dream

the other night i had a dream.....and you were there.
And these last few weeks i dont ever feel anything....i mean my heart. it never feels. but not like when its in ice water and all numb. its like its just content....beating slow and steady. It never thinks or reacts.....everthing is just streamline all the time. Which is not like me....im not sure if this is the exception or the rule. Because my mission drained up all my emotion.....i just kept pouring and pouring it out of me, and nothing filled it back up. And all the things that make me feel...all my emotion. all of my pain. everthing. it just got swallowed up because someone else was crying, or hurting, or needing part of me. And i ripped out my heart and ripped it to pieces, and gave it away. and then i was running on just the Soul and heart that God gave me, but it felt heavy. too heavy to carry. and i realized that my emotion, my depth that i was carrying around.....i just had to let it go. I had to lay it down. Because my emotion was my own pain.....the baggage of my life that im so proud of. Sometimes i am so proud of my hard things.... i hang on to it as if it makes me special. The things that make me deep....beautiful......emotional. one day i gave it all to the lord. And then i just felt light, and easy, and the deepness in me was just....gone. the PASSION that is emily....gone. And now instead of feeling like a tornado, runnin wild all the time, i just feel like a spring day. In the middle of a snow storm i'd still be smiling...unaffected.

My music teacher once said: Everyone wants to feel. Its why we do everything...because we are searching for it. Yearning to feel SOMETHING. and that is why we crave music. because it moves us. It flows through us and aligns with the wants and needs and emotions of our heart. And when we listen to music we create a certain emotion in us. ANd it might make you feel WILD or passionate, or free, or just make you float away to a different place. That's what i want now....i just want to feel something. I want to feel wild, and dangerous and young. but I'm scared to let this feeling overtake me. Sometimes when my emotions get the best of me, i spin out of control. the safe, organized and responsible missionary in me is fighting this need. I want to feel PASSION and LOVE. even if its raw......i want it. I want to feel my heart break and bleed, hear my own screams reverberating off the walls. I want to feel out of control....why do i want this? NO idea. But maybe its something to do with seeing you......in my dream.
I didn't think i'd feel anything. anything at all. but i did. just like before. i felt the force between us. And i remembered what its like. i wanted more....that scares me.

I'll light you on fire, and watch you burn. But you wont even notice, cause you like the way it hurts.

sister masterson is SAFE
emily is combustible and unpredictable.........
So who am i now?????