I dyed my hair brown, and i feel like a different person. for some reason changing hair color makes a huge difference in the way we feel about ourselves. I didn't do it as part of any huge revolution or anything. Im just not a natural blonde, and i don't want to have to deal with my hair on my mission. But when i turn and look into the mirror, I'm not myself some days. I feel like less of me and more of the stormy me. I startle because another woman stares at me intensely.....emily? you are still in there right? My emotions feel more heightened. Like i want to scream at the top of my lungs, laugh until it hurts, or cry my eyes out instead of just goin with the flow. 2 Days ago i woke up and didn't want to get out of bed....things within me are all turned upside down and around. I think it might be because i almost died the other day. Luckily i know in my brain that hair doesn't really matter all that much. The color of it does not make me eligible for possession of the raging woman inside of me. The piece of my fathers temper that i have worked so hard to escape from through hours and hours of therapy and lost friendships and tears.

Last week on Thursday i almost died at the plasma centre. I'm done donating when this crotchety old lady comes over to unhook me, and as she lifts up my tube to let my remaining blood flow back into my veins, she dumps pure anticoagulant into me, and all of a sudden my body starts to spaz. Within 10 seconds all of my muscles are constricted. I cant breathe and my chest starts to hurt more and More and MORE....i must be having a heart attack. about 6 or 7 people are crowding around me asking me rapid fire questions....OK people cant you see that i cant breathe, much less speak. I lose control of my body and it feels like its riving, trying to get air. Eventually it starts to pass, and i can breathe regularly, and see, and feel my limbs. This lady tries to tell me that i had a reaction to the a.c. because i didn't eat enough calcium, but eventually we get the truth out of them: the old lady with short dyed hair messed up. And what i felt was the beginnings of cardiac arrest. Ive felt a little under the weather since then. And all of this made me realize that my body is so precious. i need it to work for me, and i have to treat it with the utmost respect. But instead i aided in giving it undue trauma. Never again body will this happen. That day i decided to swear off sugar for awhile to show my body extra love. but then that night there was BYU ice cream so i decided that an exception was needed. Somehow there is ALWAYS BYU ice cream...so much for that idea. I'm trying to exercise more too, but my body always tells me that it would rather sleep. so I'm just respecting its wishes i think. wheW.....