beautiful disaster

Thanks Sister Brown.....

2012-01-24T13:54:00.001-07:00

This story was sent to me by my beautiful best friend.

A woman visiting a local department store was shopping for her two daughters. She saw these beautiful wooden music boxes, hand carved on the outside and on the inside was a ballerina who twirled in front of a mirror while the music played. They were perfect and she knew her two daughters would love them at Christmas time. It was still a few months away but she decided to buy one for each of them. She stood for a moment debating which size to buy, and finally decided on two of the large boxes.

She was excited as she took her purchase to the register. She knew her daughters would cherish these boxes. But just before she got up to the counter, she remembered it was her neice's birthday in a few weekends, and she would need to pick out a present for her. She quickly went back to the music boxes and picked out one of the small ones.

That night as she put her daughters to bed, she told them she'd brought home a present for their cousin's birthday. They asked what it was and before she could finish explaining, the youngest burst into tears. She was about 3 years old. "But you can't give her that!" she said. "That's what I've always wanted!" She asked if she could see the box.

Her Mother showed it to her and she was distraught. It was so beautiful and it wasn't for her. Her tears were sincere. She tried to pull herself together for a good half hour-- but couldn't seem to stop crying. This was all a little comical for her mother, who knew what was in store for her in only a month or so. "Don't worry," she said. "You never know, you might get a music box for Christmas or your birthday, maybe even a better one!"

"But this one is perfect," she sobbed.

"It's beautiful... there isn't a better one..."

This is how it works when we battle for our will over God's will. We are often distraught with our present circumstances, especially when we compare our lives to our friends and neighbors. But Heavenly Father has something in store for all of us, experiences and lessons and even gifts that he has specifically selected for us because he knows us and he knows what we need.

Yes, Yes he does.

My right now....

2011-11-07T08:39:00.002-07:00

Let me paint you a little picture of my life.

Last week i stood on the great wall of CHINA. My life is amazing!

tomorrow I will have to regurgitate 75 chinese characters. Bring it on.

Right now, I want the whole dang anthropologie catalog for Christmas. Oh please Santa, Please!

I'm listening to "Marry you" by the glee cast. Go figure. I also can't wait to go see their new movie when I get back, and bust my lungs out. Cause lets be honest, you don't watch glee for the inventive plot line.

The help is probably the best book i've read in a LONG time. Southern hospitality and old south civil rights drama? YES please.

I know that alot of people miss me. I come home in one month. Dog days are over soon!

SLEEP. SLEEP. SLEEP. Thats what my brain is telling me right now. doooog tired. I had class all day and had to run the musical practice for the Chinese singing competition that i'm in. China meets Glee......that could get scary.

I'm going to be better at updating my blog. I'm going to be better at updating my blog. I'm going to be better a........shiz who am i kidding. ;P

Secrets....

2011-10-17T01:57:00.001-06:00

Mr. Wong

2011-10-17T00:50:00.002-06:00

I have class every day from 8-12. First block is Mr. Wong. We call him Wong Teacher. He wears the same kakhi pants to work every day along with some black sandals that show his toes. He always walks into class with a clear thermos in his hands. Not that I ever see him walk into class....due to i'm a slacker and always show up to class about 5 min late. -__- Today's excuse was my bike got a flat tire.

Inside this thermos contains yellow liquid with an array of long plants floating up from the bottom. I swear that man is drinking the ocean in a glass, with the sea weed stretching up, swaying in the murky water. Sea in a glass.....maybe we should market that mess in America! And maybe I should remember to refrain from telling him that his drink looks like the ocean that my little brother used to pee in when we went to South Padre every year. Noted.

Mr Wong is about as old school chinese professor as they get. Every day he picks up the chalk. Writes about a million chinese words on the board.

His chalk breaks in half.

He keeps using it.

It breaks again.

Small pieces of the chalk cling to the board and slowly slide down down DOWN, refusing defeat in the eyes sudden death like so many other pieces of chalk that have not been as lucky. I'm looking at the board. he's looking at me peering through square spectacles that make his eyes look at least three times larger than they really are. "do you understand? Do you understand Fuh Zi Min?(thats my name)" I nod my head as my eyes trace the chalk inching its way down the board. He turns back to the black board and writes another word that I can't read because lets be honest, I just can't pay attention for that long.

Chalk breaks again.

.....Every day for two hours.

He can be very hilarious too.....like the day he started teaching us naughty words. Or when the boys get him to go on an hour long tangent about soccer during class, and he doesn't even realize that he has rambled for an hour. Or when he is trying to use the new vocabulary in an example:

Grammar Principle: Not up to standard. Example: I don't know why Emily's chinese is not up to standard. She's been studying for a whole year. bleh

Here's what happens to my mind....

"I freaking miss AMERICA! all i want is PIZZA people. Can't you get over the cost and realize I need this for my SOUL"

"I hope that zit on my face hasn't gotten bigger....."

"I wonder what the conversion from Kilos to pounds is....the dr. said I am 55 Kilos? What if pounds are like THREE TIMES AS MUCH!? OH NO!"

"Blah blah blah....what are we talking about again? FOCUS Emily FOCUS"

" Man, I need some better dance moves. I never did learn how to dougie. Maybe I should do that after school?

"I should have gotten more sleep last night....why do i ALWAYS do this to myself! But at least sleep was sacrificed all in the name of the A I just got on that Quiz!"

"Wonder what I should eat for lunch after this.....I really want Pizza. I can't have pizza. Ok noodles. More noodles."

"Is this class almost over? OH only 23 min left!"

And that is why I need sweet liberation from distraction. Because everyone in my class is better at Chinese than me. Probably because they aren't thinking about pizza all the time.....or are they?

Hello, I am Human. What's your name?

2011-10-16T23:49:00.004-06:00

I miss my blog.

We humans are interesting creatures i've decided. FOR EXAMPLE: I love this blog. I miss it dearly, yet every time I view my own blog to see who has updated theirs, I can't quite look it straight in the face. my eyes skim over the top of it as if i'm looking at it, but not clearly. This abates my guilt until the next time, which leads my guilt to only grow further.

I have. so. much. to say. And by so much to say, I mean so much I have NO IDEA how to say. So I say nothing. I am a human and I am nuts. Therefore these silent months are the victim of several paragraphs that have been re-cut and unpasted countless times because I can't decide what to tell you about my life. I can't decide what you want to hear about. Should I take my stories of chinese children pooping in th

e streets and eloquently recount them for you here? Or Is there value in my daily rambling? Not decided....stay tuned.

I hate waiting. I hate waiting at the airport for the plane to come. I hate waiting for my dumplings to be boiled when I'm hungry. I hate waiting on boys. Waiting for them to come around. Waiting for them to call. Waiting for them to realize the best thing they never had. I think you hate waiting too.

Hi welcome to Mcdonalds! What would you like? Oh that will be ready in about 2 weeks....you can wait right??? Whi

ch leads me to my point. We are living in a delayed gratification culture in an instant gratification world.

There is always one boy...I see him and I get stuck. and I think

YOU ARE MY PLAN OF ACTION.......until I am blown off.

Then I find a new plan of action. Or at least try to pretend like I found a new plan of action.

did it work.....?

We try to cover up our feelings. We don't say what we mean. What kind of ridiculous species extends delayed gratification when

what we all want here is INSTANT GRATIFICATION. "Hurry back home to me from China woman.....i'm itchin' to watch some modern family!" Which really means, I miss you and really want to see you, and don't really care if we watch anything as planned. But i'm not going to say that because it doesn't sound cool or funny.

Boy likes girl, but boy doesn't want girl to know. So he thinks, I better not talk to her too much. I'd better not let her know. Maybe only a little bit, so she'll be really confused as to why I don't look her in the eyes some days,

but sit really close to her during movies when she's cold.

**?????***

Maybe I don't want to be human. Maybe I should turn into a spirit animal like a panda or something. YEAH, a Panda! I'm cute and cuddly. And i've gained about 10lb from all the delicious noodlesand fried rice i've been enjoying. I'm starting to look a little like i'm preparing for hybernation. And no I don't regret that. Booyah.

glimpses of China

2011-09-09T04:43:00.003-06:00

These are some photos from the most beautiful places in China! While China def has its ups and downs, the people here are some of the sweetest you will ever get to meet! This woman in the picture above: she comes from a village of long haired women that wash their hair with rice, no joke. Its so long she wraps it around her head like a turban. The mountains of Guilin were also especially gorgeous. I'm so lucky to live in such a beautiful place!

USA

2011-09-06T06:56:00.004-06:00

Hello from Sunny Nanjing China! I hope you know that I miss you America. If you ever want to appreciate the USA, just move away for awhile :)

Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing in China. Actually I wonder that every single day lately.

A long time ago I went on a study abroad to London. It was one of the best times of my life. I never thought about anything else, much less home. I soaked it all in, and I had THE time of my life seeing all the art museums, the musicals, and of course Mozarts grave and shakespeares Globe.

This study abroad is a little bit different. I served my mission in Hong Kong, and I remember getting home sick. But I loved my life. And I loved the people. I mostly just remember sinking into it the best that I could, and grabbing on to every chance I could get to speak the language and talk about the church. The purpose of it pushed me forward. but now....I feel a little lost.

I am a student of Mandarin in China. And China is just so much different than I ever thought. Its dirty. Its crowded. lots of people try to steal from you on a daily basis. In fact my teacher just came back from running, and her phone was stolen from underneath a tree where she hid it. Everyone stares SHAMELESSLY. When people look at us, I can literally SEE the dollar signs in their eyes. it makes me sad sometimes, and I probably get asked at least 5 times a day to take pictures with people. Now i know how celebrities feel lol...ok thats a little exaggerated but you get the point. I don't know many of the other kids that are here with me well, and to be honest some of them drive me a little nuts.

I'll admit I miss my family, and my friends. And I miss provo and life that i'm used to. I'll admit that I REALLY REALLY miss a good American In and Out burger. I could REALLY use some good Mexican food and maybe a hug from my mom right now. And losing my debit card was the icing on this 'missing America' day. But you know what, there has to be something beautiful about this place, and i'm GOING to find it.

I'm trying to remember the reason that i came here in the first place: to learn Mandarin. It's never been something that I felt extremely ambitious to do, but when I was on my mission, I strongly felt that someday (maybe in my life time) the missionaries WILL enter China. And I want me and my family to have a part in that. And somehow, this language is going to come in handy sometime in my life. I just know it.

Yeah I think its time for an update....

2011-08-25T04:38:00.004-06:00

Welcome to the life of someone who is a complete and put together straight up DISASTER. I am a woman that changes her mind alot. I am known to follow my emotions on a whim, or along any path that my heart might lead me without question. I know that this kind of personality drives some people nuts (my mom, bless her soul). But its who I am. I just can't change.

So let me update you on my life. About sometime in October last year I decided that I wanted to find a program to study abroad somewhere in China. And after looking at a gajillion programs, I finally decided on BYU's Nanjing study abroad this Fall semester. I felt good about it, and everything else just worked itself out! I've been taking Mandarin classes all last year and through this summer, and somehow I made it through to Advanced 301 level: high enough to go on the study abroad. So yes, to answer your question, right now I am in CHINA.

I think i'm pretty lucky. This is my second study abroad since i've been an undergrad. The first time I went on the London program to study art before my mission, and ever since I've had kind of a permanant travel itch. But living on the road and out of a suitcase can be tiring after awhile, so this will probably be my last excersion, at least for awhile.

Last week I headed out from Salt lake City on a 24 hour trek to Hong Kong with 3 other girls. Let me back up a little bit. Our study abroad program is in Nanjing China, and there are 24 of us going to study advanced mandarin at the Nanjing Univeristy for 4 months. But a bunch of people wanted to see Hong Kong before we went, so of course I was oblidged to be a little bit of a guide for them in the City that I love so much.

When we flew into the harbor, this is what I saw from my window. One of the most beautiful sights i've ever seen: the HK skyline. And I realized how much I love and missed Hong Kong. My heartstrings felt kind of tender when we got off the plane and into the airport, and I just heard Cantonese everywhere. Now, Hk is a great industrial city. Its a city of beautiful beaches and tons of tourist sights. But thats not why I love it. At the end of the day it's just a city. But what I love about it are the people. I love how rough they are, and how raw and honest they can be, because I feel the same way. And once you get to know them and love them, they just melt into the most loving and helpful and interesting people i've ever known. Just while I was in HK, so many members came with me and my friends to show us around, and took us out to eat, and were so concerned about my life and education and how the "dating" was going lol. It broke my heart a little bit, or alot, to leave. And this brings me back to my point that leaving people is HARD. It is probably one of the hardest things for me. Missing people is my least favorite emotion of all time. And just leaving for these few months for this study abroad has been pretty rough on my heart just in the last few weeks. I miss my friends dearly and I miss my family. And i know that people are busy: its hard for them to always remember me when they have so many things that they are doing. But I never forget the people that I love: NEVER. Not in Hong Kong, or at home. Well, this is my update....more with pictures tonight! :)

Kung Foo

2011-06-28T23:55:00.002-06:00

Ok so sorry that I suck so much at posting. So much for every day. But guess what, a couple weeks ago I went to the Provo farmers market and I saw a booth with some signs for martial arts. Well, what you might not know about me is that I have a passion for wrestling and getting out physical agression. I like to throw things and play fight with my friends. I have even beat some girls that are quite larger than I am! Anyways, when I saw this guy I just couldn't help myself. And he offered me a deal to try out their martial arts center at 3 classes a week plus a private lesson and the little robe thing all for one month, for less than $50! Sounds like a deal to me! So I did it!!!! And viola, today was my first day of kung foo class.

Now, you may not know that kung foo masters have serious standards. You cannot enter the floor without putting on your kung foo robe and belt. You MUST also bow before stepping on to the floor, and bow when stepping off. Class starts and ends with meditation. we did alot of push ups, dance like stretches (all 3 splits and various other poses.....I felt embarrassed because i've pretty much completely lost my splits now :/ ) And THEN we got to the good stuff.....beating each other up! In my class there are only like 8 of us, and the 'Sense'. Yup, that's legit. There is a sense. Then he taught us pretty much how to get someone off of you that comes up to you and grabs your shirt to beat you up. The moves were in about 5 parts and we practiced them over and over. I kind of feel like an expert in that area now. I even got out of a big strong boy's strong-hold! There are 2 other girls in my class, so naturally I am their partners. They are both very nice and pretty strong. I think I said "ouch" at least 5 times while they were practicing on me, purely out of instinct. However, these girls are very devout of the rules of kung foo-ism and so when I started to take my belt off at the end of class, they immediately started hissing at me "kneel!....KNEEL!" I guess you can only take your belt off when you kneel lol. Man this stuff is so asian. Welp, till next time....can't wait till I get to beat more people up!!!

some entertainment for ya

2011-06-23T11:08:00.004-06:00

So has anyone noticed lately that movie stars lately seem to feel the need to make all of their videos into mini motion pictures?? Well, here's three that i've watched lately and find pretty entertaining.

"Last Friday Night" -This video is 8 min long, but worth the watch. Katy Perry in head gear is something that I just can't pass up. Also, the cameo appearance of Kenny G is priceless. I also like the video because compared to the lyrics of the song, its not nast. Beware of the credits though lol

"Next to you" by Chris Brown and Justin Bieber. This song is just SO GOOD! I discovered it last week when some friend found it on my ipod and i didn't even know it was on there. However, the random kidnap scene, strange explosions, tribal dancing and Chris Brown's awkward "i love you" are pretty good for a laugh. Its a twisted video, but it keeps my interest.

Yesterday some random friend just started singing this song, and I was like HOLY CRAP! Celine Dion is SO old school! I am not her biggest fan I admit, but I find this song a fun blast from the past, and pretty cheezy...esp the "there were moments of gold and there were flashes of light!" line. Haha enjoy!

Lost Boys

2011-06-23T00:14:00.005-06:00

This blog definitely has its name for a reason. Lately i feel like my life is becoming a complete disaster, due to school and work. I am currently working 2 jobs. Ok will the second one is just a little one. I am teaching Cantonese to the little mishes at the MTC 5 days a week. And I now teach at a Mandarin preschool every Monday and Wednesday from 10:30 to 12. So not even a big deal. But its my first job at a real legit SCHOOL!! I can't tell you how grown up that makes me feel!!! I am also taking a mandarin class in the mornings, and a Mandarin Teaching class in the afternoons. So much Chinese in my life right now!!! And sometimes its hard to switch between the two languages. Today I got a new batch of missionaries and we have this new thing where we ONLY speak to them in the language for the first few days. Its really hard but really fun! I carry a white board around with me and write the romanization/english meanings on it while I speak to them. Today we had them introduce themselves and tell about their family, where they are from, and their hobbies. They learned how to say all of that in less than 2 hours!!! It was really amazing and let me say that I feel privileged to work there. Those missionaries are so precious and work so hard. It makes me love being a teacher, seeing how they push themselves. And today we got 12 new ones!!! It was crazy but I loved the energy that was in the classroom and all of their testimonies were things like "I know I want to be here and I can't wait to go and do the Lord's work". Man missionaries like this make me just love my job. Here is a little picture that my last missionaries drew me when they left. I'm the one on the far right! Its hard to let go of your students after 3 months. They promised me they would return with honor :)

Well today at the Mandarin preschool we had a grand ole time playing red light green light outside! The weather was great and it was fun to watch those little guys run around and just be innocent fun loving kids. They sometimes even hold my hand while we are playing! PRESH! But once we got back to the classroom I noticed that 3 of my favorite little boys were missing......and I asked the other teacher and she was like "they were here today!?" Ummm yeah.

So off I went on my hunt to look for the lost boys. I checked the bathrooms. I checked the halls. I went outside and saw nothing but a huge school like field with playground and moms off in the distance playing with their kids. I wondered if maybe their moms had picked them up early? But then that didn't seem like a very feasable option either. You can probably imagine the panic that was starting to go through my mind at this point. I started hunting around the grounds when finally I heard some squeaky little voices up in a big elm tree and there they were, hiding out thinking they were pretty clever. And in the preschool we only speak Mandarin to the kids but I went all MOM on their butts and just blurted out "YOU BOYS GET DOWN HERE NOW! YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!!" Obviously I was not this upset about it.....I mean boys will be boys :) But still, I wanted them to understand that they can't just run away like that! I mean what if I had never found them? what would the parents say? Well they followed me all the way around to the front of the school where I made them point out which cars belonged to their mothers, and I went up and talked to each one of them. And when I came back to the curb where the boys were sitting, i found them all bawling their eyes out! too afraid to aproach their mothers. OMG can you say ADORABLE?? I felt so guilty for being so hard on them though and hope they don't hate me next wednesday because I really love those little guys! I have to say, little kids are def growing on me.

here's to visiting teaching.

2011-06-22T00:35:00.006-06:00

So, many of you have heard of visiting teaching before. Its where another girl from relief society may or may not come over and talk to you once a month. She may offer her friendship, or advice in time of need. She may even offer her help when needed with moving or being sick, etc. Well I would just like to say that visiting teaching is inspired for sure. For a long long time my visiting teachers never came. But after my mish I guess God knew that I would need some rockin women to come and rock my world!

Here is my very first and only visiting teacher that ever came pre mish! (kinda sad :/) Her name is Drea. Short for Andrea. She took me under her wing during a summer when i was stuck in Provo, pretty bored and lonely. This girl is hilarious and fun and also very genuine. She took me with her on a trip to Winnemucka Nevada with her 2 step brothers. One of them, Tyler, became probably the best guy friend that I have ever had!!! And we had so many good times over the years. Yup all that started with visiting teaching.

The visiting teacher from this past year was one of my favorites. Her name is Megan and she served in Taiwan and we would talk for hours about our different missions. We would even talk about how much we loved our jade bracelets that random little Chinese people gave us, and she cried with me when mine broke lol :) She went shopping with me for ugly MTC skirts and she likes jamming to Justin Bieber too. She was one of the first women I actually liked after coming home from a mission. and I really needed that cause she is rad. And sometimes I am rad too.

Well, the universe has truly outdone itself because I really have the best visiting teacher of all time now. My visiting teacher rocks my socks off. She has the best taste in music of anyone I know. And the best style. WHY does that matter you ask? Well, when you are an RM my friends, you need all the help and mix CDs you can get :). I think she is probably the best looking visiting teacher i've ever had, and that's really sayin' somethin'! She brings me pumpkin cookies and goes to the park with me when I need to study. My visiting teacher is so devoted to me that she even stands by me in various annoying clubs in school that I have to be the president of. She came to my birthday party and out to get fro yo with me when I turned 2_. She has the best nerd laugh of anyone I know and definitely gives the best advice of any visiting teacher that I have ever had. If I could find a "I heart my visiting teacher" shirt and wear it around Provo, I probably would. Obvi. The last few days i've been a little emotional/doubting myself. And OF COURSE-she came over! And she talked to me-and i spilled my guts and she gave me oh so wise and beyond her years advice that made my heart feel so warm. The "everything is going to be ok in the end" kind of advice. And if it's not ok, then its not the end! I am serious folks, you have never had a visiting teacher this good. There is no other woman around here with a heart as warm and a spirit as strong as this woman. My visiting teacher even takes me with her on road trips to California :D Sure is lucky when your best friend ends up as your visiting teacher. :) :) :)

Love you Emileigh.

Moral of the st0ry? Visiting teachers really do make a difference. I promise.

personal museum.

2011-06-22T00:31:00.003-06:00

alright guys: here is day 2 of the daily posts! Ever wanted to have your own museum?

try this link: http://www.intel.com/museumofme/r/index.htm

pretty sweet

RSS

2011-06-21T00:42:00.006-06:00

Dear Readers,

guess what! in honor of my sucking at blogging, I have made a new goal. I am going to post at least something EVERY day for the next month. I actually really love blogging and feel good about getting some stuff out of my heart and into the open space since I really fail at writing in my journal. And I think this will make my posts alot more enjoyable for all of you because lets be honest, when I don't post for awhile, my posts are LONG. And I know many people would rather read a short to the point post with lots of pictures. But what am I saying...this is MY blog! So if you don't like my lack of pictures and excess of words, get the crap off here!

Ok here's today's post folks. Its about hand bags. Boys i'm very sorry I made you waste a minute of your life to read to this point lol. But I am going to be honest with you, in a lot of ways I am not a girls girl. I don't spend tons of time looking at clothes or accessories online. When I actually go shopping to an actual store I have to make myself think and re-think about what I buy and try on and re-try on before I buy something. Now I don't do this because I am OCD or because I can't decide. This ritual also makes anyone who shops with me completely miserable, but inherently has become my defense mechanism against restless shoppers syndrome. Now, what is RSS you ask? This condition is most commonly found among white middle class females and among almost all asians. Sufferers of RSS buy the first thing they see that looks sparkly, or cute, or VERY brightly colored, or whatever in the store even if they haven't really looked at it that well or tried it on. It is also the result of just wanting to buy SOMETHING and get the he** out of the store! Women (and some men) that suffer from restless shoppers syndrome often suffer from owning a lot of really ugly clothes, or clothes that go out of style quickly due to being ugly. Restless shoppers are often bamboozled by sparkley/bright colored things things to the point that they are blinded to the true hideousness of the item they are buying. Now, I wasn't always aware that I have restless shopper syndrome, but due to my loving sister, it has become apparent to me that I have a severe case and now have a strict no ruffles-no sparkles-no rhinestones policy. If you think you suffer from RSS, know that there is hope. You CAN beat this. My prescription would be to start looking at a lot of fashion blogs/Jcrew Catalogues.

Now, here is my point. Every bag that I have ever owned, I bought on impulse because it was cute, or had because my mom gave it to me, or i inherited it from my sister. I have never actually spent real money on a purse. This is something that a lot of women obsess over and spend a lot of money on in their lifetimes, but OH NO not me. I would much rather save my money to appease my never ending wander lust. But all that is changing my friends. I have been changing my ways and I decided that I want to buy a bag. An actual bag. Maybe even a nice one that will last. I went to the mall. Both malls actually. Went in every-single-store. FREAK I looked on every online store. I then turned my little sister, the queen of style in desperation. I even bribed her $10 to help me in my search, with no actual intention of paying her real money. (I know I am a horrible sister......but I was desperate). After all of our hunting, little sister found THIS:

This is a nautical bag from Anthropologie that retails for 69.99. It is absolutely adorable and i love the rope straps and the nautical look, which my friend who is also very good at being fashionable, says is 'way in' right now. The inside is even bright red. I love everything about and after looking and looking and looking, I just really want to buy this one. 69.99 isn't even that bad for Anthropologie! This was the prettiest and cheapest bag on their website! However, I have never paid this much for a purse before, nor have I ever intended to. So i'm pretty torn right now. Hopefully i'll make the right decision.....

quad cruisers

2011-06-21T00:00:00.000-06:00

OH hey another post!

I live at a place called Santa Barbara, the complex not the city in California. Now, just to let you get an idea of what this place is like, everyone loves to hang out. There is a grassy place in the middle of our complex called 'the quad'. People like to hang out in there and chat, flirt even if you will, but never make a move because they don't have the........somethings. people here also love to be spastic and spontaneous on purpose, just to make themselves feel youthful. But, planned spontaneity,.....well.....doesn't that defeat the purpose? You catch my drift. There are many people that I like to call "quad cruisers". They hang out in the quad, thinking themselves very 'bad a' and even hipster like. Some of them don't even live here. And I'll have to admit, I think they are pretty cool too, whether it out of admiration or out of jealously or possible disdain, i'm still not sure. But quad crusing status is something that I have yet to embark on, out of personal preference. However, tonight around 11:30 I was on my couch minding my own business and I heard voices....many many voices coming from said quad area. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my couch to see what was the matter. Away to the quad I flew like a flash, tore through the bushes, and arrived at the bash. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a million and one people ive never seen before playing rootbeer pong. And as soon as I got out there, It felt like I was in some new hipster land. There were tables everywhere and guys and girls flirtin' it up and the people from our ward were huddled around in a little corner taking cover from the ruckas. We were invaded by the r. beer pong brigade. And it felt like one of those parties you go to where all the hotties are out and on the prowl for other.....hotties. and the point of the party is to look cool and be young, not really to play ping pong obviously. And when I was out there kinda fenagling around and seeing what was going on, I realized that I was over it. I'm over pretending to be some wanna be hipster and having to be involved in everything for fear of not being accepted. I'm over wearing skanky clothes and fawning over certain boys that get all the attention. I'm sick of having to try so hard to fit in to stupid things like this quad cruiser scene that are so pointless/not at all meaningful to my life! And i realized that its ok that i'm busy and actually have ambitions for my life that don't involve chillin' for hours a day. Its ok that I like to have meaningful conversations instead of talk about TV shows and quote movies all night. Its ok that I don't want to be a quad cruiser and its OK that I am who I am. And it's also ok that quad cruisers are who they are. I feel really good about this realization, and now I need to sleeeeppppppp

oh HI blogging world!

2011-06-15T02:12:00.003-06:00

Life lately has been busy as ever! I am past due for some life updates. Well I went to California last week! My first time ever in San Fran!!! I am almost done with this term, and today was my last day EVER glass blowing. My little missionaries just left the MTC last night and I saw a big white bus cart them away towards the airport (tear). They grow up so fast! And I also took a second little gig working at a Chinese immersion school teaching Mandarin to little kids (and not well I might add). All in one day I had to break up ninja karate chop fights, corrale children throwing crayons as deadly projectiles, and calm a crying but speechless little girl who was terrorized by the boys throwing the crayons.....all in my third language. MAN. OH I forgot to mention how I got sick for like a week and had to miss my singing jury at school because my throat hurt so bad and there was so much snot up my nose that It probably could have filled a baby wading pool once all blown out. That sure is a nice visual huh? want to come and swim in my pool of SNOT? Didn't think so. I also infected 6 other people and counting who admire and revere me for sharing with them my priceless germs for sure. Yup.

OK So now i'm just rambling. Want to know why? Mostly because it's been a long day, and now I can't sleep. And sometimes that happens when things are written on that little chalk board on the inside of my head that can't be erased yet. And the inside of my eye balls just keep staring at that chalk board and just won't let it go. But tonight I went into my email and and I saw about 3 emails from Lyndsi Shae that I haven't read yet. If you don't know about her you should because she's my best friend and she's servin a mission in California. And her latest email talked about how its her birthday and Pday so they were playing water games and the Elders dumped a huge barrel of water on her head. Their sign of admiration i'm sure. And how after that all of the missionaries were talking about how their families have no idea what their daily lives are like. And Lyndsi was like "its so true though, this week was so hard; a roller coaster of all roller coasters emotionally" And she didn't even want to talk about it, which is unusual for Lyndsi because she never has a problem expressing herself, or with using too many words. But I could feel the extent and depth of this hard week, and it made me remember those days and those weeks being a missionary pouring my soul out all over the street with no one listening, with nothing else to do but speak about Jesus in a foreign language to people who don't give a crap that you poured out your blood sweat and tears to bring them this message. and eat food that you've never even seem before. And sleep. And then get up and do it all over again. And I remembered the days where I felt like I was doing it all by myself and it was HARD. And I know God was carrying me but sometimes it was so hard to feel, even though if he wasn't, I couldn't have done it at all. When I remember those times, those days, I realize I am ridiculous for thinking that my day was hard today. I did nothing hard today. I tanned at the park, ate tacos with my friends, and cleaned my room. Shame on me for thinking my life is hard. I went back to my old mission account and started reading some of my sent emails and I remembered exactly how hard it was. And so beautifully great at the same time. And I remembered where my strength came from. My patience and my virtue and my faith. I remembered them in a time of need in my life and I am thankful for EVERYTHING that I have. I am thankful that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I am thankful for my best friends, esp Lyndsi Shae that showed me this right when I needed it. Funny how best friends do that. They help you when they don't even know they are doing it. Please read this woman's perfectly written words. Her optimism, wit, and wisdom will change you.

Thought of You - by Ryan Woodward

2011-05-17T01:22:00.000-06:00

Sorry I've been neglecting this blog so bad! But here's a novel idea....lately I am just so fulfilled by REAL life but I don't have alot of time or even motivation to post as much. And i think that is a good thing for my life. But I found this....its art created by google doodle, and I love this song and I think its pretty sweet to watch.....so enjoy!

The potion of despair

2011-05-10T13:53:00.005-06:00

Hello fans! I'm very sorry to end my hiatus from blogging with this post, but its really all that I can think about right now...

You see those three cute little guys? HELL IN A BOTTLE. Here's a little story for ya. When you go to the doctor with certain abdominal pains, and they don't know what else to fix, you get to drink this and spend all day on the couch cursing the doctor, cruising face book and online shopping while the rest of the world leads normal, healthy, PRODUCTIVE lives. These three are NOT your friends people. Their cute friendly demeanor is deceiving to say the least. They are the enemy. I only drank one and a half so far and I have to drink the other one and a half in aprox. 2 minutes and I AM STALLING. This is what drinking this mess is like.....please click the link.

http://youtu.be/0nVQPwH2m4s

Scary? Yup it sure is. These three deadly poisons also prevent me from eating or drinking anything that is not clear. Ya know, drinking deadly potion kind of makes me just like Dumbledore. Yes I am that legit. And while we are on Harry Potter-isms, Maybe this potion will make me look like someone else, or make me have the most bestest most invincible day EVER! That's what I should think while i'm drinking it huh? Or maybe I should just not drink it and say i did? That sounds like a good idea. If it seems like I'm going crazy, oh its because I AM. I drank the first batch right before school and it made me so nuts my best friend had to come and pick me up. I also had to walk at about the speed of a snail for fear of losing said magic potions all over the side walk. TMI??? Well then WHY ARE YOU READING THIS???????? Ok I think i've written enough. Just pray for me ok? Thanks guys.

LOVE!

I am on the ground.

2011-05-01T10:54:00.006-06:00

Today is the first day of May, and it snowed yesterday! Want to know what's up with my life? well lots of things honestly. I just moved to a new place......a much safer place. I'm pretty happy about that. Not safer for my body or well being. Safer for my soul. I am taking a glass blowing class! Sometimes I am not very productive, and I keep telling myself that that's OK. You want to hear some stories and see some pictures from my life don't you? Well today's post isn't for that-sorry. Today I want to talk about a poem. Did you know that April was national poem month? (Or something like that :) I'm not much of a writer, and don't claim to be. But I am an artist of sorts, and I believe that my art is motivated by my emotions, my love, and my heart. And do you ever wonder why you love the people that you do? Do you think that your heart could possibly even be programmed to love certain people? Like maybe the love of your life, your best friends, your children: that love was planned out for you before you even came here. And when you meet those people, you literally cannot help it. You MUST love them. It's ingrained in your soul and heart and DNA down to your fingerprints. Your heart beats for them and it feels deeper and fuller. Sometimes my heart feels just blah around people-maybe even a little numb. Then my best friends (or a special someone) comes around, and I FEEL. I feel my humanity coming back to me, and I am strangely awake in my own life. And the colors of everything seem to change from grey and offwhite to violent shades of red and orange and blue. And I want to be a better person all of a sudden, or go off and save all of Africa from world hunger or something. I would do anything for these people. Did God make me love them? Or did my heart just choose them? And the Boys I have loved-oh we won't even go there.

This poem was written by my bestie Lyndsi. She's a writer. And It makes me think about relationships/friendships and how beautiful they are because they are so personal between you and only one other person. Its like a treasure only to be understood and treasured by us two. And no one else will ever understand exactly the way that it feels, or how "we converse with what we cannot describe."

I am on the ground.

I am always wondering what I need here.

I am always feeling the crest of the wave

up on my tip toes

neck stretched out

heart comes forth

taller

taller.

And then

we come down.

Teal and blue we fall.

We rumble.

We swirl and stretch horizontal.

We show the shore how much we can touch.

We stretch ourselves thin on the inland.

And then

we retract

Back to the center.

Here in the deep, we mix with what you have never seen.

We converse with what we cannot describe

In a language not collectively spoken

but felt.

It feels like this: upward.

It feels like this: around.

It feels like this: movement.

I am here on the ground.

But I am more than what you see.

In my skinny ponytail and bookbag.

I am further.

I am hoping

to be sonorous.

For now, energy, oscillating.

They say through space and time we are oscillating.

graduation

2011-04-22T22:09:00.002-06:00

Today I am packing my things to move to a new place, so I need some good blogging to distract me from packing! The best part is I feel like I'm about to get a new start! And this is my last night here in my little room at this complex. I'll miss this room. It's been a challenging year in my life to be honest, but I needed all of it. I have a million things going on that I need to blog about. Oh don't worry, those are DEFINITELY coming. Finals are over! Its summer break and I'm about to have ALOT of time on my hands :) But right now I want to talk about graduation.

Today I went to campus to turn in a few last minute things (aka my very very late work that I am praying my teachers accept because I am a SLACKER) and I saw people everywhere in caps and gowns. I'll admit-it was a little hard. Sometimes its hard for me to understand why I'm not graduated; why I have been in school as long as I have, and still do not have a bachelors degree to show for it. Some of the kids that I started with my freshman year already have Masters degrees too! And then while I was walking around looking at all the students in their gowns, and the parents beaming at their children and carrying flowers, I started thinking that If I had never left, that would have been me. I would have graduated as planned in the Winter of 2009 and I would be on to a different very life; a life that is a-lot more grown up than the one I have now. It felt weird. And then I realized that that life would erase alot of the good things in my life that are very dear to me, like: my mission, my ability to speak Chinese, my spirituality and Faith, all of the life experiences I have had since then-the unforgettable and the difficult ones alike, the chance to be at BYU with both of my siblings, and all of the friends that Heavenly Father led me to that I love so very much. I can't always answer all of the questions as to why I am still here. I don't know why God made me go on a misson sometimes. I don't know why I had to prolong graduation an extra 2 semesters to study Mandarin. I don't know why I am studing a Major that takes 5 years to complete and doesn't pay much more than $40,000 a year at best. I just don't know. I don't know every single little thing about my life. But I know that it will work out, and that it will be great. I know that I am doing the right thing right now. And I am happy, even if I am still here living the good old college life. I mean hey, my mom did always tell me "whats the rush to work Emily. You have your whole life for that!" I think you're right mom. And through it all I feel so lucky and so blessed to have the life that I do. Thats how I know its right.

If you want to hear about moving adventures, graduation parties, finals, and deep soul moments over text, check back in the next few days :D

-emily

♫ Kael Alden - Where You Belong

2011-04-18T12:50:00.000-06:00

my brain has turned to mush. But I LOVE this.

This is what I look like right now.

2011-04-14T01:12:00.003-06:00

SCARY. To study or not to study.....that is the question. this mess is ridiculous. Those tired bags under my eyes; That sallow complection: All from lack of sleep due to SCHOOL. And don't even get me started on how long its been since i put on my make up or even brushed my hair before I went to class/work. It's time for a vacation! A very very LONG vacation. I'm beasting through a form and analysis project and a chinese final. Lets see how many hundreds of characters I can remember!!! YAY! Sometimes learning Chinese just SUCKS. But a jedi's gotta do what a jedi's gotta do.

Total Domination-this is happening.

2011-04-13T14:47:00.000-06:00

If my life were a movie, this week would be the climax. The last 3 months have been leading up to this point. Its all on this week: I gotta pass finals. then I'm free! My last full semester on campus will be OVER! This some came on today. Its time to dominate, and then on to the good life!!!!

Insomnia

2011-04-10T06:36:00.003-06:00

So lately my body came up with this great idea to wake me up at 5:30a every morning so we can get stuff done. Even on Saturday and Sunday, the only days I can sleep in. GREAT IDEA BODY!!!! Lets get up early to do all the stuff I feel guilty about not doing yet!!!! Except that after not completing assignments and emailing people back for so long, it turns into this ball of guilt inside of me. So I procrastinate further in order to avoid said guilt cause who wants to deal with THAT, which results in procrastinating even further and wasting lots and lots of time on the internet. This gets me to the point where my guilt for not doing stuff becomes so huge and overwhelming that it is a responsibility in and of itself just to carry that around all the time! And takes up most of my capacity to be productive. This makes the guilt and stress bigger and bigger, which leads me to avoid it further and further and just keep surfing the internet because that is ALL THAT I CAN HANDLE!!!!!! This post says it all people. Just like this girl, I too bought groceries today as a feeble attempt to seem like a legitimate adult. Luckily with my recital out of the way, I can get some knots out of my stomach and relax a little more :)

Fish

2011-04-07T12:08:00.007-06:00

Among all my 'friend'-imonys lately, let me take a second to blog about someone that I absolutely love. Her name is Laura. Laura Masterson actually. Meet little sister! In our family we like to call her "fish". Its been her nick name for as long as I can remember and it came from some pokemon we used to call her named warfish that got changed to 'lor'fish....and then shortened to just fish. And it stuck. Little sis just cut all of her hair off and donated it to charity-which is what makes me want to blog about her. Even though my sister and I are very different, we have always been very close and I just love her to PIECES!!!

When I was in high school and had to work late nights on my roller skates at sonic, I would come home to little crayon colored notes on the door of my room from her saying "welcome home" with roller-skates drawn on the front. She comes to all my concerts and recitals and tells me her favorite songs. Ever since I can remember, she has always supported me. I can't describe it but being a big sister comes with huge responsibility. I will always feel that it is my duty to protect and look out for her! I have always told laura that if she ever got cancer and had to lose her hair, I would shave my head too and we would get wigs together! Haha now THATs love. And I really would do that for her.

Now-I really hope we don't get cancer lol. But My sister has gone through alot in her life. And she is unbelievably talented! You should see this girl draw a dino! REMARKABLE! And she is quite the actress let me tell ya! She has become SO strong throughout her life, and has always been a person of upstanding integrity, and charity (As evidenced by donating all of her gorgeous hair to locks of love!) She would do anything for a friend or for one of us. I am so proud of who she is and I couldn't imagine not having a little sister. She's the greatest.

Weightless

2011-04-06T16:32:00.000-06:00

OK just one more song before I go off to work on my composition for Choral Arranging. The final arrangement is due tomorrow and I'm writing a version of a song I learned in girl scouts when I was 12 or 13. We used to sing this particular song around the camp fire and its stuck with me up until now. I'm writing it into an african spiritual for 4 part choir complete with African Djumbe. We get to perform the piece next week during our final class period and let me just say that I am very proud of what I have written so far, and might actually use this piece when I am legit teacher. I will post a recording as soon as I have one!

NOW for the video: I know I just posted a song but I'm kind of obsessed with music lately....which isn't exactly a bad thing. Today I was running some errands and this song came on my Ipod. Considering the piles of stuff that I have to get done in the next 4 days (and in the next 2 weeks -_-), I was feeling a bit heavy with the responsibility of everything pushing down on me. but THEN this song came on and I felt things start to lift. I really felt lighter, almost weightless even. Funny how a song can effect you that way. I just love music. Good thing I teach it! ;)

Honey just remember-you are 32 flavors and then some.

2011-04-05T14:15:00.001-06:00

This has been one of my favorite songs for a long time. I love Ani DiFranco's voice and the lyrics to this song just really stick with me. Probably because people in this world will try to tear you down. They will try to criticize who you are, or maybe even just make you feel bad about yourself unintentionally. But it doesn't matter. Because we are great. Every single person that is reading this. We are unique, and sometimes ignorant people can't see that. We will rise up from the ash of criticism and cynicism to maintain the integrity of who we are. You are better than 32 flavors. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I think I get this point of view from my father. He always taught me to stick up for myself, and believe in my self. He taught me to be strong and independent. This song personifies that to me. Take a listen.

Emily {e-mi-lee} N.

2011-04-05T00:06:00.007-06:00

This is the name that my mother gave me. And do you want to know that sometimes i do not feel like an Emily? Lots of people-when they forget my name, they call me Ashley. I really look like an Ashley. But luckily my mom did not name me that because I am not too fond of Ashleys usually. I've never had one close friend named Ashley, which is really saying something considering the popularity of the name. I can't even think of one person right now named Ashley that will read this blog, so it's ok if I say that. But do you ever search your own name in like google or something? I did that today while I was procrastinating and this is what I found.

The name Emily has the following meaning:

"One who is hardworking and industrious. This name has topped the US top 1000 charts in recent years. Extremely popular."

I couldn't agree more. I am DEF hardworking considering all the facebook stalking and blogging I do every day! WHEW. Its hard to be me LET ME TELL YA. And I could be considered industrious. I sell things on ebay sometimes.

Ok with the jest out of the way, I actually do consider myself a very hardworking person. Sometimes too hardworking to be honest. Which is why I cannot understand why I keep desecrating my name, which is 'extremely popular' by the way, because I cannot just get over my senioritis when i'm not even graduating yet, and get my stuff DONE. Tonight I was working on some Chinese homework that was due two weeks ago. I have to sing in a recital on saturday. I haven't practiced since Thursday. I forgot to register for my block class before the deadline passed, and now it is up against a review board to see if they will consider letting me add it or not. I lose my cell phone at least twice a week. And I often show up to work 5 min late because I wake up late and throw my clothes on before taking one quick glance in the mirror. BYE BYE diligence, good grooming, and punctuality.

"Emily is currently a popular baby name, with a recent overall USA popularity ranking of 1 out of 1000 (source: 2000s U.S. Census)"

According to this site, one out of every 1,000 people in the US is named Emily. Or something like that. That means that out of the 32,000 students at BYU, there should only be 32 Emily's.

Yes I did look this up. When the name "Emily" is searched in the BYU directory, 16 pages come up. Each page has 30 people on it except for the last. I got out my calculator cause numbers hurt my brain and figured out that there are 466 Emilys total here at BYU (467 If you include Emileigh, who is the only Emileigh at this school BTW-lucky). HOLY guacamole everyone and their MOM has this name! I think this might be the most popular name at this whole school, even compared to Ashleys (a mere 336). Now, I guess this is BYU. So at least someone has to be hardworking and industrious, and its not me! So I've got 466 other people out there pullin' the weight for me :) good work girls.

But seriously sometimes I don't know how I feel about how common my name is. And weirdly enough, when I look at the mirror, I don't feel like an Emily. I don't see it. Not that I don't like it. I mean its cute! Its fresh and has that nice sing song quality to it. Like triplets (the notes, not children). I don't know why some days I think I should have been named Summer. Or Claire. But definitely not Jessica because I don't like common names and I just searched that one and there are 570! Whew ok Emilys are still somewhat original. Bottom line: I am not naming my child after me. That makes it sound like I already have a child....i mean my unborn non existent child that is in heaven waiting for me to suck it up and get hitched and make some babies. I want him/her to have a good strong, original name. Like Rainbow or Strawberry or Hermione or something. I dunno just something cool. Maybe i'll name all of my children after Harry Potter Characters!! YES! I like this idea already. and now it is late and I am rambling.

Peace!

Change

2011-04-04T13:33:00.004-06:00

This weekend over conference I was pumped with SO many insights and thoughts about my life that it was both gloriously invigorating AND a little bit overwhelming. Last night before I fell asleep I was trying to sort all of the thoughts in to little categories and concrete spaces in my head so they wouldn't be swirling around so quickly and making a mess in there. And the one word that i could use to make sense of it all was CHANGE. I am thankful for the gospel and religion in my life because it motivates me to change. And I have a huge long list of things that I need to change in my life after yesterday. I'm hoping to make that list shorter and shorter in the coming month as i work on the things that I need to do better at LIKE provident living, being faith filled, sharing the gospel, working towards getting married (lets save that discussion for another day lol), and just being a more charitable person in general. I know that there are so SO many things that I need to be better at, but sometimes when you are at the bottom of a mountain looking up, it seems so impossible to start climbing towards the top. But conference gave me some motivation and some specific ideas of things that I need to start doing NOW. And that's the beautiful thing about the gospel; that being religious is not just an idea. It is in the little things that we DO day in and day out like reading scriptures and remembering to pray. These things help me to become a person that portrays the Savior. Sometimes it hurts a little bit to have to change. It is difficult to say "i'm not going to do that anymore" even though i want to do things I shouldn't. Just like that one talk by Elder Oaks about desire says, we start with a desire. And I DO have desire, but sometimes I let my natural man get the best of me. I just need to tell myself that my desire to read my scriptures every day can over-ride my natural instincts to asleep :P YES! I can do that. And my desire to be a more charitable person can over-ride my temptation to judge others. Bottom line, there are things that I can and will change because of this conference. And I just love our church so much because it helps me to be better. I hope that I can be a person that helps others and always uplifts the people I love!! And not by what I say, but just from the spirit that lies within me, and by the person that I am trying to become. I hope to have more love in my self so that I can touch hearts. Because SO many people in my life inspire me and help me just by being who they are: examples of faith and selflessness. Its time for some changes.

Oh ingrid.....i'm a fan :)

2011-04-02T09:50:00.000-06:00

Before I sit down and listen to conference, I want to give you a listen from my ipod.....

I love all kinds of music. Really. All kinds. You can find Mozart's Don Giovanni (that's an opera) Right next to my alternative music and show tunes on my ipod. And of course I love my girl Ingrid Michaelson! She's a personal fave because her music is so chill and she is so talented. And sometimes i just need to take a step back from my crazy life and remember the good things. This song is one of my favorites, and it's not as well known so of course its not on myplaylist.com. But it is probably my favorite song of hers. My best friend and I used to listen to this song all the time on one of our soul CD's and it really feels like it belongs in this warm weather singin' it with someone you love!

thankful.

2011-03-30T23:42:00.007-06:00

So I just want to congratulate myself for posting FORTY (40) posts so far this year WHILE going to school full time, and working 20 hrs a week. I also have a social life and exercise occasionally. How do I do it!? Oh honey I have NO idea. Except that alot of my school work is really suffering this semester and I have several assignments that I have yet to turn in. But lets not talk about those. Procrastinating homework is the reason why I've gotten so good at BLOGGING! I also would like to congratulate myself for recently surpassing over 500 hits on this blog. Someone besides me reads this mess!!! Praise Jesus! I'm not just writing to myself after all ;)

So-what should we talk about today?

How about things we are thankful for. Today I talked to a lady....she listened to my life. And as I was telling her my problems, I couldn't help but feel a huge overwhelming feeling of gratitude for everything that is in my life right now. I have an amazing job, I have a family that adores me and would do anything for me. And I would do the same for them. I have a great home. I eat alot of good food. And I mean ALOT....and I am still in good shape. yeah! I am in good health and feel good about myself as a person and about my body. And most of all right now....I have friends. I have so many of the most amazing friends that a girl could ever ask for and they have saved my life. When I tell my mom about each one of these friends she breathes out a sigh of relief because she knows that ever since I was like 13, my friends have been staples in my life. They are gems to me. And I have SO MANY best friends because I treasure them, and I make them stick. I NEVER give up on a friend that I really love.

Alot of my most memorable moments in my life are with my best friends, laughing till we peed our pants over the most random things that wouldn't even be funny to anyone else, discovering the ups and downs of life together, or even sharing hard times with one another. And even though my friends now are all new, I am actually thankful for having to start over. I never thought I would say that but I really am. I couldn't imagine my life without these new people that I love so much! And I had to be stretched a bit out of my comfort zone to find them....its not easy going out on your own and trying to find a place to belong! But it has been SO worth it. I am so thankful for the moments that we have together and know we will have a million more! Friendship to me does not just come over night; its a million little things that add up to a greater love for another person. And its amazing how little things like friendship bracelets, fro-yo, and diet coke can make me love someone SO much.........

Thanks for being in my life.

gomusicnow.com

2011-03-29T01:21:00.002-06:00

If you have not yet discovered www.gomusicnow.com please go immediately! If you upload $30 via credit card you can buy almost any song you want on that site for $0.09. Or just download a whole album for a little over $1.

WORTH IT.

Taken.

2011-03-29T00:22:00.003-06:00

Today on campus I went to the sugar and spice as ush, and I saw a little flier that said this:

"BYU Free the slaves

Panel Discussion on Human Trafficking

The Question:

Can human trafficking be eradicated?

Come join the discussion and hear what the experts think!

THURSDAY MARCH 31st
5:30 PM 3106 JKB "

Now ever since I came home from my mission and my mother made me watch THIS movie, I have been fixated on eradicating human trafficking.

It is a huge problem in the world right now, even here in the United States, and especially in Europe and Asia. Millions of woman and children every year are captured and sold into sex slavery that do not make it out alive. In the US, craigslist has been reported as the number one source to blame for successful underground child exploitation. When the women/children are taken captive, they are immediately put on high dosages of highly addictive drugs to keep them sedated and from fighting back or running away. Once they are addicted, they cannot escape. They are forced to see hundreds of customers in a week, not seeing even a single penny from their earnings. These women are literal slaves in a corrupt underground market that is being run in countries all over the world. Most victims die within the first month of drug overdose, and don't make it more than four years due to aids. However, some women have survived or escaped to tell their story. If you can stomach it, look up MTV's EXIT campaign. When I think of these women, I cannot just sit back and do nothing!!!! I want to do something to help, but I don't know what. I have some friends that feel strongly about the subject too, and therefore we are going together to take a stand. Thursday at 5:30. Let me know if you want to come too!!

indian lover.

2011-03-28T23:03:00.016-06:00

I want to declare to you right now that I have a small obsession with all things american indian. I love Pocahontas. That's my fave disney movie. I have dream catchers in my room and feather earrings. When I was younger my mom bought me this little box of "worry people". They are little matches that are made to look like little people and when you put them under your pillow while you sleep, they take your worries away :) And when I was young you could find me out in our huge back yard shafting my leaf raking responsibilities and dancing around with the rake making indian calls and doing a rain dance. You can see why I like native american stuff right? Just so cool.

Newho, one of the things that I love about native americans is their jewelry. If you truely know me, you know that I am obsessed with jewelry. I have boxes and boxes of it. I make it. I buy it. I just get it from everywhere. And one of my traditions is that I have to buy a piece of jewelry from every single place that I travel. Now don't go thinkin that I have a room full of million dollar jewelry because that is NOT the case. Some of the things I have bought cost as little as $5, or I find some great beads and make a sweet sweet bracelet when I get home. Here's some of my stuff:

coral beads from france

bracelet that I bought on the beach in italy

earrings from China

handmade ring from London

turquoise stones found in Mexico

Well, you could probably say that I am obsessed with all kinds of jewelry, but I am especially obsessed with Turquoise. I love the color....it is my favorite color and my curtains down to my ipod cover are turquoise. One time my mom bought me a tiffany bracelet that she saved up to buy me when I turned 21 because I turned into a "real" lady then :) and I liked the box as much as the bracelet. And my sister stole the box and the little leather bag that it came in while i was gone!!!!!! Oh the humanity of it!! Well, this weekend at BYU there was a native american craft fair. My sister told me about it seeing as she knows i love ALL things native american and ALL things turquoise. And I just couldn't resist myself! I picked this little guy up and It's SO BEAUTIFUL!

And this ring is real! And not even that expensive :) I just love love love this stone! I love the color and the textures of it and all the different shades that it comes in. Its just the most gorgeous thing to me. No wonder the indians are obsessed with this stuff too. They say that it has magical powers, just like JADE which happens to be my next favorite stone :)

Well HELLO there!!

2011-03-28T10:29:00.009-06:00

I should be doing my chinese homework right now since I have a class in about 30min that i'm probably not going too....lol. My life is so ridiculous! BUT, I need to tell you something thats in my heart.....

Yesterday I had a hard day. And its OK! Don't worry about me too much. But it reminded me of last semester turmoils in a sense that alot of things happened that just made me feel down right poopy. And one of these things that was hard then was my lack of job security. I kept going through job after job....house cleaner, then Nuskin, then being jobless and wondering "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?" And then I saw an ad online for a teaching job at the MTC. I NEVER planned to work at the MTC but I was PRETTY desperate and so I called the lady.

Me:"Hello? I want to interview for the job! Is it still available?"
Julie:"Yes it is! Do you speak spanish?"
"Um, no. I thought the job was for English?"
"Are We talking about the same job here?"
"umm not sure. I was talking about the English teaching position I saw on the internet"
"Oh well there aren't any teaching jobs right now. Sorry! that posting is supposed to be for a job here in our office"
"Oh.....well........can i interview for that job?"

Haha I didn't even know what that job was! And that Is how I started working at the MTC! I interviewed up against like 10 other applicants, and they told me they would call me after the weekend to tell me if I def. didn't have the job, or if I was still being considered. But on the day I interviewed, I got a call from Julie, my boss. And I was like "oh no! They already know they don't want me!" But they called 3 hours later THAT day to tell me they were sure that I was the lady for the job!!

I came into the MTC HR office to a great working environment, and great co-workers. Julie, who is like 32 and as spunky as a girl straight out of the pioneer days (really), was my boss. Brittany and Maren were quiet and reserved but OH so nice and helpful. And then there was Rebekah who always talked to me about what boys she loved and played youtube music from her computer!!. I really liked talking to her during work, and she even invited me to her ugly sweater party at Christmas!! Which was SO nice even though I couldn't go. And I only worked in the office for about a month before Christmas break came and I had to go home. While I was at a little pastry shop in Dallas with my mom one day, I get a call from the MTC. Its the Asian Language Dept. They were told I had the best application out of all of the Chinese Teachers, and they wanted to interview me for a teaching position. I never EVER imagined myself teaching at the MTC. Too legit for me I guess. But I decided to interview, and I got it. And after I left that HR office, I kind of missed it! And one day I came to work and punched in at the time clock, and Rebekah was there! And I was just SOO happy to see her that day! Like when you see someone you REALLY love that you haven't seen in a long time! I was just so happy she was standing there and so happy to see me too! Why hello there bec! Thanks for popping out of nowhere and making my day better when I really need it!

I don't know where Rebekah came from sometimes. It's like one day she wasn't a big part of my life, and then the next day she was, just like THAT (snap). And its one of the easiest and greatest frienships thats ever happened to just fall into my life like it was meant to be!!! I think she had a party that weekend, and I went meaning only to stay for like 15 minutes, and was there for like 3 hours!! Since then we have been great great friends. This woman is funny, witty, charming, BEAUTIFUL, SO fun, interesting heartfelt, and one of the warmest people I have ever met. She has been there for me when I have really needed someone this semester too.

And yesterday when I had the worst worst day....I mean it couldn't have gotten any worse than it did.....she was there for me. Just goes to show that everything happens for a reason and God as a way of putting people in our path that we really need :) I hope she knows how much I LOVE her!!!!

Super Powers!

2011-03-24T23:49:00.007-06:00

If you know me, you know that I pride myself on being a very real person. I haven't always been this open and honest. Believe me it's been a process and a struggle at times. But there is nothing I hate more than fake-ness. I hate fake people. yes I do. and don't judge me for that! I hate fake crappy knock-offs of really nice purses. I hate plastic fake food that old people put on their dining room tables....what a tease! What if I tried to eat that mess!? Anyways, you get the picture. I pride myself in being who I really am, even publicly on this blog. Therefore, I admit that I don't really know what I am doing with my life right now. It's in an in between. In limbo if you will. I know where I will BE for the next year yes. But sometimes, things in my life just feel a little unsettled. I feel like something big is coming and I need to get ready.....but what is it??? And has it even come yet? I think alot of other people are feeling this way right now too. I know this because I practice occlemency and can read minds! Actually i'm a blog stalker and I have read it on alot of other blogs :) yep I admit it. But seriously why can't I just be more like a SUPERHERO!? Cause super heros know everything....esp where to find evil crime causing vilains like that Florida team that beat us, or even Lady GAGA in the dark corners of the night! You could just call me Henrietta Potter!! Imagine me taking on the world with my 11 inch peacock feather and whatever heart string wand!? ACCIO LIFE'S PURPOSE! I mean, super heroes, they are confident.....so confident that they will wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes, or on their head, or just wherever they want! And they always look hot! I'll admit I have a small obsession with the Bat Man. I even have a T-shirt that I regularly wear from the little boys section at Wal-Mart. Here's a picture of me trying to be a super hero:

Well, in honor of this unsettling feeling that makes me what to talk about random-ness, I want to let you read something that I wrote in my journal......the paper thing that usually no one else gets to see? yep that thing.

"Sometimes i wonder that if i had a super power, what i would have. Flying would be sweet...if you think about it thats probably Bat Man's main power, and he does alot of good with that. I wouldnt want to hear people's thoughts....that would just be a bad idea for any of us. Seeing the future would just make us end up changing it...so that wouldnt even work. Tonight i was driving just shootin the breeze with myself, thinking about super powers. The needle kept dipping below E and i didnt even care. I just kept on drivin'. Secretly I wanted it to run out of gas because maybe that would magically make time stop....make my life stop. Even for a moment so that i could make everything stop and just be silent for me. and watch the people frozen in time, being human. Then they wouldnt see me crying or look at me driving alone, and i could just re live moments when i wasn't alone until i was ready to hit play again. I keep going forward going forward going forward. sometimes its just terrifying!!! and in that moment in the car i just wanted the remote to my life. i wanted to stop it from happening, or rewind it, or just pause it or something. GO GO GADGET DVR!!!! And the car didnt run out of gas. it kept going, like my life. tick tick tick....minute by minute. the rest of my life goes by, and still approaches. i dont really feel like a hero or anything....but maybe one day i can be to someone and then it will be worth it."

October 5, 2008

2011-03-24T09:16:00.006-06:00

I wrote this post on Sunday October 5, 2008, before my mission. I was obviously in the middle of some serious boy drama here. Which was not uncommon for me to have back then. but I was reading through the posts from that time in my life, and they just feel so real and so raw and alive. I want to be able to write like this again. I want to be able to feel like this again.....and I don't mean the romantic part of it. The so alive in my own life and aware of my feelings part. And I don't have to wait till 'someday' for my life to be fulfilled. There was a college study done where students were interviewed at some university, and were asked "when will you be happy" Some said:
"when I graduate"
"when i get married"
"when I score that executive position i'm working for"
"when I have my own home"
and in my case.. "when summer comes"
etc......

Well, why not be happy and fulfilled by TODAY?
I'm gonna work on that.

Here's October 5th for ya:

"I'm going to go ahead and dedicate this post to this boy that i sometimes love...he'll probably never read this. He probably WILL invite me over to his house for conference tomorrow only to ignore me and pretend like we never rolled around in the grass, or cried in each others arms, or like he never gave me that bruise on my neck. AND he'll probably try to set me up with his friend just so that he can try to distract me from distracting him from distracting me from my oh so recent trip to Asia. i dont really know. DUDE..as hannah would say "smatchoo"??? (whats the matter with you?)

Truth be told....it doesnt really matter. I dont know if you ever really loved me....i sure hope so. But this is me officially making my heart let you go. I renounce you and the un-erasable strings that keep me hanging in a permanent free fall of your wake. I allow myself to forget you because i dont think about me in terms of you, or you in terms of us anymore. Because im tired of being humored, and when i come back i deserve someone who gives a crap. So here's what you've been wanting. I release you....all in the name of China.
...........................................................

Its official....im back in texas, my homeland. After drivin with the windows down for 2 days, eatin french toast with bob and elaine: my moms best friend that lives in denver, and claimin the earth just beneath the border, i am here. Its an adjustment. I have a new life. I have new friends. I have a new home and a new room. A new Job. I am new. Renewal within myself is evolving everywhere. I cant help but think: this is actually happening. I am going on a mission to china. I cannot avoid it, nor do i want to. As i look back on my life in this familiar place, i realize what i have come from. I remember high school, bumpin around with the bums and sneakin out in the middle of the night. I visualize freshman year of college, eatin pizza on sunday and cursin up a strom, just to be rebellious. I re-live my revolutions and the release of my rage for the shortcomings in my life. I recall my tears and my prayers. I realize the beginnings of my humanity, and my desire to be a conduit. I am growing....always reaching for God. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. My pride is spent and i send love out into the universe fearlessly. More often than not i dont get it back. Its still worth it. My heart is growing....I am not perfect, nor do i want to be. Satan is real...he works from the inside out. Last week i wanted to leave for lunch without clocking out. My mind often tells me that i am worthless. On the way to work i turned the radio off to contemplate my life. I contemplated so hard that i missed my exit and got mixed up in the mix master. I was late for work (cue your shock) and got back on going the wrong direction. I cursed to myself.....WHERES THE D*** i15 WHEN YOU NEED IT? Yeah its not here. Someday soon ill have to face that. He won that small victory. crap. oh well...whatev.

from the london book:
Its all happening so fast. My life is a speeding train and im not sure where its headed. One thing is certain-ive been given a second chance. Touched by God and ive gotta believe that he has a purpose for my life. So why am i filled with self doubt? Plagued by demons-both real and imaginary. Frightened by the challenges ahead and haunted by the ghosts of my past. Goes God know what i am? Do i? Am i an angel or a monster? And why cant i see the difference?
This apprehension is the child of Evil personified, and i can overcome.
I will break free with my resilience. My reverence. THEN shall the shackles fall.
Love will tread out the fire of anger.
And from the ash i will rise,
and plant a tree of peace

I'm a super star!

2011-03-23T16:35:00.008-06:00

Hey guys guess what I should be doing right now:

Writing a composition for Choral Arranging class
Studying for a huge Chinese test that I have friday
Making up homework that I have yet to turn in
Submitting my financial aid application.
Practicing my singing for 1.5 hours
paying the parking ticket I got the other day.

Wanna know how that is going?

SHAFT. Shaft shaft shaft. All of those are getting shafted! This is what i'm actually doing:

Watching Youtube videos like 'The Creep'
listening to Ingrid Michaleson's Everybody
Going to spin class with with one of my new favorite people that just so happens to share the same name as me.
getting fro-yo with another one of my new favorite peoplee-I love fro-yo!
stalking my faves on facebook....I have so many favorite people! Just how it goes when you are as lucky as me I guess.
Reading my little sister's blog
trying to come up with anything I can to keep from having to do nast homework.
thinking about how hungry I am and how much I want to eat food but DON'T want to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. Dunno why, but I hate it. So I'm DEF not doing that today since we aren't doing productive things right now!

Do you detect a little bit of pride because of this?? Darn straight!!! I am proud and even feel like I deserve a pat on the back for this attitude. It takes courage to do nothing in a world that is all about productivity and over-achieving. You could even call me a trend setter! I'm doing society a favor right now by sticking it to the man. I shouldn't have to contribute to society. You know why? Because I'm a Super Star. Capitol S. Captiol S. Thats right up there with celebrities! And you do think Celebrities do homework? I don't think so. Do you think celebrities engage in ridiculous mind-engagdging activities when they don't want to? Definitely not. Super Stars don't either my fine friends. I also strongly believe in my right to instigate dance parties with my self and others any time of the day that i like, responsibilities or not. Besides, I hate being responsible. Since I'm a celebrity now, here are some super chic pictures of me.

These are all of my super star poses. I took these just now for all my fans. I was gonna tweet these to you but i'm slow and don't know how to use advanced technology like that so my blog will have to suffice.

Hope you are having as great a day as me!!!

I 'mIn love :)

2011-03-23T00:50:00.002-06:00

Yellowcard just came out with their new CD TODAY! I love every song. I love their talent. I love that their music always feels like summer to me, and has accompanied me on many many roadtrips. And even though I love alternative music and I LOVE their violin, I always need some acoustic to get me in that nostalgic mood that I so constantly drift into when I don't want to think about my current life. Well done Yellowcard. Just Sing for me!!!!

The Worst....

2011-03-21T01:20:00.007-06:00

In my life time I have felt a various slew of different kinds of emotions, seeing as I am a semi emotional person that needs to talk about her feelings alot. Yes I am that kind of girl, and I think we've all been there. Out of all of these complex emotions such as being extaticly happy, excited, in love, stoked, proud, betrayed, just plain sad, broken hearted, self conscious, scared, distressed, and anxious....to me there is an emotion that is the worst out of all of these....

Missing someone when you have to say goodbye.

I hate this. I usually will avoid it because it rips my heart out. After saying goodbye follows missing the person, and this is an emotion that I have yet to learn how to deal with in a calm mature adult way. Seems like only time takes away the sting of missing someone you really love, because it heals hearts. When i say goodbye my cool composure suddenly melts into a hot emotional mess with tears and the desperate need for me to tell the person how I really feel. I have never experienced someone close to me dying, which is good because of how I would cope, or lack thereof. It varies in degree depending on the person. When I love people I just really love them.

Tomorrow my three elders leave for HK. I'll admit i'm kind of attached to them because they are my very first district and so much of my heart, soul, and prayers have gone into helping them find their passion for the work and for Chinese these past few months. We have a very special bond I feel like, and I have worked so hard to teach them everything I feel like they need to know. We also have lots of good memories laughing about stupid chinese mistakes (like saying God Killed people and the apostles), and tons of spiritual moments. I'm dreading saying goodbye. But I know it is for the best, and I am so proud of them. They are just like little brothers to me. I'm beaming I'm so proud at how much progress they have made from just meandering around awkwardly wondering what to say in a lesson, into becoming great teachers. I'm gonna try not to let them see me tear up when we have to say goodbye tomorrow!

Man vs bear

2011-03-21T00:16:00.000-06:00

Hahaha So funny.

PHO

2011-03-20T17:45:00.019-06:00

I want you to meet Amy. She is the roommate of a girl that I was friends with in the MTC, and is probably the coolest return missionary girl I have ever met. So OF COURSE we are friends. She bails me out when I get towed. I bail her out when she gets towed (although that hasn't happened yet....some day we will be tow twinners since this is Provo and everyone freaking gets towed sometime) Sometimes people say we look like sisters. Maybe we are since we like all the same things like forever 21 and indi rock music and not thinking twice about eating girl scout cookies. Every time we hang out, it is raining. Go figure. She's the one on the left.

On Saturday night we both really really wanted to eat PHO (Pronounced F-UH). There is a really good place that has it over in Orem next to the really good Japanses Sushi place that I like. If you haven't ever had Pho, its delicious noodles with meat in soup with tons of other good stuff. I love me some good noodles! If you know me, you know that I really like to take pictures of food. I think I picked that up in Asia....or maybe I really am that nerdy. IDK. Hard to tell. But here's a picture.

LOOK we ate it all! Except JK they are all fakes that put their left overs in take away containers so they could try to look legit for the picture. I am the ONLY one who finished ALL of this huge bowl. Shocker.

Although Pho Is amazingly yummy, it is a dangerous word. Amy and I went out to the car (in the rain) and realized that we both wreaked of asian noodle.

Amy: "UGH I smell like Pho"
Me: "Dang, I smell like Pho too. HAHAHAH"

If you say this out loud you will get why it's funny. We kept saying this to eachother for like the whole night. Yes I am really mature

I forgot to mention that before dinner, Amy and I headed up to the mall for some retail therapy. Check out my blingin' ring in the above picture. We found those at Charlotte Russe: 2 for $8! Matching friendship rings?! UM YES PLEASE!!

Then we went to the Vans store. Amy got adorable new vans for her birthday but she wore them like 8 times before realizing they were the wrong size. Sounds alot like something I would do. So we went to the store and bought another pair, but she said I could try on her 6.5 ones to see if they fit. PERFECT FIT!

The shopping and Pho extravaganza was also followed a quick stop at my friend Laura's st. patty's day party, and movie watching/nail painting. Talk about girls' night! I used to have a severe aversion to girls night, but if you had the friends I had, you would want to have girls night every night too!!

When i got home that night I had crazy insomnia. I watched like 3 episodes of glee and broke out this cheeze and cracker platter my mom left me and threw myself a PARTY! I decided to clean up my new vans by throwing the laces in the wash and scrubbing up the white rubber part. Pulled me out some KABOOM! With a name like that how could you go wrong? Until stupid Kaboom wasn't working and I looked on the label and realized that its bathroom cleaner. Whoops. Guess my toilet isn't getting THAT clean after all. Spic and Span did the trick though.

And here they are! My new navy blue babies waitin for the laces to come out of the wash :)! YES yes I am the proud new owner of this pair of Vans. Not so sure If I can pull vans off, but I figure what they hey. They are so cute!!!

And these are the random happenings of my life.

Confession

2011-03-20T16:59:00.005-06:00

Alright, today I need to confess something to you, my loyal readers.

I am a musician.

There, I said it. I study in the school of music. I sing in a variety of different styles INCLUDING opera (Yes opera....that was hard to say but I said it!), folk, jazz, country and pop-legit. I have composed some music before. I have played the piano since I was 8 years old and took lessons for 10 years. My mom always told me that I was singing before I could even speak. When I was 2 years old I could babble and say a few words, but sometimes I would randomly start humming or singing a tune that I heard in the car (probably raffi or something....gotta love raffi!) She pushed me to sing in church from the time I was five years old up until now. She drove me around to music lessons for years and wouldn't let me quit even when I thought I was too busy running track, meeting with student council presidency, or being dance officer on the MacArthur Cardettes. I sang in choir all through middle school and high school, and even sang in Concert and Jazz choir my senior year. I was lucky enough to sing solos on the choir performances that won us State awards in competitions and festivals. The best word to describe me in high school would be INVOLVED to say the least. But mom never let me back out of those piano lessons every week. She Is my biggest supporter and my biggest fan.

When I got to college I decided to study music because I couldn't think of anything that I would want to do more! I was young and unimformed of the vast amount of career options out there. But I came to college thinking I was some music hot shot, only to realize that ALOT of people here think that. I started voice lessons at BYU with the realization that I was going to have to swallow a whole lot of nasty medicine at this school in order to be considered a 'good' and respected musician. I worked my butt off for two years practicing hours and hours for my audition, and talking to numerous other majors to figure out how to put together my massive teaching portfolio. And then finally at the end of my sophomore year, I got accepted. Dream come true. I was so proud I could have died.

Then life kind of ended. Music classes engulfed my whole life and I was in the HFAC from 7am until almost 9pm on some nights practicing, doing projects, going to concerts, BEING in concerts. It got exhausting after awhile. And somehow, my singing just didn't ever seem to be enough for the professors. After time that got old, and I got sick of all the kids at this school obsessing over music like its bigger than life itself. Something died in me. I stopped telling people that I study music. When i moved into a new ward, I didn't write that I know how to play the piano or sing or conduct on the little get to know you slip. I started to hide. I really have no idea when exactly this started to happen, or why I delt with it this way. Right before my mission, i stopped singing all together except in the car, and I didn't even take one piece of music with me on my mission. I didn't tell anyone there that I could sing either. I only sang a few times in a couple of wards. Some people I serve with don't even know I can sing. At the time I told myself that giving up music was my mission sacrifice to keep me from being distracted. When I think back on this, it makes me kind of sad though.

Since I came back to school, I've had kind of a bad attitude about music, but I enrolled in the classes I have left just to get through and get out. I threw myself into other stuff that felt less foreign like chinese (because i've been doing THAT for the last two years) and didn't put my heart into really anything. But one day I woke up and just thought "what is my DEAL!?". Why do something that can be so fun and not love it?! And that is why I am confessing all of this to you. Because I do love music. It has changed my life in so many ways, and a song can even help me to realize my true emotions. And I am a talented musician. I don't have to be compared with anyone else to be talented. And I shouldn't be ashamed in front of my friends or people I love to be heard singing classical pieces or singing anything, because I love it! And on the days that I don't love it, i'll just keep reminding myself that I do until I believe it. I'm not letting anyone else let me think that I don't have anything to offer. Because i DO. I'm not going to be scared of this anymore.

Some recent experiences in my life have helped me to wake up to the realization that I need to re-connect with this part of myself. And In honor of that I decided to do something that I have always wanted to do: play the guitar!!! My mom is not a professionally trained musician by any means, but she has some musical talent and can always sing on key. She played guitar for a few months when she was younger, and she gave me her old guitar a few years back. My freshman year I took a guitar class and thought it was pretty easy, but never actually put in the effort to learn how to play something. Well, now that Is all about to change. On Saturday I took my guitar to Best in Music to get restrung and tuned. I'm determined to teach myself to play, and I already have a bunch of songs in mind from Dixie Chicks, Tangled, and Michelle Branch that I want to play!!!!

I also have decided that once I get a little better on said guitar, I want to write a song. Yes that's right. An original song. The other day when mom was here, we went to see the Carl Bloch exibit. It was pretty good even though impressionistic art is more my thing, but I saw this quote on the wall:

"And he dipped his paintbrush in his heart"

I love this because real artists DO get their inspiration from their heart! I consider myself to be an artist with my music, my painting, and my writing, and I know that all of my inspiration and motivation comes from my emotions and beliefs. It comes from my heart. So i'm going to use this idea for my song. I've already got a couple different takes on it in my mind and I'm just stoked!

NBC "Community" - Spanish Rap - HQ

2011-03-19T02:10:00.001-06:00

So lately I am trying to catch up on all of the shows that I missed while I was gone. And one of them is "Community". I LOVE THIS SHOW! Think 'The Office' random humor meets community college.....who can help but make fun of community college!?

I also want to learn this rap. Donde esta la biblioteca??

cupcake man.

2011-03-15T08:27:00.003-06:00

To the boy who ding dong ditched this box of Sweet Tooth Fairy cupcakes for me on my doorstep......

I love you. I don't even know you, but I love you. Search over, lets get married. The fact that you would leave sugary goodness on my doorstep on an oh so too chilly march night while i'm spazzin out about summer means that You obviously get me.

That is all.

Angsty Angst.

2011-03-15T01:31:00.011-06:00

Sorry for the slew of posts all right in a row!! But I figure, if you don't care about what I have to say, then why are you reading this blog????

Here goes people. Right now I'm ANGSTIN'. If you don't know what that word means then DUDE LOOK THAT MESS UP!. This word is a big part of being emily. I use this word all the time because I always feel this way! But what am i angstin' for? well freak what am i NOT angsting for is the real question!!!!!?

SUMMMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I also tend to angst for boys. and for really good food.

but I just made a new play list in honor of SUMMER. This playlist feels like orange popsicle, sand, and teenage angst to me. I'm really really good at being angsty. Probably why Dashboard Confessional is my fave band.

I ALSO just had a birthday. And im angstin for ALOT of stuff right now.
Here is my birthday wish list for myself....since I have birthday money and have yet to get myself a nice gift for turning 24.
1. Michael Kors white watch. SO nice.
2. Ray Bans Aviators.
3. new TOMS.
4.lots of clothes that I don't have the money for but actually really 'need'. And sandals.
5. A new chi straightner
6. Yellow Card's new album

i'm angstin' for.......

snow cone runs. I'm obsessed.
OH honey, ROADTRIPS!!!!
cute little cuffed shorts and cotton T-shirts. I don't own these yet but it's in style and I plan on goin' SHOPPING!
Ran bans sun glasses (i'm savin up!!)
bare feet, or flip flops if I must wear shoes
beach sand and seashells.....California is where my heart lies.
The lake and the rope swing in Mona
Bike ridin' and roller bladin'
Summer lovin' and the drive in movie. Lots of times these go together. ;)
warm late nights with pleanty of silliness
outdoor concerts....and indoor concerts too.
funnel cakes
Drivin' with the windows down and the Jams on high with my foot in the dash.
swimming and getting rid of this pasty whiteness!

It just needs to come already!

Fashion Passion....

2011-03-15T01:05:00.007-06:00

If you know me at all, you know that I teach the missionaries at the MTC. And I absolutely LOVE them! We totally have all these inside jokes between just us 4 and I feel like they are my little brothers. Sometimes they tell me that talking about baptism with investigators should be like sending subliminal messages.
"So how was your day today....cough.baptism.....how's your family?" HAHAHA we do this all the time now!
Sometimes I call them elders to the 3rd power, or elders cubed, because there are three of them, and when they have unity, their power isn't just added together, but magnified! They are leaving on monday and I'M SAD! I'm gonna miss those little guys. I'll post some pictures soon.
Well the other day i was having my weekly interview with one of them. And He just kept saying "i can't speak Cantonese. And I think that no one likes me"
And I was like "Elder if you expect people not to like you, they won't! Plus, what's not to like? If you keep telling yourself that you can't learn Chinese, then you won't! You have to change how you feel about yourself. Every time you want to say that you can't speak Cantonese, I want you to lie back to yourself and say that you can. Say it all day long. Say it to yourself in the mirror in the morning. Say it in the shower, write it in your Journal. Just keep saying that to yourself until you believe it, and then it will come true"
I really believe this. Power of positive thinking baby. Well its time to take my own advice. And here is my own big crisis.....

FASHION.

I have very bad fashion sense. Since college i have come across a few people that have 'critiqued' the way that I dress myself, and have given me a complex about it.I buy clothes that are too big, bright colors, out of style but on sale, previously worn, and thrift store finds. Well brothers and sisters, i've decided to change this about myself. It's time to change my ways and get down to business.

two weeks ago I came home to find 2 clothing catalogues on my coffee table. I now dress just like half the girls in those magazines. Unoriginal? Probably. But who freaking cares because I look GOOD and people actually compliment me lately. I also copy all of the other girls at school....they look good and they wear army pants and flip flops, so I wear army pants and flip flops. They also wear skinny jeans and boots with skirts and cool scarves......fashion is becoming sort of an obsession for me. And therefore, I WILL be good at it. I mean, if brainless models can pick out cool clothes, shoot I pretty much have a college degree so how hard can that be? And i think I look just as good as them, even without plastic surgery. That's right. I said that. This is my fashion passion.

Here's a picture of some of the stuff I bought because I copied anthropology and Jcrew models......

my fave snack that I make for myself....

2011-03-15T00:55:00.005-06:00

Ok girls....or guys. Just whoever reads this....

Its time to show you my favorite treat. I LOVE pizza. I love it. And sometimes i'm too poor to buy it. Or just too darn lazy to make it! So I have come up with these little treats that i LOVE: baby pizzas! not to be confused with bagel bites or any of that other frozen crap that you pick up at wal-mart. Now I have never posted a recipe or other food making thing like this on my blog before (simply because I FAIL at making food....but I DEF don't fail at eating it!!!) However, i've seen some other kids do it on their blogs and its kinda FUN! This snack is SO quick and SO easy, that I love it and I make it for me and my roommates sometimes after school. Here's what you need:

A pack of english muffins
Spaghetti Sauce or pizza sauce
grated cheddar cheeze
turkey pepperoni and whatever else you want on it.

I think the pictures make it pretty self explanatory. And this mess is HEALTHY people!!!!!

Birfday!!!!!!!!

2011-03-15T00:36:00.009-06:00

nowit'stimetotalkaboutmy BIRTHDAY!!!
ok....i got older. woo. Newho, On to pics of the great celebrations.

On the friday before my birthday, some amazing friends decided to throw me a part-TAY at their house that is white. Its called the white house. That day after class we went to get food and glow sticks, and then picked up some friends to go eat at this amazing place......BOMBAY HOUSE!!! Its REALLY yummy indian food and I don't even remember what I ate because my friend picked it out for me, but OMG I want to marry this food. hmmmm.

Then we dined for so long that we forgot that our party was starting without us!!! So we ran home to make the playlist of Jamz. Everyone that is ANYONE in the prov was there people. Even some random people ran in and crashed the party as if they were invited. My new soon to be roommates also came, but did not make it inside because they were outside having deep deep convos about life. As if that's more exciting than dancing. Several moves were busted.

On Monday my amazing brother and sister took me to my now second favorite. Second only to bombay house that is. and thats CRACKER BARREL. There is no other place where you can eat mom's home cookin, play checkers on your table, and go shopping in an old country store all in one restaurant!!! My sister also gave me a sweet sweet outfit from forever 21 to wear on my REAL birthday. And there weren't any tags on it so I think she might have re-gifted it. But that mess is hot so whatever.

On Tuesday, 2 of my married friends came with me to SLAB!!! Its this place under campus plaza where you eat really really ridiculously large slices of really really good pizza. Stephanie and I have been friends for like years, and she lives accross the street from me with her husband! Abby slept in the bunk above me in London, and at first it drove me nuts that she always got into her bed at like 4 in the morning after doing art projects and woke me up with her snoring every single night!!! So-because of this of course we were destined to be friends. These 2 supported me non-stop from the time we got back from London, to the day that I left on my mission. And they even wrote to me!!! I love you both! And Abby even has a baby now.....he is just THE. CUTEST. THING.

Then later that night. Fro-Yo. my favorite treat with some of my favorite people. Need I say more?

Things i just need to say.......

2011-03-13T09:25:00.004-06:00

For the 2.5 people that actually read my blog, I recently changed it alot. It was neglected for a long time while I was out searching for myself in the big big world. And one day I decided to re-visit it, so I clicked on it and waited for it to pull up. at first the link didn't work, which I took to be symbolic irony. Kind of like when you are tryin' to be friends with someone and you click the "let me in" button, and then you just wait, knowing that some day they will open up. But you might have to wait while first just the blank page pulls up but nothing else, and then one by one the little boxes fill in so that you can see the whole picture. People are like this to me.....yes they are like web pages that take forever to load because my internet is crappy. I dig for people, and I try to fill in all of their pieces until I can see who they really are.

Well this one day, my blog just didn't feel right when it FINALLY did load. It needed a big change, just like me. The first thing that came to my mind was "beautiful disaster". Now I know that this is a song by Kelly Clarkson from FOREVER ago. Lets just be clear that my blog is not named after Kelly's song. The beautiful disaster is my life.

Lately I feel very RESTLESS. My friend brooklyn and I were talking about this the other day and it made me realize my restlessness in full. Because before I know I had it, but I hadn't given it a diagnosis. As of late my mind seems to be flying in a million different directions, and i grab it and try to make it sit still and concentrate, much in the way that you discipline a naughty child. But it just WON'T. I think about people that I love and that I want to love me. I think about life. I think about summer, I think about the places that I want to run away to, and about books and other things that will fulfill me more than what I am doing right NOW. And then I wonder, why I'm not happy with my life right now?

I have so many happy moments. I have so many people that love me. I try my best to do what's right, even though I could be so much better at this I know. And so I look within myself to see where my void is.

And I think the void is me. Within my mask, or my facade. Within my fear. I'm working on it. But stuck within my mind I seem to be in my own world and I don't even realize that my homework is due, or that people called me. And my life starts to turn into this disaster that is just blowing to and fro without an anchor grounding me to my responsibilities. RESTLESSNESS. And before I know it i've spent my homework time looking at Anthropologie catalogues or reading posts from my best friends' blog hoping that I will feel SOMETHING. or passing mindless chat with people only to realize that it is midnight and my crap still isn't done. This mess is ridiculous people.

But the search that I constantly undertake is a noble one. I think the search for one's true self and the ambition to unveil it to the world is the struggle of many people. Because we all just want someone to know who we really are. Human kind NEEDS expression. Expression of Self, love, ambitions, passions, and emotion. And I think this is where my music comes into my life. While I was gone I forgot why I am a musician. I forgot why I need music in my life. I mean, I was so shut off from music for so long that I came back to a chaotic jumble of new artists, sounds, and beats that just didn't quite make sense at first. This musical chaos seemed like an unknown black hole to me, and therefore I just convinced myself that I'm bad at it so that I wouldn't have to deal with trying to go back to being SO SO good at music like all of those kids at school are. Convincing myself I hated my major was easier than the daunting task of going back into it. But music is expression. And I need that right now. Writing is expression, and that is why I write this blog. Not to be all funny and sarcastic, or just talk about random happenings in my life, or to tell you about food. (Which I will occasionally write about, don't get me wrong) This blog is a glimpse into ME. It is the expression of my soul, my life, my emotions, my struggles, and my triumphs. And while I feel like a disaster and even feel really vulnerable at times, I NEED this. When I am vulnerable, I know I am being brave. Because I choose not to hold up a mask.

I am also a woman of multiple personalities. And that confuses me.

Personality #1 Heartfelt. This part of me talks to my missionaries, and teaches them about the Gospel and about how God can fill up our voids. This is heartfelt Emily, and no one else except the missionaries really sees me like this because it makes me feel vulnerable. Do you ever feel like sometimes when you speak, the words aren't your own and you are just moving your mouth, but the things that are coming out are so powerful, like beyond the power of yourself. This is how I feel when I talk about the gospel. And the feeling of love lodges itself so deeply in my heart that I can't feel anything else.

Personality #2. Fun Loving: I like to think that I am pretty funny sometimes, even though i'm probably just dumb. I love to act like an idiot!! It's just really entertaining to me to do stupid stuff, and watch people laugh. I love to laugh! Its one of the only times that I can feel that everything else that I'm thinking about or worrying about melts away and I am really me.

Personality #3: Professional: At school I have to speak with professors all the time about classes, or about the club that I am the president of. I don't really like acting like this but I am good at pulling it off, and faking like I know what I'm doing. Because of this personality, I think some people might be intimidated by me.

Personality #4: Sarcastic. When i get into this mode, it spreads through me like fire and I am completely different. Because sarcastic me has alot of the old, colder me in it. When It comes, it feels familiar and comfortable so I figure that it must be part of the real me. Personality #4 Judges people. It acts like it is better than everyone else. Personality #4 Is intimidating. It is not afraid to mouth off, or run red lights, or just do whatever it wants. It's filled with young energy and nostalgia of moments of greatness. She also doesn't care about what anyone thinks or about their feelings, which is where she gets her feeling of power from. She doesn't let herself need anyone, not even God. Despite how bad this sounds, a lot of people really like her. This personality confuses me alot. And when it takes over it feels good, and in control. But afterwards I know why sarcastic me is not the real me. Because she is not real. Her confidence is fake and protects her from letting people see that she struggles, and that she is sometimes insecure and easily hurt. She comes out when we want to hide. This personality just feels so different from personality #1, and I wonder how so many different sides can be within one person!?

Needless to say, coming home from a mission has really thrown me up in the air, and given me a chance to grow, along with alot of room for self discovery. Maybe this is just a life long process for me. But whenever I think about this I know that everything that I am going through is for a reason. And therefore, It's beautiful to me. All of the moments that I felt like I might never be normal again, or the tears that I've cried; the friends that i have because of it, or my fearful moments that people will not accept me; all of the millions of mistakes that I have made. I would never change any of it. Not for a second. This is who I am at this point in my life. I'm thankful.

The love of my life!!!!

2011-03-10T23:53:00.007-07:00

Alright alright I feel a need to post something good so that the first thing people see when they come to my blog isn't expletives (see below post). Therefore, I am going to tell you about today: THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!! I like to be dramatic so i'm using all caps.
What's good about today my friends? WELL for starters i literally felt my soul thawing out as i walked across campus doing the many things that a busy girl such as I would do. I was walking to the travel agent's office to get my ticket to china for the fall....which isn't cheap by the way. I walk into the office and there are a bunch of kids just haphazardly standing around. I say "is there a line? line anyone?" No response. So i walk straight up to the lady's cubicle. Then some shaggy looking kid with his hair brushed in his face looks up from studying his shoes or whatever to say "umm, this is the line. That's why I said 'line's here' like multiple times." Speak up kid....THIKING things don't count as saying them in the real world. :) your words obviously didn't even make it out of your mouth past your 90's bangs. So i parked myself on the bench just outside the office to wait. Then, right at that moment I look up to see...the most glorious thing I have ever seen on a warm thursday afternoon ever in my whole life....

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. yes that's right. less than 10 feet away from my grasp.

In the bottom of a lady's stroller parked right in front of me were boxes and BOXES of sensuously thin minty goodness! I freaked out and seriously thought about kifing(?) them right out of the stroller and makin' a break for it. But then I thought that the lady looked pretty butch, and might catch me and beat me to a pulp if i tried to run away with her kid's cookies. Sitting there looking at those cookies... i was about to go insane. My primal instinct to eat cookies was so strong at that point that i would have shanked an infant for those cookies. So i just blurted it out:

ohmygoshwheredidyougetthosecookies?????????

"i'm selling them! would you like some?"

"ummmm YES. CHAAA! I will buy every box you've got"

unfortunately I only had about $10 cash on me, and it was a miracle from Jesus that I even had that. And when I say a miracle, i'm not being sacrilegious. I needed those cookies for my SOUL. Homegirl with the baby stroller saved my soul today. Halleluia!!!! I purchased one box of Tagalongs, one Thin Mint, and one Samoa. I will insert a picture as proof.

Now here I am, excited to have the love of my life back in my arms. This is a tender moment.

lots of other great things happened today too.....like when I found 5 more dollars in my wallet after the cookie incident. YAY! Except I was kind of pissed cause I could have bought more cookies!! I actually got my practicing in for the day, which i HAVE to do so that I don't look like a complete idiot at my upcoming recital. I saw some of my best friends! I blew off homework AGAIN....and then just embraced the fact that my brain is almost complete mush and almost useless. which must be why i've lost my phone like EVERYWHERE lately and always do other totally ditzy blonde stuff like put my baby powder in the freezer without thinking. Yikes! ALSO, my room had a birthday EXPLOSION!!!!

good thing I didn't die......

BEST DAY EVER! Ok not ever, but still pretty good. birthday updates forthcoming with PICTURES!!!!!

Bad Day

2011-03-07T18:39:00.004-07:00

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I'm kinda pissed at life right now...........if you couldn't tell. AND while i'm venting you know what i HATE? I hate it when people call you because of whatever reason (hang out/date/bug you about stupid group projects/etc) and after they say bye they say this:

"Ok we'll see ya!"

OK.....you will see WHO??? Pretty sure it's JUST me here!? What the crap? And "we" is just YOU. did I accidently call a business or something!?? Thanks for capitalizing on our relationship to get personal gain JERK.

Oh and I hate boys that wear skinnier pants than me.
And I hate the girl that lives above me that always plays DDR earrrrrly in the morning when I'm trying to sleep!

I HATE EVREYONE RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWW. Ok not everyone.....but UGH!!!!!!

What's this!?

2011-03-07T01:20:00.003-07:00

So I've taken a pretty recent over-obsession with YouTube Videos. I have tons of favorites but here's one that just makes me smile :)
"WHAT'S THIS???" I love the puppet too....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1Cy09VFETg

I NEED MORE YOUTUBE......post your fave video please!!!!

Hunger Games

2011-03-02T23:37:00.003-07:00

I am shafting my homework for THIS:

I'm so stoked! My life is so happy right now! i eat soo well! I go out with friends i love! I exercise. I sleep. I dance. I practice my craft and I am beginning to love it again! I have cut the nast out of my life. I pray, I sing, i laugh, i love, and I READ!
B's get degrees, but women who go crazy from too much stressing over school and not enough lovin to their soul DON'T.

Wish me luck. Hope I pass the semester.

Holy sloth.....

2011-03-02T01:16:00.003-07:00

So i'd like to apologize for my blog being so boring lately. To make up for that, here is a picture.....

according to my sister.... "Sloths are the big thing right now" Well, here's a picture of an adorable/creepy sloth depending on who you are.

Whatevs....hopefully you are entertained enough by this to keep reading my blog.

And here's my new favorite Youtube video!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty62YzGryU4

Hahahaha!

Fate

2011-03-01T10:57:00.004-07:00

Something I think alot about lately is the way that people are connected, and how the people that are placed in our lives are not coincidence. I believe in fate. I believe in meant to be. I believe that our lives are guided by a higher power, and therefore I don't ever fear the unknown. Because it may be unknown to me, but it is completely clear to an all-Knowing God. Lately my life is always colliding in strange ways with people that have had a distinct and meaningful impact on me, and each of these people holds things in their heart that I need. And I think for some reason, they need me too.

Last weekend we had a music education workshop at school, and the speaker Brother Mac said:
"We are always affecting people even in ways that we cannot control." And I was like AMEN Big Mac, thats what I think about ALL the time!!! People are affected by everything we do, and we don't even know the effect we are having!!!

"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”-Goeth.

This power to influence for good is what i love about being a teacher. I really like this song by Natasha Bedingfield called "Touch". It talks about how random happenings in our life lead us to people. Here's the lyrics:

I was tryin' to cross the street
When I tripped and spilled my coffee
On a man who yelled at me
And then walked off in a hurry

Now he's gonna be late for work
So he called his secretary
Said to cancel his appointment with the guy in the lobby...

Who's been waiting for a while
And talking on the phone
Got invited to a party and thought he couldn't go

But he's here right now
Standing in my house
And someone turns the music loud

So we dance
And we laugh
And we touch

I was planning out my party
Running errands 'round the city
Gorcery bags full of drinks
And chocolate chip cookies

Saw a dress that was amazing
In the window of a boutique
So I went across the street
Then my heel broke and it threw me

I tried to catch my balance
But I was 'sposed to fall
It seems that spilling coffee
Was no accident at all

Cuz you're here right now
Sitting on my couch
Funny how it all works out

Every choice we make
And every road we take
Every interaction
Starts a chain reaction
We're noth affected when we least expect it
And then when we touched
And it all connected

Ok so Natasha's story is about some dream man that she ended up meeting at her party just because she spilled her coffee on some other guy while she was out. But seriously what if every time we tripped or took a wrong turn or dialed a wrong number, it was for a reason!? I knew some missionaries in HK that called some random number in their old area book, and they dialed the number wrong, got some lady on the phone, scheduled her for an appointment and then she ended up getting baptised. My best friend Lydnsi Shae and I met randomly at a friends wedding that we both happened to go to, and after that she just had this feeling like she should set me up with one of her friends. A week ago I happened to text my friend Ken that I haven't talked to in awhile and invite him over right when he was goin' through some rough stuff. He came over to talk and said "its just really strange that you texted me on THAT day" and I was like 'NO it's not! I don't believe in coincidence." And he and I were kinda goin through the same struggles......and we laughed it off togehter!!! I love how God brings people together!
I'm thankful for all of the people that just haphazardly cross paths into my life and have 'touched' my heart lately.

I'm so happy....

2011-02-28T00:38:00.003-07:00

Life is crazy right now.....And let me just be honest. Lately I feel like I have no friends. Yes I have convinced myself of this, and let me tell you it SUCKS big time. Now, before you go feeling sorry for me, just read this whole post. Yes people call me, and they say hi to me at work and at school. People smile at me and they remember my name. But behind those smiles it just feels empty and I feel like no one actually KNOWS me. I NEED PEOPLE IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!! I need friends that will just laugh when i'm mouthing off cause i'm pissed about whatever, or that will lend me their shoulder if i need to feel sad for a little while and I don't want to be sad alone. And where are the people that i WANT to tell my life to because they will understand and have felt the same way? I'll tell you where they are. One lives accross the street, and one lives up by the temple; and they have a new best friend. One lives in hawaii, one in Pittsburg, one in Orem, and one in California. And because of this, they just can't be there every second I want someone to go eat with me, or have dance parties, or listen to the madness that is my life right now. The other day I felt like I just had nothing. And I know this isn't really true ,but thats how it felt. And Let me tell you, I've forgotten how to make friends. One of the most basic of human relationships.....I feel clueless on how to instigate. Because before I had SO MANY friends, and I didn't have to do anything to make new ones because I just met new people through them, and I knew that I would like them because they were friends of friends. I feel like finding people that are LIKE me and making them like me should be alot easier than it is right now. So the other day, I was just so mad about this part of my life that I had a mini melt down in my room and stuff was flyin' and i was cursin and the room got trashed, and all of my annoyance was aimed full force at the awkwardness that is ME!!! And I said a prayer in my heart and asked God to just have ANYONE, ANY of the people that I love to find me or text me or call me or just SOMETHING. And these past two days, people that i have been missing called me! They texted me! My BF offered me her Guitar Hero!!! YES!!!! This is something to celebrate in itself!! My bf in Hawaii called to ask about what cough medicine she should buy lol.......hey every little bit helps. Several other girl friends that i've been missing said they would come to my birthday party!!! Some amazing girls took me under their wing and with them to sweet sweet dance parties! And my sister and I-for one of the first times in awhile, I felt like I am actually cool enough to hang out with her now! I'M ACCEPTED!!!! People DO love me!!! Right now I just have the distinct feeling that someone is looking out for me........and i'm so thankful for it. Thanks God. I love you.

Hellogoodbye

2011-02-26T00:14:00.004-07:00

On Tuesday I saw hellogoodbye touring their new album "Would It Kill you?". AMAZING. I got some pictures on my phone, but i'm technologically challenged and haven't figured out how to upload them yet. But the balance on their vocals and playing was amazing, and on almost every song the lead changes from and acoustic to an electric guitar or a ukelele. They rocked out man! And the nerdy one with the glasses (Forrest Kline) makes the most adorable nerd i've ever seen. He cracked corny jokes throughout the whole concert!!! I want to marry the hot nerd guitar man.

here's a pic.

and here's a video of my favorite song by them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TJKI4dWY8c

The video is kind of weird. So just disregard that and listen to the song. If you don't know this band please take a listen!!!! We were supper close too and I could see all of their faces! These guys are stellar musicians and performers!!! They seem like great people too.

Gold Hotel and Jukebox the Ghost were there, and I was equally impressed. We bought their CD and had the amazing keyboardist from Jukebox sign it. Just wait till they are famous.

Great first post mish concert :)

Word of the day....

2011-02-25T23:07:00.005-07:00

My freshman year my best friend Maretta and I used to have a word of the day. It was always something like an-noy-ing with the a picture of the girl next door that always came over and asked us to turn our music down. Well the word of the day is makin' a come back. And today it is:

HALITOSIS: (n) The fear of bad breath.

and I HAVE IT BAAAAAAD!! I am terrified of bad breath. And I hate it when people have proximity issues and want to come right up to you and tell you all about how they got a new dog, and some other stuff that I'm not listening to because of their NASTY breath ALL UP IN MY BIT'NESS. And so I have included here a solution for encounters with 'close talkers'

I think it's pretty self explanatory. Not so close now are ya buddy?

Blog stockers-here ya go!!!!

2011-02-25T14:17:00.010-07:00

My friend did this on her blog, and I kinda liked it. This is for all my new friends that now stalk my blog :) here goes....

Fifty random things about me:

1.I am an adrenaline junkie. I love rock climbing, four wheeling, snowboarding and wake boarding, cliff jumping and watching scary movies. And i've been skydiving too! I won't pretend like I don't get scared to do this stuff, but I love the rush. And ironically i've never broken a bone in my body or even been to the hospital. IM INVINCIBLE!!!!!!!!!

2.I hate wearing shoes. I love walking on the grass or sand or even the sidewalk with my bare feet. One time i even went to class with no shoes in revolutionary rebellion. I know this is kind of weird, but you should try it!! Its so liberating!

3.I have horrible fashion sense. My sister can attest to this. Almost everything in my closet (at least everything that looks good) was picked out by someone else. If its kind of weird or ugly or too big or some crazy color, then i probably picked it out myself. But I have a few of those things that i just can't let go of!!! Like an amazing lime green sweater from H&M that I just love. I love colors!!!!!

4. I always wished that I had an older brother or sister. I just think it would be cool to have someone looking out for me kind of like i look out for my brother and sister.

5. I never floss my teeth. Now I know this is disgusting, but I just hate the feeling of that waxy floss between my teeth! Its like nails on a chalk board to me!!!! im going to be toothless by the time im 35.

6. I type incredibly fast. And therefore I always write WAY TOO MUCH because i type at about the speed that i could speak. about 95 WPM. This goes back to elementary school when our teacher never made us type with the board over our hands, so i just always pecked around for the right letters. Then in Jr high i was the slowest one in the whole school.....i never learned! So my freshman year in high school, my mom made me take typing. I hated her for that!!! But i got really good, and then I IM'ed with my friends every single night, and i got really REALLY good.

7. I am a restless person. I love to move. I love to change my outfits multiple times in the same day. I love to change the song before it is done playing. I change who i like almost daily. I just need change in my life.

8. I am extremely nepotistic. I favor people I know and like. I will recommend them for a job over someone else, even if I have no idea how well they will do.

9. I can't hide my emotions. And my emotions tend to be on all ends of the spectrum....like really high highs, and really low lows. Not in a crazy way of course....but I also am NOT one of those people that just wears the same smile all the time and never gets excited or irritated or extatic about anything. If i'm enthused about something, I am VERY enthused. If I don't really like you, you will probably know because i can't hide it. If I love you, I love you ALOT. And you will feel it. If im upset, or irritated, you will be able to tell.

10. I have a secret ambition to be a girl scout troop leader. I love camping, and i love all the patches and crafts and campfire building. I love it all! And this is a perfect mom thing to do so if i don't have at least one daughter i'll just die because I want to do this!

11. I'm obsessed with Africa. I feel like one day when I go there my heart will both explode and go crazy because of all of the emotions that I have there. Whenever I see those little black babies on the TV with nothing to eat i start to go nuts inside! And when I see pictures of a savannah, a giraffe, or the people there with their beautiful tribal robe things and dark DARK skin, I feel ANGST for Africa. I also really want to beat a drum to some legit tribal music with legit tribal people.

12. I'm crazy for cheeze-its. And peanut butter. Sometimes I even eat them together and it's GLORIOUS.

13. I love China. I love everything about it! Especially the chinese language and the people. I could seriously eat chinese food every meal, and not get tired of it. This is partly from me actually having to DO that for awhile, but now the thought of american food just turns me off alot. I love rice and noodles and SUSHI!!!!

14. I love to dance! And i don't mean sweet little ballroom steps. This dancing resembles napoleon dynamite and step up 3D EXPLOSION! Arms and legs and hair everywhere! This is the most BOSS dancing you have ever seen! And it usually only happens in the car, in the shower, or in my room when i'm bored.

15. I love art. Looking at it and MAKING it! I love to be creative, especially watercolors or messy pencils. I like getting it everywhere.

16. Im super crafty. When i was in high school all the ladies at the church used to get together for their craft blitz twice a year. Every time It was my mom and tons of older ladies that came, and sixteen year old me! Martha Stewart living is one of my favorite magazines.

17. I'm not a girly girl. I love getting messy and dirty or wet. I pride myself in my mud football victories. I love to climb trees in my skirt. Im also a clutz. I drop my crap all the time, and i get more food on me than in my mouth.

18. I have the best friends ever. This really is true. I have friends that would do ANYTHING for me, and I love them so much......sadly most of them are married or don't live here anymore. But i've been blessed to have SO MANY best friends that never forget me! Because when I make friends with someone, I make GOOD friends. And they stick! Friends are one of the most important things to me. All the random aquaintances in the world can't make up for someone that KNOWS you and responds to you in the way that you want.

19. I wish I had more close friends right now :(......

20. I make jewelry. I got started when i was about 19 and I just never stopped. I think im pretty good at it.....at least that's what people tell me.

21. I am part deaf in my left ear. When i was 4 and my mom was doing my hair, she let me hold the bobby pins. One of them jammed itself into my ear somehow :) It makes music teaching a littler harder.

22. I feel destined to be a teacher. I've always loved it. I loved being an EFY counselor. I loved being a tutor and TA during college. I love teaching the missionaries at the MTC. I loved teaching people about God in Hong Kong. Hearing someone pray for the very first time is probably one of the most moving experiences I have ever had.

23. Teenagers are meant for me! They are so cool! And I like to think i'm pretty cool too so we go well together. My friend used to say that most women can't wait to have a baby or have little kids. But ME, well I would love my kids to come straight out of the womb being around the age of 16. Kinda True.

24. I love wrestling. I actually like to call it 'wrassling' because it isn't the legit kind that has weight classes and rules. I just like to run and jump on people!!!!! This also helps me get out any built up aggression. I busted a girl's face one time wrassling her. Don't underestimate me. I have pinned girls that are twice my size. My goal in life is to take a boy down in glorious victory: FACE TO PAVEMENT. Usually only my best friends that have some guts will take me on though :(

25. I've always wanted to learn Karate. I think number 24 can explain this.

26. I like to eat. I eat alot, and I feel NOOOOOO shame in that. I mean i'm still healthy, but I hate calorie counting. It annoys me when I see girls doing that.

27. I'm secretly obsessed with California. Not just the place. All things California. I love the beach and the chill attitude and the weather. I love food in California too and how most California people love organic stuff and rainbow flip flops. Music teachers also get paid alot more there, and the kids learn more than just CLASSICAL. If i wasn't from Texas, I would wish I was from there.

28. I LOVE TEXAS. i love Texas!!!!!! And i don't care if you are annoyed about this. It is the absolute best place on the planet. it feels like HOME there to anyone that comes. Texas people aren't too cool to make friends with the people around them. Come visit me if you need proof. I just love that place.

29. I hate capitalizing words. I never capitalize my name, or the names of proper nouns. I just don't like it and this is my blog so I don't have to.

30. My middle name is marie, same as my mom and grandma. My first name came from a lady on my dad's favorite TV show back in the day that featured Dick Van Dike as the star. That's how old it was and I can't remember the name. But he said that the lady Emily was beautiful and he liked the name. I secretly wish that my name was more unique though.I could see myself being called Summer. Or Autumn. Seasons are totally original right!?

31. I am a bonafide country girl. I eat okra and grits. Biscuits and gravy are a personal favorite. I abbreviate my words (like fixin'). I call people honey. I only like warm weather, and I like rolling around in the mud. I WANT a JEEP!!! I also think that farm boys are hot. YES. but not Utah farm boys. sorry.

32. I am one of the only people I know that loves almost every kind of music. R&B is my favorite. Like Chris Brown, Usher, and Ne-Yo. Ill admit I like pop music. Dance music is the best cause I can jam....MICHAEL JACKSON! I have a love hate relationship with Lady Gaga. I hate her cause she is nast. I love her because she's got so much talent. And when I hear Alejandro, Poker Face, or Bad Romance I HAVE to sing along. I have fought this tooth and nail but Lady Gaga wins every time. My fave bands are Dashboard Confessional, Deathcab Coldplay, Imogen Heap, Jack Johnson, Blue October, Regina Spektor, or Colbie Collait. I really like emo music. Think Dashboard's VERY first album. I love country too. Lonestar, Rascal Flats, and Taylor Swift are some faves. To name some more I love 70s, 80s, 90s, some techno, classical, opera, rap, and classic rock. I used to have all of Ludicris' songs on my ipod. These days Im tryin' to clean it up a little :) I DONT like too much screaming cause It sounds too painful to me, and I don't like my musical experiences to be painful. Alternative is sweet too. I dig Yellowcard, Ataris......OH yeah and electronic like Hellogoodbye and Owlcity.
THE LIST GOES ON AND ON!!!!!!

33. I want summer to be here NOW. That is my time. I live for swimming and being tan and chilling with friends every day. I can't wait for flip flops and shorts and long warm nights that you can stay out and play outside in. And SNOWCONES!! I love the snow shack in orem....they add creme or ice cream to your snow cone. And my favorite is the fuzzy navel.

34. I'm really hungry right now. Why am i writing on this blog instead of eating?????????

35. This summer I am going to learn how to play the guitar. My mom gave me her old one and i've learned how to play chords but i've never actually played anything on it. I just need that for my soul.

36. My parents have been divorced since i was 4. This is not the tragedy that everyone seems to think when I tell people because life actually got alot better for all of us after that. I have the best step parents in the world! how can you argue with having 4 parents?

36. I think about love alot, and what it means to me to love someone, or to love a friend. Love is so important to me and I try not to hide it when I love someone. All my relationships seem to be very INTENSE. LIke the kind of love you see in movies. Its big and its epic and its burning.....and I don't know if its gonna be there tomorrow or not, so I cling to every moment. This kind of love is so angsty, and kind of desperate. Somewhere in my mind I think that love should be more calm and constant; built over time out of mutual respect and not formed solely out of passion and raw emotion. Deep down I believe this is the reason that im not married....because i've never experienced this kind of love. I'm not even sure If I know how to love like this. maybe one day.......

37. I am impulsive! Most of the best decisions I have ever made where made in a split second on a whim. I mean I always have a plan but sometimes at the very last second I have a strong strong feeling to change, and so I go with it. I trust my gut and it's never gotten me into trouble yet. That's how I decided to serve a mission too. My poor mom always gets a heart attack from these decisions.

38. I have an attitude. My real friends can embrace that.

39. I need to feel included in a circle of friends, and I try hard to be accepted by people. It is one of my biggest fears that you won't accept me for who I am or that you will think i'm weird. I don't want anyone to actually KNOW that i try though. I try to play it cool.

39. In high school I ran track. I ran the long distance races and I trained for forever to run these. This makes me think Im pretty legit. I like to think that I started to get my ambitious drive from pounding out all those miles every day. However, the real reason I joined was because this boy I loved was running too. :) Convenient.

40. I really really really want to ride in a hot air balloon.

42. I always stay up late. I can't remember the last time I went to sleep before 11.

43. I have a love affair with life. It's up and down. One day i'm madly in love with it and another day i'm just feeling like it's blah. I also have a love affair with my Mac. And Adam Brody.

44. I am a letter writer. That is one of my favorite things to do. My words come out better written than in person.

45. I'm really excited for next month.....Cause its my birthday!!! And of course the festival of colors. If you don't know what that is you should google it, and then you should get out more!

46. I'm singing in a recital this semester. I'm both excited for the challenge and kind of nervous. I haven't done a recital in awhile. Its April 9th at 5:30 if you are interested :)

47. Sometimes I like to walk around the house wearing my favorite hoodie with the hood up. I secretly pretend that i'm a legit balla' or a little blonde bad-a or something. The only reason I think I can get away with this is because I grew up with a ton of black kids and they treated me like I was their own!

48. I hate chocolate milk but i'm addicted to chocolate soy milk. Go figure.

49. One of my VERY favorite things to do is to drive in the car with the windows down with my best friends. And we have to bust out our favorite songs together like its the last time we will ever get to sing them! Something about singing together and driving together just bonds me to people! I have some of my best memories in the car running away with my friends to california, vegas, moab.....! So if you go on a road trip with me, ill probably love you forever.

50. My favorite song all through high school was "A thousand miles" by Vanessa Carlton. Haha I know that's not like some deep song, but I liked it. Now its "Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab. Or "Hide and Seek" By Imogen Heap.

please watch this

2011-02-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

SHE is inspiring. Women of the world....we are beautiful.

Holiday.

2011-02-21T17:44:00.003-07:00

We have today off. YESSSSSSS. After working all morning and going out to eat to the new Thai place with a great friend of mine for some much needed life talk, Its time for ME time. Granted I still have to finish alot of my chinese homework that i didn't do for friday.....and a random mishmosh of musical assignments. BUT I am claiming this day as my day. Its our only day off from school dang it. So, im makin JEWELRY!

Here's some pictures of past creations.

THis can keep me entertained for HOURS! But tonight Im makin some for ME! All of my jewelry always gets given away or sold. And i love giving away jewelry. All of my family and best friends have pieces of my jewelry. It just makes me so happy that they would wear something that i made for them! I pride myself in that my sister wears tons of my jewelry and she is the PICKIEST girl i know when it comes to fashion. I wanted to start a legit internet shop, but it looks like im going to have to find a much better photographer than myself before that will ever happen. Look at the jewelry, not the photo quality ok. Any volunteers?

CONTRACT SOLD!!!!

2011-02-19T17:22:00.002-07:00

Im just so happy that I have to write this! I sold my spring/summer contract today by some sheer miracle. I posted It on BYU and then I just prayed my little heart out and a week ago some girl emails me. And then she came over to look at the place and loved it. But said that she couldn't buy it cause her contract hasn't sold, but her sister could! And today her sister came over and man Im just so excited. She bought it for full price!!!! Im so happy and yet she was a really cool girl, so its kinda sad im not staying. But oh well on to a new and better things in my life. I can just feel it..... This will be the best summer everrrrrr!!!!!! Now I just have to decide where IM going to live........hmmm.

here's one for the biebs.....

2011-02-19T12:58:00.004-07:00

So for valentines day i got a little more than a bargained for this year. My little sister lives at liberty square across the street from me. She lives with five little partners in crime and they all met freshman year. And since she came to college she seems to think that she is too cool to hang out with her big sister. You know that too cool for school phase that teenagers have? well thats what my sister is going through right now, and she's 20. Come on little sis? what happened to the times when you looked up to me and thought I was so cool? One time I was an EFY counselor and she was a participant at the same session and she was just so proud and excited that her sister was one of the "cool" counselors. And all of her little friends came up to me with this star struck look. it was so fun.....
Well for valentines day i got the privilege of being invited out with the girls to see Justin Bieber.......with 6 sophomore girls screaming and crying and taking pictures with his cutout that they BROUGHT TO THE MOVIE. Life size beiber next to us. Now i lived at liberty square too......and im not going to admit to how long ago THAT was. But walking from their apartment to the car with them screaming "get it girl! yeah! beibs...im gonna jump on THAT!" and just going NUTS was a weird kind of deijavu/nostalgia for me. I mean i like to have fun and dance and party as much as the next girl, but I realized i was a bit OVERWHELMED by bieber fever. So much screaming. So much beiber. So much 'mean girls'-esque attitude in my face in one night. I mean don't get me wrong, I love the biebs just as much as any girl. Im just a little more contained about it i guess. That doesn't mean im old right???? i like to call it being chill. But at the heart of it all, I was just happy to spend valentines with my sister, and to see her so happy (aka crying over Justin Bieber for 2 hours and singing all the songs!). Ok ok i sang the songs too. And i guess im still hip If i can hang out with 20 year olds and fit in just fine. Of course I appreciated the beibs so much more after that movie......It made me appreciate what a 16 year old musician can offer the world. And how far each of us can go just with some talent and a little persistence. Ive got at least that. So thanks Justin Bieber for Inspiring me. And for giving me an excuse to hang out with my favorite sister. On valentines day there was one less lonely girl :)

Spring!!!! .....psych

2011-02-17T16:21:00.006-07:00

So lately i feel like I am getting punked by the weather just ALL THE TIME! yesterday was a PERFECTLY fine day. That morning I walked to school with my ipod on Owl City, and a little spring in my step. It was spring!!! I swear!!! I was wearin my new skinny jeans too. and It just seemed like nothing could ruin this day. Seriously It was perfect!

My voice lessons went surprising well (despite that ive been infected with cold nast for almost 2 weeks!!) and I was EARLY FOR FORM AND ANALYSIS CLASS! if you know me you know this never happens....im late to everything. And I did my analyzation of Beethoven's Waldstein sonata before class. I got my last project back that I only spent an hour on and expected to fail, but a big fat B+ on it. OH man this mess has got to be connected to the weather. And the rest of the day went just as well up until I went into the MTC to see my missionaries. We worked on the Restoration lesson in chinese and they were in surprisingly good spirits for people that are about to teach a huge lesson in a ridiculously hard language that they had never learned before. And i left feeling like YEAH! things are looking up the world! Warm weather affects my heart somehow. It sinks into me and Im just happier. Then i stepped out the door at around 9pm.....

SNOW.

nasty nasty snow falling everywhere. And I didn't even have my coat. This is not ok. And i hiked to my car with it falling all in my shoes and melting LIKE SNOW DOES. hey snow why you gotta melt all over me all the time???? Do i look like I want you fallin all up in my ride when I open the door to get away from you? Just who do you think you are snow?? You got some kinda nerve thinkin you can just bounce and then pop up into my life unexpected on the fly. A girl has limits here.

Snow,

YOU BEST GET GONE. Its over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3UjJ4wKLkg

Faith

2011-02-13T23:48:00.001-07:00

the basis of what we all need in life comes down to this one thing: Faith. Faith that everything will work out. Faith that we can do it. Faith that the sun will rise tomorrow. Faith in ourselves and faith in others. Faith in the gospel. And that faith will drive us forward with a power that comes only from within us, that is sprung from the depths of our soul. Our faith gives us power to change the world if we only believe that it can be changed.

dedicated to a woman i love.....

2011-02-13T23:35:00.006-07:00

Dear Lyndsi:

Remember those days when i lived on your couch and nothing else in the world seemed to matter except to keep the good times rollin? And we just soaked it all in as it came.
Here's to all our nights that we stayed up all night and talked till 6 in the morning house sitting. The times that we cried while we told the stories of the past in california, and the times that we laughed till we cried on the way to freedom. I love you cause your the only woman that will wrassle with me on the front lawn.
honey,
i miss you.
come back to me.

This is me

2011-02-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't written on here in awhile....and Im really regretting that right now. Blog writing is such an outlet for me......
SO here's whats up with me.
I am a music teacher.
I am a teacher at the MTC.
I am a president of a club at school.
I am trying to survive classes, and plan my life. and i have no idea where thats even going.
I want to dance....all the time.
i am a slave to my never ending ambitions.
wow all of this was really intriguing. This leads me to my point.

I don't know exactly who i am right now. Im stuck in some kind of limbo between who I was and who I am becoming. And i fight it tooth and nail at both ends. I fight against myself........at what i think i should be, and what i am.

Just read the posts from the beginning of this blog to now!!! The woman I was.....she was ambitious yes. But she was fulfilled. She was free. She was confident in all things. She was STRONG. She was artistic and filled with witty things to say. She was funny. She was romantic. She was racy and bold and beautiful. This person I am now.....is different. And i just can't figure it out.....after bringing God into my life as my best friend, why do i feel so...so insecure?

But then i remember all of the things that i just can't erase. And i wouldn't trade anything for the person that I am today. I don't even care. And the "quiet dignity" in me will wear off, since lets face it thats just not me. But my heart will stand forever changed. And it has nothing to do with anything except that my heart is pure. My mask has been removed. I am raw and in some natural state that exposes my real emotions. And THIS IS ME. Please except me for who i am!!! PLEASE!!!!

I had a dream not too long ago:

I am surrounded by darkness....and i reach out with my hands to feel four walls around me, smooth and cool to the touch, but blocking my immanent escape. The walls come to small corners and the realization comes: i am in some kind of box. I slide my hands down the cold metal, and it combusts with my steaming skin. A collision of interests. My lungs start to burn for air like FIRE, pain that feels red and orange and makes your eyes sear. Everything is red..and the box lashes against me. first my fists, and then my feet and my skull. until the air inside of me starts to merge and swirl with surrounding energy that surmounts into violet and ripping of my center, through my fingertips and toes out into the small dark space......exploding in all directions.

And then I wake up. And i realize the box is social expectation. And i have to get out.

I have to get in the car and just run away....to anywhere. last weekend it was st. george. next weekend maybe cali, or moab, or your house or just SOMEWHERE. I have to roll the windows down and scream the words that someone else wrote to express themselves with my foot on the dash; all in nostalgic celebration of who i really am.

I watch the superbowl on sundays ok.
Sometimes i curse when no one is listening.
Sometimes i'm lonely! not for people in general, but for people that make me feel ALIVE.
I want to be a part of something....something epic. Even if it is epic to only me and one other person.
AND sometimes I even fart really loud when people are sitting just right there and i blame it on someone else! SOMETIMES I JUST DON"T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT my soul. And God. and my fulfillment. and the people that fly with me instead of trying to cage me. I just need another night to feel alive. Just one. Please.

I just have to laugh. dang.

there it is.....my heart splattered everywhere.

Valentines!

2011-02-09T02:41:00.000-07:00

I really love writing on this blog. It just seems to help me sort out who I am, what my personality is, whats important to me, and my style. So the thing that is coming up in my mind lately is.....

Valentines day.

Yes....its coming. Im not sure how i feel about it this year. I think I have only had a boyfriend for maybe like 2 valentines of my whole life. And i always still LOVED the holiday whole heartedly. I never even batted an eyelash at being single. And mostly i just really really love holidays. I always have. Ironically, my favorite holiday is Halloween! Oh man i miss that holiday...who can beat dressing up in crazy costumes and dance parties and begging for candy! I think i went trick or treating until I was like 19! And i would still go if someone would go with me :) partly because i can easiliy pass for a 16 yr old.

but thats not the point. VALENTINES day is on monday, and there are no costumes to hide under, and you only get candy if someone gives it to you. And im not sure if i even want anyone to give me any....sheesh. What a confusing holiday!

Usually my mom always sends me a bouquet of flowers....what a great mom! And me and my friends get together go to out and get our favorite girl food, followed by movies or just something to entertain ourselves. well, seeing as most of my best friends are married now, Im not sure how thats gonna go down. But i do know this.....

I have always stood by the claim that valentines day is NOT ONLY for couples. It is for love in general. And i got TONS o that! I love my family, and my friends dearly. I love my fish, and all my stuffed animals. I love flowers and those little hearts that have messages on them. They now have ones that say stuff like "tweet me" and "jump for love". my friend showed me the other day cause she had a box and took a picture of all the funny ones. Its kinds like those hot sauce packets at taco bell....you never know what message you are gonna get! personally i would love it if some guy asked me to marry him with a taco bell hot sauce packet but thats just me. cause i love taco bell. mmmmmh.

newho. I am deciding right now that i am going to celebrate valentines day! I am going to get boxes of those cheap hearts that everyone reads and noone wants to eat. And those little cartoon valentines that you get when you are a kid. And i am going to give away the love in my heart through bat man stickers and fold up messages. Get excited cause its going to be ding dong ditch style. OOOH and i think ill make my friends go to taco bell with me too.

YESSSSS. Best valentines ever.

Summer.....

2011-02-06T01:49:00.000-07:00

This blog has been neglected for a LONG time! Im so sorry blog! I will not forsake you any longer! I guess some of my lack of blogging has been out of lack of things to say. Or rather, fear that I have nothing to say that anyone else will want to read. But maybe just maybe I don't have to write anything epic on here for ya'll to like it. Maybe i just need to write about the thoughts and happenings of ME. Emily.
I started this blog I think back in 2008, lower bunk bed below Abbey Christiansen. Every night when I went to sleep in the london center that sits in Notting Hill directly accross from Kensington gardens, I just felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. And i would look up at the wood of my bunk and see all of the advice from the girls that slept in that bunk before me like "blade or die!" and "eat piggies from Marks and Spencers"......usual london advice. And I just remember everything that that place held for me. I am a person that really loves art. not just LOOKING at it, but CREATING it. That summer i was in a drawing class, a watercolor class, AND a conceptual art class. I will never forget those conceptual art projects.

One time, Joe (thats what we called our professor...he's so cool) gave us each a small plastic jar. He told us to fill the jar with 100 related things throughout the week. And it had to be meaningful to each of us. Some people filled it with 100 rain drops, or 100 threads. I filled mine with 100 colors, and i remember walking around the streets of london picking up pieces of trash in array of colors, as well as painting the inside lid with different colors of nail polish from the local drug store :) When we presented our jars, Joe had us move to outside the London National Gallery, where we stood with our jars outstretched. We created a blog with stickers and stuck them to ourselves so we coudl give them to people as they walked by. But the point is that we were a living art gallery outside the National Gallery. And our blog actually got hits! All of us were so stoked about it, and it just felt glorious to be a part of something so artistic.

I remember random outings with my friends painting by river sides, or sketching in the galleries. And even just the times when we got to create beautiful music for our sunday firesides. I got everyone together and pulled something out of my music stash, and we just had some glorious moments singing Prayer of the Children, Come thou fount, and Defying gravity with voices that still have plenty of soul in them. And i remember those moments and wonder where my passion for music got lost, and what I need to do to reconnect with it.......

London Changed my life so much, in so many ways. And that was why I started this blog. Because of my fulfillment by that place, and those people, at that time. And i wrote on it religiously until I left for Hong Kong. I owe so much to london. My passion for life and all art forms. My decision to go on a mission. My search for happiness and how to be BETTER. And that fulfillment led up to an experience that I could only dream I would have on another continent. And since I've come back, I feel like that part of me just died. The creating part of me was given over to tiredness and fatigue and the "just get through school" mentality. And why do i wonder why i think back to those times and just wonder where the good times went? when i felt like i was my full complete self and nothing could stop me. I know i need to re-find this part of myself. The part that runs through the grass in bare feet. The woman that is not afraid to tell people how she feels, or that she is scared, or express the love in her heart when it is scary. The woman that runs away to different places and writes poems and paints on canvas in the front yard on the grass with the sprinklers on. And all the people that always made me feel so alive when I was with them.....like when we were drivin' down the road in unbridled freedom with the windows down and "Marching Bands of Manhattan" on high.....what happened to them? what happened to me?

I really think there is only one thing that can save me now.

"In the depths of Winter, I finally realized that within me there lay an invincible SUMMER."
--Albert Camus

http://jarart100.blogspot.com/

THE SECRET

2011-02-05T02:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of this book? "The secret" By Rhonda Byrne? Its a book that I actually heard about for awhile but never bought because it was only in hard back. On my mission I had several investigators ask me about this book, and if it was true. And i couldn't really answer them since i had never read it. i mean its just a BOOK right. How can one flimsy little book hold the secret to life?
Well....this one does ladies and gents!

The secret talks about the secret to live and success in Relationships, health, wealth, etc etc. And it kind of just talks about the laws of attraction in the universe. Basically, if you have positive thoughts, you will attract positive things into your life. If you have negative thoughts, then you will attract negative things. you ATTRACT what you think about most. SO, if you are always scared that you are going to biff the big stair at school and fall on your face in front of that crush of yours, guess what, you are going to do it. Just because it is what your mind is focusing on. So we potentially ATTRACT our fears into our lives! So interesting! And i really believe this to be true because thats why life is always so ironic. If I spend all of my free time thinking about something I DONT want to happen, then it always happens! The person I was always afraid of being companions with on my mission, yup they were always my companion.

OK OK maybe im playing into some hype a little bit. But there seems to be some truth to the power of positive thinking. Just like in the Placebo affect. Sometimes we can make our body sick just because our mind convinces it that it is.

One example goes like this: A man in the book really wanted to find someone to marry, But he could never find anyone to even go out with. So the author of the secret came to his home to interview him. And he had portraits that he had painted everywhere around his house because he was an artist. But all of them were of strange women with their backs toward the painting, kind of looking over their shoulder as a side thought out of the painting. The author told the man "all of these women have their backs to you in the paintings. Why is that?" the painter explained that he just liked the paintings and hung them around the house for his enjoyment. "well, I want you to take them down and paint new ones. In each painting paint three women that are looking straight out of the painting right at you. If you do this, then you will have three dates every week" So the painter did just that and within a couple of months, he was getting more dates with beautiful women than he knew how to handle! All because of his own influence on his own thinking through his paintings. Then the man said "These dates are great, but I want to fall in love" So the author told him to paint it! And he did, and within a few months he met the woman that is now his wife.

Think of what is posted around in your room...are those the kinds of things that you think about alot? Or maybe the paintings on the wall where you grew up? I knew a woman that told me of a painting that used to hang on her mantle in her home. Her children saw it every single day of their childhood. It was a huge painting of a large boat, rocking on a tranquil sea. And she said that every single one of her children went off to join the navy, or live on an island, or work overseas. And she believed this to be due in part to that painting that they saw every day.

Now im kind of getting off topic here. But i DO believe that our thoughts make us who we are. They send signals and invisible airwaives to people. And i think all that the secret really boils down to is......get ready.....Faith. Simple old faith. If we believe good things will happen in our lives, and that everything happens for a reason, It will. If we believe things won't work out, they won't simple as that.

Wow.....

insanity

2010-11-18T10:45:00.002-07:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HARRY POTTER!!!! im goin CRAZY hERE!!!! I WANT HARRY!!!!!! And he should like me instead of cho chang cause he's so hot except for the part where he takes his clothes off on television (so i hear) and isnt very hot at all. DANG i even tried to watch this so called 'a very potter musical' on utube last night when i should have been writing my paper and that was just 10 minutes of the life that i want BACK please. Nothing beats the real thing. HARRYYYYY!!!

ghosts and patchwork

2010-11-15T22:12:00.002-07:00

SO TELL ME......

if you died, and you could immediately go to the after life, or stay and haunt people, what would you do?? and yes i am judging you by your answer lol.

I would haunt EVERYONE if i died cause MAN i want to know people im alive! so if i die, im comin to see YOU and YOU and YOU and ill be writin 'emily wuz here' in the steam in your bathroom mirror. just get ready for it. And if you could haunt people think of all the people that you ever had the slightest itch to get even with (COUGH COUGH NUSKIN)...think of their faces when its you flickering their fireplace on and off, or slamming all the doors mysteriously at night.OH MAN! or even the people that you know peeing their pants with when you show up hiding in the closet. so entertaining :) im snickerin to myself right now just thinking about it. hehehe

But i think we all need to be remembered. Cause we all want to be loved. I dont care if you admit it or not. You want it.

so lately my sister and I, when we want to have bonding time, we go to jillaynes house. My sister is a sophomore that lives at liberty square with all of the 'just off the mish' boys and sophomore girls. and whenever i tell boys that i have a sister, the response is always
just barely post adolescent boy: 'so wheres your sister live?"
me: liberty
j.b.p.a.b.: I live there too!
me: yeah stay away from my sister. she has bad breath ok. and there's no cure for that.
boy: weird looks.

Ne who jillayne is Dylan's mom, who is my sister's missionary boyfriend. And she is a MAStER quilter. i mean these quilts are pieces of art like you have never seen! not your average triangle patch work quilts here. these have swirling lines of fabric and buttons sewn on top and just QUILT EXPLOSION i call it. yeah im cool. we go there and quilt for like hours. and she makes us amazing spaghetti and homemade rolls and its just so nice to be in a HOME> with a mom. and its not even mine. and it feels so right. The other night over dinner on a saturday night the three of us talked about our childhoods, and our parents, dating, love, forgiveness, our spirituality, our imperfections and how they are just dang comical because none of us are perfect and we are totally content with admitting that......it was one of those conversations that just keeps evolving into itself kind of like the quilts that jillayne makes. It all fits together so naturally and beautifully. We were laughing and tearing up and bustin open. and suddenly i realized that i hadn't had one of those kind of conversations in a LONG.TIME. how did that happen? and sometimes i check my heart and it feels like its goin numb....past feeling. and i go a whole week without feeling moved by ANYTHING. thats not me. ANd this last week i finally went nuts and just cleaned out the closet and stuff had to go. people had to go. I got fired because god kept tellin me to quit and i wouldn't do it myself. Thank God for watchin out for a girl thats blowin free wherever life takes her. SO here we go:

I am strong as hell. stronger than darkness. bring the heat.
i am beautiful
my heart is full. and it is compassionate.
I am deep and full of contributions to this world
I do not need another person to complete me. unless that person is God
I am proud. And i wont back down from how i feel, who I am
I am honest. and genuine.

alot of changes are happinin and im just refinding who the real me is. Something big is being set up in my life. And im rediscovering who is important to me, what i love and not what PEOPLE tell me i love, what makes me feel alive. And i stole back my heart, my compassion, my love. Im not letting anything take that away. especially a job, or a man, or satan. NOTHING. I am more than acceptable. I am extraordinary. And so are you.

my treasure box

2010-11-07T01:05:00.002-06:00

Recently i made a necklace for my best friend that i call the "treasure box". Its really beautiful. and i wish that i had taken a picture of it so that i could show you guys. But it had a little crystal that looks like the big mirror that the evil witch looks into on the disney version of snow white. Ya know when she's like "Mirror Mirror on the wall..." and all that jazz. Yeah well it had that, along with a firey orange crystal and a purple pearl hanging from it on a really pretty double stranded chain. And it just reminded me of a treasure box. Especially the clash of the blazing crystal and the smooth pearl. Kind of like the clash within all of us. But which part wins?

today I was reading my friend's note about how she needs to 'move on' from her mission...But i wrote that she should just tuck it away in her heart, and when ever she needs it she can just pull it out and look at it, draw strength from it, remember it. And it reminded me of myself, of my own heart. And of all the little things that are tucked away in there. Its my treasure box and i hide so many things in this box that i hide from the world. Things that i hold dear that im afraid to let go of. LIke the night my first love kissed me. The day I saw my first baptism. The friends that are far from me now. The moments from my childhood that our family didn't feel so broken, and we celebrated just being together. The first time i heard my favorite song. The day I opened my mission call....and how I cried on the front lawn for like an hour that night. My trip to london. The night on my mission after curfew that I thought I might die because my heart was breaking so much, and I looked down and saw the message on the floor from God. The notes that my sister used to write me when I was away at work at Sonic. So many moments in my treasure box. And its times like these that I pull them out and stroke them, remember them like when you find a little memory at the bottom of a drawer, and you just pause and let your mind go to the place that it takes you. And sometimes you don't want to come back. And I try to remember who I was in those moments. And how it was so easy and yet so hard for my heart to love. And it makes me wonder how i could be so confused about who i am. And why I don't want to belong to someone. Because I have God so close to my heart, it seems as if that's all I need. But I think i need more than that. But still no one reaches for the treasure box. Doesn't anyone care whats in there??? . so it lies untouched. And some nights Im too afraid to open it myself. Afraid for the way that my heart beats and the sting i get from reminiscence. Sometimes Im just afraid of the future. Is it ok to admit that? There, I said it. IM AFRIAD. And it makes me latch my heart up tight. Why am i like that? Why does human kind need to pretend complacency to cover up the fact that we CARE about something? Because I do care. I want people to love me, not because the box seems nice. But for whats inside.

grandma and grandpa

2010-07-26T00:03:00.004-06:00

This weekend im at my grandparents house in houston for the weekend. My grandpa and grandma have a great history. Both of them grew up in the middle of nowhere kansas. They met when they were 17 and 19, got pregnant and got married. Grandpa was a refridgerator repairman and salesman with a killer personality and smile that made his customers swoon. Grandma worked retail at JCpennys, and they had my aunt when she was only 18. They had it hard for a long time, strugglin to make ends meat. And one day, as my grandpa puts it, Grandma wanted to see "space more than his face", and she took off. She was young, free, she felt like she had never experienced the fullness of her life. She needed to find out who she was. Oh how well i understand this feeling. And my grandpa didnt treat her as well as he should have treated a wife that you dont want to run away.
25 years passed......they both married again. Grandma married fat Tony.....a fat man with a bbq restraunt that he enslaved her in running singlehandedly almost immediately after they were married. I remember we went to visit them in arkansaw a few times for thanksgiving, and it was all barbeque barbeque barbeque!!! and tony sat there and grunted while grandma catered to us.
Grandpa married Ginny....the lost grandmother of my childhood. Her and i used to make snickerdoodles together, and she took me shopping and bought me a little silver bracelet with american flags dangling from it at a cute little boutique on the outskirts of houston, and took me to tea houses and plays. I remember thinking that she was so elegent, so beautiful. I really loved her.

In the meantime, grandpa got a job with waste management down on the bottom scoopin trash, and he used his wits to get up to a manager position. Over the years his charm and smarts for business werent overlooked, and he went up up up to president of government relations in the whole company. ANd while he moved up up up, he and Grandma Ginney got farther and farther apart. Seems like somehow money always does that to people. I always loved to go to their beautiful home....i sat in the comfy chairs and marveled at the mahogany grandfather clock in the front hall. I used to imagine late at night when it chimed that it was part of a fairy tale, and that i would find some secret passageway in that house that would lead me underground to a forbidden secret.

The day grandpa sat us down at chili's to tell us that he and ginny were getting divorced, i already knew. No one had told me, i just KNEW. i knew that look. i had been through that talk twice already. I knew the drill....take the kids to a nice restraunt to break the news. And i just remember these words...DIVORCE, and 'she doesnt want to see you anymore' i wonder if those were ginny's real words. I still belive that shes out there. and that she thinks of me. wonders what im like all grown up...and if i still have that little red and blue bracelet.

Then the next thing i know we are having a 'family reunion'...the first one of all time at a hotel in fortworth. Our extended family isnt even close...we just dont HAVE family reunions. And my real grandma came all the way from arkansaw. She hadnt been happy with fat tony for years, and grandpa had a plan. He and grandma reconnected, and he helped my grandmother run away from tony's house to her mothers. She left everything she owned, and when he came looking for her in a horrible rage, she hid. After 25years, grandma and grandpa were remarried, and are very much in love it seems like. And NOW they arent poor. Grandpa rebought everything for her, and more. So crazy the things that life throws you.

And this story just feeds into my question: how do you really fall in love, and not fall out? How is it that people have it, and it just slips through their fingers like sand. And you try to grab on, but it just keeps slipping right in front of your eyes, and you arent able to stop it. I dont want it to slip away.
THe other day my brother asked me: "emily....are you EVER going to get married!? cause it seems like you just keep running from it. its never that people dont want to marry you. its that the idea turns you off i think."
me: its on my to do list alex. ill get there. :)
Because he knows that i used to be that girl....the girl who runs. And i dont want to be. I know i need to be brave. and trust. But i know that i deserve something big. A person that, when we are together, we change the world. People should be jealous of us because of what we have. And the whole world stops and you cant breathe. BUt you dont sink....you swim. And when you see that person, you just feel that you belong together. I Know that this exists, and that i will find it. But only because i believe in it....i believe in miracles. And it doesnt end....ever.

china town

2010-07-19T23:20:00.002-06:00

So today i went with steve (step dad) up to his work. There are 2 people at his work that are from china, so of course he told them everything about me....probably even my height and weight, and social security number. he's so proud of us that sometimes he talks about us to people when we are standing right there faster than we can tell them about ourselves.

Well folks, lately when i drive places here in the metroplex, i get lost....ALOT. First day of work: took 2 wrong freeways. And i used to work there before.
Went to game night: lost for one hour. and i knew exactly where the place was.
Went to the mall to buy new lady things: lost coming home for 20 min, and ran out of gas on the service road, turning into oncoming traffic. this one was the most fun.
Im always lost! so after i gave a homecoming talk in the spanish branch the other day, steve made us drive the exact route to his work
"ok emily....now take this freeway, and turn right on PEARL. ARE YOU LOOKING? EMILY! LOOK....TURN HERE ON PEARL. now....drive up this way past the hotel, and park here in this parking lot"
Yes we even went to the exact parking lot. And parked. And then we practiced how to get out. I felt soo dumb lol because i knew that he was right! even without saying it he said to me, even with written out directions emily, you will probably still get lost. Im a horrible driver!!! those asians sure rubbed off on me. shoot i am asian so SHOCKER.
So today i followed directions as instructed. and he came to get me, and introced me to everyone and their dog at work, and they talked like they knew me or something. and i dont know them from adam! after a mission its kind of like that i guess. you've been gone and tons of ppl have heard about you and so they act like they are your kin and you are like woah buddy
SLOW DOWN. lol.
Steve's asian friends are Ana and Simon. Ana is even older than steve....a typical old school chinese lady. Shes very short and thin and wears glasses....but her accent sounds like texas. Simon is a typical chinese man. Short hair, glasses, power tie. Noticeable accent, and LOVES to feel important. so i just ask him about china and business stuff alot.
They took us to a place where you eat dim sum.....its where they have alot of little pieces of food thats steamed, and friend rice, and everyone just sits at a table and shares everything that we order. Its in China town in dallas! and when we got there.....i realized....everyone that works there is from hong kong!
In the car, i could tell from simon's tone when he said "well theres some hong kong ppl at this place, so you can try your luck with your cantonese" that he didnt have high hopes for me. I have experience with this.
We came in, sat down, and the first lady that came to wait on us, i just ordered in english. Then.....in chinese "do you have any fried rice"
Her face: stunned.
Then she said....ha ha very funny. Did you teach her that? (to simon)
me, in chinese: no.....i speak cantonese.
And then she was just speachless....like she had just seen a miracle or something. I think i scared her! and then i just kept talking to her, and she was like...."i just cant believe this....i just have to go" and she walked away!!!!
And after that all the waiters would come up to me and just automatically speak chinese. And they wanted to know who i was, and where i was from and why i spoke chinese....so well. and i said it was because of God. I wish they had believed me.
And then simon to steve: if my eyes were closed, i would think she was a normal girl from hong kong"
I feel like it.
And when i speak to them....i feel myself becoming someone else. Someone that i love....thats confident and bright and just is bustin at the seams with heart. And my whole face lights up and im just not me. But another part of me. I miss that part.
Simon paid for the lunch for all of us. Even though we went on the understanding that we would all pay for ourselves, I knew he would, but still I said why? he said: you helped our people for 1.5 years. its the least i could do.
Chinese people just love me. Im not sure why.....but probably because i just love them. Theres this connection between us. I can feel it starting in my toes...it feels deeply rooted. Like i knew them before. And as we left that restraunt and i drove back home....i felt desperate. I wanted more MORE MORE in my life. I felt it yesterday too when i was lost, and i popped in my cantonese pop to feel more grounded. because I wanted to go run back to any place there and meet more. and make them my soul friends, and just sit with them. love them. make one of them marry me so ill always have that feeling with me. Thats weird huh? yeah i guess so. huh.

dream

2010-07-08T04:02:00.004-06:00

the other night i had a dream.....and you were there.
And these last few weeks i dont ever feel anything....i mean my heart. it never feels. but not like when its in ice water and all numb. its like its just content....beating slow and steady. It never thinks or reacts.....everthing is just streamline all the time. Which is not like me....im not sure if this is the exception or the rule. Because my mission drained up all my emotion.....i just kept pouring and pouring it out of me, and nothing filled it back up. And all the things that make me feel...all my emotion. all of my pain. everthing. it just got swallowed up because someone else was crying, or hurting, or needing part of me. And i ripped out my heart and ripped it to pieces, and gave it away. and then i was running on just the Soul and heart that God gave me, but it felt heavy. too heavy to carry. and i realized that my emotion, my depth that i was carrying around.....i just had to let it go. I had to lay it down. Because my emotion was my own pain.....the baggage of my life that im so proud of. Sometimes i am so proud of my hard things.... i hang on to it as if it makes me special. The things that make me deep....beautiful......emotional. one day i gave it all to the lord. And then i just felt light, and easy, and the deepness in me was just....gone. the PASSION that is emily....gone. And now instead of feeling like a tornado, runnin wild all the time, i just feel like a spring day. In the middle of a snow storm i'd still be smiling...unaffected.

My music teacher once said: Everyone wants to feel. Its why we do everything...because we are searching for it. Yearning to feel SOMETHING. and that is why we crave music. because it moves us. It flows through us and aligns with the wants and needs and emotions of our heart. And when we listen to music we create a certain emotion in us. ANd it might make you feel WILD or passionate, or free, or just make you float away to a different place. That's what i want now....i just want to feel something. I want to feel wild, and dangerous and young. but I'm scared to let this feeling overtake me. Sometimes when my emotions get the best of me, i spin out of control. the safe, organized and responsible missionary in me is fighting this need. I want to feel PASSION and LOVE. even if its raw......i want it. I want to feel my heart break and bleed, hear my own screams reverberating off the walls. I want to feel out of control....why do i want this? NO idea. But maybe its something to do with seeing you......in my dream.
I didn't think i'd feel anything. anything at all. but i did. just like before. i felt the force between us. And i remembered what its like. i wanted more....that scares me.

I'll light you on fire, and watch you burn. But you wont even notice, cause you like the way it hurts.

sister masterson is SAFE
emily is combustible and unpredictable.........
So who am i now?????

the battle with the window

2010-07-03T01:16:00.002-06:00

Today it rained....ALOT. And it couldnt make up its mind. Really hard pounding rain, sunshine, pounding rain, little wispies, lots of clouds making you think its clearning up, then pounding rain again. Luckily i still got the see the fireworks after the ranger game.....caues SOMEBODY would have had to bite that bullet. i LOVE fireworks.
But the rain reminded me of a story from my mission that i want to tell you. Since thats all that i really have thats meaningful to talk about these days lol.
In HK (really pronounced H.K....thats what the cool kids call it :) ) there are typhoons. A typhoon is like a rain cloud thats all built up from the waves of the ocean and stuff, and when it moves over HK it will rain ALOT and and very high winds and speeds. yes this is my legit definition. neways typhoons mostly happen in the summer, when its SOOO hot that you can feel sweat dripping sun up to sun down. And showering doesnt seem to help because after, the hot water just kind of sticks to you....and you dry off and dry off but it just doesnt work. And your clothes go on all sticky because of the humidity. But God throws you a typhoon every once in a while....just to shake things up. But i only experienced one big one.

last summer while all of you were having summer flings and eating snowcones and going to the pool, i was in HK with my chinese companion. Her name is Sister Tsui (CH-OY). Just say it however you want because its too hard to say it right anyways :) Shes a little asian girl that loves stuffed animals and spongebob, and she kinda looks like me, just asian. We lived together just the 2 of us during the summer. Luckily we are really great friends. On the 4th of july i told her i really wanted to celebrate. She said...."Why?" i said.....because i need to celebrate my countries freedom! she said "ok whatever. lets go get SUSHI!!!" so that was our celebration. My chinese 4th of july with china Tsui And i cut up a watermelon when we got home and hummed the national anthem as i cut. It was one of those little baby watermelons that only like 2 ppl can eat anyways, and Tsui doesnt like watermelon. So This was my own little tribute to my own heritage....which was slowly slipping from me.

One night we came home, and there was a sign raising the alert of 'LEVEL 10 TYPHOON', which is the highest level. All the windows had tape X's on them, as if that will protect them from being blown out by the wind lol. If its 8 or above, we cant even leave the house. But we had to sleep at 11 anyways, so i didnt think anything of it. Then at 2:15 am i woke up and the windows were rAtTlInG and everything was sHhhhhAkInG and water was literally pounding on the walls. Me and my companion woke up at exactly the same time.
Tsui: do you hear that?
ME: WHAT IS IT?
Tsui: I'm scared! We are going to die!!!! come over here!!!!
So i went and crawled into her bed and we huddled under the covers all scared together.....and THEN we heard this huge CRASHHHHHHHHHHHH that came from the back office.
And i jumped up, ran back there, and turned on the light only to see that the wind and smacked open the window and water was POURING in, and all of our desk stuff and other stuff was on the floor getting soaked. So i ran up to the ledge infront of the window and put my hand out to pull it back closed, but the wind was too strong. So i put my hand out behind the hinge to try to push it closed, but after i got it a little ways, but then the wind suddenly SNAPPED BACK, and it almost cut off my hand between the hinge and the window edge. And I screamed AHHHH and looked down and my clothes and i was soaked head to toe, and i yelled "i CANT BELEIVE I AM DOING THIS RIGHT NOW! I CANT BELIEVE I AM IN CHINA IN A TYPHOON DEALING WITH THIS AT 2AM." and my companion was laughing hysterically at me declaring my disbelief that this was my life. the battle with the window in china. With a little chinese girl laughing her head off at me. Have you ever felt like your life was so crazy it just couldnt be real? because this was my whole life for 1.5 years. And i miss it so much. Making the drive from the airport back to my house here was so surreal. I felt like i had just had a bizzare dream where i went to china and learned chinese and changed the world.....and then....i woke up.

the chuck norris bowl

2010-07-01T00:47:00.000-06:00

OK so im back from Utah, where i stayed with my best friend stephanie, who just got married to one of the greatest (and possibly wealthiest) men in all of utah county. His name is Devin and he's about 5'6 with blonde hair and likes to wear skinny jeans, but not the tight ones. And when he talks, you can tell that money doesnt even matter to him. I like that for my stephie, even though they live on a huge estate up in the wasach mountains that overlooks the valley, and they have their own tennis court and playground. back when devin was still on his mission, i used to help stephanie house sit his house while his parents when on vacation during the summer. And on the first visit i got all lost on the twist and turney roads that lead up to the gate that is covered in white Christmas's lights. Then when steph had to let me in and i drove down the long drive upto the gorgeous white Victorian style house, i just couldn't believe that THIS could be devin's house! Now you might be wondering what house sitting actually entails. Well....it includes sleeping at the house and 'watching over' it (how do you do that? its like babysitting a fish!), eating really really good chocolate wedding cake in the refrigerator (the kind that is disguised to be like a wooden cabinet or something, but its not), sleeping in a queen size memory foam bed with a view that overlooks the whole wasach front, and playing on the blue grand piano, which has silver stars and is one of a pair that was actually created by and played by elton john. hard life huh. Oh and we also had to be responsible for receiving misc packages they got like surfing boards (in utah?) and let out mogley and shadow for awhile, but never at the same time (the 2 dogs). This part was probably the most entertaining because one time mogley, the little one, escaped, and shadow (the REALLY BIG ONE) magically took off his collar and chased him down the car park. And stephanie ran after them screaming SHADOW NOOOOOOOO) while i just stood there and laughed. OH i love that girl....and now shes married. I feel kind of like she died.....why is that!? why is it that when mormon kids get married, the single people have to have like a death ceremony for them. It feels like you'll never see them again and you have to put on your sleeveless (gasp!) black dress and cry and come to grips that its just 'us four now' instead of 'freshman 5!' or whatever. Dang....sometimes mormon culture is so weird lol.

So two mornings before steph got married, i was at her house. And every morning various gifts come. Like sets of tupperware, the thrid one of its kind thats come. Pan sets that are nicer than anything my mother has even owned. And that one morning, a big box came, and once she opened it she immediately started laughting and said "haha its signed from Chuck Norris!" A beautifully carved wooden bowl complete with little wooden spoon.
ok so whos gift is going to come next? The tooth fairy? Denzel washington? i mean really.
How annoying that the person that sent this gift couldn't even sign their real name!? who does she send the thank you note to! As i was voicing this objection aloud later that day, stephs cousin chimed in "no em....its really from chuck norris"
"HAHA yeah right."
her dad: "nope its from chuck norris"
"get real.....it cant really be from chuck norris"
Stephanie: "emily, its really from chuck norris! and his secretary sent us a tent!"
how the heck do these people know chuck norris?
Devin's dad knows him from the bodybuilding infomercial i guess. Cause he owns the infomercial franchise.
OH OF COURSE! how did i not know that this kids dad knows real walker texas ranger celebrities ?!?!?!?!? ;)

work in progress: thanks for your patience

2010-06-27T15:08:00.005-06:00

this blog is famous for its music, and right now i want you to scroll down and click the first song on the list by shakira, and listen to it while you read. This weekend consisted of lots of dance little dance parties in the car and jams on the radio.....and when this song came on, i felt like it was my song! but i didnt know the lyrics, or the tune. I just knew it was ME......which is huge because right now im peicing my self back together it seems like. The hip free go with the wind even if its crazy me and the calm constant but bold return missionary me need to collide in some way. But im not sure how to do that yet, im not sure what the result will be. And ive kind of hid myself from trying to find out....up until now. Because lately i had no choice.....i just had to face my old life and go through all the motions of awkwardly trying to be cool and failing miserably because all i can think to talk about is my mission lol. i think thats probably pretty normal! And while everyone is rocking out in bold dramatic led zeplin moves in the car, im just doin a little side to side shimmy, cause that feels cool ya know. And im playin it safe thus far, keeping my missionary collectivity and still keepin it real. But im sure how long thats going to last.....before i just need to bust a MOVE. So here you have it.....Waka waka by shakira. It talks about africa, and even though im not sure whats happening in my life right now or when im going to explode out and dance crazy or give my heart to a boy or sneak out and just go nuts, I KNOW that i will go to africa. This song is like calling me there! And there i will DANCE. with the little birdies and the monkeys and the shirtless foodless little african children. because i feel at one with the impoverished countries of the earth. and in the meantime ill just dance to this song and make my plans for when ill run away there. Thats at least one constant in my life.

2010-06-20T00:16:00.002-06:00

Hey....its me. Emily. Im back, and im writing my first post-post sister Masterson. And its kinda scary....i dont know who i am. I dont know what to write on this blog. Ive been to china and back....literally. Part of my heart is still there, so in a couple hours i might get my shovel and start diggin my way back. Down down down, into the core of the earth. Where ive buried my heart. and i have to dig it back out. Dust it off...clean it up, make it beautiful. I watch it pump, beat, morph into something else. Its me....yeah its me. My heart....its three sizes too big for my chest. And its having a love affair....with china. It needs to fall in love again....in love with being emily. living life. breathing and loving and runnin with the wind. in here....im ready....i think?

Wanna know my first gretting back to normal life? LADY GAGA in my face...in all her drugged up cracked out disco glory. Ever seen her performance at the VMA's? Cause thats what my sister showed me on my second day back. Nasty mc nast.....IN YO FACE. and then i was showed the "bad romance" video to boot. And i was so freaked out....and....then....i....couldnt.....stop WATCHING. And i watched another....and another.....and another! Her powers over came me!!! I wasnt strong enough to resist. and i was seen at my computer for at least 30 min with my eyes glazed over absorbing this media nast. And then i snapped out of it and slammed off the computer as soon as possible and ran away for dear life and hid under my the red blanket on my bed with my stuffed animal that my chinese companion gave me in china with my thumb in my mouth. But then....SHE WAS STILL IN MY MIND. playing over and OVER and OVER... "i want a bad romance", "alejandro, alejandro, alejandroooooo" AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! pray for me. lol

2008-11-24T00:45:00.001-07:00

10/30/08 in the London Book:
I am thankful. I am alive. I love the color of my life: Piercing orange that fades into a mist. That is the aura of my intensity. For i am like the rising sun. Awake from my frost. Under ice-i claw at the placid surface that encases me. No marks, except my fingernails are bloody. The cries from my burning lungs are shot backward with the fire of fear. I am alive, just giving my cells over to the wild. They rub together all at once-a collaborative effort from my crystalizing body-protecting itself. They are moving, holding, running, jumping for their freedom. DNA awaking from its natural placidity to rebirth the soul. My atoms repel the space of water. Collective friction in my fingers and then the sunrise braking from my womb, the center of my indifference. And summers day is met with melting hearts-beneath the ice that fades to nothing like the fleeting tick of time. And i arise without fear on my bare skin-my glow separating me from the monster. my orange has begun.

Im Listening

2008-11-22T22:19:00.003-07:00

This life is full, but not so much on the eventful side these days. Whatev, im fine with it. Im making a point here....i am SICK of talking about myself. I feel like people talk to me, they ask me alot of questions. They fuss over me and worry for me. Im not really treated like a normal person anymore....people see me as different. I can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices. I dont want to be breakable or worshiped or just anything besides myself. So this post is me reaching out to you.....tell me about your life! Just anything....send it to me in a text or a facebook or as a comment to this message. Cause i always want to know. What are you doing right now? What are you listening to? What do you hope for in the near future? What do you love? Tell me what you are reading, or surfing or just one of the biggest things that interests you right now? You dont even have to tell me if you dont want....just send it to me with your mind....im listening.

2008-11-19T09:49:00.003-07:00

Thank you for not giving up on my blog! You are reading this: and therefore i know that i still exist. I have not disappeared into oblivion. I feel so much these days, and yet sometimes i just push it into the closet of my mind and focus on right now. I forget that i am going on a mission or that i am burning so fiercely that few people can hold me in their hands.....and i just resume being me. Emily Masterson. I love this blog.....it is my outlet. It is my time capsule! i will come back from my chinese life and dig up this piece of me, the piece that is left here out in cyber world, cherished by you, those that i love. So many things are happeneing right now. A black man rules america! Gas is a mere 1.87.....not quite what it was when i first started driving. I filled up pookie my carolla then for only $14....yeah im getting older lol. My fingernails are painted black in symbolic rebellion, the last ounce i have in me. My hair is beautiful brown....the color that frees me from my indifference of life, and my urges to wear the mask that makes me the elusive blonde girl that always runs away and tries to seem perfect. More real. I no longer hide behind security for a sense of self. I wear my soul jewelry....tons of it. Bracelets from the osh and native america and my grandmother. I just came back from seeing her....i see myself. The fireball in ballin outfits with matching earrings and eyes that are fiercely peaceful and piercing at the same time. This woman could change the world. On my finger i wear a cross, the symbol of my lifelong journey to god. I scavange for the music on this blog. Each of these songs are important to me, and tell the collective story of my life. Listen to them; listen to the words and give yourself over to the music. let it flow through you. I speak to young women, i speak in church, i bear my testimony; i am now viewed as the expert on all things religious lol. I am a missionary! I teach my personal rules for life.
#1: Be fearless. Always be fearless
#2: DONT BE STUPID
#3: Heal; dont hurt. Undo the knots that others have tied.
#4: Send love to the Universe: Everywhere. To the trees, to the trashcans. the animals and the souls of the earth.

I love my music note jacket and sweat pants and journ and just ALL things music. I fight with my heart for the people i hvae loved, and those that i still do. I wish at 11:11! I wear my favorite snowflake leggings and pensecola florida tank top, and anticipate when i wont be able to wear these things anymore. I eat ice cream everyday! Cherry garcia, new york chocolate chunk, rocky road....just everything. I reach for my fishy and just worry for her and wish for her while i am gone. I wonder what she will look like on her graduation day, or her first day of college, on her eventual wedding day. I cry at the thought of missing any of these things....all in the name of china. I drive in my car with the windows down and the heat on blast. I sing in my hairbrush and drum on my dash....i let myself feel that i am alive! And i wonder at the moments that i know im not alone. I read i eat i pray i love. All of you are in my time capsule....ill remember you.

2008-11-03T21:46:00.000-07:00

OK something weird about me.....i LOVE stuffed animals. Its totally crazy and i have NO idea why. I thought it was just kind of a recent college thing....ya know....there is nothing wrong with wantin something to snuggle with at night! But lookin back on some old photos not too long ago, i realized that this obsession has been occuring for awhile. The little ones are the best. Like Moo....and if you dont know who moo is, i have no idea why you are reading this blog. Moo is just near and dear to my heart. I bought him for my best friend Maretta 4 years ago for her birthday, and he stowed away EVERYWHERE! Eventually She didnt really want him any more and traded him for some of my CDs....what a traitor! But JK because lets face it, we are all in our 20s and its just not normal to run around with stuffed cows in tow. Im not really that normal though so whatev. My friends just love me for who i am. Kinda unrelated but there is this movie called "Big bird goes to CHINA!" It involves Big bird and a chinese dragon and an ancient voo doo lake of glass or something....and a secret message that must be discovered...>OoOoOoOh! Its one of my childhood faves. Me and mom went to the library huntin for it the other day, but to no avail. So we ordered it off amazon....woot. In my mind, moo is about to be the next star in this blockbuster hit. "MOO goes to CHINA!" i just LOVE It. Oh and yes he is going to china....you best believe. hes already been to joseph smiths grave, italy, california, and stonehenge. China is just the next best place for him. See moo is just a nomad....he cant really help where he wants to graze can he?

2008-10-28T22:39:00.003-06:00

Its official....im back in texas, my homeland. After drivin with the windows down for 2 days, eatin french toast with bob and elaine: my moms best friend that lives in denver, and claimin the earth just beneath the border, i am here. Its an adjustment. I have a new life. I have new friends. I have a new home and a new room. A new Job. I am new. Renewal within myself is evolving everywhere. I cant help but think: this is actually happening. I am going on a mission to china. I cannot avoid it, nor do i want to. As i look back on my life in this familiar place, i realize what i have come from. I remember high school, bumpin around with the bums and sneakin out in the middle of the night. I visualize freshman year of college, eatin pizza on sunday and cursin up a strom, just to be rebellious. I re-live my revolutions and the release of my rage for the shortcomings in my life. I recall my tears and my prayers. I realize the beginnings of my humanity, and my desire to be a conduit. I am growing....always reaching for God. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. My pride is spent and i send love out into the universe fearlessly. More often than not i dont get it back. Its still worth it. My heart is growing....let me take your pain. But i cant...only Christ can do that. I still want to try. I am not perfect, nor do i want to be. Satan is real...he works from the inside out. Last week i wanted to leave for lunch without clocking out. My mind often tells me that i am worthless. On the way to work i turned the radio off to contemplate my life. I contemplated so hard that i missed my exit and got mixed up in the mix master. I was late for work (cue your shock) and got back on going the wrong direction. I cursed to myself.....WHERES THE D*** i15 WHEN YOU NEED IT? Yeah its not here. Someday soon ill have to face that. He won that small victory. crap. oh well...whatev.

from the london book:
Its all happening so fast. My life is a speeding train and im not sure where its headed. One thing is certain-ive been given a second chance. Touched by God and ive gotta believe that he has a purpose for my life. So why am i filled with self doubt? Plagued by demons-both real and imaginary. Frightened by the challenges ahead and haunted by the ghosts of my past. Goes God know what i am? Do i? Am i an angel or a monster? And why cant i see the difference?
This apprehension is the child of Evil personified, and i can overcome.
I will break free with my resilience. My reverence. THEN shall the shackles fall.
Love will tread out the fire of anger.
And from the ash i will rise,
and plant a tree of peace.

2008-10-23T22:04:00.002-06:00

i hate my new job. i sit behind that desk ALLLL DAYYYYYY and i just go nuts. my boss' name is amy. shes a skinny young little blonde woman with no family and probably no friends. Shes kinda funny sometimes and talks/giggles to herself. i can tell that she wishes she could be a nice person all the time. but she beasts at will man. And she works late every night. today she called me in and beasted and made me stay late till all this crap was done. i was at work till 8:30. and she was still there. this cannot go on. i will re claim my life....soon. im only gonna work for like 2 weeks so i can have money to go to tennessee and to take to oh i dunno, china. i wrote about amy today in my journ while i was angstin for asia....

"this job is killing my soul!!!!!! ive never hated a job so much. probably because i know what its like to have my soul completely fulfilled-everyday, for the last 6 months. my brain feels dull. the numbers and directions thrown at me bounce off into information mess on the floor. my reaction time is slow and my reception is weak. im trying to remember when that happened? Im at my desk trying to pay attention but my foot keeps tapping and i just want to get up and dance on my desk, write, call, text, websurf, talk to whomeever i can discover..just whatev. am i lazy? maybe-probably. i just want to love my soul. i couldnt care less about this spreadsheet. i just want to ask my boss...how are you complacent with your life being stressed out and grumpy with only numbers and letters and the ding of your microsoft outlook to keep you warm at night? Why dont you have a lovie or a friend to want to go home to? i know why you work late honey...you havent fooled me. i wrote that book. And your success can only hide you from your dark truth for a few seasons. Its raining outside but you cant feel it...its raining in your heart Allthetime. how did you get this way? what was it like amy when you went to china to talk busness and make deals? did you even let yourself enjoy it. AMY-LOOK AT ME! I STAND AT YOUR DESK EVERYDAY WHILE YOU BEAST! who are you?"

2008-10-19T21:11:00.003-06:00

sometimes i wonder that if i had a super power, what i would have. Flying would be sweet...if you think about it thats probably bat mans main power, and he does alot of good with that. I wouldnt want to hear people's thoughts....that would just be a bad idea for any of us. Seeing the future would just make us end up changing it...so that wouldnt even work. Tonight i was driving over to the minihouse. the needle kept dipping below E and i didnt even care. I just wanted it to run out of gas because maybe that would make time stop....make my life stop. Even for a moment so that i could make everything stop and just be silent for me. and watch the people frozen in time, being human. then they wouldnt see me crying or look at me driving alone, and i could just re live moments when i wasnt until i was ready to hit play again. I keep going forward going forward going forward. sometimes its just terrifying. and in that moment i just wanted the remote to my life. i wanted to stop it from happening, or rewind it, or just pause it or something. Maybe like sliding down the glace on timp and rocks are coming...a big one already hurt and cut my leg all up. I just dont feel like any more for awile, GO GO GADGET PAUSE. I dont want to limp down the mountain when i cant walk any more. Let my scraped leg heal PLEASE! i cant stop going down ward....or upward. or just whatever way im going these days. i may be a noun and an adjective and a verb all in one, but im not a DVR. And the car didnt run out of gas. it kept going, like my life. tick tick tick....minute by minute. the rest of my life goes by, and still approaches. i dont really feel like a hero or anything....but maybe i can be to someone and then it will be worth it.

2008-10-19T19:54:00.003-06:00

I am: a beautifully strong woman.
I think: about the present more than the past or the future. I get really distracted by what is happening with me NOW. I want you to be present tense in my life so that all of me can be with you.
I know: i am following my fate.
I want: the world to be a more loving place, and i want to be a part of it
I dislike: the coldness in me. and being alone.
I miss: lyndsishea brown
I fear: hurting others with my words.
I feel: the ora of my love and the love of my family.
I smell: orange-orange Popsicle!!!
I crave: my deepest fulfillment. i search it out relentlessly. And it seems that i will go to the ends of the earth to find it...but its probably in my back yard.
I cry: usually because i am mad and its my best outlet. But lately Ive cried because i am sad or scared. But not the painful kind. Just the temporary kind that goes away after you cry it out.
I usually: am going going going. But lately i just chill and eat alot, blog, and hang out with my best friend. Im going to try to get going again, but just one going. not 3.
I search: for love in my life. I don't really care who you are, just love me please. and love me unconditionally. Ill love you back, i promise.
I wonder: what will become of my life. and what it will be like in china. But lately i just wonder what life will be like after china.
I love: ice cream, and eating it with people who are closest to me. I love warm weather and rolling around with people i love! I love my soul and my self discovery.
I always: second guess myself. i hate that.
I worry: that i will be forgotten.
I am not: a hateful person in any way. or a house cleaner. just sayin.
I believe: that people can change their hearts and lives if they really want it bad enough.
I dance: ALL THE TIME. and yes its like no ones watching cause it probably resembles a fish out of water but i don't care. i like my groove.
I sing: in the car. but mostly just with anyone i can get to sing with me. angsty angst stuff is the best. singing together is way more powerful than alone.
I write: everything i think. i don't edit because i don't want my words to have holes in them. and i write to make myself more vulnerable, and so that others can really know me.
I win: at owning the most jewelry. Most of its hand made. by me.
I lose: My mind all t he time lately because i am so emotional! i also lose just about everything that i own on a regular basis. i have 3 sets of car keys and multiple cell phones just waiting as back up because of this.
I wish: Sister Ogletree would write me back.
I don't understand: tons of things about how the universe works. but i just try to forget about that stuff because i feel like i do understand everything that is substantial to my life. Like where i came from and where i am going, and stuff relative to that.
I can usually be found: At the connection on the couch not sleeping, but now ill just be in Texas not sleeping.
I am scared: of sucking at Cantonese. of losing my voice forever. of someone hurting my younger sisters.

So long sweet summer

2008-10-14T01:43:00.003-06:00

It is COLD. i had to pull out my sweater and mittens and still i am COLD COLD COLD. What ever happened to seasons? It went from summer to winter in 3.54 seconds. BOO. Im headed for texas though....so whatev. Sorry everyone im still sympathetic to you all...im just sayin. Winter should not exist in my opinion. Its frigid and icy and BROWN like my hair. not very me, but i have to endure it, just like my hair. VERY LONG and ill tempered like my hair on bad days. In my world it wouldnt ever be winter. We would have another season where everything would just turn to ice cream instead so that we could still appreciate summer, but eat lots and lots of peanut butter cup in the mean time. And the plasma center would turn to ice cream too...vanilla bean throwup none the less, but ice cream still. And everyone would eat it ALL and then it would be dead. I think id be ok with that.

2008-10-14T01:33:00.002-06:00

In the ongoing search for self there are days when we learn something genuinely new. something uncovered...hidden that we never knew was there. Something that surprises us. And on that day of self discovery the question remains-what kind of person are we? Does the hero or the villian inside of us win the day?

2008-10-13T15:20:00.004-06:00

I dyed my hair brown, and i feel like a different person. for some reason changing hair color makes a huge difference in the way we feel about ourselves. I didn't do it as part of any huge revolution or anything. Im just not a natural blonde, and i don't want to have to deal with my hair on my mission. But when i turn and look into the mirror, I'm not myself some days. I feel like less of me and more of the stormy me. I startle because another woman stares at me intensely.....emily? you are still in there right? My emotions feel more heightened. Like i want to scream at the top of my lungs, laugh until it hurts, or cry my eyes out instead of just goin with the flow. 2 Days ago i woke up and didn't want to get out of bed....things within me are all turned upside down and around. I think it might be because i almost died the other day. Luckily i know in my brain that hair doesn't really matter all that much. The color of it does not make me eligible for possession of the raging woman inside of me. The piece of my fathers temper that i have worked so hard to escape from through hours and hours of therapy and lost friendships and tears.

Last week on Thursday i almost died at the plasma centre. I'm done donating when this crotchety old lady comes over to unhook me, and as she lifts up my tube to let my remaining blood flow back into my veins, she dumps pure anticoagulant into me, and all of a sudden my body starts to spaz. Within 10 seconds all of my muscles are constricted. I cant breathe and my chest starts to hurt more and More and MORE....i must be having a heart attack. about 6 or 7 people are crowding around me asking me rapid fire questions....OK people cant you see that i cant breathe, much less speak. I lose control of my body and it feels like its riving, trying to get air. Eventually it starts to pass, and i can breathe regularly, and see, and feel my limbs. This lady tries to tell me that i had a reaction to the a.c. because i didn't eat enough calcium, but eventually we get the truth out of them: the old lady with short dyed hair messed up. And what i felt was the beginnings of cardiac arrest. Ive felt a little under the weather since then. And all of this made me realize that my body is so precious. i need it to work for me, and i have to treat it with the utmost respect. But instead i aided in giving it undue trauma. Never again body will this happen. That day i decided to swear off sugar for awhile to show my body extra love. but then that night there was BYU ice cream so i decided that an exception was needed. Somehow there is ALWAYS BYU ice cream...so much for that idea. I'm trying to exercise more too, but my body always tells me that it would rather sleep. so I'm just respecting its wishes i think. wheW.....

2008-10-13T14:42:00.006-06:00

Today is Monday, and it is 2:43pm in the afternoon. In 48hrs i will be on the road to discovery, to love, to life #1. I cannot deny that i am sad and overwhelmed. But i am also ready. Awhile ago i started to feel the natural pull of gravity pulling me back towards my fate: the lone star state and my realization that my life will never be the same. I realized that the pull had begun, and that when it was time for me to go, i would just know. That time came about a week ago. The earth's axis is pulling me, pulling me, pulling me away from here. The home in which i have both loved and loathed through grounding my roots, which crack the surface fighting all of the other roots and rocks that litter the soil. And once those roots passed the hazardous terrain, they plunged downward gripping the earths core, thus allowing my love to push upward to my surface and explode from my limbs. My love, that is rooted so deeply for this place still exists, but is severed from myself. Away i go, but not forever. I still worry, what will become of me? Of the life that i have built for myself? It hasn't been easy...i have fought for this life and these friends and this disposition. Some days my life just feels so hard, even though it is so blessed. I fight against my anger. I fight against my seemingly endless loneliness. I fight against being forgotten. I try to forget about myself and get lost in what is my life: i cannot change it. Nor do i want to. I look around and pieces of me are everywhere....i cannot collect them. Pieces that i have willingly given to people, and never gotten back. Pieces that i have left to remember my past and my self discovery are left on benches and trees and swimming pools....they help me remember the person that i was. The woman that was hard and cold, and empty. I'm becoming the woman predicted: gentle and loving, strong in my testimony. My heart can still be whole; giving pieces of it away has not left it injured. It has regrown and replaced each piece, growing stronger. Funny how that happens.

I was afraid for the pieces of me that I'm leaving behind, but the biggest part not connected to my body is coming with me. She will remain a part of me, in the seat that has usually been empty, for 2 2hours of dashboard confessional, mountains, and open roads of self discovery. The chunk of my soul protected by the body with matching colored hair and all of the kindness that any of us knew existed. That stays up with me late into the night and holds me why i cry. The woman that shares with me her bunk bed, her food, her life, her love, her soul. When shes gone I'm not sure who will hold me while i mourn her. I hope that i still know who i am without her...im afriad i might be a little confused for a while. This woman has been there for the majority of the last 2 months of my life. But then i know that i will be ok, and i am just thankful. Thank you God for this gift of womanly love when i needed her most. You knew that we belong together. And even though it seems unfair that we have to face the distance soon, i realize that life is glorious because we are in our 20s and not our 50s. Life is ahead of us and i know it will bring us together; not rip us apart. I often forget myself because i am so fulfilled with this woman, my best friend. And i remember that her piece of soul will lie within me, protected, until we meet again. I love you Lyndsi Shea Brown. I have never had as good a friend as you.

2008-10-12T14:36:00.004-06:00

Just the other day im doin crunches at the gym, tryin to multi task with my dad on the phone. He always likes to talk....alot. And im tellin him about how everything in my life is working perfect all the time...a vital sign that things are aligned in my life. And he says "EM...you have led a charmed life...everything always seems to go right for you." and im thinking.....NO, it really DOESNT. Like when you guys made my life heck growing up....that wasnt very fun. But then later on while im thinking, i realize that its true! Things just always work out, i never get sick, i always have amazing friends and support from my family. My life is so blessed. Sometimes i turn my mind to the people of less developed countries like in africa and south america. Do we ever feel guilty about the card that we were delt in our lives? Why do i feel like my life is so hard because my car breaks down, or when i get ketchup on my favorite shirt? there are people living without enough money for food or clothes, or even without a home. The natural reaction is to jump back and think that none of that is my problem. But is that REALLY true? Since god decided to put us in the promised land of America: the free and the brave; one of the wealthiest countries in the world that is blessed by great Christian faith as a whole because Christ himself walked on our ground. God gave us charmed lives....so the people with the crappier hand aren't our concern? I renounce this idea. We are all people. The point of our lives is other people. We function in relationships, families, communities, and smaller groupings within the world. Without each other, we cease to exist.

2008-10-11T14:00:00.004-06:00

I'm just a normal girl that sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country, but I'd rather swim ashore
Without a life vest I'd be stuck again, wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim like 'fourteen miles away'.
Now floating up and down I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down, I'm sinking to the bottom of my...
Everything that freaks me out. The lighthouse beam has just run out.
I'm cold as cold as cold can be....be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean.
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down.

Where is the coastguard, I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection.
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine; the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind.
I'm treading for my life believe me
How can I keep up this breathing?
Not knowing how to think...I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down with envy for the solid ground.
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending. I thought of just your face...
Relaxed, and floated into space.

workin for plaz dollaz

2008-10-08T22:38:00.003-06:00

the other day i was at the "bio medical" lab on center street, where i sell my plasma for play money. Im sittin in the chair with a mondo needle up my arm when the lady comes up next to my machine and says "this thing is acting SKETCH" as i sit there hooked up to it. Man, i was having doubts before, but now i just feel so good about this hookie thing that sucks my blood out of me and spins it up. Its clunking and making serious noises. She calls for some other equally legit guy to come and fix it, and he walks up and starts BANGING ON THE SIDE OF IT, and then walks away. wow.....the things we do for money.

2008-10-05T01:41:00.004-06:00

im going to go ahead and dedicate this post to this boy that i sometimes love...he'll probably never read this. He probably WILL invite me over to his house for conference tomorrow only to ignore me and pretend like we never rolled around in the grass, or cried in each others arms, or like he never gave me that bruise on my neck. uh huh. AND he'll probably try to set me up with his friend just so that he can try to distract me from distracting him from distracting me from my oh so recent trip to Asia. i dont really know. DUDE..as hannah would say "smatchoo"??? (whats the matter with you?)

Truth be told....it doesnt really matter. I dont know if you ever really loved me....i sure hope so. But this is me officially making my heart let you go. I renounce you and the un-erasable strings that keep me hanging in a permanent free fall of your wake. I allow myself to forget you because i dont think about me in terms of you, or you in terms of us anymore. Because im tired of being humored, and when i come back i deserve someone who gives a crap. So here's what you've been wanting. I release you....all in the name of China.

2008-10-03T00:18:00.002-06:00

couple days ago i went to the gym to do my usual elyptical, and on the way i realize: there is about to be YOGA. Im all over that....inner asia here i come. Ive done it before, but not while i was trying to be asian. So i go and we bent around in all kinds of crazy poses, and listened to lulling music of the orient. Im feeling my soul nod in agreeance...we are content. I get to fly in a nose dive down to my toes, and bend myself in half as i clear my mind of litter. I balance my foot in the crevice of my opposite knee and focus all of my energy on one point in front of me.... my thoughts zero in on what i am feeling. I kinda fall over a lot but thats ok, because im self discovering. And suddenly i relize...i have inner asia. ACTUAL legit inner asia...not made up asia day crap where im trying to be positive about my soon trip to china that im freaking out about. I love yoga....i LOVE INNER PEACE. I love the sincerity of the asian culture and the appreciation of meditation and beauty. And i loved it before all the crazyness. I HAVE INNER ASIA!!! IT IS IN ME!!!!! cant believe that it took so long to discover.

2008-10-03T00:06:00.002-06:00

School is currently in full bloom. here's my schedule...it varies from day to day.
10am: wake up
10:45: leave apartment
11:45-2:00: deal with annoying rich lady while cleaning her house
3:00: Revolutionize my facebook for the day
5:00-6:30: wait in line to donate plasma only to be told that my temp is too low....DANG.
6:45: Give up and go spend more money instead eating sweet sweet food at Red Robin
8:45: Chill at home and watch "Shes the man" while making my sis belated birthday gifts.
10:00p: raid the ice cream
11:00p: revolutionize my blog

and thats about where i am now. These days lots of girls say that they are restless and wish they could go some where. I really wish i could just stay in one place. Guess you want what you cant have.

2008-10-02T23:46:00.004-06:00

Dear Brittany,

2 nights ago you came to me in a dream….probably don’t remember doing that do you? In my dream, I was at the airport waiting for you, and all of a sudden there you were. You had cut all of your hair off….like chin length short. And not a stylish cut either…just brown hair chopped at your jawline. And you were very calm and quiet…you didn’t say anything to me. You just walked toward me and deliberately wrapped your arms around me. You hugged me for several minutes…. I really needed that hug. It was almost real….i could still remember the warmth of it after I woke up. And after you pulled away your eyes were blank and empty, as if you didn’t know what to say to me, or to anyone. And you walked away from me and I followed you into the nearest store where you went straight for the Oreos, and you told me that you had been wanting them FOR-EV-ER. So we got you some Oreos and you were still pretty awkward after that, but at least you were happy. I think that a lot of this dream was my subconscious fears coming out because I have your pic that you sent me, and your hair is way long. And you are just as vibrant and beautiful as ever! I dunno maybe im scared of coming back and being all blank and empty and not having anything to say to anyone….even though I KNOW I wont be like that. It was so good to see you though, even if it was only in a dream.

ps: i miss you.