Things i just need to say.......

For the 2.5 people that actually read my blog, I recently changed it alot. It was neglected for a long time while I was out searching for myself in the big big world. And one day I decided to re-visit it, so I clicked on it and waited for it to pull up. at first the link didn't work, which I took to be symbolic irony. Kind of like when you are tryin' to be friends with someone and you click the "let me in" button, and then you just wait, knowing that some day they will open up. But you might have to wait while first just the blank page pulls up but nothing else, and then one by one the little boxes fill in so that you can see the whole picture. People are like this to me.....yes they are like web pages that take forever to load because my internet is crappy. I dig for people, and I try to fill in all of their pieces until I can see who they really are.

Well this one day, my blog just didn't feel right when it FINALLY did load. It needed a big change, just like me. The first thing that came to my mind was "beautiful disaster". Now I know that this is a song by Kelly Clarkson from FOREVER ago. Lets just be clear that my blog is not named after Kelly's song. The beautiful disaster is my life.

Lately I feel very RESTLESS. My friend brooklyn and I were talking about this the other day and it made me realize my restlessness in full. Because before I know I had it, but I hadn't given it a diagnosis. As of late my mind seems to be flying in a million different directions, and i grab it and try to make it sit still and concentrate, much in the way that you discipline a naughty child. But it just WON'T. I think about people that I love and that I want to love me. I think about life. I think about summer, I think about the places that I want to run away to, and about books and other things that will fulfill me more than what I am doing right NOW. And then I wonder, why I'm not happy with my life right now?

I have so many happy moments. I have so many people that love me. I try my best to do what's right, even though I could be so much better at this I know. And so I look within myself to see where my void is.

And I think the void is me. Within my mask, or my facade. Within my fear. I'm working on it. But stuck within my mind I seem to be in my own world and I don't even realize that my homework is due, or that people called me. And my life starts to turn into this disaster that is just blowing to and fro without an anchor grounding me to my responsibilities. RESTLESSNESS. And before I know it i've spent my homework time looking at Anthropologie catalogues or reading posts from my best friends' blog hoping that I will feel SOMETHING. or passing mindless chat with people only to realize that it is midnight and my crap still isn't done. This mess is ridiculous people.

But the search that I constantly undertake is a noble one. I think the search for one's true self and the ambition to unveil it to the world is the struggle of many people. Because we all just want someone to know who we really are. Human kind NEEDS expression. Expression of Self, love, ambitions, passions, and emotion. And I think this is where my music comes into my life. While I was gone I forgot why I am a musician. I forgot why I need music in my life. I mean, I was so shut off from music for so long that I came back to a chaotic jumble of new artists, sounds, and beats that just didn't quite make sense at first. This musical chaos seemed like an unknown black hole to me, and therefore I just convinced myself that I'm bad at it so that I wouldn't have to deal with trying to go back to being SO SO good at music like all of those kids at school are. Convincing myself I hated my major was easier than the daunting task of going back into it. But music is expression. And I need that right now. Writing is expression, and that is why I write this blog. Not to be all funny and sarcastic, or just talk about random happenings in my life, or to tell you about food. (Which I will occasionally write about, don't get me wrong) This blog is a glimpse into ME. It is the expression of my soul, my life, my emotions, my struggles, and my triumphs. And while I feel like a disaster and even feel really vulnerable at times, I NEED this. When I am vulnerable, I know I am being brave. Because I choose not to hold up a mask.

I am also a woman of multiple personalities. And that confuses me.

Personality #1 Heartfelt. This part of me talks to my missionaries, and teaches them about the Gospel and about how God can fill up our voids. This is heartfelt Emily, and no one else except the missionaries really sees me like this because it makes me feel vulnerable. Do you ever feel like sometimes when you speak, the words aren't your own and you are just moving your mouth, but the things that are coming out are so powerful, like beyond the power of yourself. This is how I feel when I talk about the gospel. And the feeling of love lodges itself so deeply in my heart that I can't feel anything else.

Personality #2. Fun Loving: I like to think that I am pretty funny sometimes, even though i'm probably just dumb. I love to act like an idiot!! It's just really entertaining to me to do stupid stuff, and watch people laugh. I love to laugh! Its one of the only times that I can feel that everything else that I'm thinking about or worrying about melts away and I am really me.

Personality #3: Professional: At school I have to speak with professors all the time about classes, or about the club that I am the president of. I don't really like acting like this but I am good at pulling it off, and faking like I know what I'm doing. Because of this personality, I think some people might be intimidated by me.

Personality #4: Sarcastic. When i get into this mode, it spreads through me like fire and I am completely different. Because sarcastic me has alot of the old, colder me in it. When It comes, it feels familiar and comfortable so I figure that it must be part of the real me. Personality #4 Judges people. It acts like it is better than everyone else. Personality #4 Is intimidating. It is not afraid to mouth off, or run red lights, or just do whatever it wants. It's filled with young energy and nostalgia of moments of greatness. She also doesn't care about what anyone thinks or about their feelings, which is where she gets her feeling of power from. She doesn't let herself need anyone, not even God. Despite how bad this sounds, a lot of people really like her. This personality confuses me alot. And when it takes over it feels good, and in control. But afterwards I know why sarcastic me is not the real me. Because she is not real. Her confidence is fake and protects her from letting people see that she struggles, and that she is sometimes insecure and easily hurt. She comes out when we want to hide. This personality just feels so different from personality #1, and I wonder how so many different sides can be within one person!?

Needless to say, coming home from a mission has really thrown me up in the air, and given me a chance to grow, along with alot of room for self discovery. Maybe this is just a life long process for me. But whenever I think about this I know that everything that I am going through is for a reason. And therefore, It's beautiful to me. All of the moments that I felt like I might never be normal again, or the tears that I've cried; the friends that i have because of it, or my fearful moments that people will not accept me; all of the millions of mistakes that I have made. I would never change any of it. Not for a second. This is who I am at this point in my life. I'm thankful.

The love of my life!!!!

Alright alright I feel a need to post something good so that the first thing people see when they come to my blog isn't expletives (see below post). Therefore, I am going to tell you about today: THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!! I like to be dramatic so i'm using all caps.
What's good about today my friends? WELL for starters i literally felt my soul thawing out as i walked across campus doing the many things that a busy girl such as I would do. I was walking to the travel agent's office to get my ticket to china for the fall....which isn't cheap by the way. I walk into the office and there are a bunch of kids just haphazardly standing around. I say "is there a line? line anyone?" No response. So i walk straight up to the lady's cubicle. Then some shaggy looking kid with his hair brushed in his face looks up from studying his shoes or whatever to say "umm, this is the line. That's why I said 'line's here' like multiple times." Speak up kid....THIKING things don't count as saying them in the real world. :) your words obviously didn't even make it out of your mouth past your 90's bangs. So i parked myself on the bench just outside the office to wait. Then, right at that moment I look up to see...the most glorious thing I have ever seen on a warm thursday afternoon ever in my whole life....

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. yes that's right. less than 10 feet away from my grasp.

In the bottom of a lady's stroller parked right in front of me were boxes and BOXES of sensuously thin minty goodness! I freaked out and seriously thought about kifing(?) them right out of the stroller and makin' a break for it. But then I thought that the lady looked pretty butch, and might catch me and beat me to a pulp if i tried to run away with her kid's cookies. Sitting there looking at those cookies... i was about to go insane. My primal instinct to eat cookies was so strong at that point that i would have shanked an infant for those cookies. So i just blurted it out:

ohmygoshwheredidyougetthosecookies?????????

"i'm selling them! would you like some?"

"ummmm YES. CHAAA! I will buy every box you've got"

unfortunately I only had about $10 cash on me, and it was a miracle from Jesus that I even had that. And when I say a miracle, i'm not being sacrilegious. I needed those cookies for my SOUL. Homegirl with the baby stroller saved my soul today. Halleluia!!!! I purchased one box of Tagalongs, one Thin Mint, and one Samoa. I will insert a picture as proof.

Now here I am, excited to have the love of my life back in my arms. This is a tender moment.



lots of other great things happened today too.....like when I found 5 more dollars in my wallet after the cookie incident. YAY! Except I was kind of pissed cause I could have bought more cookies!! I actually got my practicing in for the day, which i HAVE to do so that I don't look like a complete idiot at my upcoming recital. I saw some of my best friends! I blew off homework AGAIN....and then just embraced the fact that my brain is almost complete mush and almost useless. which must be why i've lost my phone like EVERYWHERE lately and always do other totally ditzy blonde stuff like put my baby powder in the freezer without thinking. Yikes! ALSO, my room had a birthday EXPLOSION!!!!



good thing I didn't die......

BEST DAY EVER! Ok not ever, but still pretty good. birthday updates forthcoming with PICTURES!!!!!

Bad Day

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I'm kinda pissed at life right now...........if you couldn't tell. AND while i'm venting you know what i HATE? I hate it when people call you because of whatever reason (hang out/date/bug you about stupid group projects/etc) and after they say bye they say this:

"Ok we'll see ya!"

OK.....you will see WHO??? Pretty sure it's JUST me here!? What the crap? And "we" is just YOU. did I accidently call a business or something!?? Thanks for capitalizing on our relationship to get personal gain JERK.

Oh and I hate boys that wear skinnier pants than me.
And I hate the girl that lives above me that always plays DDR earrrrrly in the morning when I'm trying to sleep!

I HATE EVREYONE RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWW. Ok not everyone.....but UGH!!!!!!

What's this!?

So I've taken a pretty recent over-obsession with YouTube Videos. I have tons of favorites but here's one that just makes me smile :)
"WHAT'S THIS???" I love the puppet too....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1Cy09VFETg

I NEED MORE YOUTUBE......post your fave video please!!!!

Hunger Games

I am shafting my homework for THIS:


I'm so stoked! My life is so happy right now! i eat soo well! I go out with friends i love! I exercise. I sleep. I dance. I practice my craft and I am beginning to love it again! I have cut the nast out of my life. I pray, I sing, i laugh, i love, and I READ!
B's get degrees, but women who go crazy from too much stressing over school and not enough lovin to their soul DON'T.

Wish me luck. Hope I pass the semester.