my favorite

I can be this woman.....i am this woman. And my eyes are watching GOD.

Though GOD is everywhere present, yet He is only present to thee in the deepest and most central part of thy soul. The natural senses cannot possess God or unite thee to Him; nay, thhy inward faculties of understanding, will and memory can only reach after God, but cannnot be the place of his habitation in thee. But there is a root or depth of thee from whence all these faculties come forth, as lines from a centre or as branches from the body of the tree. This depth is called the centre, the fund or bottom of the soul. This depth is the unity, the eternity--I had almost said the infinity--of thy soul; for it is so infiniate that nothing can satisfy it or give it rest but the infinity of God." --William Law

10 things

The 10 things on my mind right now:

1. Words are starting to flow through me and align my thoughts. i have a new love of these words....thanks to lyndsi shea.

2. There is a bug bite on my face....oww.

3. my friend steph has a little dog named shadow and i love him :)

4. college is starting....without me. wierd.

5. my abby is with me again! she brings a lime green tinge to my life!

6. God is everywhere and in all things. I can feel him.

7. i love the prove, and the boys in it. why do boys have to be so awesome!?

8. my fave bracelet is on the wrist of a rockin woman.....and now she is rockin and glam.

9. i really miss laura aka fish. wish she was here so i could sleep on the floor again

10. i have no food but i am full. there better be a campfire soon with some smores....thats all i have to say.

choice

I believe in freedom of choice. In our religion we do not accept things such as gay marraige or abortion, and i support this. However, how often does a gay person come up to a straight person and ask "Do you accept my gayness?" No...they do not. they dont care if we as individuals give credit to their sexuality. They just want to be collectively accepted for who they are and what they believe...as do i. And even though those beliefs are different than mine, i can respect that. Agreement and acceptance are completely different. I think people should be free to make wrong choices just like i am free to try to make right ones.

Marriage and Union are two separate things. Union is when the government accepts the couple for tax and legal reasons, and marriage is when God does. Who is to say what God accepts other than Him? Let people get married, gay, straight, stupid, smart, fat, skinny, and let God decide whose union is valid in his eyes.

hello world

Take the wave now and know that you're free

turn your back on the land, face the sea.

Face the wind now so wild and so strong

when you think of me, wave to me and send me a song.

Dont look back when you reach the new shore.

Dont forget what you're leaving before.

Dont forget when you're missing me so

Love must never hold tight but let go.

Here i am world. Hold me, hurt me, love me, beat me. Mock me, pierce me. Miss me, see me. I will rise up against the odds. For i am woman.....and i am strong.

words from the revolution

Today Debra sent us a letter. The words spilled from my mind onto the paper. "money and material things are worth nothing to me". We are changed by our humanity. or does humanity change us? faith moves through me with harmonies that vibrate with my heart. It alters my chemical makeup and fills the dark and dismal void within me. My DNA is riving and stretching as my ocean turns the black abyss into gold. I lie on the slab of my life-take me humanity and do your bidding. My cold slab is warmed by my pounding heart. it beats not for one, but for many.

Here's to self expression

My soul is an ocean. The edges of it lap longingly against the soft sand, wishing to spread further into the earth. When i step into it carefully, dipping my toes into the water, it is shallow and clear turquoise. Coral and abalone shells decorate its shores, giving it beauty and suggesting that i could walk across it ankle deep without sinking under. This shore is void of marine life, which leaves me hoping for more. More life and substance that comes from movement. As i continue to wade, the water becomes a richer shade of crystal blue and all of a sudden i am swimming, my head rising just above the surface, and i am surrounded by crashing waves, and pockets of warmth, and sea creatures of all colors, shapes and sizes. And i feel the sun lightly kissing my skin, and the melodic movement of the water soothing me into a trance like sleep. And i realize that this soul needs to be deep, but tucks the depth away for me to find should i choose to explore it. But my soul cannot hide its magnitude because without depth, it ceases to exist.
My ocean longs to be vulnerable so that it can embrace the storms of the sea and the hateful actions of humans that must surely come. But my ocean has trouble with this....it wants to suck its moisture down into the earth while the turmoil rages. But it can open itself and welcome the waves if it tries. My ocean is my self expression.. And some will mock it, some will hate it, and some will love it and respect it. But i feel an intense need to express myself, and this blog helps me do that. I write to express whats inside of me trying to get out. And opening my ocean to the void for anyone to read makes me vulnerable to scrutiny of the world. My life without risk is empty.

this is why we're hot

i have come across SOOOO many people who have gone on missions, and picked up random factoids and pieces of advice here and there. And let me tell you: sisters have a baaaad rap. Everyone thinks that they are frumpy, dont take care of themselves, go only because they arent married and probably never will be. They stay in their rooms during the mission and cry about how hard is, and never work. They even wear matching moo moo jumpers while tracting. hmmm.

i am going to venture out and say that this is true for a percentage of sisters. But for the rest of us, LIES!!! Amazing women can change the world too.

Sisters CAN be hot ok. This is a fact that can be proven with researchable data and some common sense.

Lets take a look at exhibit A:

All of these girls are friends who are either still on their mission, or recently got back. and there are many many more that i cant fit on here. I think i've made my point. 10 years ago folks, all of the women going on missions were comparable to tuna sandwiches. Sometimes you would get a grilled cheese thrown in there, but not so often. NOW: over three quaters of the mission is grilled cheese. and lets face it, everyone loves grilled cheese! I mean, its comforting to know that there are other grilled cheeses like me out there being cheesy and being loved by hungry civilians who need the gospels yummy goodness! because if everyone was a tuna sandwich, i dont know if i could handle it. Let me honest....i dont really like tuna at all. If i ate enough though, im sure i could learn to love it :)

i can do hard things

Sometimes our lives come to a fork in the road when we realize that we can either travel right-and stay on the foot path, or go left and forge our way through the fiery forest that stretches over the hills of life. The foot path gets you to the next town so that you can buy food and see friends and family. Its fairly long, and tiresome, but also brainless. You trod on with one foot in front of the other for miles and miles, with the same horizon in sight for days.
In the fiery forest you might come across jungle beasts, 10 legged tarantulas that try to eat your face, and swinging vines blocking your terrain. But At the top of that mountain is the most spectacular view that you have ever encountered. It fills your soul with light and warmth and goodness, and just makes you feel full. And you look back through the forest at what you've overcome and realize that you are stronger and wiser, and humbled at how small we are in this life, but how great in magnitude at the same time. Is it worth it?

I believe that my life is a novel. But what kind? Is it a romance....mmmm i think not thus far. A horror story? not likely. Mystery? Drama? short story? what about a self help? "My life: motivation to avoid impulsive decisions and just plain dumb mistakes" lol. Whatever literature i may be, i believe in foreshadowing. Its real, and its god's idea of irony in our lives.

6 Years earlier:

Im at temple square on vacation with my family. We would go on vacation to Utah.....so funny. We are walking around, going into all of the little historic houses, taking EVERY tour possible so that my step dad can ask more questions than you ever believed existed. In house #2 there is a beautiful sister with long dark hair from Colorado. I'm 16, and this tour is boring. Why do i need to know EVERY detail about this? I wont even remember tomorrow. and why.....
Sister with dark hair speaks:

"So....have you ever thought about going on a mission?"
is she talking to me???? ....
"Um, no. I dont think so."
"well i never wanted to either"
"...(hmm).....well what are you doing here?"
"I prayed about it. and eventually i felt so incredibly strongly that i needed to go, that i knew it was what God wanted me to do. So here i am, and its the most incredible thing i have ever done."
(hmmm again) "wow."

After london, my life changed. The best parts about the trip were the things that were free. Getting to know people and learning from them. Loving my roommates, teaching the young women. Meeting revolutionary individuals in italy who love life and devourer it as if they can never get enough. Money does not bring joy to my life. Things do not bring joy to my life. Pride does not bring joy to my life. People and service and the gospel do. I lived in a room with 11 other girls for 2 months with no dating, no cell phone, no computer, no car, and no alone time. And it was one of the happiest times of my life.

When i was 21 i thought about a mission....it crossed my mind. But I never wanted to give up dating and my cool clothes and my cell phone to go walk around and talk to people. But now...im getting it. The point of life and of joy. And while there the idea of a mission crossed my mind as amazing.
I come back....it keeps coming to my mind over and over and over. Wow....the thought of it is inspiring instead of just plain hard. I meet an amazing sister "its the best experience of my life." i meet another amazing sister: "i cringe at the thought of what i would be like if i hadnt gone." i meet another amazing sister: " i would give anything to go again.." What is happening.....my thoughts seem all jumbled with confusion. The mission keeps coming to my mind "you should go now....nothing is tying you to provo". WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!! leave provo? i must be mad. But i keep thinking about it, and praying about it, and thinking about it.

Im in sacrament meeting, and every single speaker starts to talk about how their mission. I"ts amazing; everyone should go; it changed my life." Im about to have a melt down when: a wave washes over me. I am encompassed with internal warmth but my brain is screaming:

You must go. and you must go now.

ummmm, say what? no....i cant do that. Did that happen? no, i dont think it did.
Then, for a whole week after that: "you have to go. you have to go. you have to go......."
I feel like tennis balls are bouncing off my brain.....NO. i am not doing this God. LEAVE ME ALONE.
"you have to go, you have to go, you have to go"
no i dont.
THEN: my life falls apart. everything falls through. And after a week of resisting, i accept my fate.

I am terrified, but i know this. I can do hard things. and i'll prove it.

hard questions

i hate it when people ask me hard questions. Like for example, not too long ago, someone asked me who i planned to vote for. Having few opinions about the candidates besides the fact that they all suck, i tried to save face:

"ummmmmmm......................idunnowhoareyouvotingfor?

yeah not so smart.

someone also recently asked me if i've ever been in love. Wow thats big. I mean, i feel like ive been in love. There are definitely people that i have loved. But thinking about it, im obviously not married or in a serious relationship. but ive been in love? what does love even mean?? If you love someone and you decide not to be with them, is that REALLY loving them? or is it just easy to fall in love with people that i shouldn't? because i know that in the end i cant have them, and i wont have to give my entire self. If you dont make yourself vulnerable enough to someone to give up everything for them just to be together, is that love or not? I mean, if the person was a worthy candidate of your love in the first place. Or can love be squashed as quickly as it sprung by judgements and annoyances such as "he likes salt and vinegar chips, and that is just repulsive! oh no....we like totally different food! HOW COULD WE EVER GET MARRIED!!!" I definitely have the desire to one day love the right person so fully, but im nervous. Ive always been nervous, lets face it. To me its like ripping out your heart and holding it in front of that person. Its palpating furiously in front of them, and they can either take it and cradle it with both hands, or hurl it against the nearby brick wall, only to erupt and slide to the floor still half beating. mangled beyond repair. Alot of this mentality is borne from where ive come from: by life and my background. In my mind, its so hard to envision one person spending the rest of their life loving another unconditionally because ive never seen it firsthand. logically I know there are good men out there who would love me and be a loving father to my children. But in my mind....would they REALLY love me forever? now im just over analyzing. like i said, i hate it when people ask me hard questions.

missing you

so ive decided that missing people really is one of the worst
feelings in the whole world. It doesnt even matter if it is a best friend, family member, or a loved one. That feeling when you just wish person X could be with you right at this moment, or for every moment, is like a persistant ache that wont go away even after you've rubbed a whole tube of icy hot on it. But its a necessary evil of
life in order to cherish the moments with those that are held close as treasures to us!
People must come in and out of our lives. some of them
tread lightly on our hearts, and some of them stampede thorugh, never to be seen again. Some leave gashes that feel like they might never be mended. But time heals all wounds of the human heart....eventually. I love this song because it personifies all of the strange things that we as people do in memory of those that are missed.

"trying to decide, trying to decide if i,
really wanna go out tonight.
i never use to go out without you,
i'm not sure i remember how to.
i'm gonna be late gonna be late but,
all my girls gonna have to wait cause,
i don't know if i like my outfit.
i tried everything in my closet.

nothing feels right when I'm not with you,
sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool,
trying to dress up when I'm missing you.
ima step out of this lingerie,
curl up in a ball with something Hanes.
in bed i lay, with nothing but your t-shirt on.
oh, with nothing but your t-shirt on."

hooking

So back when i was in kindergarten, a boy asked me to be his girlfriend, and we held hands after school. Then one day a different boy wanted to be my boyfriend, and WE held hands after school. Then when i was in third grade, this boy decided to notice me, and we danced the do-si-do in gym class. That is, until this chick with long blonde hair came along and STOLE him away during our 2 step. grr. When i was in 8th grade, the nerd at school decided that we were meant for each other, and wrote me poems that his buddies would toss at me during honors English. he even stooped so low as to bring me a teddy bear with a red heart clasped between its paws to school. But somehow i never even noticed that boys existed until i met Mr. Mojo....the beauty of the high school track team. This boy is the smoothest criminal i have ever met. Every B day after American history we would brush by each other on the way to class, and his 'whats up em' always made my cheeks burn red. Amy would walk with me, and had a paper bag at the ready for when i started to hyperventilate, or felt queasy from the nerves of seeing him. We chatted online, and would flirt like mad, even though i could barely croak out a 'hello' in person.

When i was seventeen, i got my first boyfriend. We met because he was going out with my friend from school, and we became instant best friends. Eventually they broke up, and to make a long story short, we kissed at the park in the parking lot because he was too scared to do it on the swingy bench where we would discuss our life's fears, aspirations, and annoyances. That day i had my first real kiss. The kind where the pit of your stomach drops and and feel all swirly like you might fall over.

Paige, my 14 year old surrogate sister from work, told me today that "back in the day" she kissed her 6th grade BOYFRIEND under the bleachers, and it was awesome.
My co worker asks, "ummmm, so what do kids do with their boyfriend IN 6th GRADE???"Well, im here here to remind you all. They probably had their parents take them to the mall and walk around so they could hold hands and look for other kids they know. maybe go to the movies; share a moment amidst the gummi bears and mountain dew. They might have gone to the school dance and swayed to Enrique iglesias. then they obviously snuck out under the bleachers for the anticipated/dreaded lip lock, until their braces got stuck together, and they had to call their parents to come and help them un-hook. That's how things like this go girls. If you kiss boys in the 6th grade, you will get stuck together...and die. So just don't do it.

the end. :)

she loves him, she loves him nnn.....she loves him

3 years ago my mom librarian received a gally copy of a book that she absolutely loved. She told me to read it, and i did. After loving Twilight, i tried to tell friends about it, but every time i tried it sounded so lame...

"its about this girl who falls in love with a vampire at school..and he wants to kill her but doesn't"

got alot of confused looks after this description. About a year later, i had several more people with which to dote on the book. Now: almost every LDS female has read it. Let me proudly proclaim that 3 years ago, Stephanie Meyer came to the SLC library, and i met her and she hand signed a copy of twilight for my mom. We even chatted it up! Sadly though, her last two books consisted of Bella talking over and over and over about Edward's marble body, and her burning love for him. She drives down the street...and s he loves him. she hangs out with Jacob, and she loves him. she goes to school, and she is STILL loving him and wanting to jump his marble bod. we need something new here.

See.. im not making this stuff up.

So i started breaking dawn, and im hoping for a pleasant surprise deviation from Stephanie's fluffy writing. Esp after i skipped 100 pages of The Host because they were in the freakin cave for fooooooorrrrreeeeeeeevvverrrrrrrrrrr. We'll see.

I know what you sayin

do you know white people who talk like this? Because i do. 

"what up lil g and all0you. im sure you be wonderin....wha did lil e do fo suppa lastnight? WELL....we done lit a fiah and be roastin them bad boys. thats right...foil dinnas. i brought my baby lil dave and shot up some rounds. we done killed it! esp lil e wit the 'powa stance' she got it goin on. i know what you thinkin....what kinda rappa name is dave? You know what im sayin?? YOU know what im sayin. dave be chill-you know it. playa please i know what i talkin bout! now a homeboy gots to bounce...playstation dont play i'self. 

word. "

word indeed. truer words were never spoken. 

make new friends but keep the old...

Today on the flight home to utah i met my 20 year counterpart female soul mate, and her name is Annette Moral.....like moral of the story. Or at least she tells me to help me remember her name. I met this gem of a lady when i finally found my way to my seat, after making the gate cut of the flight within 5 min. "cuttin it kind of close eh" warned the middle aged man that checked me in. He obviously doesn't know me very well. I simply thanked him profusely for letting e on (a talent i learned in Italy from mustlovetravel) batted my eyes, and made scintillating conversation while he checked my bags. I'm lucky he forgot to charge me the $15 that is now standard for one suitcase amidst the small talk! I hurried to my spot and sat at the wrong gate for going on 15 min before i realized that i was sitting at the gate NEXT TO the right gate, and was happily one of the last to board. Annette is a slender blonde, 6 foot woman with sparkling eyes. Soon after i sat down she had me talking about school, and my family, and my love life. I learned about all of her children who are my age, the battle she has with avoiding her intense younger sister, and her opinions on the changing economy and outrage at the lack of peanuts on the flight. We chatted the whole way, at at some points she had me giggling so hard that we were shushed by the lady in front of us. Annette is truly my 20 year counter part, and i wish i could marry her son so that we could be related lol.

After leaving the airport, i was picked up by twinkle fingers, one of my favorite people from london, if not one of the coolest people in the whole world! Have you ever had a friend that you can understand, and that can just understand you without saying a word? She and i can see each other once a day, or once a year, and it would be as if no time had passed. We rarely delve into our deepest emotions through words because we just understand, and we don't have to verbalize everything. That is what i love about twinkle fingers. She is so easy going and fun to spend time with. When we are together, we play. When we need to, we talk vent our frustrations. And best of all, our relationship has unspoken depth. I hope she knows that i heart her :)

hate

Heres to Heath ledger...the most beautiful joker i have ever seen

"I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive my car I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind

I hate you so much it makes me sick. it even makes me rhyme

I hate the way your always right; I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when youre not around and the fact that you didn't call

Mostly I hate the way I don't hate you... not even close

not even a little bit...not even at all"

-10 things I hate about you