Spring!!!! .....psych

So lately i feel like I am getting punked by the weather just ALL THE TIME! yesterday was a PERFECTLY fine day. That morning I walked to school with my ipod on Owl City, and a little spring in my step. It was spring!!! I swear!!! I was wearin my new skinny jeans too. and It just seemed like nothing could ruin this day. Seriously It was perfect!

My voice lessons went surprising well (despite that ive been infected with cold nast for almost 2 weeks!!) and I was EARLY FOR FORM AND ANALYSIS CLASS! if you know me you know this never happens....im late to everything. And I did my analyzation of Beethoven's Waldstein sonata before class. I got my last project back that I only spent an hour on and expected to fail, but a big fat B+ on it. OH man this mess has got to be connected to the weather. And the rest of the day went just as well up until I went into the MTC to see my missionaries. We worked on the Restoration lesson in chinese and they were in surprisingly good spirits for people that are about to teach a huge lesson in a ridiculously hard language that they had never learned before. And i left feeling like YEAH! things are looking up the world! Warm weather affects my heart somehow. It sinks into me and Im just happier. Then i stepped out the door at around 9pm.....

SNOW.

nasty nasty snow falling everywhere. And I didn't even have my coat. This is not ok. And i hiked to my car with it falling all in my shoes and melting LIKE SNOW DOES. hey snow why you gotta melt all over me all the time???? Do i look like I want you fallin all up in my ride when I open the door to get away from you? Just who do you think you are snow?? You got some kinda nerve thinkin you can just bounce and then pop up into my life unexpected on the fly. A girl has limits here.

Snow,

YOU BEST GET GONE. Its over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3UjJ4wKLkg

Faith

the basis of what we all need in life comes down to this one thing: Faith. Faith that everything will work out. Faith that we can do it. Faith that the sun will rise tomorrow. Faith in ourselves and faith in others. Faith in the gospel. And that faith will drive us forward with a power that comes only from within us, that is sprung from the depths of our soul. Our faith gives us power to change the world if we only believe that it can be changed.

dedicated to a woman i love.....

Dear Lyndsi:

Remember those days when i lived on your couch and nothing else in the world seemed to matter except to keep the good times rollin? And we just soaked it all in as it came.
Here's to all our nights that we stayed up all night and talked till 6 in the morning house sitting. The times that we cried while we told the stories of the past in california, and the times that we laughed till we cried on the way to freedom. I love you cause your the only woman that will wrassle with me on the front lawn.
honey,
i miss you.
come back to me.

This is me

I haven't written on here in awhile....and Im really regretting that right now. Blog writing is such an outlet for me......
SO here's whats up with me.
I am a music teacher.
I am a teacher at the MTC.
I am a president of a club at school.
I am trying to survive classes, and plan my life. and i have no idea where thats even going.
I want to dance....all the time.
i am a slave to my never ending ambitions.
wow all of this was really intriguing. This leads me to my point.


I don't know exactly who i am right now. Im stuck in some kind of limbo between who I was and who I am becoming. And i fight it tooth and nail at both ends. I fight against myself........at what i think i should be, and what i am.

Just read the posts from the beginning of this blog to now!!! The woman I was.....she was ambitious yes. But she was fulfilled. She was free. She was confident in all things. She was STRONG. She was artistic and filled with witty things to say. She was funny. She was romantic. She was racy and bold and beautiful. This person I am now.....is different. And i just can't figure it out.....after bringing God into my life as my best friend, why do i feel so...so insecure?

But then i remember all of the things that i just can't erase. And i wouldn't trade anything for the person that I am today. I don't even care. And the "quiet dignity" in me will wear off, since lets face it thats just not me. But my heart will stand forever changed. And it has nothing to do with anything except that my heart is pure. My mask has been removed. I am raw and in some natural state that exposes my real emotions. And THIS IS ME. Please except me for who i am!!! PLEASE!!!!

I had a dream not too long ago:

I am surrounded by darkness....and i reach out with my hands to feel four walls around me, smooth and cool to the touch, but blocking my immanent escape. The walls come to small corners and the realization comes: i am in some kind of box. I slide my hands down the cold metal, and it combusts with my steaming skin. A collision of interests. My lungs start to burn for air like FIRE, pain that feels red and orange and makes your eyes sear. Everything is red..and the box lashes against me. first my fists, and then my feet and my skull. until the air inside of me starts to merge and swirl with surrounding energy that surmounts into violet and ripping of my center, through my fingertips and toes out into the small dark space......exploding in all directions.

And then I wake up. And i realize the box is social expectation. And i have to get out.

I have to get in the car and just run away....to anywhere. last weekend it was st. george. next weekend maybe cali, or moab, or your house or just SOMEWHERE. I have to roll the windows down and scream the words that someone else wrote to express themselves with my foot on the dash; all in nostalgic celebration of who i really am.

I watch the superbowl on sundays ok.
Sometimes i curse when no one is listening.
Sometimes i'm lonely! not for people in general, but for people that make me feel ALIVE.
I want to be a part of something....something epic. Even if it is epic to only me and one other person.
AND sometimes I even fart really loud when people are sitting just right there and i blame it on someone else! SOMETIMES I JUST DON"T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT my soul. And God. and my fulfillment. and the people that fly with me instead of trying to cage me. I just need another night to feel alive. Just one. Please.

I just have to laugh. dang.

there it is.....my heart splattered everywhere.

Valentines!

I really love writing on this blog. It just seems to help me sort out who I am, what my personality is, whats important to me, and my style. So the thing that is coming up in my mind lately is.....

Valentines day.

Yes....its coming. Im not sure how i feel about it this year. I think I have only had a boyfriend for maybe like 2 valentines of my whole life. And i always still LOVED the holiday whole heartedly. I never even batted an eyelash at being single. And mostly i just really really love holidays. I always have. Ironically, my favorite holiday is Halloween! Oh man i miss that holiday...who can beat dressing up in crazy costumes and dance parties and begging for candy! I think i went trick or treating until I was like 19! And i would still go if someone would go with me :) partly because i can easiliy pass for a 16 yr old.

but thats not the point. VALENTINES day is on monday, and there are no costumes to hide under, and you only get candy if someone gives it to you. And im not sure if i even want anyone to give me any....sheesh. What a confusing holiday!

Usually my mom always sends me a bouquet of flowers....what a great mom! And me and my friends get together go to out and get our favorite girl food, followed by movies or just something to entertain ourselves. well, seeing as most of my best friends are married now, Im not sure how thats gonna go down. But i do know this.....

I have always stood by the claim that valentines day is NOT ONLY for couples. It is for love in general. And i got TONS o that! I love my family, and my friends dearly. I love my fish, and all my stuffed animals. I love flowers and those little hearts that have messages on them. They now have ones that say stuff like "tweet me" and "jump for love". my friend showed me the other day cause she had a box and took a picture of all the funny ones. Its kinds like those hot sauce packets at taco bell....you never know what message you are gonna get! personally i would love it if some guy asked me to marry him with a taco bell hot sauce packet but thats just me. cause i love taco bell. mmmmmh.

newho. I am deciding right now that i am going to celebrate valentines day! I am going to get boxes of those cheap hearts that everyone reads and noone wants to eat. And those little cartoon valentines that you get when you are a kid. And i am going to give away the love in my heart through bat man stickers and fold up messages. Get excited cause its going to be ding dong ditch style. OOOH and i think ill make my friends go to taco bell with me too.

YESSSSS. Best valentines ever.