So I just want to congratulate myself for posting FORTY (40) posts so far this year WHILE going to school full time, and working 20 hrs a week. I also have a social life and exercise occasionally. How do I do it!? Oh honey I have NO idea. Except that alot of my school work is really suffering this semester and I have several assignments that I have yet to turn in. But lets not talk about those. Procrastinating homework is the reason why I've gotten so good at BLOGGING! I also would like to congratulate myself for recently surpassing over 500 hits on this blog. Someone besides me reads this mess!!! Praise Jesus! I'm not just writing to myself after all ;)
So-what should we talk about today?
How about things we are thankful for. Today I talked to a lady....she listened to my life. And as I was telling her my problems, I couldn't help but feel a huge overwhelming feeling of gratitude for everything that is in my life right now. I have an amazing job, I have a family that adores me and would do anything for me. And I would do the same for them. I have a great home. I eat alot of good food. And I mean ALOT....and I am still in good shape. yeah! I am in good health and feel good about myself as a person and about my body. And most of all right now....I have friends. I have so many of the most amazing friends that a girl could ever ask for and they have saved my life. When I tell my mom about each one of these friends she breathes out a sigh of relief because she knows that ever since I was like 13, my friends have been staples in my life. They are gems to me. And I have SO MANY best friends because I treasure them, and I make them stick. I NEVER give up on a friend that I really love.
Alot of my most memorable moments in my life are with my best friends, laughing till we peed our pants over the most random things that wouldn't even be funny to anyone else, discovering the ups and downs of life together, or even sharing hard times with one another. And even though my friends now are all new, I am actually thankful for having to start over. I never thought I would say that but I really am. I couldn't imagine my life without these new people that I love so much! And I had to be stretched a bit out of my comfort zone to find them....its not easy going out on your own and trying to find a place to belong! But it has been SO worth it. I am so thankful for the moments that we have together and know we will have a million more! Friendship to me does not just come over night; its a million little things that add up to a greater love for another person. And its amazing how little things like friendship bracelets, fro-yo, and diet coke can make me love someone SO much.........
Thanks for being in my life.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
gomusicnow.com
If you have not yet discovered www.gomusicnow.com please go immediately! If you upload $30 via credit card you can buy almost any song you want on that site for $0.09. Or just download a whole album for a little over $1.
WORTH IT.
WORTH IT.
Taken.
Today on campus I went to the sugar and spice as ush, and I saw a little flier that said this:
"BYU Free the slaves
Panel Discussion on Human Trafficking
The Question:
Can human trafficking be eradicated?
Come join the discussion and hear what the experts think!
THURSDAY MARCH 31st
5:30 PM 3106 JKB "
Now ever since I came home from my mission and my mother made me watch THIS movie, I have been fixated on eradicating human trafficking.
It is a huge problem in the world right now, even here in the United States, and especially in Europe and Asia. Millions of woman and children every year are captured and sold into sex slavery that do not make it out alive. In the US, craigslist has been reported as the number one source to blame for successful underground child exploitation. When the women/children are taken captive, they are immediately put on high dosages of highly addictive drugs to keep them sedated and from fighting back or running away. Once they are addicted, they cannot escape. They are forced to see hundreds of customers in a week, not seeing even a single penny from their earnings. These women are literal slaves in a corrupt underground market that is being run in countries all over the world. Most victims die within the first month of drug overdose, and don't make it more than four years due to aids. However, some women have survived or escaped to tell their story. If you can stomach it, look up MTV's EXIT campaign. When I think of these women, I cannot just sit back and do nothing!!!! I want to do something to help, but I don't know what. I have some friends that feel strongly about the subject too, and therefore we are going together to take a stand. Thursday at 5:30. Let me know if you want to come too!!
"BYU Free the slaves
Panel Discussion on Human Trafficking
The Question:
Can human trafficking be eradicated?
Come join the discussion and hear what the experts think!
THURSDAY MARCH 31st
5:30 PM 3106 JKB "
Now ever since I came home from my mission and my mother made me watch THIS movie, I have been fixated on eradicating human trafficking.
It is a huge problem in the world right now, even here in the United States, and especially in Europe and Asia. Millions of woman and children every year are captured and sold into sex slavery that do not make it out alive. In the US, craigslist has been reported as the number one source to blame for successful underground child exploitation. When the women/children are taken captive, they are immediately put on high dosages of highly addictive drugs to keep them sedated and from fighting back or running away. Once they are addicted, they cannot escape. They are forced to see hundreds of customers in a week, not seeing even a single penny from their earnings. These women are literal slaves in a corrupt underground market that is being run in countries all over the world. Most victims die within the first month of drug overdose, and don't make it more than four years due to aids. However, some women have survived or escaped to tell their story. If you can stomach it, look up MTV's EXIT campaign. When I think of these women, I cannot just sit back and do nothing!!!! I want to do something to help, but I don't know what. I have some friends that feel strongly about the subject too, and therefore we are going together to take a stand. Thursday at 5:30. Let me know if you want to come too!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
indian lover.
I want to declare to you right now that I have a small obsession with all things american indian. I love Pocahontas. That's my fave disney movie. I have dream catchers in my room and feather earrings. When I was younger my mom bought me this little box of "worry people". They are little matches that are made to look like little people and when you put them under your pillow while you sleep, they take your worries away :) And when I was young you could find me out in our huge back yard shafting my leaf raking responsibilities and dancing around with the rake making indian calls and doing a rain dance. You can see why I like native american stuff right? Just so cool.
Newho, one of the things that I love about native americans is their jewelry. If you truely know me, you know that I am obsessed with jewelry. I have boxes and boxes of it. I make it. I buy it. I just get it from everywhere. And one of my traditions is that I have to buy a piece of jewelry from every single place that I travel. Now don't go thinkin that I have a room full of million dollar jewelry because that is NOT the case. Some of the things I have bought cost as little as $5, or I find some great beads and make a sweet sweet bracelet when I get home. Here's some of my stuff:
coral beads from france
bracelet that I bought on the beach in italy
earrings from China
handmade ring from London
turquoise stones found in Mexico
Well, you could probably say that I am obsessed with all kinds of jewelry, but I am especially obsessed with Turquoise. I love the color....it is my favorite color and my curtains down to my ipod cover are turquoise. One time my mom bought me a tiffany bracelet that she saved up to buy me when I turned 21 because I turned into a "real" lady then :) and I liked the box as much as the bracelet. And my sister stole the box and the little leather bag that it came in while i was gone!!!!!! Oh the humanity of it!! Well, this weekend at BYU there was a native american craft fair. My sister told me about it seeing as she knows i love ALL things native american and ALL things turquoise. And I just couldn't resist myself! I picked this little guy up and It's SO BEAUTIFUL!
And this ring is real! And not even that expensive :) I just love love love this stone! I love the color and the textures of it and all the different shades that it comes in. Its just the most gorgeous thing to me. No wonder the indians are obsessed with this stuff too. They say that it has magical powers, just like JADE which happens to be my next favorite stone :)
Newho, one of the things that I love about native americans is their jewelry. If you truely know me, you know that I am obsessed with jewelry. I have boxes and boxes of it. I make it. I buy it. I just get it from everywhere. And one of my traditions is that I have to buy a piece of jewelry from every single place that I travel. Now don't go thinkin that I have a room full of million dollar jewelry because that is NOT the case. Some of the things I have bought cost as little as $5, or I find some great beads and make a sweet sweet bracelet when I get home. Here's some of my stuff:
coral beads from france
bracelet that I bought on the beach in italy
earrings from China
handmade ring from London
turquoise stones found in Mexico
Well, you could probably say that I am obsessed with all kinds of jewelry, but I am especially obsessed with Turquoise. I love the color....it is my favorite color and my curtains down to my ipod cover are turquoise. One time my mom bought me a tiffany bracelet that she saved up to buy me when I turned 21 because I turned into a "real" lady then :) and I liked the box as much as the bracelet. And my sister stole the box and the little leather bag that it came in while i was gone!!!!!! Oh the humanity of it!! Well, this weekend at BYU there was a native american craft fair. My sister told me about it seeing as she knows i love ALL things native american and ALL things turquoise. And I just couldn't resist myself! I picked this little guy up and It's SO BEAUTIFUL!
And this ring is real! And not even that expensive :) I just love love love this stone! I love the color and the textures of it and all the different shades that it comes in. Its just the most gorgeous thing to me. No wonder the indians are obsessed with this stuff too. They say that it has magical powers, just like JADE which happens to be my next favorite stone :)
Well HELLO there!!
I should be doing my chinese homework right now since I have a class in about 30min that i'm probably not going too....lol. My life is so ridiculous! BUT, I need to tell you something thats in my heart.....
Yesterday I had a hard day. And its OK! Don't worry about me too much. But it reminded me of last semester turmoils in a sense that alot of things happened that just made me feel down right poopy. And one of these things that was hard then was my lack of job security. I kept going through job after job....house cleaner, then Nuskin, then being jobless and wondering "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?" And then I saw an ad online for a teaching job at the MTC. I NEVER planned to work at the MTC but I was PRETTY desperate and so I called the lady.
Me:"Hello? I want to interview for the job! Is it still available?"
Julie:"Yes it is! Do you speak spanish?"
"Um, no. I thought the job was for English?"
"Are We talking about the same job here?"
"umm not sure. I was talking about the English teaching position I saw on the internet"
"Oh well there aren't any teaching jobs right now. Sorry! that posting is supposed to be for a job here in our office"
"Oh.....well........can i interview for that job?"
Haha I didn't even know what that job was! And that Is how I started working at the MTC! I interviewed up against like 10 other applicants, and they told me they would call me after the weekend to tell me if I def. didn't have the job, or if I was still being considered. But on the day I interviewed, I got a call from Julie, my boss. And I was like "oh no! They already know they don't want me!" But they called 3 hours later THAT day to tell me they were sure that I was the lady for the job!!
I came into the MTC HR office to a great working environment, and great co-workers. Julie, who is like 32 and as spunky as a girl straight out of the pioneer days (really), was my boss. Brittany and Maren were quiet and reserved but OH so nice and helpful. And then there was Rebekah who always talked to me about what boys she loved and played youtube music from her computer!!. I really liked talking to her during work, and she even invited me to her ugly sweater party at Christmas!! Which was SO nice even though I couldn't go. And I only worked in the office for about a month before Christmas break came and I had to go home. While I was at a little pastry shop in Dallas with my mom one day, I get a call from the MTC. Its the Asian Language Dept. They were told I had the best application out of all of the Chinese Teachers, and they wanted to interview me for a teaching position. I never EVER imagined myself teaching at the MTC. Too legit for me I guess. But I decided to interview, and I got it. And after I left that HR office, I kind of missed it! And one day I came to work and punched in at the time clock, and Rebekah was there! And I was just SOO happy to see her that day! Like when you see someone you REALLY love that you haven't seen in a long time! I was just so happy she was standing there and so happy to see me too! Why hello there bec! Thanks for popping out of nowhere and making my day better when I really need it!
I don't know where Rebekah came from sometimes. It's like one day she wasn't a big part of my life, and then the next day she was, just like THAT (snap). And its one of the easiest and greatest frienships thats ever happened to just fall into my life like it was meant to be!!! I think she had a party that weekend, and I went meaning only to stay for like 15 minutes, and was there for like 3 hours!! Since then we have been great great friends. This woman is funny, witty, charming, BEAUTIFUL, SO fun, interesting heartfelt, and one of the warmest people I have ever met. She has been there for me when I have really needed someone this semester too.
And yesterday when I had the worst worst day....I mean it couldn't have gotten any worse than it did.....she was there for me. Just goes to show that everything happens for a reason and God as a way of putting people in our path that we really need :) I hope she knows how much I LOVE her!!!!
Yesterday I had a hard day. And its OK! Don't worry about me too much. But it reminded me of last semester turmoils in a sense that alot of things happened that just made me feel down right poopy. And one of these things that was hard then was my lack of job security. I kept going through job after job....house cleaner, then Nuskin, then being jobless and wondering "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?" And then I saw an ad online for a teaching job at the MTC. I NEVER planned to work at the MTC but I was PRETTY desperate and so I called the lady.
Me:"Hello? I want to interview for the job! Is it still available?"
Julie:"Yes it is! Do you speak spanish?"
"Um, no. I thought the job was for English?"
"Are We talking about the same job here?"
"umm not sure. I was talking about the English teaching position I saw on the internet"
"Oh well there aren't any teaching jobs right now. Sorry! that posting is supposed to be for a job here in our office"
"Oh.....well........can i interview for that job?"
Haha I didn't even know what that job was! And that Is how I started working at the MTC! I interviewed up against like 10 other applicants, and they told me they would call me after the weekend to tell me if I def. didn't have the job, or if I was still being considered. But on the day I interviewed, I got a call from Julie, my boss. And I was like "oh no! They already know they don't want me!" But they called 3 hours later THAT day to tell me they were sure that I was the lady for the job!!
I came into the MTC HR office to a great working environment, and great co-workers. Julie, who is like 32 and as spunky as a girl straight out of the pioneer days (really), was my boss. Brittany and Maren were quiet and reserved but OH so nice and helpful. And then there was Rebekah who always talked to me about what boys she loved and played youtube music from her computer!!. I really liked talking to her during work, and she even invited me to her ugly sweater party at Christmas!! Which was SO nice even though I couldn't go. And I only worked in the office for about a month before Christmas break came and I had to go home. While I was at a little pastry shop in Dallas with my mom one day, I get a call from the MTC. Its the Asian Language Dept. They were told I had the best application out of all of the Chinese Teachers, and they wanted to interview me for a teaching position. I never EVER imagined myself teaching at the MTC. Too legit for me I guess. But I decided to interview, and I got it. And after I left that HR office, I kind of missed it! And one day I came to work and punched in at the time clock, and Rebekah was there! And I was just SOO happy to see her that day! Like when you see someone you REALLY love that you haven't seen in a long time! I was just so happy she was standing there and so happy to see me too! Why hello there bec! Thanks for popping out of nowhere and making my day better when I really need it!
I don't know where Rebekah came from sometimes. It's like one day she wasn't a big part of my life, and then the next day she was, just like THAT (snap). And its one of the easiest and greatest frienships thats ever happened to just fall into my life like it was meant to be!!! I think she had a party that weekend, and I went meaning only to stay for like 15 minutes, and was there for like 3 hours!! Since then we have been great great friends. This woman is funny, witty, charming, BEAUTIFUL, SO fun, interesting heartfelt, and one of the warmest people I have ever met. She has been there for me when I have really needed someone this semester too.
And yesterday when I had the worst worst day....I mean it couldn't have gotten any worse than it did.....she was there for me. Just goes to show that everything happens for a reason and God as a way of putting people in our path that we really need :) I hope she knows how much I LOVE her!!!!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Super Powers!
If you know me, you know that I pride myself on being a very real person. I haven't always been this open and honest. Believe me it's been a process and a struggle at times. But there is nothing I hate more than fake-ness. I hate fake people. yes I do. and don't judge me for that! I hate fake crappy knock-offs of really nice purses. I hate plastic fake food that old people put on their dining room tables....what a tease! What if I tried to eat that mess!? Anyways, you get the picture. I pride myself in being who I really am, even publicly on this blog. Therefore, I admit that I don't really know what I am doing with my life right now. It's in an in between. In limbo if you will. I know where I will BE for the next year yes. But sometimes, things in my life just feel a little unsettled. I feel like something big is coming and I need to get ready.....but what is it??? And has it even come yet? I think alot of other people are feeling this way right now too. I know this because I practice occlemency and can read minds! Actually i'm a blog stalker and I have read it on alot of other blogs :) yep I admit it. But seriously why can't I just be more like a SUPERHERO!? Cause super heros know everything....esp where to find evil crime causing vilains like that Florida team that beat us, or even Lady GAGA in the dark corners of the night! You could just call me Henrietta Potter!! Imagine me taking on the world with my 11 inch peacock feather and whatever heart string wand!? ACCIO LIFE'S PURPOSE! I mean, super heroes, they are confident.....so confident that they will wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes, or on their head, or just wherever they want! And they always look hot! I'll admit I have a small obsession with the Bat Man. I even have a T-shirt that I regularly wear from the little boys section at Wal-Mart. Here's a picture of me trying to be a super hero:
Well, in honor of this unsettling feeling that makes me what to talk about random-ness, I want to let you read something that I wrote in my journal......the paper thing that usually no one else gets to see? yep that thing.
"Sometimes i wonder that if i had a super power, what i would have. Flying would be sweet...if you think about it thats probably Bat Man's main power, and he does alot of good with that. I wouldnt want to hear people's thoughts....that would just be a bad idea for any of us. Seeing the future would just make us end up changing it...so that wouldnt even work. Tonight i was driving just shootin the breeze with myself, thinking about super powers. The needle kept dipping below E and i didnt even care. I just kept on drivin'. Secretly I wanted it to run out of gas because maybe that would magically make time stop....make my life stop. Even for a moment so that i could make everything stop and just be silent for me. and watch the people frozen in time, being human. Then they wouldnt see me crying or look at me driving alone, and i could just re live moments when i wasn't alone until i was ready to hit play again. I keep going forward going forward going forward. sometimes its just terrifying!!! and in that moment in the car i just wanted the remote to my life. i wanted to stop it from happening, or rewind it, or just pause it or something. GO GO GADGET DVR!!!! And the car didnt run out of gas. it kept going, like my life. tick tick tick....minute by minute. the rest of my life goes by, and still approaches. i dont really feel like a hero or anything....but maybe one day i can be to someone and then it will be worth it."
Well, in honor of this unsettling feeling that makes me what to talk about random-ness, I want to let you read something that I wrote in my journal......the paper thing that usually no one else gets to see? yep that thing.
"Sometimes i wonder that if i had a super power, what i would have. Flying would be sweet...if you think about it thats probably Bat Man's main power, and he does alot of good with that. I wouldnt want to hear people's thoughts....that would just be a bad idea for any of us. Seeing the future would just make us end up changing it...so that wouldnt even work. Tonight i was driving just shootin the breeze with myself, thinking about super powers. The needle kept dipping below E and i didnt even care. I just kept on drivin'. Secretly I wanted it to run out of gas because maybe that would magically make time stop....make my life stop. Even for a moment so that i could make everything stop and just be silent for me. and watch the people frozen in time, being human. Then they wouldnt see me crying or look at me driving alone, and i could just re live moments when i wasn't alone until i was ready to hit play again. I keep going forward going forward going forward. sometimes its just terrifying!!! and in that moment in the car i just wanted the remote to my life. i wanted to stop it from happening, or rewind it, or just pause it or something. GO GO GADGET DVR!!!! And the car didnt run out of gas. it kept going, like my life. tick tick tick....minute by minute. the rest of my life goes by, and still approaches. i dont really feel like a hero or anything....but maybe one day i can be to someone and then it will be worth it."
October 5, 2008
I wrote this post on Sunday October 5, 2008, before my mission. I was obviously in the middle of some serious boy drama here. Which was not uncommon for me to have back then. but I was reading through the posts from that time in my life, and they just feel so real and so raw and alive. I want to be able to write like this again. I want to be able to feel like this again.....and I don't mean the romantic part of it. The so alive in my own life and aware of my feelings part. And I don't have to wait till 'someday' for my life to be fulfilled. There was a college study done where students were interviewed at some university, and were asked "when will you be happy" Some said:
"when I graduate"
"when i get married"
"when I score that executive position i'm working for"
"when I have my own home"
and in my case.. "when summer comes"
etc......
Well, why not be happy and fulfilled by TODAY?
I'm gonna work on that.
Here's October 5th for ya:
"I'm going to go ahead and dedicate this post to this boy that i sometimes love...he'll probably never read this. He probably WILL invite me over to his house for conference tomorrow only to ignore me and pretend like we never rolled around in the grass, or cried in each others arms, or like he never gave me that bruise on my neck. AND he'll probably try to set me up with his friend just so that he can try to distract me from distracting him from distracting me from my oh so recent trip to Asia. i dont really know. DUDE..as hannah would say "smatchoo"??? (whats the matter with you?)
Truth be told....it doesnt really matter. I dont know if you ever really loved me....i sure hope so. But this is me officially making my heart let you go. I renounce you and the un-erasable strings that keep me hanging in a permanent free fall of your wake. I allow myself to forget you because i dont think about me in terms of you, or you in terms of us anymore. Because im tired of being humored, and when i come back i deserve someone who gives a crap. So here's what you've been wanting. I release you....all in the name of China.
...........................................................
Its official....im back in texas, my homeland. After drivin with the windows down for 2 days, eatin french toast with bob and elaine: my moms best friend that lives in denver, and claimin the earth just beneath the border, i am here. Its an adjustment. I have a new life. I have new friends. I have a new home and a new room. A new Job. I am new. Renewal within myself is evolving everywhere. I cant help but think: this is actually happening. I am going on a mission to china. I cannot avoid it, nor do i want to. As i look back on my life in this familiar place, i realize what i have come from. I remember high school, bumpin around with the bums and sneakin out in the middle of the night. I visualize freshman year of college, eatin pizza on sunday and cursin up a strom, just to be rebellious. I re-live my revolutions and the release of my rage for the shortcomings in my life. I recall my tears and my prayers. I realize the beginnings of my humanity, and my desire to be a conduit. I am growing....always reaching for God. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. My pride is spent and i send love out into the universe fearlessly. More often than not i dont get it back. Its still worth it. My heart is growing....I am not perfect, nor do i want to be. Satan is real...he works from the inside out. Last week i wanted to leave for lunch without clocking out. My mind often tells me that i am worthless. On the way to work i turned the radio off to contemplate my life. I contemplated so hard that i missed my exit and got mixed up in the mix master. I was late for work (cue your shock) and got back on going the wrong direction. I cursed to myself.....WHERES THE D*** i15 WHEN YOU NEED IT? Yeah its not here. Someday soon ill have to face that. He won that small victory. crap. oh well...whatev.
from the london book:
Its all happening so fast. My life is a speeding train and im not sure where its headed. One thing is certain-ive been given a second chance. Touched by God and ive gotta believe that he has a purpose for my life. So why am i filled with self doubt? Plagued by demons-both real and imaginary. Frightened by the challenges ahead and haunted by the ghosts of my past. Goes God know what i am? Do i? Am i an angel or a monster? And why cant i see the difference?
This apprehension is the child of Evil personified, and i can overcome.
I will break free with my resilience. My reverence. THEN shall the shackles fall.
Love will tread out the fire of anger.
And from the ash i will rise,
and plant a tree of peace
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I'm a super star!
Hey guys guess what I should be doing right now:
Writing a composition for Choral Arranging class
Studying for a huge Chinese test that I have friday
Making up homework that I have yet to turn in
Submitting my financial aid application.
Practicing my singing for 1.5 hours
paying the parking ticket I got the other day.
Wanna know how that is going?
SHAFT. Shaft shaft shaft. All of those are getting shafted! This is what i'm actually doing:
Watching Youtube videos like 'The Creep'
listening to Ingrid Michaleson's Everybody
Going to spin class with with one of my new favorite people that just so happens to share the same name as me.
getting fro-yo with another one of my new favorite peoplee-I love fro-yo!
stalking my faves on facebook....I have so many favorite people! Just how it goes when you are as lucky as me I guess.
Reading my little sister's blog
trying to come up with anything I can to keep from having to do nast homework.
thinking about how hungry I am and how much I want to eat food but DON'T want to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. Dunno why, but I hate it. So I'm DEF not doing that today since we aren't doing productive things right now!
Do you detect a little bit of pride because of this?? Darn straight!!! I am proud and even feel like I deserve a pat on the back for this attitude. It takes courage to do nothing in a world that is all about productivity and over-achieving. You could even call me a trend setter! I'm doing society a favor right now by sticking it to the man. I shouldn't have to contribute to society. You know why? Because I'm a Super Star. Capitol S. Captiol S. Thats right up there with celebrities! And you do think Celebrities do homework? I don't think so. Do you think celebrities engage in ridiculous mind-engagdging activities when they don't want to? Definitely not. Super Stars don't either my fine friends. I also strongly believe in my right to instigate dance parties with my self and others any time of the day that i like, responsibilities or not. Besides, I hate being responsible. Since I'm a celebrity now, here are some super chic pictures of me.
These are all of my super star poses. I took these just now for all my fans. I was gonna tweet these to you but i'm slow and don't know how to use advanced technology like that so my blog will have to suffice.
Hope you are having as great a day as me!!!
I 'mIn love :)
Yellowcard just came out with their new CD TODAY! I love every song. I love their talent. I love that their music always feels like summer to me, and has accompanied me on many many roadtrips. And even though I love alternative music and I LOVE their violin, I always need some acoustic to get me in that nostalgic mood that I so constantly drift into when I don't want to think about my current life. Well done Yellowcard. Just Sing for me!!!!
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Worst....
In my life time I have felt a various slew of different kinds of emotions, seeing as I am a semi emotional person that needs to talk about her feelings alot. Yes I am that kind of girl, and I think we've all been there. Out of all of these complex emotions such as being extaticly happy, excited, in love, stoked, proud, betrayed, just plain sad, broken hearted, self conscious, scared, distressed, and anxious....to me there is an emotion that is the worst out of all of these....
Missing someone when you have to say goodbye.
I hate this. I usually will avoid it because it rips my heart out. After saying goodbye follows missing the person, and this is an emotion that I have yet to learn how to deal with in a calm mature adult way. Seems like only time takes away the sting of missing someone you really love, because it heals hearts. When i say goodbye my cool composure suddenly melts into a hot emotional mess with tears and the desperate need for me to tell the person how I really feel. I have never experienced someone close to me dying, which is good because of how I would cope, or lack thereof. It varies in degree depending on the person. When I love people I just really love them.
Tomorrow my three elders leave for HK. I'll admit i'm kind of attached to them because they are my very first district and so much of my heart, soul, and prayers have gone into helping them find their passion for the work and for Chinese these past few months. We have a very special bond I feel like, and I have worked so hard to teach them everything I feel like they need to know. We also have lots of good memories laughing about stupid chinese mistakes (like saying God Killed people and the apostles), and tons of spiritual moments. I'm dreading saying goodbye. But I know it is for the best, and I am so proud of them. They are just like little brothers to me. I'm beaming I'm so proud at how much progress they have made from just meandering around awkwardly wondering what to say in a lesson, into becoming great teachers. I'm gonna try not to let them see me tear up when we have to say goodbye tomorrow!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
PHO
I want you to meet Amy. She is the roommate of a girl that I was friends with in the MTC, and is probably the coolest return missionary girl I have ever met. So OF COURSE we are friends. She bails me out when I get towed. I bail her out when she gets towed (although that hasn't happened yet....some day we will be tow twinners since this is Provo and everyone freaking gets towed sometime) Sometimes people say we look like sisters. Maybe we are since we like all the same things like forever 21 and indi rock music and not thinking twice about eating girl scout cookies. Every time we hang out, it is raining. Go figure. She's the one on the left.
On Saturday night we both really really wanted to eat PHO (Pronounced F-UH). There is a really good place that has it over in Orem next to the really good Japanses Sushi place that I like. If you haven't ever had Pho, its delicious noodles with meat in soup with tons of other good stuff. I love me some good noodles! If you know me, you know that I really like to take pictures of food. I think I picked that up in Asia....or maybe I really am that nerdy. IDK. Hard to tell. But here's a picture.
LOOK we ate it all! Except JK they are all fakes that put their left overs in take away containers so they could try to look legit for the picture. I am the ONLY one who finished ALL of this huge bowl. Shocker.
Although Pho Is amazingly yummy, it is a dangerous word. Amy and I went out to the car (in the rain) and realized that we both wreaked of asian noodle.
Amy: "UGH I smell like Pho"
Me: "Dang, I smell like Pho too. HAHAHAH"
If you say this out loud you will get why it's funny. We kept saying this to eachother for like the whole night. Yes I am really mature
I forgot to mention that before dinner, Amy and I headed up to the mall for some retail therapy. Check out my blingin' ring in the above picture. We found those at Charlotte Russe: 2 for $8! Matching friendship rings?! UM YES PLEASE!!
Then we went to the Vans store. Amy got adorable new vans for her birthday but she wore them like 8 times before realizing they were the wrong size. Sounds alot like something I would do. So we went to the store and bought another pair, but she said I could try on her 6.5 ones to see if they fit. PERFECT FIT!
The shopping and Pho extravaganza was also followed a quick stop at my friend Laura's st. patty's day party, and movie watching/nail painting. Talk about girls' night! I used to have a severe aversion to girls night, but if you had the friends I had, you would want to have girls night every night too!!
When i got home that night I had crazy insomnia. I watched like 3 episodes of glee and broke out this cheeze and cracker platter my mom left me and threw myself a PARTY! I decided to clean up my new vans by throwing the laces in the wash and scrubbing up the white rubber part. Pulled me out some KABOOM! With a name like that how could you go wrong? Until stupid Kaboom wasn't working and I looked on the label and realized that its bathroom cleaner. Whoops. Guess my toilet isn't getting THAT clean after all. Spic and Span did the trick though.
And here they are! My new navy blue babies waitin for the laces to come out of the wash :)! YES yes I am the proud new owner of this pair of Vans. Not so sure If I can pull vans off, but I figure what they hey. They are so cute!!!
And these are the random happenings of my life.
On Saturday night we both really really wanted to eat PHO (Pronounced F-UH). There is a really good place that has it over in Orem next to the really good Japanses Sushi place that I like. If you haven't ever had Pho, its delicious noodles with meat in soup with tons of other good stuff. I love me some good noodles! If you know me, you know that I really like to take pictures of food. I think I picked that up in Asia....or maybe I really am that nerdy. IDK. Hard to tell. But here's a picture.
LOOK we ate it all! Except JK they are all fakes that put their left overs in take away containers so they could try to look legit for the picture. I am the ONLY one who finished ALL of this huge bowl. Shocker.
Although Pho Is amazingly yummy, it is a dangerous word. Amy and I went out to the car (in the rain) and realized that we both wreaked of asian noodle.
Amy: "UGH I smell like Pho"
Me: "Dang, I smell like Pho too. HAHAHAH"
If you say this out loud you will get why it's funny. We kept saying this to eachother for like the whole night. Yes I am really mature
I forgot to mention that before dinner, Amy and I headed up to the mall for some retail therapy. Check out my blingin' ring in the above picture. We found those at Charlotte Russe: 2 for $8! Matching friendship rings?! UM YES PLEASE!!
Then we went to the Vans store. Amy got adorable new vans for her birthday but she wore them like 8 times before realizing they were the wrong size. Sounds alot like something I would do. So we went to the store and bought another pair, but she said I could try on her 6.5 ones to see if they fit. PERFECT FIT!
The shopping and Pho extravaganza was also followed a quick stop at my friend Laura's st. patty's day party, and movie watching/nail painting. Talk about girls' night! I used to have a severe aversion to girls night, but if you had the friends I had, you would want to have girls night every night too!!
When i got home that night I had crazy insomnia. I watched like 3 episodes of glee and broke out this cheeze and cracker platter my mom left me and threw myself a PARTY! I decided to clean up my new vans by throwing the laces in the wash and scrubbing up the white rubber part. Pulled me out some KABOOM! With a name like that how could you go wrong? Until stupid Kaboom wasn't working and I looked on the label and realized that its bathroom cleaner. Whoops. Guess my toilet isn't getting THAT clean after all. Spic and Span did the trick though.
And here they are! My new navy blue babies waitin for the laces to come out of the wash :)! YES yes I am the proud new owner of this pair of Vans. Not so sure If I can pull vans off, but I figure what they hey. They are so cute!!!
And these are the random happenings of my life.
Confession
Alright, today I need to confess something to you, my loyal readers.
I am a musician.
There, I said it. I study in the school of music. I sing in a variety of different styles INCLUDING opera (Yes opera....that was hard to say but I said it!), folk, jazz, country and pop-legit. I have composed some music before. I have played the piano since I was 8 years old and took lessons for 10 years. My mom always told me that I was singing before I could even speak. When I was 2 years old I could babble and say a few words, but sometimes I would randomly start humming or singing a tune that I heard in the car (probably raffi or something....gotta love raffi!) She pushed me to sing in church from the time I was five years old up until now. She drove me around to music lessons for years and wouldn't let me quit even when I thought I was too busy running track, meeting with student council presidency, or being dance officer on the MacArthur Cardettes. I sang in choir all through middle school and high school, and even sang in Concert and Jazz choir my senior year. I was lucky enough to sing solos on the choir performances that won us State awards in competitions and festivals. The best word to describe me in high school would be INVOLVED to say the least. But mom never let me back out of those piano lessons every week. She Is my biggest supporter and my biggest fan.
When I got to college I decided to study music because I couldn't think of anything that I would want to do more! I was young and unimformed of the vast amount of career options out there. But I came to college thinking I was some music hot shot, only to realize that ALOT of people here think that. I started voice lessons at BYU with the realization that I was going to have to swallow a whole lot of nasty medicine at this school in order to be considered a 'good' and respected musician. I worked my butt off for two years practicing hours and hours for my audition, and talking to numerous other majors to figure out how to put together my massive teaching portfolio. And then finally at the end of my sophomore year, I got accepted. Dream come true. I was so proud I could have died.
Then life kind of ended. Music classes engulfed my whole life and I was in the HFAC from 7am until almost 9pm on some nights practicing, doing projects, going to concerts, BEING in concerts. It got exhausting after awhile. And somehow, my singing just didn't ever seem to be enough for the professors. After time that got old, and I got sick of all the kids at this school obsessing over music like its bigger than life itself. Something died in me. I stopped telling people that I study music. When i moved into a new ward, I didn't write that I know how to play the piano or sing or conduct on the little get to know you slip. I started to hide. I really have no idea when exactly this started to happen, or why I delt with it this way. Right before my mission, i stopped singing all together except in the car, and I didn't even take one piece of music with me on my mission. I didn't tell anyone there that I could sing either. I only sang a few times in a couple of wards. Some people I serve with don't even know I can sing. At the time I told myself that giving up music was my mission sacrifice to keep me from being distracted. When I think back on this, it makes me kind of sad though.
Since I came back to school, I've had kind of a bad attitude about music, but I enrolled in the classes I have left just to get through and get out. I threw myself into other stuff that felt less foreign like chinese (because i've been doing THAT for the last two years) and didn't put my heart into really anything. But one day I woke up and just thought "what is my DEAL!?". Why do something that can be so fun and not love it?! And that is why I am confessing all of this to you. Because I do love music. It has changed my life in so many ways, and a song can even help me to realize my true emotions. And I am a talented musician. I don't have to be compared with anyone else to be talented. And I shouldn't be ashamed in front of my friends or people I love to be heard singing classical pieces or singing anything, because I love it! And on the days that I don't love it, i'll just keep reminding myself that I do until I believe it. I'm not letting anyone else let me think that I don't have anything to offer. Because i DO. I'm not going to be scared of this anymore.
Some recent experiences in my life have helped me to wake up to the realization that I need to re-connect with this part of myself. And In honor of that I decided to do something that I have always wanted to do: play the guitar!!! My mom is not a professionally trained musician by any means, but she has some musical talent and can always sing on key. She played guitar for a few months when she was younger, and she gave me her old guitar a few years back. My freshman year I took a guitar class and thought it was pretty easy, but never actually put in the effort to learn how to play something. Well, now that Is all about to change. On Saturday I took my guitar to Best in Music to get restrung and tuned. I'm determined to teach myself to play, and I already have a bunch of songs in mind from Dixie Chicks, Tangled, and Michelle Branch that I want to play!!!!
I also have decided that once I get a little better on said guitar, I want to write a song. Yes that's right. An original song. The other day when mom was here, we went to see the Carl Bloch exibit. It was pretty good even though impressionistic art is more my thing, but I saw this quote on the wall:
"And he dipped his paintbrush in his heart"
I love this because real artists DO get their inspiration from their heart! I consider myself to be an artist with my music, my painting, and my writing, and I know that all of my inspiration and motivation comes from my emotions and beliefs. It comes from my heart. So i'm going to use this idea for my song. I've already got a couple different takes on it in my mind and I'm just stoked!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
NBC "Community" - Spanish Rap - HQ
So lately I am trying to catch up on all of the shows that I missed while I was gone. And one of them is "Community". I LOVE THIS SHOW! Think 'The Office' random humor meets community college.....who can help but make fun of community college!?
I also want to learn this rap. Donde esta la biblioteca??
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
cupcake man.
To the boy who ding dong ditched this box of Sweet Tooth Fairy cupcakes for me on my doorstep......
I love you. I don't even know you, but I love you. Search over, lets get married. The fact that you would leave sugary goodness on my doorstep on an oh so too chilly march night while i'm spazzin out about summer means that You obviously get me.
That is all.
I love you. I don't even know you, but I love you. Search over, lets get married. The fact that you would leave sugary goodness on my doorstep on an oh so too chilly march night while i'm spazzin out about summer means that You obviously get me.
That is all.
Angsty Angst.
Sorry for the slew of posts all right in a row!! But I figure, if you don't care about what I have to say, then why are you reading this blog????
Here goes people. Right now I'm ANGSTIN'. If you don't know what that word means then DUDE LOOK THAT MESS UP!. This word is a big part of being emily. I use this word all the time because I always feel this way! But what am i angstin' for? well freak what am i NOT angsting for is the real question!!!!!?
SUMMMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I also tend to angst for boys. and for really good food.
but I just made a new play list in honor of SUMMER. This playlist feels like orange popsicle, sand, and teenage angst to me. I'm really really good at being angsty. Probably why Dashboard Confessional is my fave band.
I ALSO just had a birthday. And im angstin for ALOT of stuff right now.
Here is my birthday wish list for myself....since I have birthday money and have yet to get myself a nice gift for turning 24.
1. Michael Kors white watch. SO nice.
2. Ray Bans Aviators.
3. new TOMS.
4.lots of clothes that I don't have the money for but actually really 'need'. And sandals.
5. A new chi straightner
6. Yellow Card's new album
i'm angstin' for.......
snow cone runs. I'm obsessed.
OH honey, ROADTRIPS!!!!
cute little cuffed shorts and cotton T-shirts. I don't own these yet but it's in style and I plan on goin' SHOPPING!
Ran bans sun glasses (i'm savin up!!)
bare feet, or flip flops if I must wear shoes
beach sand and seashells.....California is where my heart lies.
The lake and the rope swing in Mona
Bike ridin' and roller bladin'
Summer lovin' and the drive in movie. Lots of times these go together. ;)
warm late nights with pleanty of silliness
outdoor concerts....and indoor concerts too.
funnel cakes
Drivin' with the windows down and the Jams on high with my foot in the dash.
swimming and getting rid of this pasty whiteness!
It just needs to come already!
Fashion Passion....
If you know me at all, you know that I teach the missionaries at the MTC. And I absolutely LOVE them! We totally have all these inside jokes between just us 4 and I feel like they are my little brothers. Sometimes they tell me that talking about baptism with investigators should be like sending subliminal messages.
"So how was your day today....cough.baptism.....how's your family?" HAHAHA we do this all the time now!
Sometimes I call them elders to the 3rd power, or elders cubed, because there are three of them, and when they have unity, their power isn't just added together, but magnified! They are leaving on monday and I'M SAD! I'm gonna miss those little guys. I'll post some pictures soon.
Well the other day i was having my weekly interview with one of them. And He just kept saying "i can't speak Cantonese. And I think that no one likes me"
And I was like "Elder if you expect people not to like you, they won't! Plus, what's not to like? If you keep telling yourself that you can't learn Chinese, then you won't! You have to change how you feel about yourself. Every time you want to say that you can't speak Cantonese, I want you to lie back to yourself and say that you can. Say it all day long. Say it to yourself in the mirror in the morning. Say it in the shower, write it in your Journal. Just keep saying that to yourself until you believe it, and then it will come true"
I really believe this. Power of positive thinking baby. Well its time to take my own advice. And here is my own big crisis.....
FASHION.
I have very bad fashion sense. Since college i have come across a few people that have 'critiqued' the way that I dress myself, and have given me a complex about it.I buy clothes that are too big, bright colors, out of style but on sale, previously worn, and thrift store finds. Well brothers and sisters, i've decided to change this about myself. It's time to change my ways and get down to business.
two weeks ago I came home to find 2 clothing catalogues on my coffee table. I now dress just like half the girls in those magazines. Unoriginal? Probably. But who freaking cares because I look GOOD and people actually compliment me lately. I also copy all of the other girls at school....they look good and they wear army pants and flip flops, so I wear army pants and flip flops. They also wear skinny jeans and boots with skirts and cool scarves......fashion is becoming sort of an obsession for me. And therefore, I WILL be good at it. I mean, if brainless models can pick out cool clothes, shoot I pretty much have a college degree so how hard can that be? And i think I look just as good as them, even without plastic surgery. That's right. I said that. This is my fashion passion.
Here's a picture of some of the stuff I bought because I copied anthropology and Jcrew models......
my fave snack that I make for myself....
Ok girls....or guys. Just whoever reads this....
Its time to show you my favorite treat. I LOVE pizza. I love it. And sometimes i'm too poor to buy it. Or just too darn lazy to make it! So I have come up with these little treats that i LOVE: baby pizzas! not to be confused with bagel bites or any of that other frozen crap that you pick up at wal-mart. Now I have never posted a recipe or other food making thing like this on my blog before (simply because I FAIL at making food....but I DEF don't fail at eating it!!!) However, i've seen some other kids do it on their blogs and its kinda FUN! This snack is SO quick and SO easy, that I love it and I make it for me and my roommates sometimes after school. Here's what you need:
A pack of english muffins
Spaghetti Sauce or pizza sauce
grated cheddar cheeze
turkey pepperoni and whatever else you want on it.
I think the pictures make it pretty self explanatory. And this mess is HEALTHY people!!!!!
Birfday!!!!!!!!
nowit'stimetotalkaboutmy BIRTHDAY!!!
ok....i got older. woo. Newho, On to pics of the great celebrations.
On the friday before my birthday, some amazing friends decided to throw me a part-TAY at their house that is white. Its called the white house. That day after class we went to get food and glow sticks, and then picked up some friends to go eat at this amazing place......BOMBAY HOUSE!!! Its REALLY yummy indian food and I don't even remember what I ate because my friend picked it out for me, but OMG I want to marry this food. hmmmm.
Then we dined for so long that we forgot that our party was starting without us!!! So we ran home to make the playlist of Jamz. Everyone that is ANYONE in the prov was there people. Even some random people ran in and crashed the party as if they were invited. My new soon to be roommates also came, but did not make it inside because they were outside having deep deep convos about life. As if that's more exciting than dancing. Several moves were busted.
On Monday my amazing brother and sister took me to my now second favorite. Second only to bombay house that is. and thats CRACKER BARREL. There is no other place where you can eat mom's home cookin, play checkers on your table, and go shopping in an old country store all in one restaurant!!! My sister also gave me a sweet sweet outfit from forever 21 to wear on my REAL birthday. And there weren't any tags on it so I think she might have re-gifted it. But that mess is hot so whatever.
On Tuesday, 2 of my married friends came with me to SLAB!!! Its this place under campus plaza where you eat really really ridiculously large slices of really really good pizza. Stephanie and I have been friends for like years, and she lives accross the street from me with her husband! Abby slept in the bunk above me in London, and at first it drove me nuts that she always got into her bed at like 4 in the morning after doing art projects and woke me up with her snoring every single night!!! So-because of this of course we were destined to be friends. These 2 supported me non-stop from the time we got back from London, to the day that I left on my mission. And they even wrote to me!!! I love you both! And Abby even has a baby now.....he is just THE. CUTEST. THING.
Then later that night. Fro-Yo. my favorite treat with some of my favorite people. Need I say more?
ok....i got older. woo. Newho, On to pics of the great celebrations.
On the friday before my birthday, some amazing friends decided to throw me a part-TAY at their house that is white. Its called the white house. That day after class we went to get food and glow sticks, and then picked up some friends to go eat at this amazing place......BOMBAY HOUSE!!! Its REALLY yummy indian food and I don't even remember what I ate because my friend picked it out for me, but OMG I want to marry this food. hmmmm.
Then we dined for so long that we forgot that our party was starting without us!!! So we ran home to make the playlist of Jamz. Everyone that is ANYONE in the prov was there people. Even some random people ran in and crashed the party as if they were invited. My new soon to be roommates also came, but did not make it inside because they were outside having deep deep convos about life. As if that's more exciting than dancing. Several moves were busted.
On Monday my amazing brother and sister took me to my now second favorite. Second only to bombay house that is. and thats CRACKER BARREL. There is no other place where you can eat mom's home cookin, play checkers on your table, and go shopping in an old country store all in one restaurant!!! My sister also gave me a sweet sweet outfit from forever 21 to wear on my REAL birthday. And there weren't any tags on it so I think she might have re-gifted it. But that mess is hot so whatever.
On Tuesday, 2 of my married friends came with me to SLAB!!! Its this place under campus plaza where you eat really really ridiculously large slices of really really good pizza. Stephanie and I have been friends for like years, and she lives accross the street from me with her husband! Abby slept in the bunk above me in London, and at first it drove me nuts that she always got into her bed at like 4 in the morning after doing art projects and woke me up with her snoring every single night!!! So-because of this of course we were destined to be friends. These 2 supported me non-stop from the time we got back from London, to the day that I left on my mission. And they even wrote to me!!! I love you both! And Abby even has a baby now.....he is just THE. CUTEST. THING.
Then later that night. Fro-Yo. my favorite treat with some of my favorite people. Need I say more?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Things i just need to say.......
For the 2.5 people that actually read my blog, I recently changed it alot. It was neglected for a long time while I was out searching for myself in the big big world. And one day I decided to re-visit it, so I clicked on it and waited for it to pull up. at first the link didn't work, which I took to be symbolic irony. Kind of like when you are tryin' to be friends with someone and you click the "let me in" button, and then you just wait, knowing that some day they will open up. But you might have to wait while first just the blank page pulls up but nothing else, and then one by one the little boxes fill in so that you can see the whole picture. People are like this to me.....yes they are like web pages that take forever to load because my internet is crappy. I dig for people, and I try to fill in all of their pieces until I can see who they really are.
Well this one day, my blog just didn't feel right when it FINALLY did load. It needed a big change, just like me. The first thing that came to my mind was "beautiful disaster". Now I know that this is a song by Kelly Clarkson from FOREVER ago. Lets just be clear that my blog is not named after Kelly's song. The beautiful disaster is my life.
Lately I feel very RESTLESS. My friend brooklyn and I were talking about this the other day and it made me realize my restlessness in full. Because before I know I had it, but I hadn't given it a diagnosis. As of late my mind seems to be flying in a million different directions, and i grab it and try to make it sit still and concentrate, much in the way that you discipline a naughty child. But it just WON'T. I think about people that I love and that I want to love me. I think about life. I think about summer, I think about the places that I want to run away to, and about books and other things that will fulfill me more than what I am doing right NOW. And then I wonder, why I'm not happy with my life right now?
I have so many happy moments. I have so many people that love me. I try my best to do what's right, even though I could be so much better at this I know. And so I look within myself to see where my void is.
And I think the void is me. Within my mask, or my facade. Within my fear. I'm working on it. But stuck within my mind I seem to be in my own world and I don't even realize that my homework is due, or that people called me. And my life starts to turn into this disaster that is just blowing to and fro without an anchor grounding me to my responsibilities. RESTLESSNESS. And before I know it i've spent my homework time looking at Anthropologie catalogues or reading posts from my best friends' blog hoping that I will feel SOMETHING. or passing mindless chat with people only to realize that it is midnight and my crap still isn't done. This mess is ridiculous people.
But the search that I constantly undertake is a noble one. I think the search for one's true self and the ambition to unveil it to the world is the struggle of many people. Because we all just want someone to know who we really are. Human kind NEEDS expression. Expression of Self, love, ambitions, passions, and emotion. And I think this is where my music comes into my life. While I was gone I forgot why I am a musician. I forgot why I need music in my life. I mean, I was so shut off from music for so long that I came back to a chaotic jumble of new artists, sounds, and beats that just didn't quite make sense at first. This musical chaos seemed like an unknown black hole to me, and therefore I just convinced myself that I'm bad at it so that I wouldn't have to deal with trying to go back to being SO SO good at music like all of those kids at school are. Convincing myself I hated my major was easier than the daunting task of going back into it. But music is expression. And I need that right now. Writing is expression, and that is why I write this blog. Not to be all funny and sarcastic, or just talk about random happenings in my life, or to tell you about food. (Which I will occasionally write about, don't get me wrong) This blog is a glimpse into ME. It is the expression of my soul, my life, my emotions, my struggles, and my triumphs. And while I feel like a disaster and even feel really vulnerable at times, I NEED this. When I am vulnerable, I know I am being brave. Because I choose not to hold up a mask.
I am also a woman of multiple personalities. And that confuses me.
Personality #1 Heartfelt. This part of me talks to my missionaries, and teaches them about the Gospel and about how God can fill up our voids. This is heartfelt Emily, and no one else except the missionaries really sees me like this because it makes me feel vulnerable. Do you ever feel like sometimes when you speak, the words aren't your own and you are just moving your mouth, but the things that are coming out are so powerful, like beyond the power of yourself. This is how I feel when I talk about the gospel. And the feeling of love lodges itself so deeply in my heart that I can't feel anything else.
Personality #2. Fun Loving: I like to think that I am pretty funny sometimes, even though i'm probably just dumb. I love to act like an idiot!! It's just really entertaining to me to do stupid stuff, and watch people laugh. I love to laugh! Its one of the only times that I can feel that everything else that I'm thinking about or worrying about melts away and I am really me.
Personality #3: Professional: At school I have to speak with professors all the time about classes, or about the club that I am the president of. I don't really like acting like this but I am good at pulling it off, and faking like I know what I'm doing. Because of this personality, I think some people might be intimidated by me.
Personality #4: Sarcastic. When i get into this mode, it spreads through me like fire and I am completely different. Because sarcastic me has alot of the old, colder me in it. When It comes, it feels familiar and comfortable so I figure that it must be part of the real me. Personality #4 Judges people. It acts like it is better than everyone else. Personality #4 Is intimidating. It is not afraid to mouth off, or run red lights, or just do whatever it wants. It's filled with young energy and nostalgia of moments of greatness. She also doesn't care about what anyone thinks or about their feelings, which is where she gets her feeling of power from. She doesn't let herself need anyone, not even God. Despite how bad this sounds, a lot of people really like her. This personality confuses me alot. And when it takes over it feels good, and in control. But afterwards I know why sarcastic me is not the real me. Because she is not real. Her confidence is fake and protects her from letting people see that she struggles, and that she is sometimes insecure and easily hurt. She comes out when we want to hide. This personality just feels so different from personality #1, and I wonder how so many different sides can be within one person!?
Needless to say, coming home from a mission has really thrown me up in the air, and given me a chance to grow, along with alot of room for self discovery. Maybe this is just a life long process for me. But whenever I think about this I know that everything that I am going through is for a reason. And therefore, It's beautiful to me. All of the moments that I felt like I might never be normal again, or the tears that I've cried; the friends that i have because of it, or my fearful moments that people will not accept me; all of the millions of mistakes that I have made. I would never change any of it. Not for a second. This is who I am at this point in my life. I'm thankful.
Well this one day, my blog just didn't feel right when it FINALLY did load. It needed a big change, just like me. The first thing that came to my mind was "beautiful disaster". Now I know that this is a song by Kelly Clarkson from FOREVER ago. Lets just be clear that my blog is not named after Kelly's song. The beautiful disaster is my life.
Lately I feel very RESTLESS. My friend brooklyn and I were talking about this the other day and it made me realize my restlessness in full. Because before I know I had it, but I hadn't given it a diagnosis. As of late my mind seems to be flying in a million different directions, and i grab it and try to make it sit still and concentrate, much in the way that you discipline a naughty child. But it just WON'T. I think about people that I love and that I want to love me. I think about life. I think about summer, I think about the places that I want to run away to, and about books and other things that will fulfill me more than what I am doing right NOW. And then I wonder, why I'm not happy with my life right now?
I have so many happy moments. I have so many people that love me. I try my best to do what's right, even though I could be so much better at this I know. And so I look within myself to see where my void is.
And I think the void is me. Within my mask, or my facade. Within my fear. I'm working on it. But stuck within my mind I seem to be in my own world and I don't even realize that my homework is due, or that people called me. And my life starts to turn into this disaster that is just blowing to and fro without an anchor grounding me to my responsibilities. RESTLESSNESS. And before I know it i've spent my homework time looking at Anthropologie catalogues or reading posts from my best friends' blog hoping that I will feel SOMETHING. or passing mindless chat with people only to realize that it is midnight and my crap still isn't done. This mess is ridiculous people.
But the search that I constantly undertake is a noble one. I think the search for one's true self and the ambition to unveil it to the world is the struggle of many people. Because we all just want someone to know who we really are. Human kind NEEDS expression. Expression of Self, love, ambitions, passions, and emotion. And I think this is where my music comes into my life. While I was gone I forgot why I am a musician. I forgot why I need music in my life. I mean, I was so shut off from music for so long that I came back to a chaotic jumble of new artists, sounds, and beats that just didn't quite make sense at first. This musical chaos seemed like an unknown black hole to me, and therefore I just convinced myself that I'm bad at it so that I wouldn't have to deal with trying to go back to being SO SO good at music like all of those kids at school are. Convincing myself I hated my major was easier than the daunting task of going back into it. But music is expression. And I need that right now. Writing is expression, and that is why I write this blog. Not to be all funny and sarcastic, or just talk about random happenings in my life, or to tell you about food. (Which I will occasionally write about, don't get me wrong) This blog is a glimpse into ME. It is the expression of my soul, my life, my emotions, my struggles, and my triumphs. And while I feel like a disaster and even feel really vulnerable at times, I NEED this. When I am vulnerable, I know I am being brave. Because I choose not to hold up a mask.
I am also a woman of multiple personalities. And that confuses me.
Personality #1 Heartfelt. This part of me talks to my missionaries, and teaches them about the Gospel and about how God can fill up our voids. This is heartfelt Emily, and no one else except the missionaries really sees me like this because it makes me feel vulnerable. Do you ever feel like sometimes when you speak, the words aren't your own and you are just moving your mouth, but the things that are coming out are so powerful, like beyond the power of yourself. This is how I feel when I talk about the gospel. And the feeling of love lodges itself so deeply in my heart that I can't feel anything else.
Personality #2. Fun Loving: I like to think that I am pretty funny sometimes, even though i'm probably just dumb. I love to act like an idiot!! It's just really entertaining to me to do stupid stuff, and watch people laugh. I love to laugh! Its one of the only times that I can feel that everything else that I'm thinking about or worrying about melts away and I am really me.
Personality #3: Professional: At school I have to speak with professors all the time about classes, or about the club that I am the president of. I don't really like acting like this but I am good at pulling it off, and faking like I know what I'm doing. Because of this personality, I think some people might be intimidated by me.
Personality #4: Sarcastic. When i get into this mode, it spreads through me like fire and I am completely different. Because sarcastic me has alot of the old, colder me in it. When It comes, it feels familiar and comfortable so I figure that it must be part of the real me. Personality #4 Judges people. It acts like it is better than everyone else. Personality #4 Is intimidating. It is not afraid to mouth off, or run red lights, or just do whatever it wants. It's filled with young energy and nostalgia of moments of greatness. She also doesn't care about what anyone thinks or about their feelings, which is where she gets her feeling of power from. She doesn't let herself need anyone, not even God. Despite how bad this sounds, a lot of people really like her. This personality confuses me alot. And when it takes over it feels good, and in control. But afterwards I know why sarcastic me is not the real me. Because she is not real. Her confidence is fake and protects her from letting people see that she struggles, and that she is sometimes insecure and easily hurt. She comes out when we want to hide. This personality just feels so different from personality #1, and I wonder how so many different sides can be within one person!?
Needless to say, coming home from a mission has really thrown me up in the air, and given me a chance to grow, along with alot of room for self discovery. Maybe this is just a life long process for me. But whenever I think about this I know that everything that I am going through is for a reason. And therefore, It's beautiful to me. All of the moments that I felt like I might never be normal again, or the tears that I've cried; the friends that i have because of it, or my fearful moments that people will not accept me; all of the millions of mistakes that I have made. I would never change any of it. Not for a second. This is who I am at this point in my life. I'm thankful.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The love of my life!!!!
Alright alright I feel a need to post something good so that the first thing people see when they come to my blog isn't expletives (see below post). Therefore, I am going to tell you about today: THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!! I like to be dramatic so i'm using all caps.
What's good about today my friends? WELL for starters i literally felt my soul thawing out as i walked across campus doing the many things that a busy girl such as I would do. I was walking to the travel agent's office to get my ticket to china for the fall....which isn't cheap by the way. I walk into the office and there are a bunch of kids just haphazardly standing around. I say "is there a line? line anyone?" No response. So i walk straight up to the lady's cubicle. Then some shaggy looking kid with his hair brushed in his face looks up from studying his shoes or whatever to say "umm, this is the line. That's why I said 'line's here' like multiple times." Speak up kid....THIKING things don't count as saying them in the real world. :) your words obviously didn't even make it out of your mouth past your 90's bangs. So i parked myself on the bench just outside the office to wait. Then, right at that moment I look up to see...the most glorious thing I have ever seen on a warm thursday afternoon ever in my whole life....
GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. yes that's right. less than 10 feet away from my grasp.
In the bottom of a lady's stroller parked right in front of me were boxes and BOXES of sensuously thin minty goodness! I freaked out and seriously thought about kifing(?) them right out of the stroller and makin' a break for it. But then I thought that the lady looked pretty butch, and might catch me and beat me to a pulp if i tried to run away with her kid's cookies. Sitting there looking at those cookies... i was about to go insane. My primal instinct to eat cookies was so strong at that point that i would have shanked an infant for those cookies. So i just blurted it out:
ohmygoshwheredidyougetthosecookies?????????
"i'm selling them! would you like some?"
"ummmm YES. CHAAA! I will buy every box you've got"
unfortunately I only had about $10 cash on me, and it was a miracle from Jesus that I even had that. And when I say a miracle, i'm not being sacrilegious. I needed those cookies for my SOUL. Homegirl with the baby stroller saved my soul today. Halleluia!!!! I purchased one box of Tagalongs, one Thin Mint, and one Samoa. I will insert a picture as proof.
Now here I am, excited to have the love of my life back in my arms. This is a tender moment.
lots of other great things happened today too.....like when I found 5 more dollars in my wallet after the cookie incident. YAY! Except I was kind of pissed cause I could have bought more cookies!! I actually got my practicing in for the day, which i HAVE to do so that I don't look like a complete idiot at my upcoming recital. I saw some of my best friends! I blew off homework AGAIN....and then just embraced the fact that my brain is almost complete mush and almost useless. which must be why i've lost my phone like EVERYWHERE lately and always do other totally ditzy blonde stuff like put my baby powder in the freezer without thinking. Yikes! ALSO, my room had a birthday EXPLOSION!!!!
good thing I didn't die......
BEST DAY EVER! Ok not ever, but still pretty good. birthday updates forthcoming with PICTURES!!!!!
What's good about today my friends? WELL for starters i literally felt my soul thawing out as i walked across campus doing the many things that a busy girl such as I would do. I was walking to the travel agent's office to get my ticket to china for the fall....which isn't cheap by the way. I walk into the office and there are a bunch of kids just haphazardly standing around. I say "is there a line? line anyone?" No response. So i walk straight up to the lady's cubicle. Then some shaggy looking kid with his hair brushed in his face looks up from studying his shoes or whatever to say "umm, this is the line. That's why I said 'line's here' like multiple times." Speak up kid....THIKING things don't count as saying them in the real world. :) your words obviously didn't even make it out of your mouth past your 90's bangs. So i parked myself on the bench just outside the office to wait. Then, right at that moment I look up to see...the most glorious thing I have ever seen on a warm thursday afternoon ever in my whole life....
GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. yes that's right. less than 10 feet away from my grasp.
In the bottom of a lady's stroller parked right in front of me were boxes and BOXES of sensuously thin minty goodness! I freaked out and seriously thought about kifing(?) them right out of the stroller and makin' a break for it. But then I thought that the lady looked pretty butch, and might catch me and beat me to a pulp if i tried to run away with her kid's cookies. Sitting there looking at those cookies... i was about to go insane. My primal instinct to eat cookies was so strong at that point that i would have shanked an infant for those cookies. So i just blurted it out:
ohmygoshwheredidyougetthosecookies?????????
"i'm selling them! would you like some?"
"ummmm YES. CHAAA! I will buy every box you've got"
unfortunately I only had about $10 cash on me, and it was a miracle from Jesus that I even had that. And when I say a miracle, i'm not being sacrilegious. I needed those cookies for my SOUL. Homegirl with the baby stroller saved my soul today. Halleluia!!!! I purchased one box of Tagalongs, one Thin Mint, and one Samoa. I will insert a picture as proof.
Now here I am, excited to have the love of my life back in my arms. This is a tender moment.
lots of other great things happened today too.....like when I found 5 more dollars in my wallet after the cookie incident. YAY! Except I was kind of pissed cause I could have bought more cookies!! I actually got my practicing in for the day, which i HAVE to do so that I don't look like a complete idiot at my upcoming recital. I saw some of my best friends! I blew off homework AGAIN....and then just embraced the fact that my brain is almost complete mush and almost useless. which must be why i've lost my phone like EVERYWHERE lately and always do other totally ditzy blonde stuff like put my baby powder in the freezer without thinking. Yikes! ALSO, my room had a birthday EXPLOSION!!!!
good thing I didn't die......
BEST DAY EVER! Ok not ever, but still pretty good. birthday updates forthcoming with PICTURES!!!!!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Bad Day
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I'm kinda pissed at life right now...........if you couldn't tell. AND while i'm venting you know what i HATE? I hate it when people call you because of whatever reason (hang out/date/bug you about stupid group projects/etc) and after they say bye they say this:
"Ok we'll see ya!"
OK.....you will see WHO??? Pretty sure it's JUST me here!? What the crap? And "we" is just YOU. did I accidently call a business or something!?? Thanks for capitalizing on our relationship to get personal gain JERK.
Oh and I hate boys that wear skinnier pants than me.
And I hate the girl that lives above me that always plays DDR earrrrrly in the morning when I'm trying to sleep!
I HATE EVREYONE RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWW. Ok not everyone.....but UGH!!!!!!
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I'm kinda pissed at life right now...........if you couldn't tell. AND while i'm venting you know what i HATE? I hate it when people call you because of whatever reason (hang out/date/bug you about stupid group projects/etc) and after they say bye they say this:
"Ok we'll see ya!"
OK.....you will see WHO??? Pretty sure it's JUST me here!? What the crap? And "we" is just YOU. did I accidently call a business or something!?? Thanks for capitalizing on our relationship to get personal gain JERK.
Oh and I hate boys that wear skinnier pants than me.
And I hate the girl that lives above me that always plays DDR earrrrrly in the morning when I'm trying to sleep!
I HATE EVREYONE RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWW. Ok not everyone.....but UGH!!!!!!
What's this!?
So I've taken a pretty recent over-obsession with YouTube Videos. I have tons of favorites but here's one that just makes me smile :)
"WHAT'S THIS???" I love the puppet too....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1Cy09VFETg
I NEED MORE YOUTUBE......post your fave video please!!!!
"WHAT'S THIS???" I love the puppet too....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1Cy09VFETg
I NEED MORE YOUTUBE......post your fave video please!!!!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Hunger Games
I am shafting my homework for THIS:
I'm so stoked! My life is so happy right now! i eat soo well! I go out with friends i love! I exercise. I sleep. I dance. I practice my craft and I am beginning to love it again! I have cut the nast out of my life. I pray, I sing, i laugh, i love, and I READ!
B's get degrees, but women who go crazy from too much stressing over school and not enough lovin to their soul DON'T.
Wish me luck. Hope I pass the semester.
I'm so stoked! My life is so happy right now! i eat soo well! I go out with friends i love! I exercise. I sleep. I dance. I practice my craft and I am beginning to love it again! I have cut the nast out of my life. I pray, I sing, i laugh, i love, and I READ!
B's get degrees, but women who go crazy from too much stressing over school and not enough lovin to their soul DON'T.
Wish me luck. Hope I pass the semester.
Holy sloth.....
So i'd like to apologize for my blog being so boring lately. To make up for that, here is a picture.....
according to my sister.... "Sloths are the big thing right now" Well, here's a picture of an adorable/creepy sloth depending on who you are.
Whatevs....hopefully you are entertained enough by this to keep reading my blog.
And here's my new favorite Youtube video!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty62YzGryU4
Hahahaha!
according to my sister.... "Sloths are the big thing right now" Well, here's a picture of an adorable/creepy sloth depending on who you are.
Whatevs....hopefully you are entertained enough by this to keep reading my blog.
And here's my new favorite Youtube video!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty62YzGryU4
Hahahaha!
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