burning the 2 o clock oil

So today on fish's ipod i heard a song by reliant k, and the main lyrics were, " im just trying to be my best self for you" or something to that extent. And as i think about this song, which seems very sweet, i wonder, why do we need someone to come along and light an eternal flame in us that makes us want to be better? Why can we not find value in ourselves alone? why dont we want to be better just for US. I will admit, i do live in provo which is a vortex of pressure to give up our independence early all for the sake of eternal love. But why doesnt anyone still believe that we have value as a single unit, not only as a couple. I am a human being that beathes and feels; loves, cries, laughs, thinks, comes up with original ideas, and wants to be accepted by others. NO i am not married; nor will i be until mr right comes along for real. but until then, i will feel good about myself going it solo. and i will be the best person i can be only for myself. Because being the best version of myself makes me feel happy and proud. I think that other people can greatly add to my happiness though, and that some people can come along and help us to realize that we have good in us that we didnt even know was there before, and help us to access it. That really is the beauty of life.


I know i have pleanty of people like this in my life: friends and romantic interests alike. While i was in london, i made so many friends with just genuinely real people. I love and miss all of you. Thank you so much for all of the laughs and tears; the ephifanies and the lightbulb moments. Thank you for making me think and helping me to see the good in all people, the colors of my life, and the joy found in unknown corners of the world. All of you together changed my life!

I really am still so sad about leaving london because of the eye opening experience that it was. But im feeling now that i need to let it go...to mourn its existance in a way. i do that sometimes...mourn people/things that are no longer a large part of my life in order to give myself a sort of closure. So here is to london and the mourning of it and all the poeple it made me temporarily close to. I will always be wondering what each of you remarkable women are doing every night with your remarkable lives, since i no longer get the pleasure of seeing you each and every day.