graduation

Today I am packing my things to move to a new place, so I need some good blogging to distract me from packing! The best part is I feel like I'm about to get a new start! And this is my last night here in my little room at this complex. I'll miss this room. It's been a challenging year in my life to be honest, but I needed all of it. I have a million things going on that I need to blog about. Oh don't worry, those are DEFINITELY coming. Finals are over! Its summer break and I'm about to have ALOT of time on my hands :) But right now I want to talk about graduation.

Today I went to campus to turn in a few last minute things (aka my very very late work that I am praying my teachers accept because I am a SLACKER) and I saw people everywhere in caps and gowns. I'll admit-it was a little hard. Sometimes its hard for me to understand why I'm not graduated; why I have been in school as long as I have, and still do not have a bachelors degree to show for it. Some of the kids that I started with my freshman year already have Masters degrees too! And then while I was walking around looking at all the students in their gowns, and the parents beaming at their children and carrying flowers, I started thinking that If I had never left, that would have been me. I would have graduated as planned in the Winter of 2009 and I would be on to a different very life; a life that is a-lot more grown up than the one I have now. It felt weird. And then I realized that that life would erase alot of the good things in my life that are very dear to me, like: my mission, my ability to speak Chinese, my spirituality and Faith, all of the life experiences I have had since then-the unforgettable and the difficult ones alike, the chance to be at BYU with both of my siblings, and all of the friends that Heavenly Father led me to that I love so very much. I can't always answer all of the questions as to why I am still here. I don't know why God made me go on a misson sometimes. I don't know why I had to prolong graduation an extra 2 semesters to study Mandarin. I don't know why I am studing a Major that takes 5 years to complete and doesn't pay much more than $40,000 a year at best. I just don't know. I don't know every single little thing about my life. But I know that it will work out, and that it will be great. I know that I am doing the right thing right now. And I am happy, even if I am still here living the good old college life. I mean hey, my mom did always tell me "whats the rush to work Emily. You have your whole life for that!" I think you're right mom. And through it all I feel so lucky and so blessed to have the life that I do. Thats how I know its right.

If you want to hear about moving adventures, graduation parties, finals, and deep soul moments over text, check back in the next few days :D

-emily

♫ Kael Alden - Where You Belong

my brain has turned to mush. But I LOVE this.

This is what I look like right now.

SCARY. To study or not to study.....that is the question. this mess is ridiculous. Those tired bags under my eyes; That sallow complection: All from lack of sleep due to SCHOOL. And don't even get me started on how long its been since i put on my make up or even brushed my hair before I went to class/work. It's time for a vacation! A very very LONG vacation. I'm beasting through a form and analysis project and a chinese final. Lets see how many hundreds of characters I can remember!!! YAY! Sometimes learning Chinese just SUCKS. But a jedi's gotta do what a jedi's gotta do.

Total Domination-this is happening.

If my life were a movie, this week would be the climax. The last 3 months have been leading up to this point. Its all on this week: I gotta pass finals. then I'm free! My last full semester on campus will be OVER! This some came on today. Its time to dominate, and then on to the good life!!!!

Insomnia

So lately my body came up with this great idea to wake me up at 5:30a every morning so we can get stuff done. Even on Saturday and Sunday, the only days I can sleep in. GREAT IDEA BODY!!!! Lets get up early to do all the stuff I feel guilty about not doing yet!!!! Except that after not completing assignments and emailing people back for so long, it turns into this ball of guilt inside of me. So I procrastinate further in order to avoid said guilt cause who wants to deal with THAT, which results in procrastinating even further and wasting lots and lots of time on the internet. This gets me to the point where my guilt for not doing stuff becomes so huge and overwhelming that it is a responsibility in and of itself just to carry that around all the time! And takes up most of my capacity to be productive. This makes the guilt and stress bigger and bigger, which leads me to avoid it further and further and just keep surfing the internet because that is ALL THAT I CAN HANDLE!!!!!! This post says it all people. Just like this girl, I too bought groceries today as a feeble attempt to seem like a legitimate adult. Luckily with my recital out of the way, I can get some knots out of my stomach and relax a little more :)

Fish

Among all my 'friend'-imonys lately, let me take a second to blog about someone that I absolutely love. Her name is Laura. Laura Masterson actually. Meet little sister! In our family we like to call her "fish". Its been her nick name for as long as I can remember and it came from some pokemon we used to call her named warfish that got changed to 'lor'fish....and then shortened to just fish. And it stuck. Little sis just cut all of her hair off and donated it to charity-which is what makes me want to blog about her. Even though my sister and I are very different, we have always been very close and I just love her to PIECES!!!

When I was in high school and had to work late nights on my roller skates at sonic, I would come home to little crayon colored notes on the door of my room from her saying "welcome home" with roller-skates drawn on the front. She comes to all my concerts and recitals and tells me her favorite songs. Ever since I can remember, she has always supported me. I can't describe it but being a big sister comes with huge responsibility. I will always feel that it is my duty to protect and look out for her! I have always told laura that if she ever got cancer and had to lose her hair, I would shave my head too and we would get wigs together! Haha now THATs love. And I really would do that for her.

Now-I really hope we don't get cancer lol. But My sister has gone through alot in her life. And she is unbelievably talented! You should see this girl draw a dino! REMARKABLE! And she is quite the actress let me tell ya! She has become SO strong throughout her life, and has always been a person of upstanding integrity, and charity (As evidenced by donating all of her gorgeous hair to locks of love!) She would do anything for a friend or for one of us. I am so proud of who she is and I couldn't imagine not having a little sister. She's the greatest.

Weightless

OK just one more song before I go off to work on my composition for Choral Arranging. The final arrangement is due tomorrow and I'm writing a version of a song I learned in girl scouts when I was 12 or 13. We used to sing this particular song around the camp fire and its stuck with me up until now. I'm writing it into an african spiritual for 4 part choir complete with African Djumbe. We get to perform the piece next week during our final class period and let me just say that I am very proud of what I have written so far, and might actually use this piece when I am legit teacher. I will post a recording as soon as I have one!

NOW for the video: I know I just posted a song but I'm kind of obsessed with music lately....which isn't exactly a bad thing. Today I was running some errands and this song came on my Ipod. Considering the piles of stuff that I have to get done in the next 4 days (and in the next 2 weeks -_-), I was feeling a bit heavy with the responsibility of everything pushing down on me. but THEN this song came on and I felt things start to lift. I really felt lighter, almost weightless even. Funny how a song can effect you that way. I just love music. Good thing I teach it! ;)

Honey just remember-you are 32 flavors and then some.

This has been one of my favorite songs for a long time. I love Ani DiFranco's voice and the lyrics to this song just really stick with me. Probably because people in this world will try to tear you down. They will try to criticize who you are, or maybe even just make you feel bad about yourself unintentionally. But it doesn't matter. Because we are great. Every single person that is reading this. We are unique, and sometimes ignorant people can't see that. We will rise up from the ash of criticism and cynicism to maintain the integrity of who we are. You are better than 32 flavors. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I think I get this point of view from my father. He always taught me to stick up for myself, and believe in my self. He taught me to be strong and independent. This song personifies that to me. Take a listen.

Emily {e-mi-lee} N.

This is the name that my mother gave me. And do you want to know that sometimes i do not feel like an Emily? Lots of people-when they forget my name, they call me Ashley. I really look like an Ashley. But luckily my mom did not name me that because I am not too fond of Ashleys usually. I've never had one close friend named Ashley, which is really saying something considering the popularity of the name. I can't even think of one person right now named Ashley that will read this blog, so it's ok if I say that. But do you ever search your own name in like google or something? I did that today while I was procrastinating and this is what I found.

The name Emily has the following meaning:

"One who is hardworking and industrious. This name has topped the US top 1000 charts in recent years. Extremely popular."

I couldn't agree more. I am DEF hardworking considering all the facebook stalking and blogging I do every day! WHEW. Its hard to be me LET ME TELL YA. And I could be considered industrious. I sell things on ebay sometimes.

Ok with the jest out of the way, I actually do consider myself a very hardworking person. Sometimes too hardworking to be honest. Which is why I cannot understand why I keep desecrating my name, which is 'extremely popular' by the way, because I cannot just get over my senioritis when i'm not even graduating yet, and get my stuff DONE. Tonight I was working on some Chinese homework that was due two weeks ago. I have to sing in a recital on saturday. I haven't practiced since Thursday. I forgot to register for my block class before the deadline passed, and now it is up against a review board to see if they will consider letting me add it or not. I lose my cell phone at least twice a week. And I often show up to work 5 min late because I wake up late and throw my clothes on before taking one quick glance in the mirror. BYE BYE diligence, good grooming, and punctuality.

"Emily is currently a popular baby name, with a recent overall USA popularity ranking of 1 out of 1000 (source: 2000s U.S. Census)"

According to this site, one out of every 1,000 people in the US is named Emily. Or something like that. That means that out of the 32,000 students at BYU, there should only be 32 Emily's.

Yes I did look this up. When the name "Emily" is searched in the BYU directory, 16 pages come up. Each page has 30 people on it except for the last. I got out my calculator cause numbers hurt my brain and figured out that there are 466 Emilys total here at BYU (467 If you include Emileigh, who is the only Emileigh at this school BTW-lucky). HOLY guacamole everyone and their MOM has this name! I think this might be the most popular name at this whole school, even compared to Ashleys (a mere 336). Now, I guess this is BYU. So at least someone has to be hardworking and industrious, and its not me! So I've got 466 other people out there pullin' the weight for me :) good work girls.

But seriously sometimes I don't know how I feel about how common my name is. And weirdly enough, when I look at the mirror, I don't feel like an Emily. I don't see it. Not that I don't like it. I mean its cute! Its fresh and has that nice sing song quality to it. Like triplets (the notes, not children). I don't know why some days I think I should have been named Summer. Or Claire. But definitely not Jessica because I don't like common names and I just searched that one and there are 570! Whew ok Emilys are still somewhat original. Bottom line: I am not naming my child after me. That makes it sound like I already have a child....i mean my unborn non existent child that is in heaven waiting for me to suck it up and get hitched and make some babies. I want him/her to have a good strong, original name. Like Rainbow or Strawberry or Hermione or something. I dunno just something cool. Maybe i'll name all of my children after Harry Potter Characters!! YES! I like this idea already. and now it is late and I am rambling.

Peace!

em

Change

This weekend over conference I was pumped with SO many insights and thoughts about my life that it was both gloriously invigorating AND a little bit overwhelming. Last night before I fell asleep I was trying to sort all of the thoughts in to little categories and concrete spaces in my head so they wouldn't be swirling around so quickly and making a mess in there. And the one word that i could use to make sense of it all was CHANGE. I am thankful for the gospel and religion in my life because it motivates me to change. And I have a huge long list of things that I need to change in my life after yesterday. I'm hoping to make that list shorter and shorter in the coming month as i work on the things that I need to do better at LIKE provident living, being faith filled, sharing the gospel, working towards getting married (lets save that discussion for another day lol), and just being a more charitable person in general. I know that there are so SO many things that I need to be better at, but sometimes when you are at the bottom of a mountain looking up, it seems so impossible to start climbing towards the top. But conference gave me some motivation and some specific ideas of things that I need to start doing NOW. And that's the beautiful thing about the gospel; that being religious is not just an idea. It is in the little things that we DO day in and day out like reading scriptures and remembering to pray. These things help me to become a person that portrays the Savior. Sometimes it hurts a little bit to have to change. It is difficult to say "i'm not going to do that anymore" even though i want to do things I shouldn't. Just like that one talk by Elder Oaks about desire says, we start with a desire. And I DO have desire, but sometimes I let my natural man get the best of me. I just need to tell myself that my desire to read my scriptures every day can over-ride my natural instincts to asleep :P YES! I can do that. And my desire to be a more charitable person can over-ride my temptation to judge others. Bottom line, there are things that I can and will change because of this conference. And I just love our church so much because it helps me to be better. I hope that I can be a person that helps others and always uplifts the people I love!! And not by what I say, but just from the spirit that lies within me, and by the person that I am trying to become. I hope to have more love in my self so that I can touch hearts. Because SO many people in my life inspire me and help me just by being who they are: examples of faith and selflessness. Its time for some changes.

Oh ingrid.....i'm a fan :)

Before I sit down and listen to conference, I want to give you a listen from my ipod.....

I love all kinds of music. Really. All kinds. You can find Mozart's Don Giovanni (that's an opera) Right next to my alternative music and show tunes on my ipod. And of course I love my girl Ingrid Michaelson! She's a personal fave because her music is so chill and she is so talented. And sometimes i just need to take a step back from my crazy life and remember the good things. This song is one of my favorites, and it's not as well known so of course its not on myplaylist.com. But it is probably my favorite song of hers. My best friend and I used to listen to this song all the time on one of our soul CD's and it really feels like it belongs in this warm weather singin' it with someone you love!