10/30/08 in the London Book:
I am thankful. I am alive. I love the color of my life: Piercing orange that fades into a mist. That is the aura of my intensity. For i am like the rising sun. Awake from my frost. Under ice-i claw at the placid surface that encases me. No marks, except my fingernails are bloody. The cries from my burning lungs are shot backward with the fire of fear. I am alive, just giving my cells over to the wild. They rub together all at once-a collaborative effort from my crystalizing body-protecting itself. They are moving, holding, running, jumping for their freedom. DNA awaking from its natural placidity to rebirth the soul. My atoms repel the space of water. Collective friction in my fingers and then the sunrise braking from my womb, the center of my indifference. And summers day is met with melting hearts-beneath the ice that fades to nothing like the fleeting tick of time. And i arise without fear on my bare skin-my glow separating me from the monster. my orange has begun.

Im Listening

This life is full, but not so much on the eventful side these days. Whatev, im fine with it. Im making a point here....i am SICK of talking about myself. I feel like people talk to me, they ask me alot of questions. They fuss over me and worry for me. Im not really treated like a normal person anymore....people see me as different. I can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices. I dont want to be breakable or worshiped or just anything besides myself. So this post is me reaching out to you.....tell me about your life! Just anything....send it to me in a text or a facebook or as a comment to this message. Cause i always want to know. What are you doing right now? What are you listening to? What do you hope for in the near future? What do you love? Tell me what you are reading, or surfing or just one of the biggest things that interests you right now? You dont even have to tell me if you dont want....just send it to me with your mind....im listening.

Thank you for not giving up on my blog! You are reading this: and therefore i know that i still exist. I have not disappeared into oblivion. I feel so much these days, and yet sometimes i just push it into the closet of my mind and focus on right now. I forget that i am going on a mission or that i am burning so fiercely that few people can hold me in their hands.....and i just resume being me. Emily Masterson. I love this blog.....it is my outlet. It is my time capsule! i will come back from my chinese life and dig up this piece of me, the piece that is left here out in cyber world, cherished by you, those that i love. So many things are happeneing right now. A black man rules america! Gas is a mere 1.87.....not quite what it was when i first started driving. I filled up pookie my carolla then for only $14....yeah im getting older lol. My fingernails are painted black in symbolic rebellion, the last ounce i have in me. My hair is beautiful brown....the color that frees me from my indifference of life, and my urges to wear the mask that makes me the elusive blonde girl that always runs away and tries to seem perfect. More real. I no longer hide behind security for a sense of self. I wear my soul jewelry....tons of it. Bracelets from the osh and native america and my grandmother. I just came back from seeing her....i see myself. The fireball in ballin outfits with matching earrings and eyes that are fiercely peaceful and piercing at the same time. This woman could change the world. On my finger i wear a cross, the symbol of my lifelong journey to god. I scavange for the music on this blog. Each of these songs are important to me, and tell the collective story of my life. Listen to them; listen to the words and give yourself over to the music. let it flow through you. I speak to young women, i speak in church, i bear my testimony; i am now viewed as the expert on all things religious lol. I am a missionary! I teach my personal rules for life.
#1: Be fearless. Always be fearless
#2: DONT BE STUPID
#3: Heal; dont hurt. Undo the knots that others have tied.
#4: Send love to the Universe: Everywhere. To the trees, to the trashcans. the animals and the souls of the earth.

I love my music note jacket and sweat pants and journ and just ALL things music. I fight with my heart for the people i hvae loved, and those that i still do. I wish at 11:11! I wear my favorite snowflake leggings and pensecola florida tank top, and anticipate when i wont be able to wear these things anymore. I eat ice cream everyday! Cherry garcia, new york chocolate chunk, rocky road....just everything. I reach for my fishy and just worry for her and wish for her while i am gone. I wonder what she will look like on her graduation day, or her first day of college, on her eventual wedding day. I cry at the thought of missing any of these things....all in the name of china. I drive in my car with the windows down and the heat on blast. I sing in my hairbrush and drum on my dash....i let myself feel that i am alive! And i wonder at the moments that i know im not alone. I read i eat i pray i love. All of you are in my time capsule....ill remember you.

OK something weird about me.....i LOVE stuffed animals. Its totally crazy and i have NO idea why. I thought it was just kind of a recent college thing....ya know....there is nothing wrong with wantin something to snuggle with at night! But lookin back on some old photos not too long ago, i realized that this obsession has been occuring for awhile. The little ones are the best. Like Moo....and if you dont know who moo is, i have no idea why you are reading this blog. Moo is just near and dear to my heart. I bought him for my best friend Maretta 4 years ago for her birthday, and he stowed away EVERYWHERE! Eventually She didnt really want him any more and traded him for some of my CDs....what a traitor! But JK because lets face it, we are all in our 20s and its just not normal to run around with stuffed cows in tow. Im not really that normal though so whatev. My friends just love me for who i am. Kinda unrelated but there is this movie called "Big bird goes to CHINA!" It involves Big bird and a chinese dragon and an ancient voo doo lake of glass or something....and a secret message that must be discovered...>OoOoOoOh! Its one of my childhood faves. Me and mom went to the library huntin for it the other day, but to no avail. So we ordered it off amazon....woot. In my mind, moo is about to be the next star in this blockbuster hit. "MOO goes to CHINA!" i just LOVE It. Oh and yes he is going to china....you best believe. hes already been to joseph smiths grave, italy, california, and stonehenge. China is just the next best place for him. See moo is just a nomad....he cant really help where he wants to graze can he?

Its official....im back in texas, my homeland. After drivin with the windows down for 2 days, eatin french toast with bob and elaine: my moms best friend that lives in denver, and claimin the earth just beneath the border, i am here. Its an adjustment. I have a new life. I have new friends. I have a new home and a new room. A new Job. I am new. Renewal within myself is evolving everywhere. I cant help but think: this is actually happening. I am going on a mission to china. I cannot avoid it, nor do i want to. As i look back on my life in this familiar place, i realize what i have come from. I remember high school, bumpin around with the bums and sneakin out in the middle of the night. I visualize freshman year of college, eatin pizza on sunday and cursin up a strom, just to be rebellious. I re-live my revolutions and the release of my rage for the shortcomings in my life. I recall my tears and my prayers. I realize the beginnings of my humanity, and my desire to be a conduit. I am growing....always reaching for God. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. My pride is spent and i send love out into the universe fearlessly. More often than not i dont get it back. Its still worth it. My heart is growing....let me take your pain. But i cant...only Christ can do that. I still want to try. I am not perfect, nor do i want to be. Satan is real...he works from the inside out. Last week i wanted to leave for lunch without clocking out. My mind often tells me that i am worthless. On the way to work i turned the radio off to contemplate my life. I contemplated so hard that i missed my exit and got mixed up in the mix master. I was late for work (cue your shock) and got back on going the wrong direction. I cursed to myself.....WHERES THE D*** i15 WHEN YOU NEED IT? Yeah its not here. Someday soon ill have to face that. He won that small victory. crap. oh well...whatev.

from the london book:
Its all happening so fast. My life is a speeding train and im not sure where its headed. One thing is certain-ive been given a second chance. Touched by God and ive gotta believe that he has a purpose for my life. So why am i filled with self doubt? Plagued by demons-both real and imaginary. Frightened by the challenges ahead and haunted by the ghosts of my past. Goes God know what i am? Do i? Am i an angel or a monster? And why cant i see the difference?
This apprehension is the child of Evil personified, and i can overcome.
I will break free with my resilience. My reverence. THEN shall the shackles fall.
Love will tread out the fire of anger.
And from the ash i will rise,
and plant a tree of peace.

i hate my new job. i sit behind that desk ALLLL DAYYYYYY and i just go nuts. my boss' name is amy. shes a skinny young little blonde woman with no family and probably no friends. Shes kinda funny sometimes and talks/giggles to herself. i can tell that she wishes she could be a nice person all the time. but she beasts at will man. And she works late every night. today she called me in and beasted and made me stay late till all this crap was done. i was at work till 8:30. and she was still there. this cannot go on. i will re claim my life....soon. im only gonna work for like 2 weeks so i can have money to go to tennessee and to take to oh i dunno, china. i wrote about amy today in my journ while i was angstin for asia....

"this job is killing my soul!!!!!! ive never hated a job so much. probably because i know what its like to have my soul completely fulfilled-everyday, for the last 6 months. my brain feels dull. the numbers and directions thrown at me bounce off into information mess on the floor. my reaction time is slow and my reception is weak. im trying to remember when that happened? Im at my desk trying to pay attention but my foot keeps tapping and i just want to get up and dance on my desk, write, call, text, websurf, talk to whomeever i can discover..just whatev. am i lazy? maybe-probably. i just want to love my soul. i couldnt care less about this spreadsheet. i just want to ask my boss...how are you complacent with your life being stressed out and grumpy with only numbers and letters and the ding of your microsoft outlook to keep you warm at night? Why dont you have a lovie or a friend to want to go home to? i know why you work late honey...you havent fooled me. i wrote that book. And your success can only hide you from your dark truth for a few seasons. Its raining outside but you cant feel it...its raining in your heart Allthetime. how did you get this way? what was it like amy when you went to china to talk busness and make deals? did you even let yourself enjoy it. AMY-LOOK AT ME! I STAND AT YOUR DESK EVERYDAY WHILE YOU BEAST! who are you?"

sometimes i wonder that if i had a super power, what i would have. Flying would be sweet...if you think about it thats probably bat mans main power, and he does alot of good with that. I wouldnt want to hear people's thoughts....that would just be a bad idea for any of us. Seeing the future would just make us end up changing it...so that wouldnt even work. Tonight i was driving over to the minihouse. the needle kept dipping below E and i didnt even care. I just wanted it to run out of gas because maybe that would make time stop....make my life stop. Even for a moment so that i could make everything stop and just be silent for me. and watch the people frozen in time, being human. then they wouldnt see me crying or look at me driving alone, and i could just re live moments when i wasnt until i was ready to hit play again. I keep going forward going forward going forward. sometimes its just terrifying. and in that moment i just wanted the remote to my life. i wanted to stop it from happening, or rewind it, or just pause it or something. Maybe like sliding down the glace on timp and rocks are coming...a big one already hurt and cut my leg all up. I just dont feel like any more for awile, GO GO GADGET PAUSE. I dont want to limp down the mountain when i cant walk any more. Let my scraped leg heal PLEASE! i cant stop going down ward....or upward. or just whatever way im going these days. i may be a noun and an adjective and a verb all in one, but im not a DVR. And the car didnt run out of gas. it kept going, like my life. tick tick tick....minute by minute. the rest of my life goes by, and still approaches. i dont really feel like a hero or anything....but maybe i can be to someone and then it will be worth it.

I am: a beautifully strong woman.
I think: about the present more than the past or the future. I get really distracted by what is happening with me NOW. I want you to be present tense in my life so that all of me can be with you.
I know: i am following my fate.
I want: the world to be a more loving place, and i want to be a part of it
I dislike: the coldness in me. and being alone.
I miss: lyndsishea brown
I fear: hurting others with my words.
I feel: the ora of my love and the love of my family.
I smell: orange-orange Popsicle!!!
I crave: my deepest fulfillment. i search it out relentlessly. And it seems that i will go to the ends of the earth to find it...but its probably in my back yard.
I cry: usually because i am mad and its my best outlet. But lately Ive cried because i am sad or scared. But not the painful kind. Just the temporary kind that goes away after you cry it out.
I usually: am going going going. But lately i just chill and eat alot, blog, and hang out with my best friend. Im going to try to get going again, but just one going. not 3.
I search: for love in my life. I don't really care who you are, just love me please. and love me unconditionally. Ill love you back, i promise.
I wonder: what will become of my life. and what it will be like in china. But lately i just wonder what life will be like after china.
I love: ice cream, and eating it with people who are closest to me. I love warm weather and rolling around with people i love! I love my soul and my self discovery.
I always: second guess myself. i hate that.
I worry: that i will be forgotten.
I am not: a hateful person in any way. or a house cleaner. just sayin.
I believe: that people can change their hearts and lives if they really want it bad enough.
I dance: ALL THE TIME. and yes its like no ones watching cause it probably resembles a fish out of water but i don't care. i like my groove.
I sing: in the car. but mostly just with anyone i can get to sing with me. angsty angst stuff is the best. singing together is way more powerful than alone.
I write: everything i think. i don't edit because i don't want my words to have holes in them. and i write to make myself more vulnerable, and so that others can really know me.
I win: at owning the most jewelry. Most of its hand made. by me.
I lose: My mind all t he time lately because i am so emotional! i also lose just about everything that i own on a regular basis. i have 3 sets of car keys and multiple cell phones just waiting as back up because of this.
I wish: Sister Ogletree would write me back.
I don't understand: tons of things about how the universe works. but i just try to forget about that stuff because i feel like i do understand everything that is substantial to my life. Like where i came from and where i am going, and stuff relative to that.
I can usually be found: At the connection on the couch not sleeping, but now ill just be in Texas not sleeping.
I am scared: of sucking at Cantonese. of losing my voice forever. of someone hurting my younger sisters.

So long sweet summer

It is COLD. i had to pull out my sweater and mittens and still i am COLD COLD COLD. What ever happened to seasons? It went from summer to winter in 3.54 seconds. BOO. Im headed for texas though....so whatev. Sorry everyone im still sympathetic to you all...im just sayin. Winter should not exist in my opinion. Its frigid and icy and BROWN like my hair. not very me, but i have to endure it, just like my hair. VERY LONG and ill tempered like my hair on bad days. In my world it wouldnt ever be winter. We would have another season where everything would just turn to ice cream instead so that we could still appreciate summer, but eat lots and lots of peanut butter cup in the mean time. And the plasma center would turn to ice cream too...vanilla bean throwup none the less, but ice cream still. And everyone would eat it ALL and then it would be dead. I think id be ok with that.

In the ongoing search for self there are days when we learn something genuinely new. something uncovered...hidden that we never knew was there. Something that surprises us. And on that day of self discovery the question remains-what kind of person are we? Does the hero or the villian inside of us win the day?

I dyed my hair brown, and i feel like a different person. for some reason changing hair color makes a huge difference in the way we feel about ourselves. I didn't do it as part of any huge revolution or anything. Im just not a natural blonde, and i don't want to have to deal with my hair on my mission. But when i turn and look into the mirror, I'm not myself some days. I feel like less of me and more of the stormy me. I startle because another woman stares at me intensely.....emily? you are still in there right? My emotions feel more heightened. Like i want to scream at the top of my lungs, laugh until it hurts, or cry my eyes out instead of just goin with the flow. 2 Days ago i woke up and didn't want to get out of bed....things within me are all turned upside down and around. I think it might be because i almost died the other day. Luckily i know in my brain that hair doesn't really matter all that much. The color of it does not make me eligible for possession of the raging woman inside of me. The piece of my fathers temper that i have worked so hard to escape from through hours and hours of therapy and lost friendships and tears.

Last week on Thursday i almost died at the plasma centre. I'm done donating when this crotchety old lady comes over to unhook me, and as she lifts up my tube to let my remaining blood flow back into my veins, she dumps pure anticoagulant into me, and all of a sudden my body starts to spaz. Within 10 seconds all of my muscles are constricted. I cant breathe and my chest starts to hurt more and More and MORE....i must be having a heart attack. about 6 or 7 people are crowding around me asking me rapid fire questions....OK people cant you see that i cant breathe, much less speak. I lose control of my body and it feels like its riving, trying to get air. Eventually it starts to pass, and i can breathe regularly, and see, and feel my limbs. This lady tries to tell me that i had a reaction to the a.c. because i didn't eat enough calcium, but eventually we get the truth out of them: the old lady with short dyed hair messed up. And what i felt was the beginnings of cardiac arrest. Ive felt a little under the weather since then. And all of this made me realize that my body is so precious. i need it to work for me, and i have to treat it with the utmost respect. But instead i aided in giving it undue trauma. Never again body will this happen. That day i decided to swear off sugar for awhile to show my body extra love. but then that night there was BYU ice cream so i decided that an exception was needed. Somehow there is ALWAYS BYU ice cream...so much for that idea. I'm trying to exercise more too, but my body always tells me that it would rather sleep. so I'm just respecting its wishes i think. wheW.....

Today is Monday, and it is 2:43pm in the afternoon. In 48hrs i will be on the road to discovery, to love, to life #1. I cannot deny that i am sad and overwhelmed. But i am also ready. Awhile ago i started to feel the natural pull of gravity pulling me back towards my fate: the lone star state and my realization that my life will never be the same. I realized that the pull had begun, and that when it was time for me to go, i would just know. That time came about a week ago. The earth's axis is pulling me, pulling me, pulling me away from here. The home in which i have both loved and loathed through grounding my roots, which crack the surface fighting all of the other roots and rocks that litter the soil. And once those roots passed the hazardous terrain, they plunged downward gripping the earths core, thus allowing my love to push upward to my surface and explode from my limbs. My love, that is rooted so deeply for this place still exists, but is severed from myself. Away i go, but not forever. I still worry, what will become of me? Of the life that i have built for myself? It hasn't been easy...i have fought for this life and these friends and this disposition. Some days my life just feels so hard, even though it is so blessed. I fight against my anger. I fight against my seemingly endless loneliness. I fight against being forgotten. I try to forget about myself and get lost in what is my life: i cannot change it. Nor do i want to. I look around and pieces of me are everywhere....i cannot collect them. Pieces that i have willingly given to people, and never gotten back. Pieces that i have left to remember my past and my self discovery are left on benches and trees and swimming pools....they help me remember the person that i was. The woman that was hard and cold, and empty. I'm becoming the woman predicted: gentle and loving, strong in my testimony. My heart can still be whole; giving pieces of it away has not left it injured. It has regrown and replaced each piece, growing stronger. Funny how that happens.

I was afraid for the pieces of me that I'm leaving behind, but the biggest part not connected to my body is coming with me. She will remain a part of me, in the seat that has usually been empty, for 2 2hours of dashboard confessional, mountains, and open roads of self discovery. The chunk of my soul protected by the body with matching colored hair and all of the kindness that any of us knew existed. That stays up with me late into the night and holds me why i cry. The woman that shares with me her bunk bed, her food, her life, her love, her soul. When shes gone I'm not sure who will hold me while i mourn her. I hope that i still know who i am without her...im afriad i might be a little confused for a while. This woman has been there for the majority of the last 2 months of my life. But then i know that i will be ok, and i am just thankful. Thank you God for this gift of womanly love when i needed her most. You knew that we belong together. And even though it seems unfair that we have to face the distance soon, i realize that life is glorious because we are in our 20s and not our 50s. Life is ahead of us and i know it will bring us together; not rip us apart. I often forget myself because i am so fulfilled with this woman, my best friend. And i remember that her piece of soul will lie within me, protected, until we meet again. I love you Lyndsi Shea Brown. I have never had as good a friend as you.

Just the other day im doin crunches at the gym, tryin to multi task with my dad on the phone. He always likes to talk....alot. And im tellin him about how everything in my life is working perfect all the time...a vital sign that things are aligned in my life. And he says "EM...you have led a charmed life...everything always seems to go right for you." and im thinking.....NO, it really DOESNT. Like when you guys made my life heck growing up....that wasnt very fun. But then later on while im thinking, i realize that its true! Things just always work out, i never get sick, i always have amazing friends and support from my family. My life is so blessed. Sometimes i turn my mind to the people of less developed countries like in africa and south america. Do we ever feel guilty about the card that we were delt in our lives? Why do i feel like my life is so hard because my car breaks down, or when i get ketchup on my favorite shirt? there are people living without enough money for food or clothes, or even without a home. The natural reaction is to jump back and think that none of that is my problem. But is that REALLY true? Since god decided to put us in the promised land of America: the free and the brave; one of the wealthiest countries in the world that is blessed by great Christian faith as a whole because Christ himself walked on our ground. God gave us charmed lives....so the people with the crappier hand aren't our concern? I renounce this idea. We are all people. The point of our lives is other people. We function in relationships, families, communities, and smaller groupings within the world. Without each other, we cease to exist.

I'm just a normal girl that sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country, but I'd rather swim ashore
Without a life vest I'd be stuck again, wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim like 'fourteen miles away'.
Now floating up and down I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down, I'm sinking to the bottom of my...
Everything that freaks me out. The lighthouse beam has just run out.
I'm cold as cold as cold can be....be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean.
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down.

Where is the coastguard, I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection.
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine; the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind.
I'm treading for my life believe me
How can I keep up this breathing?
Not knowing how to think...I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down with envy for the solid ground.
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending. I thought of just your face...
Relaxed, and floated into space.

workin for plaz dollaz

the other day i was at the "bio medical" lab on center street, where i sell my plasma for play money. Im sittin in the chair with a mondo needle up my arm when the lady comes up next to my machine and says "this thing is acting SKETCH" as i sit there hooked up to it. Man, i was having doubts before, but now i just feel so good about this hookie thing that sucks my blood out of me and spins it up. Its clunking and making serious noises. She calls for some other equally legit guy to come and fix it, and he walks up and starts BANGING ON THE SIDE OF IT, and then walks away. wow.....the things we do for money.

im going to go ahead and dedicate this post to this boy that i sometimes love...he'll probably never read this. He probably WILL invite me over to his house for conference tomorrow only to ignore me and pretend like we never rolled around in the grass, or cried in each others arms, or like he never gave me that bruise on my neck. uh huh. AND he'll probably try to set me up with his friend just so that he can try to distract me from distracting him from distracting me from my oh so recent trip to Asia. i dont really know. DUDE..as hannah would say "smatchoo"??? (whats the matter with you?)

Truth be told....it doesnt really matter. I dont know if you ever really loved me....i sure hope so. But this is me officially making my heart let you go. I renounce you and the un-erasable strings that keep me hanging in a permanent free fall of your wake. I allow myself to forget you because i dont think about me in terms of you, or you in terms of us anymore. Because im tired of being humored, and when i come back i deserve someone who gives a crap. So here's what you've been wanting. I release you....all in the name of China.

couple days ago i went to the gym to do my usual elyptical, and on the way i realize: there is about to be YOGA. Im all over that....inner asia here i come. Ive done it before, but not while i was trying to be asian. So i go and we bent around in all kinds of crazy poses, and listened to lulling music of the orient. Im feeling my soul nod in agreeance...we are content. I get to fly in a nose dive down to my toes, and bend myself in half as i clear my mind of litter. I balance my foot in the crevice of my opposite knee and focus all of my energy on one point in front of me.... my thoughts zero in on what i am feeling. I kinda fall over a lot but thats ok, because im self discovering. And suddenly i relize...i have inner asia. ACTUAL legit inner asia...not made up asia day crap where im trying to be positive about my soon trip to china that im freaking out about. I love yoga....i LOVE INNER PEACE. I love the sincerity of the asian culture and the appreciation of meditation and beauty. And i loved it before all the crazyness. I HAVE INNER ASIA!!! IT IS IN ME!!!!! cant believe that it took so long to discover.

School is currently in full bloom. here's my schedule...it varies from day to day.
10am: wake up
10:45: leave apartment
11:45-2:00: deal with annoying rich lady while cleaning her house
3:00: Revolutionize my facebook for the day
5:00-6:30: wait in line to donate plasma only to be told that my temp is too low....DANG.
6:45: Give up and go spend more money instead eating sweet sweet food at Red Robin
8:45: Chill at home and watch "Shes the man" while making my sis belated birthday gifts.
10:00p: raid the ice cream
11:00p: revolutionize my blog

and thats about where i am now. These days lots of girls say that they are restless and wish they could go some where. I really wish i could just stay in one place. Guess you want what you cant have.

Dear Brittany,

2 nights ago you came to me in a dream….probably don’t remember doing that do you? In my dream, I was at the airport waiting for you, and all of a sudden there you were. You had cut all of your hair off….like chin length short. And not a stylish cut either…just brown hair chopped at your jawline. And you were very calm and quiet…you didn’t say anything to me. You just walked toward me and deliberately wrapped your arms around me. You hugged me for several minutes…. I really needed that hug. It was almost real….i could still remember the warmth of it after I woke up. And after you pulled away your eyes were blank and empty, as if you didn’t know what to say to me, or to anyone. And you walked away from me and I followed you into the nearest store where you went straight for the Oreos, and you told me that you had been wanting them FOR-EV-ER. So we got you some Oreos and you were still pretty awkward after that, but at least you were happy. I think that a lot of this dream was my subconscious fears coming out because I have your pic that you sent me, and your hair is way long. And you are just as vibrant and beautiful as ever! I dunno maybe im scared of coming back and being all blank and empty and not having anything to say to anyone….even though I KNOW I wont be like that. It was so good to see you though, even if it was only in a dream.

ps: i miss you.

hong kong

I got my mission call on friday! To hong kong....yeah thats in CHINA. Just incase you werent sure or anything. No you didnt read that wrong. Wanna know some cool facts about China? Ok good cause you are already reading and im about to tell you.

Reasons why Hong Kong is perfect for my mission:

1. It is coastal...that means there is an ocean and a beach.
2. Its next to glorious mountains and something called a pike that you can hike up.

3. Weather never gets colder than like 50 degrees

4. Chinese people are all about symbolism, peace, serenity, Karma, and self discovery.

5. it used to be ruled by the UK so its pretty westernized.

6. They speak cantonese there, which is a tonal language. that means that its like singing except speaking! and you have to have a really good ear and tonal memory to learn it.

7. The Chinese are a very respectual and docile people for the most part. This is very comforting!

8. My dad calls hong kong "The Gem of China!"

9. Im not attracted to asians...just sayin.

10. Its way cooler than temple square, idaho, or montana... Or just about anywhere else i can think of.

11. It has shock factor! Hey where did all of you serve your missions? Oh ya know...Just Hong Kong. No big deal. (yeah...i win)

12. Asian culture is COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone....challenge? bring it on.

13. God sent me there....he believes in me. So obviously i have inner Asia.

14. It is BEAUTIFUL beyond belief and one of the most technologically advanced places in the world. I will learn so much from so many people!

15. Asians work HARD...just like me. So we will understand each other just fine.

16. I WONT GAIN ANY WEIGHT!!! say goodbye to that sisterly 20lb

17. China just plain rocks. I know you like Mulan, and probably orange chicken. So the next time you feel like cracking a joke about getting out your mat to sleep on, or making 'chinese' noises, think twice. because these are my people. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Thanks.

Asia Day!

Saturday was proclaimed Asia day in honor of my mission call to Hong Kong. I started the day at the lost and found sale, sporting my paper crane earrings that i made. Steph and i found all of this sweet chinese jewelery for like .50c and chinese love sweatshirt! She bought me breakfast at the wilk and we ate these AMAZING homemede cinnamon rolls...ok those arent asian but thats definately OK. I ate sushi on center street with these boys...one had an 'i love ninjas' shirt. Yeah i think they are ready for Asia day. We got like every kind of sushi there! and even egg rolls. Ok fine its not Chinese....baby steps ok. After that i gave plasma....getting money quick sounds like a VERY asian thing to do to me. Followed by sweet and sour pork over a debate over how 5 crazy lookin symbols equal the words 'soy sauce'...i dunno but whatev. it was GOOD. Kung fu Panda was a hit by all in attendance, probably way moreso than normal because of Asia day. And finally i made a quick visit to the Asia store in the Provo mall and found BOO the bonsai.....hes my bamboo tree! I carry him everywhere with me these days cause he makes me feel more at home with China. Later on at the SEGO art festival i met this awesome girl who used to live in hong kong, and grew up in China. She sells all of this awesome jewelry that she made with stuff shes brought back from there. SO cool.

At the end of the night i was drivin to walmart with lynds and brookie, and while im drivin, out of nowhere, this huge nasty leaf bug lands on my car! I tried to get it to blow off by going faster, but lyndsi was like "NO!!! hes probably asian! dont blow him off cause then he'll die!" kind of the point but OK lynds. We named him Spongie-Al. And he probably is asian cause hes a dang survivor. he hung onto that car for DEAR life.

califor-ni-A

BEST THINGS ABOUT THE WEEKEND OF CALIFORNIA:

Drivin in the car with the windows down listenin to dashboard, eatin paradise yogurt, In N out!, the sound of the osh waves crashin while i sleep, swimming with some awesome legit wetshirts, cool beach one dollar jewelry, snuggling in one room on the blow up mattress, sneaking girl scout cookies late at night, soaking up sunshine in a swimsuit that fits pretty dank, sand between my toes and everywhere else, pictures under the pier that remind me of The OC...my fave show :) , rocks on the beach and big ones that you can climb over, reading journals, writing in journals, california men with shaggy hair and surfboards, little mexican kids that run around and speak spanish, break dancers!, african safari that makes me feel exotic and far from home, female rhinos that stick with the gals, giraffs! esp babies, sweet sweet road trip mixes, caffine pills!!!!!!! YEAH all of this rocked. my favorite...is her.

I am opening my mission call tonight at 6:15 outside of the connection! Please come!!! Its the first brick building on the left on the corner of 8 North and 6 East. See you soon

Alright....i have some info. I have a mission call. an ACTUAL mission call. Heathers BF looked it up cause he works at the MTC. So it does exist, i just dont have it yet. i about exploded when she told me this....but luckily she doesnt know where im going. She would not have been able to hold that mess in.....and if she is that strong, im not, and i woulda gotten it out of her. But she does know what CONTINENT that i will be on, and apparently its ballin. Yeah! im on a continent!!!!! And james says that its a sweet sweet mission....a coveted one apparently. Im stoked. When i submitted my papers, my comments section looked a little something like this:

"I am so excited to serve this mission! I would love to go french speaking. I would also enjoy going to France, Brazil, Nauvoo, the southern states, or England. Please do not send me to Idaho. Thank you." When my friend read that she was like, WHAT the heck you got against idaho? You are jinxing yourself em....you are going to go to boise for sure. What was my response??? Number one, im a girl, and i dont have to do this. So if they send me to Idaho, im just going to marry the boy. Number 2, I said please!?

Well, i DO know that its NOT finland (where James served his mission), NOT idaho, and its NOT NOT NOT temple square!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All that alone is enough to make a girl praise Jesus.

"Together can we make our short time on this planet mean something. Only together can we be the stweards of our own destiny. And we hold in our collective hearts one noble goal: to save ourselves; then save the world."

No mission call yet guys. Ill tell you as soon as i know though. I wont forget! i promise :)

Dedicated to my Lyndsi: i sing it like i mean it

We should get jerseys cause we make a good team

But yours would look better than mine cause your out of my league

And I know that it’s so cliche to tell you that everyday

Spent with you is the new best day of my life

Everyone watching us just turns away disgust

This jealousy they can see that we’ve got it going on

And I’m racking my brain for a new improved way

To let you know you’re more to me than what I know how say

Your okay with the way this is going to be

Cause this is going to be, the best thing we’ve ever seen

If anyone could make me a better person, you could

All I gotta say is I must have done something good

You came along one day, and you re-arranged my life

All I gotta say is I must have done something right,

I must have done something right

believe that messsss...we are rockin..

last night at 2am at the gas station i was a country girl-the real girl inside of me. Flowey skirt, bare feet, with a face of pure innocence. I really didnt mean to get that bruise on my neck. but small town girls-we love HARD. we roll in the grass....maybe in the shadows; maybe not. I couldnt tell ya. cause we roll hard too. We run, but in freedom to feel the wind at our back. And we live a life of simplicity-nothing is everything. and everything ill give with just my heart beat and my hand to hold. please hold my hand. take my tiffany bracelet and my purple purfume and just keep on holdin me till our arms hurt, and possibly just fall off. thats a long time....thats the point.

We cannot become who we need to be by continuing to be everything that we are. Pieces of ourselves must be changed, altered; forsaken. and change is hard. But i am still me. I am Emily, the golden haired girl who stands beside you; not in front of or behind you. Hold me in your heart, but let me change. Give me room to grow.

Lately i am restless. Not my soul but my actual brain and body....have a travel itch. I dont want to stay in the same place for too long. In the past 4 months I have been to London, France, Ireland, Scotland, Italy, Texas, Utah, and California. WHEW! Some summer ive had. This past weekend, i went to INDIA :) or the festival of india at least. My lyndsi and i scavaged the gift shop, ate this amazing vegetarian rice stuff, and danced with the krishnas under the stars; the dust rising up beneath our feet. They praise Rama and Krishna, and do alot of soul talkin about Karma and the inner essence, and peace and serenity. If i wasnt morm and didnt have the truth, this would be a tempting life :)

i am the dust underneath your feat, and the laugh in your memory. I am everywhere. In the snow and the leaves. Within each room and in the grass. My tears still lie in the earth next to the bench where i decided to change my life. My imprints are stone in the ground where i have rolled. My shadow walks the pavement at night, glowing in the wind. It is almost always alone. I alone am in these walls of my own that raise too high for me to reach. I want to take a jack hammer to the walls. How much longer God? ive served my time. paid the debts for the words that i have said. for the hearts i have broken. Maybe im not placed there by god, but to punish myself. some days its still hard. No matter what, god is with me.

my inner essence is: Depth, sun, love, warmth, enfolding, energy, spontineity, shadows, uncertainty, discovery, ocean, white, beautiful, un-guarded, hopeful, compassionate, night.

i can change your life-with gods help. i am a child of goodness. i am full. i am art. i am not ashamed that i am open, and not afraid to let myself free. i am not afraid to let myself. i am not afraid. i will never waste my time being afraid.

my blog has gotten intense. i just needed to openly recognize this. Ok.
from the london book: The london book is my journal from london. It represents my life's rebirth coming out of its pages.

yesterday i tried to see how long i could go with no shoes on. not because i dont like shoes, but because i care what no one thinks except for me and god. my life is my own now. not owned by people who think they know better than my own soul what is best for me. i walked from my home in the connection all the way to campus. then i saw people i knew...YES. Please ask me where my shoes are. No one does. i see MustLoveTravel. she has taught me so much-her natural goodness lifts me. she taught me how to give other people the control, and that just loving ever single second of life is the way to live it. and that i dont need travel to feel inspired. i can find it within myself. next, i go to the HFAC. the world of driven artists in the sea that swallows you into its storm. i am walking. the feel the weight of it, but it is exterior to me. I float in my orb, one step at a time. My feet press t he cold hard stones and i straighten my back and neck, and i am free. I pull the worlds weight from me in the form of 300lb foot wear. This is a big deal.

Then, i see this boy in the wilk next to the jamba juice. "where are your shoes?" FINALLY. take that....no shoes. totally weird and awesomely unexpected. love me for who i am dang it. vulnerable, imperfect, and shoe-less. if you cant-get lost. accept me world. accept what i have to offer you or take nothing from me. I am not an angel. i am a person. a real person.

You're hot then you're cold. You're yes then you're no.
You're in then you're out. You're up then you're down.

You're wrong when its right, black when its white.

We fight, we brake up. Then we kiss and make up.

I do it for love.

Dont act like you know me when you dont. I hate when people do that. Act like they have you all figured out in like 2 seconds....people take years to figure out. even decades. Remember that. Im open....im easy to get to know. It just takes time.

Dont judge me. I also hate it when people do that. I like to be free. I have dropped choice words in my life time. I have covered up who i am. I have lied. I have felt pain. I have battle scars. They are part of me. You can come to appreciate these if you try. it just takes time.

Do not ask me how old i am. Its not really my fave, and i can get over it. But im not telling you because it-doesnt-matter. Whenever i learn a persons age, i automatically start to pass judgements on them based on what they "should be like" because of that age. Yeah i am guilty....so i dont ask anymore. People should know each other and appreciate each other based on their relational value. not based on age. Plus, any people who are open enough can be friends. whether they are 20 and 21, or 19 and 90. Learning from all people is a joy in my life.

Please do: Be friends with me and let me know the real you. Whoever that is....the REAL you. not the you that you think you should be because you are morm and perfect and live on the sunny side of the street in provo. Not the you that your mom thinks you are, or the you that you are on first dates. Im over that. Lets see whats up. And ill do the same for you. :)

Today: i feel her trying to stab her way out from the dank and dismal prison of her holding.The MONSTER. She was placed there, long ago. She is weak from want of power, but still exists. Days like this, she gains stregnth in her sagging muscles as she is one with ice. Her cold fingers pry at the steel bars, pulling them apart one-at-a-time. its almost too late as i notice the steely needle in my arm with resistance. I write about her as i lie, letting her give way to her ransoms and demands. She is angry, and hateful. At the fakeness of parts of our existence that we still do not know. She is gleeful that he is gone. I hope that this treaty will give her substance to subside. but today she is hungry, with bloodshot eyes that pierce me. My body tenses on the walk home through the soft pat of the rain. All of my strength is centered around that cell, pushing her down by her matted hair, with a horrifically twisted smile on her face. In the rain i am helpless and alone, yet i will not let her overcome. She is too late for the man that fooled us....she knows this. She will not come for the boy that knows i and not her. No one can EVER know her. I am on a lush green field as i feel her finger nails scraping my esophagus, burning me from the inside up. I cannot even feel the natural love in my heart; it is mangled by the brimstone searing up through my mouth. It brings water to my eyes and i squint to see. I try to focus on the flying discus and him; but all i can hear are screams and feel the beginnings of combustion beneath my skin. She is rage. She is fire. She is NOT ME. With my teeth gritted and sweat on my brow, i shove her down from whence she came. I wrap invisable duct tape to her rancid face and hands, and clear my head in a means of emptyness. I let myself try to feel the truth...my love and devotion for you. Yet you are indifferent towards me. Her new emotions rear up within me, fighting towards the surface. FEAR and FLIGHT. This is not me, not my natural self. I pick at the grass trying to regain my center. I will not fear H.E.R. i will not fear him. i will not fear.

she and i

9/6/08...(from the London book)

I feel close to my soul. Who is my soul? What does she love? When does she feel whole? sometimes i pull inside of myself and listen to her.....that hasnt happened much before. I am getting to know her-feel her presence and her needs. Before she would whisper in my ear as if we were sharing secrets shed hoped i would keep safe. Sometimes i honored those secrets....sometimes i have tossed them to the wind. Soul....dont be mad at me. Love me....forgive me. Now she speaks to me, sometimes in the mirror. Looking back at me in the smooth glass with piercing green eyes....we look into each other. And she is not afraid to command me...she speaks with confidence, and assurance. "Emily....i am in you." She no longer whispers. Because she is heard. And the world is seeing her finally....fully. She is invalueable...should they see her? I worry because she is so precious to me....my best friend. I shield her from the swirling black hate that i imagine as her distruction. But soul is not breakable. She is firey and strong; resiliant. I can feel her pushing me forward with faith, encouraging me. She moves my feet when i am faint; makes me smile when i am sad. My brain often hears noise...it gets distracted. Too many things to think about...all the time. So my soul listens, so we will know which way to go. She still loves me, even when i am distant. Thank you soul-do not leave me. I feel drawn to things and people by my inner core...as if i am internally wired to be with them. Why do i need person A or B in my life so badly? And then i know, that soul is pulling me towards our fulfillment, learning, love, truth, and grace. Even in moments of doubt, she directs me to the people who will align with us and understand us. My soul is i, and i am my soul. Apart, we are nothing. i am not alone.

homeless

Currently: Homeless with lyndsi shea and brooklyn, my new best friends. We live in the connection which has a door to sneak out so your non existing parents wont know, and a bomb shelter complete with bathroom and shower. Boys come over from all around to eat our oreos and sit in the mermaid chair, while we wrastle in the front lawn and journ into the wee hours of the night. I am pretty busy being jobless and school-less so if you want to hang out you better call in advance....im very serious about that. Tomorrow i will probably start selling my body twice a week so i can buy spoon me and go to color me mine. Jen bee gave me a sweet idea....i have alot of smokin mechanical pencils in my car. Maybe i can sell them and buy some banannas. This is my life....i am almost jealous of myself because it rocks so much. :)

my fudge pop

2 days ago i opened a fudge pop right as i was about to take a shower, only to realize I had already turned the water on and was too lazy to turn it off. And i didnt want the hot water to run out. So i shoved it under the faucet and watched it liquidate and turn to nothing. I was afraid that your heart is the same way. I wish for its icy exterior to melt away, but fear that nothing will be left but the brown and rotting wood. Now i know because i have melted you. Your icyness has subsided and i can hold your heart in my hand. and i am ready.

Today:

1. Today i begin a new life

2. i will greet this day with love in my heart

3. i will persist until i succeed

4. i am nature's greatest miracle

5. I will live this day as if it were my last
6. Today i will be a master of my emotions

7. I will laugh at the world

8. Today i will multiply my value 10 fold

9. I will act now

10. Today: i will pray.

my favorite

I can be this woman.....i am this woman. And my eyes are watching GOD.

Though GOD is everywhere present, yet He is only present to thee in the deepest and most central part of thy soul. The natural senses cannot possess God or unite thee to Him; nay, thhy inward faculties of understanding, will and memory can only reach after God, but cannnot be the place of his habitation in thee. But there is a root or depth of thee from whence all these faculties come forth, as lines from a centre or as branches from the body of the tree. This depth is called the centre, the fund or bottom of the soul. This depth is the unity, the eternity--I had almost said the infinity--of thy soul; for it is so infiniate that nothing can satisfy it or give it rest but the infinity of God." --William Law

10 things

The 10 things on my mind right now:

1. Words are starting to flow through me and align my thoughts. i have a new love of these words....thanks to lyndsi shea.

2. There is a bug bite on my face....oww.

3. my friend steph has a little dog named shadow and i love him :)

4. college is starting....without me. wierd.

5. my abby is with me again! she brings a lime green tinge to my life!

6. God is everywhere and in all things. I can feel him.

7. i love the prove, and the boys in it. why do boys have to be so awesome!?

8. my fave bracelet is on the wrist of a rockin woman.....and now she is rockin and glam.

9. i really miss laura aka fish. wish she was here so i could sleep on the floor again

10. i have no food but i am full. there better be a campfire soon with some smores....thats all i have to say.

choice

I believe in freedom of choice. In our religion we do not accept things such as gay marraige or abortion, and i support this. However, how often does a gay person come up to a straight person and ask "Do you accept my gayness?" No...they do not. they dont care if we as individuals give credit to their sexuality. They just want to be collectively accepted for who they are and what they believe...as do i. And even though those beliefs are different than mine, i can respect that. Agreement and acceptance are completely different. I think people should be free to make wrong choices just like i am free to try to make right ones.

Marriage and Union are two separate things. Union is when the government accepts the couple for tax and legal reasons, and marriage is when God does. Who is to say what God accepts other than Him? Let people get married, gay, straight, stupid, smart, fat, skinny, and let God decide whose union is valid in his eyes.

hello world

Take the wave now and know that you're free

turn your back on the land, face the sea.

Face the wind now so wild and so strong

when you think of me, wave to me and send me a song.

Dont look back when you reach the new shore.

Dont forget what you're leaving before.

Dont forget when you're missing me so

Love must never hold tight but let go.

Here i am world. Hold me, hurt me, love me, beat me. Mock me, pierce me. Miss me, see me. I will rise up against the odds. For i am woman.....and i am strong.

words from the revolution

Today Debra sent us a letter. The words spilled from my mind onto the paper. "money and material things are worth nothing to me". We are changed by our humanity. or does humanity change us? faith moves through me with harmonies that vibrate with my heart. It alters my chemical makeup and fills the dark and dismal void within me. My DNA is riving and stretching as my ocean turns the black abyss into gold. I lie on the slab of my life-take me humanity and do your bidding. My cold slab is warmed by my pounding heart. it beats not for one, but for many.

Here's to self expression

My soul is an ocean. The edges of it lap longingly against the soft sand, wishing to spread further into the earth. When i step into it carefully, dipping my toes into the water, it is shallow and clear turquoise. Coral and abalone shells decorate its shores, giving it beauty and suggesting that i could walk across it ankle deep without sinking under. This shore is void of marine life, which leaves me hoping for more. More life and substance that comes from movement. As i continue to wade, the water becomes a richer shade of crystal blue and all of a sudden i am swimming, my head rising just above the surface, and i am surrounded by crashing waves, and pockets of warmth, and sea creatures of all colors, shapes and sizes. And i feel the sun lightly kissing my skin, and the melodic movement of the water soothing me into a trance like sleep. And i realize that this soul needs to be deep, but tucks the depth away for me to find should i choose to explore it. But my soul cannot hide its magnitude because without depth, it ceases to exist.
My ocean longs to be vulnerable so that it can embrace the storms of the sea and the hateful actions of humans that must surely come. But my ocean has trouble with this....it wants to suck its moisture down into the earth while the turmoil rages. But it can open itself and welcome the waves if it tries. My ocean is my self expression.. And some will mock it, some will hate it, and some will love it and respect it. But i feel an intense need to express myself, and this blog helps me do that. I write to express whats inside of me trying to get out. And opening my ocean to the void for anyone to read makes me vulnerable to scrutiny of the world. My life without risk is empty.

this is why we're hot

i have come across SOOOO many people who have gone on missions, and picked up random factoids and pieces of advice here and there. And let me tell you: sisters have a baaaad rap. Everyone thinks that they are frumpy, dont take care of themselves, go only because they arent married and probably never will be. They stay in their rooms during the mission and cry about how hard is, and never work. They even wear matching moo moo jumpers while tracting. hmmm.

i am going to venture out and say that this is true for a percentage of sisters. But for the rest of us, LIES!!! Amazing women can change the world too.

Sisters CAN be hot ok. This is a fact that can be proven with researchable data and some common sense.

Lets take a look at exhibit A:

All of these girls are friends who are either still on their mission, or recently got back. and there are many many more that i cant fit on here. I think i've made my point. 10 years ago folks, all of the women going on missions were comparable to tuna sandwiches. Sometimes you would get a grilled cheese thrown in there, but not so often. NOW: over three quaters of the mission is grilled cheese. and lets face it, everyone loves grilled cheese! I mean, its comforting to know that there are other grilled cheeses like me out there being cheesy and being loved by hungry civilians who need the gospels yummy goodness! because if everyone was a tuna sandwich, i dont know if i could handle it. Let me honest....i dont really like tuna at all. If i ate enough though, im sure i could learn to love it :)