2013

I'm going to admit something to you. I seriously hate looking at this blog. it needs a makeover so bad! But i've been too lazy (and too sick the past 3 days) to do anything about it. So maybe tomorrow i'll fix it.....don't hold your breath though. There's so many things on my list of TODOs, and only like a few days left of my winter break. crap.

Before I post my goals for 2014, which are many, I want to tell you some things that i've learned in 2013. It's been an interesting year to say the least. One of many lessons learned, laughs, tears, and some dissapointments and huge life goals achieved. I moved to California for one, which was a HUGE step forward for me. I finished my first year of real work experience, and moved on to a REAL job doing my craft in the place that I love. I bought my dream car, a 2013 Jeep patriot. I spent alot of time with a few people that are dear to me, and made alot of new friends. So I'd say i should be proud of myself. Well done Emily. Even though this year wasn't perfect, it was far from a flop.

I've learned:

You become the things you think about. 

To let go of people that aren't meant for me. 

Even if everyone tells you that you are crazy for trying to live your dreams, they are usually wrong. You won't know till you try. 

I will make myself happy first. Then i'll do what i'm able for others. 

I am worthy of being loved. 

I am beautiful and am just as good as the best of them. 

Hate and fear are not productive. Love is. 

You will bring your fears into existance by focusing on them. 

Change is good nor bad. It just is. 

It is a worth while cause to follow my bliss. 

Not all spirituality comes from a religious book. 

It's not all about money. 

Don't give more than you've got to lose. 

Nothing hits me like a day at the ocean. 

To fight for my needs and wants. My feelings ARE important. 

To have the courage to walk away when I feel i'm being undervalued. 

To love people unconditionally and freely as much as I am able.

To not push myself into things i'm not ready for. 

To be true to myself and not apologize for who I am. 

Less talking and less words are sometimes better. 


And there it is. So many lessons i have taken away from this year. It has been a good one and a hard one. And lets just say, 2014 you better deliver. I'm expecting the best year yet.

The Monkey Mind

I feel strange posting on this blog. It feels sort of like an out of body experience. Like this blog doens't really belong to me. I look at it and I see so many old pieces of me here. No new pieces of me. Those are still being found.

I'm here because I am on a new journey. I am here seeking refuge and insight about myself. Chances are that no one even reads this blog anymore. Even if they are, i'm not writing for them. I am writing for me. I'm here to find myself.

For I am lost in a state of monkey mind. I'ver recently learned to mediate. I'm not great at it but I am doing it. Mediation happens when you let everything go blank. You let your muscles droop and lose life. You let your body hang lose and relax. You breathe deeply in and out, in and out calmly. You soften and clear your mind. To relax your muscles you tighten each muscle group at a time, then release from your head to your toes. And after you are completely relaxed you let your mind settle and clear. It is in this state that you enter the monkey mind.

In the state of the monkey mind a series of memories and images will flash across your mind. Each one is different and unique. It is in the state of the monkey mind that you can begin to reach what is really hidden within one's own mind. With each memory that flashes you neither judge it nor reject it, but notice and acknowledge it before it moves along.

In the monkey mind I will find myself. In this hypnotic state I find hidden crevices inside myself and I search for the blockage that resides within me.  I am on a journey to find my tribe and my people.

Kelly Knows

I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Payphone - Maroon 5 (Jayesslee Cover)

Ya know, I wouldn't call this the best, but it sure did calm my little heart tonight. :) My lonely little indie heart.

Trick or treat!!

In one hour it will be October 31st people. That means only one thing.....

HALLOWEEN.

It's happening tomorrow! This is notably my favorite day of the entire year. It is literally the only day of the year where you get to dress up, stuff your face with candy, go to dance parties, get scared, and hang out with all of your friends. Not to mention that I have an obsession with mysteries, scifi, and all things supernatural. :D WHAT MORE COULD A GIRL ASK FOR! So if you think halloween is only for kids, you are a lamo.

This is a running list of all the things i've already done to celebrate this year.

1. little red riding hood costume. This year is a first and i'm lovin it.
2. corn maze
3. Saw a somewhat scary movie (House at the end of the street was pretty good....but not the scariest you could see.
4. Carved a pumpkin. I named him voldie cause his nose is 2 slits. See FBeezy for pics!
5. Haunted houseeeee!
6. Haunted ranch with the peeps and Ghostbusters :)
7. Church Carnival
8. Decorated the door for the trick or treaters!
9. Themed halloween party next weekend at my friends house. Can't wait!
10. I've eaten all of the items made of pumpkin that I can possibly think of this week in anticipation.


Halloween Bucket list:
1. Rad rockin halloween costume dance party
2. Throw a themed party one day when I'm a real established respectible adult
3. Make the front entrance of our house into a haunted house and scare kids for candy
4. Go to the graveyard at midnight.
5. Dallas Oak Lawn Halloween bash.

Needless to say i'll be living it up tomorrow handing out candy at my house. Trick or Treat!!

Just some thoughts.

Let me tell you some things that have been on my mind......

1. It feels good to wake up out of a 2 year long figurative coma. 

2. I really really want Mitt Romney to win. 

3. Sometimes lately I get that feeling in my chest like I can't breathe. 

4. When things aren't going to great in the relationship department, thats when you step back and take time to work on yourself. And it feels sooo good. 

5. I need forgiveness in my life to scrape a black pile of resentment out of the pit of my stomach. Because it's just sitting there making me sick. 

6. I love and will always love Ingrid Michaelson and Dashboard Confessional. 

7. I pledge to never again be someone that I am not. 

Today my friend Katie called. She is a fiesty southern belle of mine that lives far away on the east coast, and we have talked on the phone and kept in touch for years. I have only met Katie twice, but I feel like she's one of my very best friends. The first time we met was when I drove to her little house in Knoxville TN to visit her for a week. Long story, but it was totally worth it. She told me 'Em, you don't deserve to take Sh*t from people that don't appreciate you. If they don't get you, leave 'em in the dust.' um  YES.

That was probably the best part of my day. Teaching today was tough. Screaming children. Glue on someone's head. Don't ask. But along with my day job i've been giving an opportunity. 

My friend works at Anthropologie as the general manager, and she offored me a job seasonally as a sales associate. I drove up there today in a rush because I had to come home after work and change so that I could 'look the part'. Eyelet lace dress with a denim jean jacket, and mid calf boots. It was a pretty good interview outfit if I do say so myself. I got stuck in traffic on the way in the mixmaster in Dallas, and I had that feeling like I couldn't breathe again. Until finally I arrived and walked into the store, and I really did feel like all of my worries just dropped to the floor. I felt calm and something about the clothing and home items in that store makes me feel peaceful. They play music that sounds like imogen heap and I heard one of my Ingrid songs play while I was waiting on the couch for my interview. 

The girl asked me questions like 'what inspires you' and 'what good things are happening in your life right now'. She also asked me who my icons and idols are, and why I love Anthropologie. And I felt very calm and awake, in an out of body sort of way. I got the feeling like I was at home. And I realized that I need a zen space in my life to focus on the things that inspire me as a person individually. Needless to say I got the job! And what I value more than the Xx% discount is the chance that I have to learn about the fashions and styles that come from Anthropologie; a store that is inspired by world culture and trends. Now that's something that I'm very passionate about. 

Before my mission I used to read this book called 'Writing Down the Bones'. A good friend recommended it to me, and it's all about how to put your soul down on paper and express yourself through writing. Onetime while I was living here before my mission I walked down the street to the gazebo on the lake and sat there at dusk. I wrote all of my thoughts and feelings down in one continuous stream onto the paper. One of the artist's suggestions is that you don't have to write from top to bottom on the paper. you can write anyway that you want! in circles, swirls, bottom to top. And going against the grain really lets the things in your heart that are trapped in there without an anchor come out. And lord knows I have a slew of those. 

Even though the lyrics are cheesy, they are true.

angistin' my face off.

Somehow I feel that something big is coming..........

Thanks to my pal Ingrid......

Ingrid Michaelson that is! I've listened to Ingrid for the better part of 4 years now (minus 1.5 for a mission). And ya know, I'm a person that loves all kind of music. Everything from classical to hard rock, hip hop and punk, and even some screaming. I LOVE my angsty emo music, and I love R&B like Usher and Chris Brown. So some might call me boring for making Ingrid a staple. But I honestly don't care. Because she has taught me something that really no other artist has, and isn't that the point of music: to feel something? 

I love Ingrid for her uninhibited honest lyrics. She says things that, to be honest, the rest of us are often afraid to say or admit. I found this gem on youtube one time after hearing it on a TV show, and I loved it. And tonight the first thing I could think of to write about was this song.

Something has happened recently in the life of a loved one to remind me who precious a gift our human relationships are, and how fragile they can be.

Sometimes I go for drives and think about things in my life. I listen to Ingrid, or Dashboard, or something that can help me loosen up and let everything real slow and easy. And I am the kind of person that has a mess for a mind. It seriously feels like an art studio in there. Everything is all jumbled up and swirling on top of itself like paint on a canvas. When I drive, I have to take everything out, and organize it into labed boxes. Some of them sealed up tight; some of them easily accessable with labels. All contain my thoughts and feelings. The sealed ones protect me from open wounds, while the others just need a place to rest. Well tonight was one of those nights I went in, and pulled one of those boxes off the dusty shelf, and sealed another one up. Sometimes its just good and healthy to angst. 

Love is something that when you find it, you grab on and you don't let go. Whether its romantic love, the love of a beloved friend, the unbreakable love of family, or the passion of a career or hobby. I see people all the time that have it and just throw it away. A misunderstanding happens, or people just drift apart and don't do anything about it. They give passion in their hearts over to the mundane disappointments of daily life. Or people just decide to stop loving each other because that's easier. And everytime I see it I just want to scream: YOU MORON. I learned a looong time ago when dad walked out that door, that when you have something special in your life, you fight for it. And you never give up.

There is a certain man in my life that I loved. I don't talk about him, or this experience really hardly ever because it's so personal. And none of you would know exactly who I'm talking about. But this person was, and continues to be, a person that was very pivotal in my life. He was someone who loved me unconditionally, and blindly. He changed the way I see the world. And we definitely had some bumps. There were days that he did things that annoyed me. And at the end of the day, I didn't know how to work through the things that bothered me. I didn't know how to communicate. I couldn't face the depth of what I was feeling. So I let him go. And he kept in touch with me for years, clinging to any chance for us. And it was definitely hard for me too. But   then I didn't see any other option because I was young and stupid. And you want to know what?........

That is one of my greatest regrets of my life. That is incredibly hard to admit. So this is what I've learned. When you love someone, you should tell them. You should show them. You should be there for them and cherish them fearlessly, even if it doesn't always seem reciprocated in the way that you want. I'm over pretending like I don't care about people that I do. Because that's who I am. And luckily Ingrid gets that too.

Best not cross this mess.

So It has just come to my attention that my blog has over 8,415 hits in the total history of its being created. Now call me crazy, but I honestly didn't think anyone even read this thing. I'm seriously shocked. And on that note, I want to say thank you to whoever does read about my life and my thoughts.

You won't see a ton of instagram pictures from me, or stuff about cooking or working out. Although I do have a hard core goal to work out starting NOW. I also don't typically post about my clothes or stuff that I want. I write about what's in my mind and in my heart, and if you know me at all, you know that that is very fitting of me.

Today was my first day of school! I'm an assistant at 4 different middle schools. and I started off the week at middle school #1 with Mr. Jon Doe (name changed cause...ya know). I saw him in the parking lot when I was walking in, and i'll admit I wondered who the heck this guy was. Nerdy glasses and suspenders with a fauxhawk of curls with a little gold streak down the back. Then I walked into class and he was Choir man! And we had a great time today getting to know 100+ middle school kids. Who knew that song 'Scotlands Burning' we learned in Sister Kenny's elementary music class could have kids laughing so much and having so much fun. Feels good to have learned something in all those years of college. And my students are so hilarious...most of their names I could barely pronounce embarrassingly enough. (I really need to learn Spanish yo)

Ya know this move back to Texas has been both really exciting and hard at the same time. When my life got uprooted in less than 2 weeks, esp when I said I would NEVER move home, and in the opposite direction of the place that my heart is telling me i'm going to end up, It can be a challenge. Some days I just think, what the crap am I doing! But I know that this is the right choice for me, even though its the unexpected one. It feels really good to be doing something with my life that I actually had to work for. It feels really good to have a career, and living at home ain't bad either. Mom makes me dinner and asks how my day was, and you sure can't beat the price of the rent!

I'll admit something to you secretly, since you are die hard enough to have continued reading for this long lol. I've struggled with something for the past year. After my mission I got so wrapped up in school and my Provo friends and my long term goals, that I haven't taken a good hard look at me for a long time. One of my good friends once said "Being true to yourself is often hard to do. And you will often find yourself standing alone." I haven't been being as true to myself as I want to be. Right before my mission I was the best version of myself that I've ever been. I was confident and organized and happy. and it really showed. I worked out every single week without fail. And I did that because it was a goal I had for myself. I was in a musical outside of school just because I wanted to be. I wrote on my blog all the time because I loved it. And I didn't give any of that up just because a friend called or because some hottie wanted to go on a date. I owned my life and did what I needed to take pride in myself be successful. And somewhere along the last year, I'll admit I lost some of that. I relied on my friends and other people for my happiness instead of just looking inside of myself. The good news is, I never stopped relying on God. And that's why I'm still on solid ground.

Now, It feels awesome to be working towards my career goals. And there isn't anyone who can tell me that I don't have what it takes to be the most amazing choir teacher there is. I am beautiful, and strong, and creative, and a great friend. I am wise and talented, and I care about my students and people in general more than anyone that I know. Why I haven't been believing all those things about myself lately I have no idea. I don't need someone to tell me how great I am to believe it. So this is my declaration. I will conquer the world. And I will do it one day at a time. Best not cross this mess.

Tomorrow's the day

So tomorrow I become a legit full time paid teacher. I'm kinda nervous. Mostly really excited and overwhelmed. I assist 4 different middle school choir programs so the last few days have just been a whirl of meeting with directors and looking at music and picking out my first legit teacher outfit. That was a tough part.

Sooooo First day of school: Things I SHOULD be doing:

Practicing music
making lesson plans
picking out 10 items that describe myself
singing to get my voice out of this funk its been in all summer
Buying music stickie notes and other cutesie crap for my desk (all my directors are over achievers and decorate to the max and have color coded binders and adorable music stuff on their desks. Meh i'm lazy)
Exercising. Yeah THAT needs to happen ASAP.

What I'm ACTUALLY doing:

Watching Pretty little liars, a dumb show that you should never get addicted to.
napping
talking on the phone for 3 hours catching up with some of my favorite people!!
eating cookies....and sneaking the raw dough straight from the bowl. I live on the edge.
Facebooking.....or facebook stalking all the new friends I made at church today. whatever you call it.
napping
thinking about doing productive things.

So there you have the truth. Tomorrow will be all business, I promise :)

On that note, here's a few of my goals for this upcoming week.

Organize my lesson plans and music
Clean up and organize all my stuff (since I just moved)
Exercise 3X this week. Like legit hardcore reak of sweat afterwards work outs
drink 3 bottles of water a day.
Get to bed by 10:30 every night (already failed for today oops)
Reach out to people so I can make some new friends :)
Write on this blog a few times
Tell my mom how much she rocks for being amazing and letting me live here/making me an amazing dinner and putting up with me talking loudly on the phone for awhile.
Try my best to learn my students' names the first time they meet me.

So there ya go. More info on life to come soon.

Love,

E

movin' on (it's long, just so ya know)

Today is an interesting day.

Why you might ask? Well. Today I finally woke up and faced the fact that my life is different. If you know me, you know that I don't struggle with a change in scenery. I can't remember the last time I lived in one place for a full year. I love to travel. And I love to make new friends. I often find ways to be in a new place just so I can have a fresh start with a new perspective.

3 weeks ago I was living in Provo, living my usual provo life. I had a job working for an international college recruitment company. I made 35 phone calls a day to set up appointments with the VP's of recruitment with our sales guys. Talk about tedious. I graduated college back in April only to find that music teaching jobs in Utah are very very hard to come by, especially when 13 people graduated in Music Ed this year just from BYU alone. So I accepted the fact that I wouldn't be teaching this year, and found another job.....making phone calls. yay haha.

But for almost a year there has been this inner struggle in me, pushing me away from Utah. Since January I have had this rumble in my heart like big change was coming. I knew Utah wouldn't be my place for too terribly much longer. This part I was ok with. But bigger than that, I knew that the people in my life that i've been closest to for awhile, would not be so close. And here is where my struggles come. I really struggle to say goodbye. Always have, always will. So much that God had to start in JANURARY preparing my heart to say goodbye to certain people.

3 weeks ago I sat in my room missing work due to being sick. And one day I woke up and I realized that I had no idea what I was doing with my life. I realized that my housing contract was up in less than 3 weeks and I had no place to live. I realized that was not fulfilled with my job. And I knew that I couldn't stay in Provo. I couldn't sign a lease anywhere permenant. I wanted to teach or work with kids but I wasn't doing it! Urgh. Talk about a serious freak out.

And the product of that freak out was a music teaching job that happend to fall into my lap in Irving, TX. My hometown. It was so coincidental that this job would find me, that I knew it was meant to be. And I just packed up everthing, and my mom and I drove the 2 day trek back to Texas. With all of my crap packed up in trash bags and shoe boxes in the back of my car. There's something liberating about having everything you own in the back seat.

All of this has been kind of a whirlwind, and I feel so good about it. But today I almost cracked. Out of all of the people I have had to say goodbye to, a few of them have literally almost broken my heart. And I guess that's why i'm writing.

Today my sister left to go back home. Her and Alex both live(d) with me in Provo, and Laura had planned to come here for the 2 week break for a visit since before we knew that I would be moving back. Since Christmas I've been making a legit effort to see Laura more and spend more time with her. Sisters do as sisters should! And we've had some awesome moments together. She honestly has been there for me when no one else was. And it was soo good to come home to Texas with her here. But today she left for the airport, and both of us were struggling to keep it together. I'll admit i'm really sad that I won't live in the same town as her anymore, and that I can't see her whenever I want. I regret not taking advantage of that as much as I could in the beginning. But i'm so glad i've gotten to spend so muhc time with her. And for any of you that have a sister, you know how priceless that relationship can be. She is the best sister in the entire world and I know that I will always have her in my life. It's just hard to see people you love so much go!!

Among ALL of the other people that I have had to say goodbye to in the last 2 weeks (which are SO many...ugh I hate goodbyes lol), there is one other person that was one of the hardest to say bye to. She's my sister too. A sister in my heart. My best friend Emileigh has been there for me through almost everything for the past 2 years. We met in a random club at school that both of us hated being in, and became best friends dispite ridiculous odds. In a normal world, two people as different as us wouldn't even have any business being friends. But this girl is not like anyone else that I have known. She is someone who understands me, and has been there for me through happy and dark times. I have so many priceless and hilarious memories with her that I could never ever give up!! She is an unspeakable example of inginuity, loyalty, patience, talent, integrity, and individuality. Emileigh is someone that has the ability to make people feel special, and I've always felt like i'm the luckiest girl in the world that she would pick me to be her best friend. The night I had to say goodbye to her was really hard. It was one of those moments that you kind of have to let your heart hybernate so that it doesn't break. But my heart had been preparing since Januray (I'm ridiculous I know!) Just because it's hard to imagine my life without her in it. But one of the things she has taught me is that life changes, and we have to progress with it. There is no stopping the natural progression of life and our relationships. But I know that even though I can't see her all the time, which sucks to be honest lol, she will always be my very best friend. And she knows how much I love her.

Laura, Me, and Em at Huntington Beach, CA 

So today is the day that I have to straighten up that bottom lip and look forward to the future. I'm excited for everything that my life holds this year, and for the new people that i'm going to meet. Here's to a great year. I'm moving on.

Taken 2 - Official Trailer (HD)

Over a year ago I remember my mother pulling me out of my room to make me watch Taken with her. I guess she thought that it might make me more wary of international travel. Taken did shake me a little bit, even though I love action and mystery. But not only did I fall in love with the movie, it sparked in me a passionate fury against the plague that is human trafficking. I've always had this dream since then of joining the forces of people that fight human traffickers undercover. Especially since China is one of the top countries known for human trafficking issues, with women not only be sold as slaves, but also captured and sold as wives to men that live in remote villages. If I had a chance to kick some a** in the name of this cause, oh I sure would.

Now, this sequel isn't really about all that. Its more about the revenge seeking kidnappers in istanbul. But I sure can't wait.

Its time

I look at the clock and it ticks, ticks, keeping me awake.
keeping time to my life, so fiercely and ruthlessly.
and it seems that there's not enough. of anything.

Time: it slips away. Like someone you can't replace.
Do you mourn? Do you compensate? Do you pretend it didn't go by?
That's the question I ask the clock
as its ticking
stealing away my sleep.

Time is always taking something precious.
The question is, was it worth it? i mull this in my mind
kind of like men that roll a baseball back and forth between their hands
with that far off look in their eyes. and you wish they were looking at you
when they are waiting....for something.
I think of this too while I'm mulling.
1:31am

Swallowed in the sea of my own thoughts......
When you love someone, does it ever go to waste?
I'm asking the clock, hoping it will answer. Since its the only one here.
And so incessant on occupying me. A question I used to be so sure of the answer.
Hopefully the clock will know. After all, it controls everything.
And even though all I hear is ticking, I know the answer.
And I stop mulling. Stop thinking. Stop hurting.
And I know
Its time. 

I'm wide awake.

Thanks Katy for always putting how I feel into such perfect words. 


I'm wide awake 
Yeah, I was in the dark 
I was falling hard 
With an open heart 
I'm wide awake 
How did I read the stars so wrong 

I'm wide awake 
And now it's clear to me 
That everything you see 
Ain't always what it seems 
I'm wide awake 
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long 

(Pre-Chorus) 
I wish I knew then 
What I know now 
Wouldn't dive in 
Wouldn't bow down 
Gravity hurts 
You made it so sweet 
Till I woke up on 
On the concrete 

Falling from cloud 9 
Crashing from the high 
I'm letting go tonight 
(Yeah I'm) Falling from cloud 9 

I'm wide awake 
Not losing any sleep 
I picked up every piece 
And landed on my feet 
I'm wide awake 
Need nothing to complete myself - nooohooo 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/k/katy+perry/wide+awake_21005238.html ] 
I'm wide awake 
Yeah, I am born again 
Outta the lion's den 
I don't have to pretend 
And it's too late 
The story's over now, the end - yeah 

Thunder rumbling 
Castles crumbling 
I am trying to hold on 
God knows that I tried 
Seeing the bright side 
I'm not blind anymore 

(Oh now I'm) Falling from cloud 9 
It was outta the blue, I'm 
Crashing from the high 
(Yeah) I'm letting go tonight 
Letting go of illusion 
(Now I'm) Falling from cloud 9

Can't go back now- the weepies

I love this song! So poingiant. I've realized alot of important things in my life lately. There are some things that are holding me back that I have to let go of. It's been hard for me to come to grips with the fact that sometimes you have to fly solo for awhile if you want to find your way. Like the song says, the most important steps are the ones you take by yourself.

Day 3-picture of yourself as a child

Ok, all of the best pictures of me are in my photo albums at home! and I still haven't mastered scanners yet, soooo here is the best I got. Pretty cute eh? I mean, I do what I can. Thats my sister and my brother next to me, and even though we are so different, I have the best brother and sister in the entire world. We grew up under kind of hard circumstances, and some how hard things seem to bring people together and make them even closer than they could have been otherwise! My mom used to always call my sister "Pidgy" and my brother "Alli-scoots" lol. She just called me Emmie....pretty standard. But hey, thats our family! We don't need any of that excentric crap, or a gajillion people in our family to feel like we matter. Us three are all about the quality, and these 2 are quality people. I can't think of 2 people with more integrity and loyalty on this planet! And look at those smiles.....we are so perfect.

That picture was taken on Easter like 20 years ago, and those threads are high class Easter clothes that our momma bought us! And 20 years later, she still puts $100 in my bank account for a new easter dress. Our family rocks....in style. Now I just gotta go shopping!!! One of my besties come with me, PLEASE!!!

day 2-the meaning behind your blog name

Well, my blog is named "Beautiful Disaster" and the older I get, the more and more fitting that name seems to be. I changed it after my mission from "I am Emily M", which was also a good name I think, just because theres alot of blogs out there. Like food blogs and blogs that talk about clothes and catchy ideas and such. I love all of that. But I write a blog to let the world see who I really am. And that name was kind of a declaration saying "i'm not going to hide who I really am anymore, even when its hard!"

I love Beautiful Disaster because to me thats what life is. Its a disaster all the time. Even when you plan it, even when you obsess over it and think and think and think, you can never predict exactly how things will go. Things that seem like the most ridiculous or difficult parts of your life can turn out to be the most inspring and enlightening.

This past week on Choir Tour we went and sang at a Methodist church. The kids felt a little awkward since they really have never been to any church other than the LDS church, but I was right at home cause I used to sing in the choir with my best friend at her Methodist church in our home town. And the pastor said something that really struck me about Oysters! When on oyster gets a piece of sand inside of it, the oyseter puts layer after layer of protective coating over the invasive scratchy grain in order to protect itself. And in the end, it turns out to be a pearl! Man thats life in a nutshell.

As far as me, this semester has been trough....oops i meant to type either tough or rough but hey, trough works lol. Student teaching has been so great but also exhausting, and there have been alot of other things this last 4 months that have left me emotionally exhausted. I've been kind of a disaster. But even when I'm going nuts and acting crazy, the people that love me still love me. You know who you are. And I am so grateful for that. Love is what gives me faith that everything will always be ok in the end. And if its not ok, then its not the end.

So there it is. I'm a freakin' beautiful disaster. Take me or leave me.

Day 1 "A recent picture and 15 facts about yourself"

Well everybody, here it is. Day one, FINALLY. I chose this picture because I just got back from a tour to California with my students. Yes thats, right, my students. I am a legit teacher! And yes its hard to tell the difference between me and the students sometimes, even though I got like 10 years on them! Being a teacher has ups and downs, but I really feel that being with these little guys and teaching them what I know has been one of the scariest and the best experiences of my life! I'll write all about that in another post, but the point is: This picture best defines who I am right now. I love my students!

Its funny how things never quite work out like you plan, and yet without a plan you just end up nowhere! This semester my life has been so crazy. If you are reading this blog It means that you actually care about what I have to say, and therefore you deserve to know the truth that I have been at BYU since 2005! Holy crap thats forever! And during that time ive lived in over 25 different apartments, 3 different countries, worked almost a dozen different jobs, had 7 of my best friends get married, completed almost 200 hours of course work, learned 2 languages, and had a billion life changing moments both happy and sad. Needless to say, life takes you to the most unexpected places sometimes. And I have to admit that change is hard for me. That might seem really strange for someone that has moved so much and kind of been all over the map as far as changing her mind about life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE adventure. I love traveling and moving and new experiences. But change with people is actually really hard for me, and I am probably the worst person you know at dealing with goodbyes. And I know that pretty soon my life has to change. Soon I will be a college graduate! And nothing makes me happier than to look back on all the work i've done and have that little piece of paper to show for it. But at the end of the day, the paper isn't anything at all compared to all of the life skills i've learned, the experiences i've had, and the amazing friends that i've made.

I can't tell you how lucky I am. I've loved every minute of my mission and my time at BYU. But the people that I have met here along the way are among the very best i've had in my entire life! I have the kind of friends that most people in their lives will never have. I have friends that, when i'm having a bad day, can actually sense my emotions and will call me or text me to see how I am. I have the kind of friends that will make you laugh until you pee your pants watching youtube videos, or will stay up till 6 am talking with you about life. My best friends are my soul mates, even the ones that are married. And nothing has been more fulfilling to me than learning from each and every one of them.

Needless to say, people like these are hard to let go of. I don't even know where i'm going to be living or working for next year! But I know in my heart that its time for my next adventure.

Its blogging time!

Alright people, its time to whip my blog back into shape. I have had a definate blogging down fall over the last year, and I want to get out of my slump. But ya know sometimes a blog feels like a journal: you don't write for long enough and then you just keep not writing, not because you don't have anything good to say, but because it's been so long and you don't know where to start.So all that's about to change. I'm going to do a 30 day blog challenge, and I hope you enjoy!

Here's the break down:
day 1 – recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you as a child
day 4- 'somebody had to say it'
day 5- a picture of somewhere you’ve been
day 6- favorite super hero and why
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you’re proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- write a bucket list of things you want to do before you die
day 12- things my children will do differently
day 13- your 5 favorite books and why
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- a picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- write about a sweet memory from your past
day 20- write about your best friend
day 21-a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave a lot
day 24- post your favorite quote or verse of scripture and why
day 25- where do you want to travel most and why
day 26- list 10 things that you are thankful for
day 27- what I spend money on
day 28- write about what gives you hope
day 29 – favorite tv shows and why you like them
day 30 – movies you can watch again and again.