my treasure box

Recently i made a necklace for my best friend that i call the "treasure box". Its really beautiful. and i wish that i had taken a picture of it so that i could show you guys. But it had a little crystal that looks like the big mirror that the evil witch looks into on the disney version of snow white. Ya know when she's like "Mirror Mirror on the wall..." and all that jazz. Yeah well it had that, along with a firey orange crystal and a purple pearl hanging from it on a really pretty double stranded chain. And it just reminded me of a treasure box. Especially the clash of the blazing crystal and the smooth pearl. Kind of like the clash within all of us. But which part wins?

today I was reading my friend's note about how she needs to 'move on' from her mission...But i wrote that she should just tuck it away in her heart, and when ever she needs it she can just pull it out and look at it, draw strength from it, remember it. And it reminded me of myself, of my own heart. And of all the little things that are tucked away in there. Its my treasure box and i hide so many things in this box that i hide from the world. Things that i hold dear that im afraid to let go of. LIke the night my first love kissed me. The day I saw my first baptism. The friends that are far from me now. The moments from my childhood that our family didn't feel so broken, and we celebrated just being together. The first time i heard my favorite song. The day I opened my mission call....and how I cried on the front lawn for like an hour that night. My trip to london. The night on my mission after curfew that I thought I might die because my heart was breaking so much, and I looked down and saw the message on the floor from God. The notes that my sister used to write me when I was away at work at Sonic. So many moments in my treasure box. And its times like these that I pull them out and stroke them, remember them like when you find a little memory at the bottom of a drawer, and you just pause and let your mind go to the place that it takes you. And sometimes you don't want to come back. And I try to remember who I was in those moments. And how it was so easy and yet so hard for my heart to love. And it makes me wonder how i could be so confused about who i am. And why I don't want to belong to someone. Because I have God so close to my heart, it seems as if that's all I need. But I think i need more than that. But still no one reaches for the treasure box. Doesn't anyone care whats in there??? . so it lies untouched. And some nights Im too afraid to open it myself. Afraid for the way that my heart beats and the sting i get from reminiscence. Sometimes Im just afraid of the future. Is it ok to admit that? There, I said it. IM AFRIAD. And it makes me latch my heart up tight. Why am i like that? Why does human kind need to pretend complacency to cover up the fact that we CARE about something? Because I do care. I want people to love me, not because the box seems nice. But for whats inside.