Confession

Alright, today I need to confess something to you, my loyal readers.

I am a musician.

There, I said it. I study in the school of music. I sing in a variety of different styles INCLUDING opera (Yes opera....that was hard to say but I said it!), folk, jazz, country and pop-legit. I have composed some music before. I have played the piano since I was 8 years old and took lessons for 10 years. My mom always told me that I was singing before I could even speak. When I was 2 years old I could babble and say a few words, but sometimes I would randomly start humming or singing a tune that I heard in the car (probably raffi or something....gotta love raffi!) She pushed me to sing in church from the time I was five years old up until now. She drove me around to music lessons for years and wouldn't let me quit even when I thought I was too busy running track, meeting with student council presidency, or being dance officer on the MacArthur Cardettes. I sang in choir all through middle school and high school, and even sang in Concert and Jazz choir my senior year. I was lucky enough to sing solos on the choir performances that won us State awards in competitions and festivals. The best word to describe me in high school would be INVOLVED to say the least. But mom never let me back out of those piano lessons every week. She Is my biggest supporter and my biggest fan.

When I got to college I decided to study music because I couldn't think of anything that I would want to do more! I was young and unimformed of the vast amount of career options out there. But I came to college thinking I was some music hot shot, only to realize that ALOT of people here think that. I started voice lessons at BYU with the realization that I was going to have to swallow a whole lot of nasty medicine at this school in order to be considered a 'good' and respected musician. I worked my butt off for two years practicing hours and hours for my audition, and talking to numerous other majors to figure out how to put together my massive teaching portfolio. And then finally at the end of my sophomore year, I got accepted. Dream come true. I was so proud I could have died.

Then life kind of ended. Music classes engulfed my whole life and I was in the HFAC from 7am until almost 9pm on some nights practicing, doing projects, going to concerts, BEING in concerts. It got exhausting after awhile. And somehow, my singing just didn't ever seem to be enough for the professors. After time that got old, and I got sick of all the kids at this school obsessing over music like its bigger than life itself. Something died in me. I stopped telling people that I study music. When i moved into a new ward, I didn't write that I know how to play the piano or sing or conduct on the little get to know you slip. I started to hide. I really have no idea when exactly this started to happen, or why I delt with it this way. Right before my mission, i stopped singing all together except in the car, and I didn't even take one piece of music with me on my mission. I didn't tell anyone there that I could sing either. I only sang a few times in a couple of wards. Some people I serve with don't even know I can sing. At the time I told myself that giving up music was my mission sacrifice to keep me from being distracted. When I think back on this, it makes me kind of sad though.

Since I came back to school, I've had kind of a bad attitude about music, but I enrolled in the classes I have left just to get through and get out. I threw myself into other stuff that felt less foreign like chinese (because i've been doing THAT for the last two years) and didn't put my heart into really anything. But one day I woke up and just thought "what is my DEAL!?". Why do something that can be so fun and not love it?! And that is why I am confessing all of this to you. Because I do love music. It has changed my life in so many ways, and a song can even help me to realize my true emotions. And I am a talented musician. I don't have to be compared with anyone else to be talented. And I shouldn't be ashamed in front of my friends or people I love to be heard singing classical pieces or singing anything, because I love it! And on the days that I don't love it, i'll just keep reminding myself that I do until I believe it. I'm not letting anyone else let me think that I don't have anything to offer. Because i DO. I'm not going to be scared of this anymore.

Some recent experiences in my life have helped me to wake up to the realization that I need to re-connect with this part of myself. And In honor of that I decided to do something that I have always wanted to do: play the guitar!!! My mom is not a professionally trained musician by any means, but she has some musical talent and can always sing on key. She played guitar for a few months when she was younger, and she gave me her old guitar a few years back. My freshman year I took a guitar class and thought it was pretty easy, but never actually put in the effort to learn how to play something. Well, now that Is all about to change. On Saturday I took my guitar to Best in Music to get restrung and tuned. I'm determined to teach myself to play, and I already have a bunch of songs in mind from Dixie Chicks, Tangled, and Michelle Branch that I want to play!!!!

I also have decided that once I get a little better on said guitar, I want to write a song. Yes that's right. An original song. The other day when mom was here, we went to see the Carl Bloch exibit. It was pretty good even though impressionistic art is more my thing, but I saw this quote on the wall:

"And he dipped his paintbrush in his heart"

I love this because real artists DO get their inspiration from their heart! I consider myself to be an artist with my music, my painting, and my writing, and I know that all of my inspiration and motivation comes from my emotions and beliefs. It comes from my heart. So i'm going to use this idea for my song. I've already got a couple different takes on it in my mind and I'm just stoked!