October 5, 2008

I wrote this post on Sunday October 5, 2008, before my mission. I was obviously in the middle of some serious boy drama here. Which was not uncommon for me to have back then. but I was reading through the posts from that time in my life, and they just feel so real and so raw and alive. I want to be able to write like this again. I want to be able to feel like this again.....and I don't mean the romantic part of it. The so alive in my own life and aware of my feelings part. And I don't have to wait till 'someday' for my life to be fulfilled. There was a college study done where students were interviewed at some university, and were asked "when will you be happy" Some said:
"when I graduate"
"when i get married"
"when I score that executive position i'm working for"
"when I have my own home"
and in my case.. "when summer comes"
etc......

Well, why not be happy and fulfilled by TODAY?
I'm gonna work on that.

Here's October 5th for ya:

"I'm going to go ahead and dedicate this post to this boy that i sometimes love...he'll probably never read this. He probably WILL invite me over to his house for conference tomorrow only to ignore me and pretend like we never rolled around in the grass, or cried in each others arms, or like he never gave me that bruise on my neck. AND he'll probably try to set me up with his friend just so that he can try to distract me from distracting him from distracting me from my oh so recent trip to Asia. i dont really know. DUDE..as hannah would say "smatchoo"??? (whats the matter with you?)

Truth be told....it doesnt really matter. I dont know if you ever really loved me....i sure hope so. But this is me officially making my heart let you go. I renounce you and the un-erasable strings that keep me hanging in a permanent free fall of your wake. I allow myself to forget you because i dont think about me in terms of you, or you in terms of us anymore. Because im tired of being humored, and when i come back i deserve someone who gives a crap. So here's what you've been wanting. I release you....all in the name of China.
...........................................................

Its official....im back in texas, my homeland. After drivin with the windows down for 2 days, eatin french toast with bob and elaine: my moms best friend that lives in denver, and claimin the earth just beneath the border, i am here. Its an adjustment. I have a new life. I have new friends. I have a new home and a new room. A new Job. I am new. Renewal within myself is evolving everywhere. I cant help but think: this is actually happening. I am going on a mission to china. I cannot avoid it, nor do i want to. As i look back on my life in this familiar place, i realize what i have come from. I remember high school, bumpin around with the bums and sneakin out in the middle of the night. I visualize freshman year of college, eatin pizza on sunday and cursin up a strom, just to be rebellious. I re-live my revolutions and the release of my rage for the shortcomings in my life. I recall my tears and my prayers. I realize the beginnings of my humanity, and my desire to be a conduit. I am growing....always reaching for God. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. My pride is spent and i send love out into the universe fearlessly. More often than not i dont get it back. Its still worth it. My heart is growing....I am not perfect, nor do i want to be. Satan is real...he works from the inside out. Last week i wanted to leave for lunch without clocking out. My mind often tells me that i am worthless. On the way to work i turned the radio off to contemplate my life. I contemplated so hard that i missed my exit and got mixed up in the mix master. I was late for work (cue your shock) and got back on going the wrong direction. I cursed to myself.....WHERES THE D*** i15 WHEN YOU NEED IT? Yeah its not here. Someday soon ill have to face that. He won that small victory. crap. oh well...whatev.

from the london book:
Its all happening so fast. My life is a speeding train and im not sure where its headed. One thing is certain-ive been given a second chance. Touched by God and ive gotta believe that he has a purpose for my life. So why am i filled with self doubt? Plagued by demons-both real and imaginary. Frightened by the challenges ahead and haunted by the ghosts of my past. Goes God know what i am? Do i? Am i an angel or a monster? And why cant i see the difference?
This apprehension is the child of Evil personified, and i can overcome.
I will break free with my resilience. My reverence. THEN shall the shackles fall.
Love will tread out the fire of anger.
And from the ash i will rise,
and plant a tree of peace