she and i

9/6/08...(from the London book)

I feel close to my soul. Who is my soul? What does she love? When does she feel whole? sometimes i pull inside of myself and listen to her.....that hasnt happened much before. I am getting to know her-feel her presence and her needs. Before she would whisper in my ear as if we were sharing secrets shed hoped i would keep safe. Sometimes i honored those secrets....sometimes i have tossed them to the wind. Soul....dont be mad at me. Love me....forgive me. Now she speaks to me, sometimes in the mirror. Looking back at me in the smooth glass with piercing green eyes....we look into each other. And she is not afraid to command me...she speaks with confidence, and assurance. "Emily....i am in you." She no longer whispers. Because she is heard. And the world is seeing her finally....fully. She is invalueable...should they see her? I worry because she is so precious to me....my best friend. I shield her from the swirling black hate that i imagine as her distruction. But soul is not breakable. She is firey and strong; resiliant. I can feel her pushing me forward with faith, encouraging me. She moves my feet when i am faint; makes me smile when i am sad. My brain often hears noise...it gets distracted. Too many things to think about...all the time. So my soul listens, so we will know which way to go. She still loves me, even when i am distant. Thank you soul-do not leave me. I feel drawn to things and people by my inner core...as if i am internally wired to be with them. Why do i need person A or B in my life so badly? And then i know, that soul is pulling me towards our fulfillment, learning, love, truth, and grace. Even in moments of doubt, she directs me to the people who will align with us and understand us. My soul is i, and i am my soul. Apart, we are nothing. i am not alone.