Just some thoughts.

Let me tell you some things that have been on my mind......

1. It feels good to wake up out of a 2 year long figurative coma. 

2. I really really want Mitt Romney to win. 

3. Sometimes lately I get that feeling in my chest like I can't breathe. 

4. When things aren't going to great in the relationship department, thats when you step back and take time to work on yourself. And it feels sooo good. 

5. I need forgiveness in my life to scrape a black pile of resentment out of the pit of my stomach. Because it's just sitting there making me sick. 

6. I love and will always love Ingrid Michaelson and Dashboard Confessional. 

7. I pledge to never again be someone that I am not. 

Today my friend Katie called. She is a fiesty southern belle of mine that lives far away on the east coast, and we have talked on the phone and kept in touch for years. I have only met Katie twice, but I feel like she's one of my very best friends. The first time we met was when I drove to her little house in Knoxville TN to visit her for a week. Long story, but it was totally worth it. She told me 'Em, you don't deserve to take Sh*t from people that don't appreciate you. If they don't get you, leave 'em in the dust.' um  YES.

That was probably the best part of my day. Teaching today was tough. Screaming children. Glue on someone's head. Don't ask. But along with my day job i've been giving an opportunity. 

My friend works at Anthropologie as the general manager, and she offored me a job seasonally as a sales associate. I drove up there today in a rush because I had to come home after work and change so that I could 'look the part'. Eyelet lace dress with a denim jean jacket, and mid calf boots. It was a pretty good interview outfit if I do say so myself. I got stuck in traffic on the way in the mixmaster in Dallas, and I had that feeling like I couldn't breathe again. Until finally I arrived and walked into the store, and I really did feel like all of my worries just dropped to the floor. I felt calm and something about the clothing and home items in that store makes me feel peaceful. They play music that sounds like imogen heap and I heard one of my Ingrid songs play while I was waiting on the couch for my interview. 

The girl asked me questions like 'what inspires you' and 'what good things are happening in your life right now'. She also asked me who my icons and idols are, and why I love Anthropologie. And I felt very calm and awake, in an out of body sort of way. I got the feeling like I was at home. And I realized that I need a zen space in my life to focus on the things that inspire me as a person individually. Needless to say I got the job! And what I value more than the Xx% discount is the chance that I have to learn about the fashions and styles that come from Anthropologie; a store that is inspired by world culture and trends. Now that's something that I'm very passionate about. 

Before my mission I used to read this book called 'Writing Down the Bones'. A good friend recommended it to me, and it's all about how to put your soul down on paper and express yourself through writing. Onetime while I was living here before my mission I walked down the street to the gazebo on the lake and sat there at dusk. I wrote all of my thoughts and feelings down in one continuous stream onto the paper. One of the artist's suggestions is that you don't have to write from top to bottom on the paper. you can write anyway that you want! in circles, swirls, bottom to top. And going against the grain really lets the things in your heart that are trapped in there without an anchor come out. And lord knows I have a slew of those. 

Even though the lyrics are cheesy, they are true.

angistin' my face off.

Somehow I feel that something big is coming..........

Thanks to my pal Ingrid......

Ingrid Michaelson that is! I've listened to Ingrid for the better part of 4 years now (minus 1.5 for a mission). And ya know, I'm a person that loves all kind of music. Everything from classical to hard rock, hip hop and punk, and even some screaming. I LOVE my angsty emo music, and I love R&B like Usher and Chris Brown. So some might call me boring for making Ingrid a staple. But I honestly don't care. Because she has taught me something that really no other artist has, and isn't that the point of music: to feel something? 

I love Ingrid for her uninhibited honest lyrics. She says things that, to be honest, the rest of us are often afraid to say or admit. I found this gem on youtube one time after hearing it on a TV show, and I loved it. And tonight the first thing I could think of to write about was this song.

Something has happened recently in the life of a loved one to remind me who precious a gift our human relationships are, and how fragile they can be.

Sometimes I go for drives and think about things in my life. I listen to Ingrid, or Dashboard, or something that can help me loosen up and let everything real slow and easy. And I am the kind of person that has a mess for a mind. It seriously feels like an art studio in there. Everything is all jumbled up and swirling on top of itself like paint on a canvas. When I drive, I have to take everything out, and organize it into labed boxes. Some of them sealed up tight; some of them easily accessable with labels. All contain my thoughts and feelings. The sealed ones protect me from open wounds, while the others just need a place to rest. Well tonight was one of those nights I went in, and pulled one of those boxes off the dusty shelf, and sealed another one up. Sometimes its just good and healthy to angst. 

Love is something that when you find it, you grab on and you don't let go. Whether its romantic love, the love of a beloved friend, the unbreakable love of family, or the passion of a career or hobby. I see people all the time that have it and just throw it away. A misunderstanding happens, or people just drift apart and don't do anything about it. They give passion in their hearts over to the mundane disappointments of daily life. Or people just decide to stop loving each other because that's easier. And everytime I see it I just want to scream: YOU MORON. I learned a looong time ago when dad walked out that door, that when you have something special in your life, you fight for it. And you never give up.

There is a certain man in my life that I loved. I don't talk about him, or this experience really hardly ever because it's so personal. And none of you would know exactly who I'm talking about. But this person was, and continues to be, a person that was very pivotal in my life. He was someone who loved me unconditionally, and blindly. He changed the way I see the world. And we definitely had some bumps. There were days that he did things that annoyed me. And at the end of the day, I didn't know how to work through the things that bothered me. I didn't know how to communicate. I couldn't face the depth of what I was feeling. So I let him go. And he kept in touch with me for years, clinging to any chance for us. And it was definitely hard for me too. But   then I didn't see any other option because I was young and stupid. And you want to know what?........

That is one of my greatest regrets of my life. That is incredibly hard to admit. So this is what I've learned. When you love someone, you should tell them. You should show them. You should be there for them and cherish them fearlessly, even if it doesn't always seem reciprocated in the way that you want. I'm over pretending like I don't care about people that I do. Because that's who I am. And luckily Ingrid gets that too.

Best not cross this mess.

So It has just come to my attention that my blog has over 8,415 hits in the total history of its being created. Now call me crazy, but I honestly didn't think anyone even read this thing. I'm seriously shocked. And on that note, I want to say thank you to whoever does read about my life and my thoughts.

You won't see a ton of instagram pictures from me, or stuff about cooking or working out. Although I do have a hard core goal to work out starting NOW. I also don't typically post about my clothes or stuff that I want. I write about what's in my mind and in my heart, and if you know me at all, you know that that is very fitting of me.

Today was my first day of school! I'm an assistant at 4 different middle schools. and I started off the week at middle school #1 with Mr. Jon Doe (name changed cause...ya know). I saw him in the parking lot when I was walking in, and i'll admit I wondered who the heck this guy was. Nerdy glasses and suspenders with a fauxhawk of curls with a little gold streak down the back. Then I walked into class and he was Choir man! And we had a great time today getting to know 100+ middle school kids. Who knew that song 'Scotlands Burning' we learned in Sister Kenny's elementary music class could have kids laughing so much and having so much fun. Feels good to have learned something in all those years of college. And my students are so hilarious...most of their names I could barely pronounce embarrassingly enough. (I really need to learn Spanish yo)

Ya know this move back to Texas has been both really exciting and hard at the same time. When my life got uprooted in less than 2 weeks, esp when I said I would NEVER move home, and in the opposite direction of the place that my heart is telling me i'm going to end up, It can be a challenge. Some days I just think, what the crap am I doing! But I know that this is the right choice for me, even though its the unexpected one. It feels really good to be doing something with my life that I actually had to work for. It feels really good to have a career, and living at home ain't bad either. Mom makes me dinner and asks how my day was, and you sure can't beat the price of the rent!

I'll admit something to you secretly, since you are die hard enough to have continued reading for this long lol. I've struggled with something for the past year. After my mission I got so wrapped up in school and my Provo friends and my long term goals, that I haven't taken a good hard look at me for a long time. One of my good friends once said "Being true to yourself is often hard to do. And you will often find yourself standing alone." I haven't been being as true to myself as I want to be. Right before my mission I was the best version of myself that I've ever been. I was confident and organized and happy. and it really showed. I worked out every single week without fail. And I did that because it was a goal I had for myself. I was in a musical outside of school just because I wanted to be. I wrote on my blog all the time because I loved it. And I didn't give any of that up just because a friend called or because some hottie wanted to go on a date. I owned my life and did what I needed to take pride in myself be successful. And somewhere along the last year, I'll admit I lost some of that. I relied on my friends and other people for my happiness instead of just looking inside of myself. The good news is, I never stopped relying on God. And that's why I'm still on solid ground.

Now, It feels awesome to be working towards my career goals. And there isn't anyone who can tell me that I don't have what it takes to be the most amazing choir teacher there is. I am beautiful, and strong, and creative, and a great friend. I am wise and talented, and I care about my students and people in general more than anyone that I know. Why I haven't been believing all those things about myself lately I have no idea. I don't need someone to tell me how great I am to believe it. So this is my declaration. I will conquer the world. And I will do it one day at a time. Best not cross this mess.