i can do hard things

Sometimes our lives come to a fork in the road when we realize that we can either travel right-and stay on the foot path, or go left and forge our way through the fiery forest that stretches over the hills of life. The foot path gets you to the next town so that you can buy food and see friends and family. Its fairly long, and tiresome, but also brainless. You trod on with one foot in front of the other for miles and miles, with the same horizon in sight for days.
In the fiery forest you might come across jungle beasts, 10 legged tarantulas that try to eat your face, and swinging vines blocking your terrain. But At the top of that mountain is the most spectacular view that you have ever encountered. It fills your soul with light and warmth and goodness, and just makes you feel full. And you look back through the forest at what you've overcome and realize that you are stronger and wiser, and humbled at how small we are in this life, but how great in magnitude at the same time. Is it worth it?

I believe that my life is a novel. But what kind? Is it a romance....mmmm i think not thus far. A horror story? not likely. Mystery? Drama? short story? what about a self help? "My life: motivation to avoid impulsive decisions and just plain dumb mistakes" lol. Whatever literature i may be, i believe in foreshadowing. Its real, and its god's idea of irony in our lives.

6 Years earlier:

Im at temple square on vacation with my family. We would go on vacation to Utah.....so funny. We are walking around, going into all of the little historic houses, taking EVERY tour possible so that my step dad can ask more questions than you ever believed existed. In house #2 there is a beautiful sister with long dark hair from Colorado. I'm 16, and this tour is boring. Why do i need to know EVERY detail about this? I wont even remember tomorrow. and why.....
Sister with dark hair speaks:

"So....have you ever thought about going on a mission?"
is she talking to me???? ....
"Um, no. I dont think so."
"well i never wanted to either"
"...(hmm).....well what are you doing here?"
"I prayed about it. and eventually i felt so incredibly strongly that i needed to go, that i knew it was what God wanted me to do. So here i am, and its the most incredible thing i have ever done."
(hmmm again) "wow."

After london, my life changed. The best parts about the trip were the things that were free. Getting to know people and learning from them. Loving my roommates, teaching the young women. Meeting revolutionary individuals in italy who love life and devourer it as if they can never get enough. Money does not bring joy to my life. Things do not bring joy to my life. Pride does not bring joy to my life. People and service and the gospel do. I lived in a room with 11 other girls for 2 months with no dating, no cell phone, no computer, no car, and no alone time. And it was one of the happiest times of my life.

When i was 21 i thought about a mission....it crossed my mind. But I never wanted to give up dating and my cool clothes and my cell phone to go walk around and talk to people. But now...im getting it. The point of life and of joy. And while there the idea of a mission crossed my mind as amazing.
I come back....it keeps coming to my mind over and over and over. Wow....the thought of it is inspiring instead of just plain hard. I meet an amazing sister "its the best experience of my life." i meet another amazing sister: "i cringe at the thought of what i would be like if i hadnt gone." i meet another amazing sister: " i would give anything to go again.." What is happening.....my thoughts seem all jumbled with confusion. The mission keeps coming to my mind "you should go now....nothing is tying you to provo". WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!! leave provo? i must be mad. But i keep thinking about it, and praying about it, and thinking about it.

Im in sacrament meeting, and every single speaker starts to talk about how their mission. I"ts amazing; everyone should go; it changed my life." Im about to have a melt down when: a wave washes over me. I am encompassed with internal warmth but my brain is screaming:

You must go. and you must go now.

ummmm, say what? no....i cant do that. Did that happen? no, i dont think it did.
Then, for a whole week after that: "you have to go. you have to go. you have to go......."
I feel like tennis balls are bouncing off my brain.....NO. i am not doing this God. LEAVE ME ALONE.
"you have to go, you have to go, you have to go"
no i dont.
THEN: my life falls apart. everything falls through. And after a week of resisting, i accept my fate.

I am terrified, but i know this. I can do hard things. and i'll prove it.