This is me

I haven't written on here in awhile....and Im really regretting that right now. Blog writing is such an outlet for me......
SO here's whats up with me.
I am a music teacher.
I am a teacher at the MTC.
I am a president of a club at school.
I am trying to survive classes, and plan my life. and i have no idea where thats even going.
I want to dance....all the time.
i am a slave to my never ending ambitions.
wow all of this was really intriguing. This leads me to my point.


I don't know exactly who i am right now. Im stuck in some kind of limbo between who I was and who I am becoming. And i fight it tooth and nail at both ends. I fight against myself........at what i think i should be, and what i am.

Just read the posts from the beginning of this blog to now!!! The woman I was.....she was ambitious yes. But she was fulfilled. She was free. She was confident in all things. She was STRONG. She was artistic and filled with witty things to say. She was funny. She was romantic. She was racy and bold and beautiful. This person I am now.....is different. And i just can't figure it out.....after bringing God into my life as my best friend, why do i feel so...so insecure?

But then i remember all of the things that i just can't erase. And i wouldn't trade anything for the person that I am today. I don't even care. And the "quiet dignity" in me will wear off, since lets face it thats just not me. But my heart will stand forever changed. And it has nothing to do with anything except that my heart is pure. My mask has been removed. I am raw and in some natural state that exposes my real emotions. And THIS IS ME. Please except me for who i am!!! PLEASE!!!!

I had a dream not too long ago:

I am surrounded by darkness....and i reach out with my hands to feel four walls around me, smooth and cool to the touch, but blocking my immanent escape. The walls come to small corners and the realization comes: i am in some kind of box. I slide my hands down the cold metal, and it combusts with my steaming skin. A collision of interests. My lungs start to burn for air like FIRE, pain that feels red and orange and makes your eyes sear. Everything is red..and the box lashes against me. first my fists, and then my feet and my skull. until the air inside of me starts to merge and swirl with surrounding energy that surmounts into violet and ripping of my center, through my fingertips and toes out into the small dark space......exploding in all directions.

And then I wake up. And i realize the box is social expectation. And i have to get out.

I have to get in the car and just run away....to anywhere. last weekend it was st. george. next weekend maybe cali, or moab, or your house or just SOMEWHERE. I have to roll the windows down and scream the words that someone else wrote to express themselves with my foot on the dash; all in nostalgic celebration of who i really am.

I watch the superbowl on sundays ok.
Sometimes i curse when no one is listening.
Sometimes i'm lonely! not for people in general, but for people that make me feel ALIVE.
I want to be a part of something....something epic. Even if it is epic to only me and one other person.
AND sometimes I even fart really loud when people are sitting just right there and i blame it on someone else! SOMETIMES I JUST DON"T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT my soul. And God. and my fulfillment. and the people that fly with me instead of trying to cage me. I just need another night to feel alive. Just one. Please.

I just have to laugh. dang.

there it is.....my heart splattered everywhere.