Best not cross this mess.

So It has just come to my attention that my blog has over 8,415 hits in the total history of its being created. Now call me crazy, but I honestly didn't think anyone even read this thing. I'm seriously shocked. And on that note, I want to say thank you to whoever does read about my life and my thoughts.

You won't see a ton of instagram pictures from me, or stuff about cooking or working out. Although I do have a hard core goal to work out starting NOW. I also don't typically post about my clothes or stuff that I want. I write about what's in my mind and in my heart, and if you know me at all, you know that that is very fitting of me.

Today was my first day of school! I'm an assistant at 4 different middle schools. and I started off the week at middle school #1 with Mr. Jon Doe (name changed cause...ya know). I saw him in the parking lot when I was walking in, and i'll admit I wondered who the heck this guy was. Nerdy glasses and suspenders with a fauxhawk of curls with a little gold streak down the back. Then I walked into class and he was Choir man! And we had a great time today getting to know 100+ middle school kids. Who knew that song 'Scotlands Burning' we learned in Sister Kenny's elementary music class could have kids laughing so much and having so much fun. Feels good to have learned something in all those years of college. And my students are so hilarious...most of their names I could barely pronounce embarrassingly enough. (I really need to learn Spanish yo)

Ya know this move back to Texas has been both really exciting and hard at the same time. When my life got uprooted in less than 2 weeks, esp when I said I would NEVER move home, and in the opposite direction of the place that my heart is telling me i'm going to end up, It can be a challenge. Some days I just think, what the crap am I doing! But I know that this is the right choice for me, even though its the unexpected one. It feels really good to be doing something with my life that I actually had to work for. It feels really good to have a career, and living at home ain't bad either. Mom makes me dinner and asks how my day was, and you sure can't beat the price of the rent!

I'll admit something to you secretly, since you are die hard enough to have continued reading for this long lol. I've struggled with something for the past year. After my mission I got so wrapped up in school and my Provo friends and my long term goals, that I haven't taken a good hard look at me for a long time. One of my good friends once said "Being true to yourself is often hard to do. And you will often find yourself standing alone." I haven't been being as true to myself as I want to be. Right before my mission I was the best version of myself that I've ever been. I was confident and organized and happy. and it really showed. I worked out every single week without fail. And I did that because it was a goal I had for myself. I was in a musical outside of school just because I wanted to be. I wrote on my blog all the time because I loved it. And I didn't give any of that up just because a friend called or because some hottie wanted to go on a date. I owned my life and did what I needed to take pride in myself be successful. And somewhere along the last year, I'll admit I lost some of that. I relied on my friends and other people for my happiness instead of just looking inside of myself. The good news is, I never stopped relying on God. And that's why I'm still on solid ground.

Now, It feels awesome to be working towards my career goals. And there isn't anyone who can tell me that I don't have what it takes to be the most amazing choir teacher there is. I am beautiful, and strong, and creative, and a great friend. I am wise and talented, and I care about my students and people in general more than anyone that I know. Why I haven't been believing all those things about myself lately I have no idea. I don't need someone to tell me how great I am to believe it. So this is my declaration. I will conquer the world. And I will do it one day at a time. Best not cross this mess.

Tomorrow's the day

So tomorrow I become a legit full time paid teacher. I'm kinda nervous. Mostly really excited and overwhelmed. I assist 4 different middle school choir programs so the last few days have just been a whirl of meeting with directors and looking at music and picking out my first legit teacher outfit. That was a tough part.

Sooooo First day of school: Things I SHOULD be doing:

Practicing music
making lesson plans
picking out 10 items that describe myself
singing to get my voice out of this funk its been in all summer
Buying music stickie notes and other cutesie crap for my desk (all my directors are over achievers and decorate to the max and have color coded binders and adorable music stuff on their desks. Meh i'm lazy)
Exercising. Yeah THAT needs to happen ASAP.

What I'm ACTUALLY doing:

Watching Pretty little liars, a dumb show that you should never get addicted to.
napping
talking on the phone for 3 hours catching up with some of my favorite people!!
eating cookies....and sneaking the raw dough straight from the bowl. I live on the edge.
Facebooking.....or facebook stalking all the new friends I made at church today. whatever you call it.
napping
thinking about doing productive things.

So there you have the truth. Tomorrow will be all business, I promise :)

On that note, here's a few of my goals for this upcoming week.

Organize my lesson plans and music
Clean up and organize all my stuff (since I just moved)
Exercise 3X this week. Like legit hardcore reak of sweat afterwards work outs
drink 3 bottles of water a day.
Get to bed by 10:30 every night (already failed for today oops)
Reach out to people so I can make some new friends :)
Write on this blog a few times
Tell my mom how much she rocks for being amazing and letting me live here/making me an amazing dinner and putting up with me talking loudly on the phone for awhile.
Try my best to learn my students' names the first time they meet me.

So there ya go. More info on life to come soon.

Love,

E

movin' on (it's long, just so ya know)

Today is an interesting day.

Why you might ask? Well. Today I finally woke up and faced the fact that my life is different. If you know me, you know that I don't struggle with a change in scenery. I can't remember the last time I lived in one place for a full year. I love to travel. And I love to make new friends. I often find ways to be in a new place just so I can have a fresh start with a new perspective.

3 weeks ago I was living in Provo, living my usual provo life. I had a job working for an international college recruitment company. I made 35 phone calls a day to set up appointments with the VP's of recruitment with our sales guys. Talk about tedious. I graduated college back in April only to find that music teaching jobs in Utah are very very hard to come by, especially when 13 people graduated in Music Ed this year just from BYU alone. So I accepted the fact that I wouldn't be teaching this year, and found another job.....making phone calls. yay haha.

But for almost a year there has been this inner struggle in me, pushing me away from Utah. Since January I have had this rumble in my heart like big change was coming. I knew Utah wouldn't be my place for too terribly much longer. This part I was ok with. But bigger than that, I knew that the people in my life that i've been closest to for awhile, would not be so close. And here is where my struggles come. I really struggle to say goodbye. Always have, always will. So much that God had to start in JANURARY preparing my heart to say goodbye to certain people.

3 weeks ago I sat in my room missing work due to being sick. And one day I woke up and I realized that I had no idea what I was doing with my life. I realized that my housing contract was up in less than 3 weeks and I had no place to live. I realized that was not fulfilled with my job. And I knew that I couldn't stay in Provo. I couldn't sign a lease anywhere permenant. I wanted to teach or work with kids but I wasn't doing it! Urgh. Talk about a serious freak out.

And the product of that freak out was a music teaching job that happend to fall into my lap in Irving, TX. My hometown. It was so coincidental that this job would find me, that I knew it was meant to be. And I just packed up everthing, and my mom and I drove the 2 day trek back to Texas. With all of my crap packed up in trash bags and shoe boxes in the back of my car. There's something liberating about having everything you own in the back seat.

All of this has been kind of a whirlwind, and I feel so good about it. But today I almost cracked. Out of all of the people I have had to say goodbye to, a few of them have literally almost broken my heart. And I guess that's why i'm writing.

Today my sister left to go back home. Her and Alex both live(d) with me in Provo, and Laura had planned to come here for the 2 week break for a visit since before we knew that I would be moving back. Since Christmas I've been making a legit effort to see Laura more and spend more time with her. Sisters do as sisters should! And we've had some awesome moments together. She honestly has been there for me when no one else was. And it was soo good to come home to Texas with her here. But today she left for the airport, and both of us were struggling to keep it together. I'll admit i'm really sad that I won't live in the same town as her anymore, and that I can't see her whenever I want. I regret not taking advantage of that as much as I could in the beginning. But i'm so glad i've gotten to spend so muhc time with her. And for any of you that have a sister, you know how priceless that relationship can be. She is the best sister in the entire world and I know that I will always have her in my life. It's just hard to see people you love so much go!!

Among ALL of the other people that I have had to say goodbye to in the last 2 weeks (which are SO many...ugh I hate goodbyes lol), there is one other person that was one of the hardest to say bye to. She's my sister too. A sister in my heart. My best friend Emileigh has been there for me through almost everything for the past 2 years. We met in a random club at school that both of us hated being in, and became best friends dispite ridiculous odds. In a normal world, two people as different as us wouldn't even have any business being friends. But this girl is not like anyone else that I have known. She is someone who understands me, and has been there for me through happy and dark times. I have so many priceless and hilarious memories with her that I could never ever give up!! She is an unspeakable example of inginuity, loyalty, patience, talent, integrity, and individuality. Emileigh is someone that has the ability to make people feel special, and I've always felt like i'm the luckiest girl in the world that she would pick me to be her best friend. The night I had to say goodbye to her was really hard. It was one of those moments that you kind of have to let your heart hybernate so that it doesn't break. But my heart had been preparing since Januray (I'm ridiculous I know!) Just because it's hard to imagine my life without her in it. But one of the things she has taught me is that life changes, and we have to progress with it. There is no stopping the natural progression of life and our relationships. But I know that even though I can't see her all the time, which sucks to be honest lol, she will always be my very best friend. And she knows how much I love her.

Laura, Me, and Em at Huntington Beach, CA 

So today is the day that I have to straighten up that bottom lip and look forward to the future. I'm excited for everything that my life holds this year, and for the new people that i'm going to meet. Here's to a great year. I'm moving on.

Taken 2 - Official Trailer (HD)

Over a year ago I remember my mother pulling me out of my room to make me watch Taken with her. I guess she thought that it might make me more wary of international travel. Taken did shake me a little bit, even though I love action and mystery. But not only did I fall in love with the movie, it sparked in me a passionate fury against the plague that is human trafficking. I've always had this dream since then of joining the forces of people that fight human traffickers undercover. Especially since China is one of the top countries known for human trafficking issues, with women not only be sold as slaves, but also captured and sold as wives to men that live in remote villages. If I had a chance to kick some a** in the name of this cause, oh I sure would.

Now, this sequel isn't really about all that. Its more about the revenge seeking kidnappers in istanbul. But I sure can't wait.

Its time

I look at the clock and it ticks, ticks, keeping me awake.
keeping time to my life, so fiercely and ruthlessly.
and it seems that there's not enough. of anything.

Time: it slips away. Like someone you can't replace.
Do you mourn? Do you compensate? Do you pretend it didn't go by?
That's the question I ask the clock
as its ticking
stealing away my sleep.

Time is always taking something precious.
The question is, was it worth it? i mull this in my mind
kind of like men that roll a baseball back and forth between their hands
with that far off look in their eyes. and you wish they were looking at you
when they are waiting....for something.
I think of this too while I'm mulling.
1:31am

Swallowed in the sea of my own thoughts......
When you love someone, does it ever go to waste?
I'm asking the clock, hoping it will answer. Since its the only one here.
And so incessant on occupying me. A question I used to be so sure of the answer.
Hopefully the clock will know. After all, it controls everything.
And even though all I hear is ticking, I know the answer.
And I stop mulling. Stop thinking. Stop hurting.
And I know
Its time.