dream

the other night i had a dream.....and you were there.
And these last few weeks i dont ever feel anything....i mean my heart. it never feels. but not like when its in ice water and all numb. its like its just content....beating slow and steady. It never thinks or reacts.....everthing is just streamline all the time. Which is not like me....im not sure if this is the exception or the rule. Because my mission drained up all my emotion.....i just kept pouring and pouring it out of me, and nothing filled it back up. And all the things that make me feel...all my emotion. all of my pain. everthing. it just got swallowed up because someone else was crying, or hurting, or needing part of me. And i ripped out my heart and ripped it to pieces, and gave it away. and then i was running on just the Soul and heart that God gave me, but it felt heavy. too heavy to carry. and i realized that my emotion, my depth that i was carrying around.....i just had to let it go. I had to lay it down. Because my emotion was my own pain.....the baggage of my life that im so proud of. Sometimes i am so proud of my hard things.... i hang on to it as if it makes me special. The things that make me deep....beautiful......emotional. one day i gave it all to the lord. And then i just felt light, and easy, and the deepness in me was just....gone. the PASSION that is emily....gone. And now instead of feeling like a tornado, runnin wild all the time, i just feel like a spring day. In the middle of a snow storm i'd still be smiling...unaffected.

My music teacher once said: Everyone wants to feel. Its why we do everything...because we are searching for it. Yearning to feel SOMETHING. and that is why we crave music. because it moves us. It flows through us and aligns with the wants and needs and emotions of our heart. And when we listen to music we create a certain emotion in us. ANd it might make you feel WILD or passionate, or free, or just make you float away to a different place. That's what i want now....i just want to feel something. I want to feel wild, and dangerous and young. but I'm scared to let this feeling overtake me. Sometimes when my emotions get the best of me, i spin out of control. the safe, organized and responsible missionary in me is fighting this need. I want to feel PASSION and LOVE. even if its raw......i want it. I want to feel my heart break and bleed, hear my own screams reverberating off the walls. I want to feel out of control....why do i want this? NO idea. But maybe its something to do with seeing you......in my dream.
I didn't think i'd feel anything. anything at all. but i did. just like before. i felt the force between us. And i remembered what its like. i wanted more....that scares me.

I'll light you on fire, and watch you burn. But you wont even notice, cause you like the way it hurts.

sister masterson is SAFE
emily is combustible and unpredictable.........
So who am i now?????

the battle with the window

Today it rained....ALOT. And it couldnt make up its mind. Really hard pounding rain, sunshine, pounding rain, little wispies, lots of clouds making you think its clearning up, then pounding rain again. Luckily i still got the see the fireworks after the ranger game.....caues SOMEBODY would have had to bite that bullet. i LOVE fireworks.
But the rain reminded me of a story from my mission that i want to tell you. Since thats all that i really have thats meaningful to talk about these days lol.
In HK (really pronounced H.K....thats what the cool kids call it :) ) there are typhoons. A typhoon is like a rain cloud thats all built up from the waves of the ocean and stuff, and when it moves over HK it will rain ALOT and and very high winds and speeds. yes this is my legit definition. neways typhoons mostly happen in the summer, when its SOOO hot that you can feel sweat dripping sun up to sun down. And showering doesnt seem to help because after, the hot water just kind of sticks to you....and you dry off and dry off but it just doesnt work. And your clothes go on all sticky because of the humidity. But God throws you a typhoon every once in a while....just to shake things up. But i only experienced one big one.

last summer while all of you were having summer flings and eating snowcones and going to the pool, i was in HK with my chinese companion. Her name is Sister Tsui (CH-OY). Just say it however you want because its too hard to say it right anyways :) Shes a little asian girl that loves stuffed animals and spongebob, and she kinda looks like me, just asian. We lived together just the 2 of us during the summer. Luckily we are really great friends. On the 4th of july i told her i really wanted to celebrate. She said...."Why?" i said.....because i need to celebrate my countries freedom! she said "ok whatever. lets go get SUSHI!!!" so that was our celebration. My chinese 4th of july with china Tsui And i cut up a watermelon when we got home and hummed the national anthem as i cut. It was one of those little baby watermelons that only like 2 ppl can eat anyways, and Tsui doesnt like watermelon. So This was my own little tribute to my own heritage....which was slowly slipping from me.

One night we came home, and there was a sign raising the alert of 'LEVEL 10 TYPHOON', which is the highest level. All the windows had tape X's on them, as if that will protect them from being blown out by the wind lol. If its 8 or above, we cant even leave the house. But we had to sleep at 11 anyways, so i didnt think anything of it. Then at 2:15 am i woke up and the windows were rAtTlInG and everything was sHhhhhAkInG and water was literally pounding on the walls. Me and my companion woke up at exactly the same time.
Tsui: do you hear that?
ME: WHAT IS IT?
Tsui: I'm scared! We are going to die!!!! come over here!!!!
So i went and crawled into her bed and we huddled under the covers all scared together.....and THEN we heard this huge CRASHHHHHHHHHHHH that came from the back office.
And i jumped up, ran back there, and turned on the light only to see that the wind and smacked open the window and water was POURING in, and all of our desk stuff and other stuff was on the floor getting soaked. So i ran up to the ledge infront of the window and put my hand out to pull it back closed, but the wind was too strong. So i put my hand out behind the hinge to try to push it closed, but after i got it a little ways, but then the wind suddenly SNAPPED BACK, and it almost cut off my hand between the hinge and the window edge. And I screamed AHHHH and looked down and my clothes and i was soaked head to toe, and i yelled "i CANT BELEIVE I AM DOING THIS RIGHT NOW! I CANT BELIEVE I AM IN CHINA IN A TYPHOON DEALING WITH THIS AT 2AM." and my companion was laughing hysterically at me declaring my disbelief that this was my life. the battle with the window in china. With a little chinese girl laughing her head off at me. Have you ever felt like your life was so crazy it just couldnt be real? because this was my whole life for 1.5 years. And i miss it so much. Making the drive from the airport back to my house here was so surreal. I felt like i had just had a bizzare dream where i went to china and learned chinese and changed the world.....and then....i woke up.

the chuck norris bowl

OK so im back from Utah, where i stayed with my best friend stephanie, who just got married to one of the greatest (and possibly wealthiest) men in all of utah county. His name is Devin and he's about 5'6 with blonde hair and likes to wear skinny jeans, but not the tight ones. And when he talks, you can tell that money doesnt even matter to him. I like that for my stephie, even though they live on a huge estate up in the wasach mountains that overlooks the valley, and they have their own tennis court and playground. back when devin was still on his mission, i used to help stephanie house sit his house while his parents when on vacation during the summer. And on the first visit i got all lost on the twist and turney roads that lead up to the gate that is covered in white Christmas's lights. Then when steph had to let me in and i drove down the long drive upto the gorgeous white Victorian style house, i just couldn't believe that THIS could be devin's house! Now you might be wondering what house sitting actually entails. Well....it includes sleeping at the house and 'watching over' it (how do you do that? its like babysitting a fish!), eating really really good chocolate wedding cake in the refrigerator (the kind that is disguised to be like a wooden cabinet or something, but its not), sleeping in a queen size memory foam bed with a view that overlooks the whole wasach front, and playing on the blue grand piano, which has silver stars and is one of a pair that was actually created by and played by elton john. hard life huh. Oh and we also had to be responsible for receiving misc packages they got like surfing boards (in utah?) and let out mogley and shadow for awhile, but never at the same time (the 2 dogs). This part was probably the most entertaining because one time mogley, the little one, escaped, and shadow (the REALLY BIG ONE) magically took off his collar and chased him down the car park. And stephanie ran after them screaming SHADOW NOOOOOOOO) while i just stood there and laughed. OH i love that girl....and now shes married. I feel kind of like she died.....why is that!? why is it that when mormon kids get married, the single people have to have like a death ceremony for them. It feels like you'll never see them again and you have to put on your sleeveless (gasp!) black dress and cry and come to grips that its just 'us four now' instead of 'freshman 5!' or whatever. Dang....sometimes mormon culture is so weird lol.

So two mornings before steph got married, i was at her house. And every morning various gifts come. Like sets of tupperware, the thrid one of its kind thats come. Pan sets that are nicer than anything my mother has even owned. And that one morning, a big box came, and once she opened it she immediately started laughting and said "haha its signed from Chuck Norris!" A beautifully carved wooden bowl complete with little wooden spoon.
ok so whos gift is going to come next? The tooth fairy? Denzel washington? i mean really.
How annoying that the person that sent this gift couldn't even sign their real name!? who does she send the thank you note to! As i was voicing this objection aloud later that day, stephs cousin chimed in "no em....its really from chuck norris"
"HAHA yeah right."
her dad: "nope its from chuck norris"
"get real.....it cant really be from chuck norris"
Stephanie: "emily, its really from chuck norris! and his secretary sent us a tent!"
how the heck do these people know chuck norris?
Devin's dad knows him from the bodybuilding infomercial i guess. Cause he owns the infomercial franchise.
OH OF COURSE! how did i not know that this kids dad knows real walker texas ranger celebrities ?!?!?!?!? ;)

work in progress: thanks for your patience

this blog is famous for its music, and right now i want you to scroll down and click the first song on the list by shakira, and listen to it while you read. This weekend consisted of lots of dance little dance parties in the car and jams on the radio.....and when this song came on, i felt like it was my song! but i didnt know the lyrics, or the tune. I just knew it was ME......which is huge because right now im peicing my self back together it seems like. The hip free go with the wind even if its crazy me and the calm constant but bold return missionary me need to collide in some way. But im not sure how to do that yet, im not sure what the result will be. And ive kind of hid myself from trying to find out....up until now. Because lately i had no choice.....i just had to face my old life and go through all the motions of awkwardly trying to be cool and failing miserably because all i can think to talk about is my mission lol. i think thats probably pretty normal! And while everyone is rocking out in bold dramatic led zeplin moves in the car, im just doin a little side to side shimmy, cause that feels cool ya know. And im playin it safe thus far, keeping my missionary collectivity and still keepin it real. But im sure how long thats going to last.....before i just need to bust a MOVE. So here you have it.....Waka waka by shakira. It talks about africa, and even though im not sure whats happening in my life right now or when im going to explode out and dance crazy or give my heart to a boy or sneak out and just go nuts, I KNOW that i will go to africa. This song is like calling me there! And there i will DANCE. with the little birdies and the monkeys and the shirtless foodless little african children. because i feel at one with the impoverished countries of the earth. and in the meantime ill just dance to this song and make my plans for when ill run away there. Thats at least one constant in my life.

Hey....its me. Emily. Im back, and im writing my first post-post sister Masterson. And its kinda scary....i dont know who i am. I dont know what to write on this blog. Ive been to china and back....literally. Part of my heart is still there, so in a couple hours i might get my shovel and start diggin my way back. Down down down, into the core of the earth. Where ive buried my heart. and i have to dig it back out. Dust it off...clean it up, make it beautiful. I watch it pump, beat, morph into something else. Its me....yeah its me. My heart....its three sizes too big for my chest. And its having a love affair....with china. It needs to fall in love again....in love with being emily. living life. breathing and loving and runnin with the wind. in here....im ready....i think?

Wanna know my first gretting back to normal life? LADY GAGA in my face...in all her drugged up cracked out disco glory. Ever seen her performance at the VMA's? Cause thats what my sister showed me on my second day back. Nasty mc nast.....IN YO FACE. and then i was showed the "bad romance" video to boot. And i was so freaked out....and....then....i....couldnt.....stop WATCHING. And i watched another....and another.....and another! Her powers over came me!!! I wasnt strong enough to resist. and i was seen at my computer for at least 30 min with my eyes glazed over absorbing this media nast. And then i snapped out of it and slammed off the computer as soon as possible and ran away for dear life and hid under my the red blanket on my bed with my stuffed animal that my chinese companion gave me in china with my thumb in my mouth. But then....SHE WAS STILL IN MY MIND. playing over and OVER and OVER... "i want a bad romance", "alejandro, alejandro, alejandroooooo" AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! pray for me. lol